Fear Not

by Mrs. Lori Palatnik

Don't pass your fears on to the next generation.

Published: December 5, 2009

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Visitor Comments: 15

(15) Adina Pantea, January 2, 2011 7:41 PM

Wow! You are simply amazing, Lori! Thank you again for such great advice!

(14) mimi, January 10, 2010 4:17 AM

Wow, Lori! What an eye opener!

thank you for such smart kind advice. Your specific examples really moved me. thanks for such a thoughtful important piece, that i will share with many. all the best.

(13) SP, December 10, 2009 5:41 PM

Get help

If you know you have fears that would be detrimental to pass on to your children, you would be doing a disservice to them to not seek help from a professional. Getting the help you need would be a brave step towards a better life for you and a better future for your child.

(12) , December 10, 2009 2:15 PM

The fear of animals espeiclly dogs and cats s very prominent among religious groups. It is defenately a fear that is being passes on from generationto generation. It really is a shame to see grown people running awayfrom a little kitten. I think more educations is need in "Tzar Bblai Chiam" and not teach fear of them. EE

(11) Beverly Kurtin, December 10, 2009 12:56 AM

Fantastics

The Fantastics is an off-Broadway play that has played around the world for years. A song in the musical goes something like this, "...my son was once afraid to swim, the water made him wince, until I said he MUSN'T swim, 'sbeen swimming after since." My youngest son was very afraid of thunderstorms, especially since when the storms really got strong and I had to leave the house (I was a National Weather Service trained storm spotter). So I started taking him with me. All of a sudden he would listen to my weather radio and at the first sign of a storm he was jumping up and down, "Let's go, Mom!" To this day he loves a good storm, has been trained and loves nothing more than spotting twisters.

(10) , December 9, 2009 2:30 PM

Yes, passing on fears is really easy to do

Very interesting and helpful advice. Personally, my biggest concern is passing on my feelings of inferiority to my children. This is very easy for me to do as I do not "get" things" real easily and, therefore, am apt to get really intimidated in the work place or professional enviroment. Naturally, the next result is to feel that everyone is somehow smarter, better, more capable etc. than I am. Yes, Lori, I really have to watch this!

(9) Anonymous, December 9, 2009 9:25 AM

fears

I have listened to many of your talks over the past two years. They are all interesting. This is the first one that has very powerful advice. Probably because it involves adept parenting character before our children. Not easy. One must also distinguish between fear and healthy concern. It is not wrong to wait up to the wee hours for your children. They can roll their eyeballs. But love is sometimes like that. Thank you for the excellent delivery, which it always is, of this important message.

(8) Berri, December 9, 2009 7:29 AM

Wow, Lori, you really hit a raw nerve with this one.

Passing on my negativity to my children is my biggest issue. I'm a very emotional, out-there kind of person. It seems impossible to keep my thoughts and feelings from my children. I've had so many disappointments and heartbreaks in my life, I've been hurt and am hurting and struggling so much, and I'm not able to keep it to myself. My kids hear all my outbursts, my pain, my struggles. I feel terrible about it, but it is so hard. What's a mother to do? Pretend? Put on a show? I keep asking questions and I don't get answers. When I had children I was so determined not to do to my kids what my mom did to me. And I'm failing.

(7) Elana, December 9, 2009 4:42 AM

What I needed to hear at this moment

So good, Lori. You are, as usual, inspiring. This is exactly what I needed to hear due to my upcoming divorce and trial. I must start being more careful around my children, and at least tell them it will all be ok.

(6) Anonymous, December 8, 2009 11:44 PM

inheritable neurosis

Decades ago I did 7 years of therapy and my therapist (around 1977) said he went to a dinner for Archibald Cox. I asked (as this was the same name as the Special Prosecutor) if this was the Watergate Archibald Cox? He responded, no that he was a psychologist that spent "30 years in the chair" - 30 years being a psychologist. Cox in his speech remarked that the most remarkable thing he learned in 30 years in the chair was that neurosis was "inheritable." Perhaps this is our greatest liberation from MItzrayim - to not embrace the predefined enemies of the state of parents and accept friends and relatives on our own terms. Now that's an EXODUS !

(5) Fearful, December 8, 2009 1:55 PM

What hashgocha that I chanced upon this...

I got a link from a friend from one of Aish's video clips, I never come onto this site (now I will probably start coming on more often). I started clicking here & there & got to this amazing clip. You see, I struggle from lots of fears that has become a "family issue" my mom is a overprotective ferarful person & so are most of my siblings. I needed this reminder. I know I don't want my children to struggle the way I did & do. Lori, well said!

(4) Abe, December 8, 2009 3:39 AM

wise

Thanks Lori. Your mother and you definitily reprisent protecting qualities of our Matriarh Rachel. Our kids are our future, our grandkids - even more so. Especially in our trubling times ( a lot of thunderstoms around) we should give hope and encouragement and not despair.

(3) Anonymous, December 6, 2009 6:06 PM

We pass along too many negative emotions

I'm glad your friend could feel safe telling you her doubts. That's important in a friendship. We all need to be careful not to pass along phobias, doubts, anger and other negative emotions to our kids. Have a problem with in-laws, teachers or neighbors? Try not to involve your kids.They shouldn't have to deal with those problems. growing up is hard enough.

(2) Harry Pearle, December 6, 2009 4:01 PM

Parenting - Hearing vs Fearing ?

Dear Lori - Much thanks for your comments on passing fears to children. I remember some of the warnings and concerns of my father, of blessed memory. He did dangerous work, with heavy machinery and he was always concerned about safety. But he was blessed with a life without any serous injuries. He did not break any bones or go to the hospital, as far as I knew. However, I sometimes felt that he showed too much fear over small matters. He could be very critical of me, at times. Perhaps what he really wanted was to be listened to. He wanted me to hear what he had to say. He wanted my respect. Perhaps my father wanted me to follow the fifth commandment to honor your father and your mother by listening to them...

(1) Iris Moskovitz, December 6, 2009 3:06 PM

I always learn something from you-THANKS!

I always had a fear of learning how to swim, but I made sure my older daughter learned how to swim. At first, she was terrified, but now she loves going swimming. I am attempting to convince my younger daughter to also take lessons, but so far she shows no signs of interest. I won't give up ,though.

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

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Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

Follow Lori on Twitter, @LoriAlmostLive

Fear Not

Don't pass your fears on to the next generation.

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