Video: The Cheater

Published: February 28, 2010

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Visitor Comments: 18

(18) Anonymous, January 5, 2011 5:18 AM

Yeah, sounds like me

I have to admit it, I have been putting pressure lately, but what is the right answer? I think if you don't give some espectations they will become mediocre , It may sound hard, but I'm being honest

(17) sm, April 20, 2010 2:14 AM

go easy on them

Kids are so burnt out because they have to be perfect so they can go to university and be more burnt out. I think parents should accept any accomplisment the child makes and appreciate that accomplishment even if it's only a B, and even if they only do well in some classes. Children need to know they don't have to be perfect, just try to do your best. Plus, children don't learn well if they have to do so much and they are very tired. - some parents say they're helping their children go to a pretegious university, however we don't know what's going to happen, the person might not become successful and happy. I'm Not saying don't push yourself. I'm just saying be realistic, if they can't do university, a person can go to a state college and still be successful and happy.

(16) Dvirah, March 10, 2010 3:43 PM

Reply to Mr. Ben Sion Shuali (comment 5, March 1 2010)

From personal experience: without pressure, a child will choose what interests him/her - and it is not always art or gym. My relatives nearly fainted when I chose Physics - with no pressure whatsoever!

(15) Anonymous, March 3, 2010 6:20 PM

Teaching the Wrong Values

It's not just a question of applying unfair pressure on children. Such kids are being coerced to resort to such mechanisms as cheating, lying, being nervous and insecure. Theyoften do not get positive feedback from parents unless they bring home superior results. Hence, they are less likely to be confident and happy than their less-pressured classmates.. Is this really the type of education and character development children should be experiencing? What type of an adult will they evolve into? How will they react to the real pressures of life?

(14) Feige Ferber, March 3, 2010 2:04 PM

On target!

We merited to raise a family of self-confident and happy children. One of the rules in our home was that effort counts - marks don't. Our children understood that if there was a subject that they were struggling with, we would get them a tutor if they wanted it. They knew that they had do their homework every day, listen in class and study for tests. As you point out Lori, adults don't do 100%; on everything either!!! Thanks for a great video.

(13) Simcha Mendel, March 3, 2010 5:31 AM

Absolutely right!

Lori Palatnik is absolutely right. Thank G-d, I am now 50 years of age. Growing up, my parents NEVER pressured me to get all "A's" & " B's". They were happy if I also came home with a "C". I also got "A's" & "B's", especially in spelling & vocabulary, research papers or anything that concerned writing, music, and drama, but I was never pressured. Thank G-d, I NEVER cheated a day in my life and NEVER was afraid to tell my parents when I got a "C". Part of the reason is thanks to my parents NOT pressuring me and part of the reason is that I myself was very much against cheating. I would much rather receive a lower grade and NOT cheat than to receive a higher grade and G-d forbid cheat because I always wanted my own grade, not someone else's. I am also raising my children in the same way. Even if they come home & tell me that they feel the grade they received was not good enough because it was a "C", I never tell them they are right. I always encourage them and tell them that it could always be better, but that "C" is also a good grade. The only negative thing about my parents not pressuring me is that even though they did want me to finish college, I never did finish my degree which I regret today although sometimes pressure can work in the reverse & a child will drop out due to the pressure.

(12) , March 3, 2010 1:50 AM

Mrs. Palatnik - thank you so much for this video. Thank G-d, my parents were wonderful about this - I remember a test that I failed in high school; I am blessed with intelligence, thank G-d, but a certain subject is just not my thing. My parents made it very clear to me that (1) they would always love me no matter what, (2) they knew I'd tried my best, (3) we'd look into options for doing better next time, and (4) school isn't the most important thing in life. I cry when I see friends and students of mine who value themselves only by their grades. Mr. Ben Sion Shuali - first of all, not every person learns in the same way. Some people are book creative and less bookish. Is it such a crime to choose art over advanced Science? They would not be missing the basic classes, I am sure. And even if you feel that they should be taking all of the only-text classes - why must is be done through pressure? Why can't it be done through conversation? Understanding? Compromise? Make sure not to lower a child's self-worth in their own eyes - and in yours! And see to it that the next generation realizes that just because they may not have been blessed with brilliance of the mind in one area, they have talents in others, and we love them just the same.

(11) Anonymous, March 3, 2010 12:16 AM

Shidduch pressure

Talking to another teacher the other day, some parents demand their girls do well in every subject to get into the right seminary to get the best shidduch. Add to tha,t the right weight (thin) and you get a self-absorbed generation--not to mention the young men whose mothers (yes mothers) train them to look for model thin girls who have attended the right seminary. What has happened to molding the character of our children?

(10) , March 2, 2010 9:00 PM

Very, very good. Really think this was great advice especially part about what adult is good in everything. I think alot of grown ups should internatize this message too. Too much emphasis put on materialism, how big the house, how big the income etc.

(9) D'vora, March 2, 2010 7:33 PM

THANK YOU LORI!

I wish the principle at my daughter's school would watch this! You are so right. There is so much pressure for them and she's only in 2nd grade. I try here in the home to take the pressure off of her. It's hard to parent when the school is not always on the same page as the parent. Thank you again Lori!

(8) Ginny, March 2, 2010 7:07 PM

I would like to know how Lori dealt with the parents & the young lady in this situation. It is easy to say the parents should not pressure the child - it is more difficult to deal with the actual episode of cheating.

(7) L.S., March 2, 2010 11:44 AM

You speak the TRUTH!

My parents wouldn't even let me get a "B" in anything! I have an Ivy league BA and MS degree and my parents still think of me as a failure because I am not a doctor or a lawyer. I live with depression and self loathing every day of my life from years of my parents telling me I'm a loser and criticizing me all the time. I will not do the same thing to my kids!

(6) SusanE, March 1, 2010 8:09 PM

Thanks Lori for the Life Lesson.

Every parent should watch your video, Lori. There is so much more to a childs future than good grades and soccer. A child with good character can reach greater joy in life than most of us.

(5) Ben Sion Shuali, March 1, 2010 5:42 PM

I Choose Phys. Ed.

Without pressure, what teenager wouldn't choose music, art, or phys. ed.? Some pressure is necessary during the teenage years to teach that the mind is the most important gift we have. It is that mind that allows us to make the very choices of character vs. grades that you discuss.

(4) Rosemary, March 1, 2010 5:34 AM

Absolutely

Oh wow!! You are absolutelly right!! I hope most parents get to watch this. How can they request so much from they child if they are not 100% perfect. Nobody is. Very good message.

(3) Iris Moskovitz, March 1, 2010 2:14 AM

Such an imprtant message to get across to many people.

The parents who put all this pressure on their children to be perfect, are really doing a big disservice to their children. Many young ladies in my community are unfortunately being over burdened, and are suffering from many problems, such as anxiety and anorexia or bulimia. The young ladies feel that the only thing they have real control over is their food intake, and nothing else. The parents need to open up their eyes, and not try to make their children be what they could not accomplish for themselves. We can not live out our unfulfilled dreams through our children.

(2) Rosen, February 28, 2010 1:51 PM

what about children with autism?

Children with autism such as Asperger's and high-functioning autism spectrum don't make good eye contact, but almost always tell the truth. Plus, these individuals generally do well in school as long as they are concentrated well enough on what they are doing. It's just the social skills they tend to lack, but they can gradually learn from them.

(1) esther, February 28, 2010 12:08 PM

how true.... the impossible expectations set the children up for failure.they try yet its never enough ( there will always be someone better out there anyways). its no wonder that we have kids in the system , smart talented kids who have just given up because the bar is so high. let kids be the best at who they are.

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About the Author

Mrs. Lori Palatnik

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Lori Palatnik is a writer and Jewish educator who has appeared on television and radio, and is the author of "Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-By-Step," "Remember My Soul - What to do in Memory of a Loved One," and co-author of "Gossip: 10 Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul." She is a much sought-after international speaker, having lectured in the U.S., Canada, Mexico, U.K., Central America, South America, South Africa and Israel, including featured talks at Yale, Brown and Penn. She lives in the Washington D.C. area, with her husband, Rabbi Yaakov Palatnik. Lori is the Founder of The Jewish Women's Renaissance Project, an international initiative that brings over 1,000 women to Israel each year from ten different countries on highly subsidized programs to inspire them with the beauty and wisdom of their heritage. She is the busy mother of five children, ages 24 to 14; and her son, Zev, just finished serving as a sharpshooter in the IDF. Her weekly video blog, "Lori Almost Live" is a popular feature on aish.com, viewed by over 50,000 people each month.

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The Cheater

Are we expecting too much from our kids at school?

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