Protecting Sanctity of Marriage

This should be part of all kiruv training for rabbonim because youth and student work involve, consulting with female students. Mostly never a problem, but difficulties can occur

I actually thought your message was unneccessary and obvious but boy was I wrong! These basics of Marriage 101 are obviously unknown to the vast majority of your audience, judging by the comments! It may explains the numbers of affairs, unhappy marriages and divorces in the general world versus the world you're living in. Thank you for your vital message!

Dear Lori. Thank you for your courage in the face of the cultural niavetiee. I found this a little painful as it reminded me of my marriage. My difficulty was not a help but a pretty 16yr old foster daughter. She had come from an problem family where she was being groomed by the father. As Lorri says, it was not the overt sexuality that was the problem, it was more that she was prettier than me when I felt old, unfashionable and dowdy. Nicer than me in disciplining the children; more energetic than me in everything. Where before I had the paretal and wifely power, she unconciously undercut me by being so much less irritable and controlling than me. What was not apparent is the fact that she did not have the worries of the responsibilities of the family and household and finances. As you say all marriages go through hard times, intimacy, work, finace, child development, extended family. Responsibility before G-d for all of the above including her and her development can be tough. Nevertheless, regardless of any age difference, basic nature puts competition between 2 females in the same houshold and vauge one upmanship can be a way for young girls to feel power and in control. This can bring stressful competiton against an easy target in a burdened older woman who may feel unattractive. My story.. he left 11 years ago. Married a different younger woman (trying to be decent). She then left, kicking me in the teeth when she went. My 2 children have grown up without a father and it damaged them. (she was able to be really nice to them, play with then and never be impatient). My son left home wanting to be with someone like her and has not spoken to me for 3 years. I am left older and only with my daughter - (who she was also in competiton with). If I had known, I would NEVER let a young pretty woman in the house!!! Take heed folks. It can be so destructive. Please consider what Lorri says.

This is the same advice my mother gave me when I got married 25 years ago. Why bring temptation into the house. My housekeeper is wonderful, but unattractive and I wouldn't have it any other way. I trust my husband, but I am also realistic and I've seen too many things happen to take any chances. I believe wives should watch out for any women their husbands come into frequent contact with. I also believe in checking email and text messages...but that's another story!

I can not believe the criticism that is being thrown at Lori including stinging, below the belt insults. She is providing eitzah tovah---common sensical advice to not put tempation right in front of the husbands face! This has nothing to do with leashing a husband, blaming the woman for everything, or whether he'll cheat anyways. I can't help but to think that the lunatics writing these scathing comments are sitting in front of a TV gulping down a half gallon carton of Rocky Road ice cream while typing these scathing comments. My wife is gorgeous! But, for Petes sake, don't be stupid!! It's plain naive and crazy to hire a young "hottie" in your house. Maybe all of you uber-angry, meanspirited, forgot it's Elul crackerjacks need to lighten up and actually LISTEN to what she's saying.. My guess is you should consider joining Weight Watchers also if this strikes such a raw nerve with you.

I have never heard anything so sick. I am in shock how someone can say the stuff she is saying... she is like dont give your men freedom keep him on a leash.. because if u dont he will end up cheating or he might cheat... let me tell you something if you need to keep your husband and guard him all the time... then its better you sholndt live with someone like that... if anyoone listens to this it will only make them a crazy cpl

I have a wonderful husband who I completely trust. He's devoted to me and to our children and I don't believe he would ever even begin to get involved in anything outside our marriage. I think he is like this because of his high standards for himself. But like he has told me numerous times temptation exists, the more learned one becomes the greater actually of the temptations around. Gedarim that we put up around us need to be more intricate not simpler. It gets harder not easier. Man in general must learn to control their base instincts which becomes more complicated. I think having someone in your house that is NOT cute or thin is temptation enough. Especially if your marriage is not doing so well. Lori was brave to talk about this.

stop protecting men all the time!

I think her attitude is totally disrespectful to the help she hires. Don't they have the right to work, unmolested by their employer? She doesn't take this into account at all. By following the laws of yichud the husband is protecting himself from temptation AND allowing the lady who is dealing with his household matters (maybe if there are not small children, the family ought to deal with their OWN housekeeping) to work undisturbed. She is a person with a family too. By staying in the public sphere, usually the boundaries can be maintained. A man who wants to cheat is going to find ways to break those boundaries. He's become good at doing it, trust me. He can find any reason to be out of the house or work late. That includes women too. What advice does Ms. Palantnik have for women, who are ignored by their husbands and tempted by men, who offer what their husband will not?

I agree with Lori. Its not about assigning blame or determining who is at fault. People are human and have human weaknesses and you have to take the proper steps to prevent situations which are likely to occur. As she says, "be smart, dont be stupid." Its not a garantee for results but we do have to make an effort and take proper precautions.

Yes, This is wisdom: "Guard Your Heart!" so You can "Love the L-rd thy G-d with all of Your Heart". I like my help to be Big and Round with a Smile and a Heart full of Laughter! Thank you.

clearly, not everyone is ready to absorb this right now, but it is wise of you to say it, because it might be remembered by the nay sayers at some critical point in the future.

What a load of Horse Hockey! As a married man of 23 years, I find this video to be close minded and insulting and NOT IN ACCORDANCE WITH HALACHA!! Not sure I follow the logic. Does anyone remember Hugh Grant? Back in the early ’90 he was a big draw Hollywood Actor. He was married to Elizabeth Hurly a equally well known and “pretty” Actress/model. In 1994 he was arrested along with the LA Street Prostitute he was caught with, in the middle of an unmentionable act in his car. A marriage should be built on trust. If you don’t trust your husband or wife to the degree that you have to hand pick the people they interact with, then your marriage really needs help. I say that in all seriousness. As a Jew we have laws of Yichud (A Prohibition of Seclusion amongst member of the opposite sex in private areas). True, like Mrs Palanik suggests, it helps build a fence, but it does so from a halachic standpoint... regardless of Pretty or plain, Skinny or not so skinny, young or old. Yichud is Halacha. Hiring the “not so pretty” cleaning woman is NOT. In the case of the lecturer that Mrs. Palatnik details in her video, she even has an issue with interactions in a non-Yichud public environment! As Jews, it’s not only important that we lean Torah, Gemara, Halacha and even as some of us do Chassidus. We need to ACT with the proper middos. As Avos 3:22 says “Anyone whose wisdom is greater than his deeds to what is he comparable? To a tree whose branches are many and whose roots are few, and the wind comes and turns it over” Hiring not so pretty “Help” is not going to prevent your spouse from straying. Having the proper Middos will.

Middos shmiddos men are men. Circumstance is the only thing that keeps a man and a woman from cohabiting. It doesn't matter how wonderful the wife is. It just takes circumstance. THAT's why Lori said has presented it in this way. Hand picking is not wrong when you are plucking the females out of the equation. Married men have no business kibitzing around with them. Echh! I love the men in Monsey they respect their marriages by barely giving a woman the time of day. Their deeds are definitely greater than their wisdom and deserve the trust their wives give them!

"We were basically saying that having an attractive nanny, for instance, is like putting a block of chocolate in front of someone and saying, "You can't have this!"" This reminds me of the attitute of 19th century bourgeois, an attitude you still can find in countries were women's rights are not very developed: The "master of the house" or his son would routinely rape the maid, and when the lady of the house noticed, she would be thrown out on the road. Is this really what you understand under "morals"? A nanny is not a thing, not piece of chocolate, not a commodity. She is a human being and has to be treated with respect, in every point of view. I think that Mrs. Palatnik and those who are applaud her ("men just have a stronger yetzer hara") let the cheating spouse off the hook way to easily. You have to be aware that the SPOUSE is the one who committed himself or herself to fidelity, so do not throw the stones at the outward partner who served his/her purpose. Mind you: if spouses are looking for opportunities to cheat, they will find them, outside the house, inside the house, in a brothel, you name it.

I am shocked by Mrs Palatnik's attitude. 1) It's about time that men take up responsibility for their actions 2) Men do not always fall for cuties. My father often had affairs with very ugly & unattractive women: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 3) Eventually household help will end up being younger than the lady of the house. And being young in itself often is attractive. 4) The attitude Mrs Palatnik is recommending (any time my husband gives a shiur, I come with him) is bordering on pathologic jealousy. 5) It is illusory to believe that you can hold back a husband who wants to cheat on you. 6) It is very hurting for cheated women to imply, as Mrs. Palatnik does: "Well, it's your own fault. Had you hired an uglyer household help, this could not have happened. 7) There is a kind of "know it better than you" speaking out of Mrs. Palatnik's attitude: My husband does not cheat on me, because I know how to do it. You know what? it's not true. And it even amounts to negate the power of the almighty to say this.

In the section titled 'Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage', perhaps the focus should be more on the sanctity and less on the protection. Inherent sanctity is what makes the marriage what it is. 'Protection' of the sort advocated in this video, demeans (IMHO) everything that marriage is supposed to be. If we are defined by out looks, 'cuteness' and youth, then society has bigger problems than what 'the help' looks like. When spouse is appreciated for what is within, marriages flourish. Why be guided by pop culture, and what actors do, if we can be guided by Torah. Torah tells us that 'Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that fears Hashem, she shall be praised'. If we adopt Torah values, then even the cutest, young, pretty 'help' will not sully the sanctity of marriage.

Lori, as someone asked earlier, is your husband employed? Does he only come in contact with men? Does he ever see any other women who are prettier, thinner or younger than you? Even though I generally enjoy your videos, this one does seem extreme even though of course the underlying message is important. That said, I wouldn't be looking for a movie star look-a-like to hire as my cleaning lady! Bottom line though is if your husband wants to cheat, he will & if it's not with the babysitter or the house-cleaner, it might be with his co-worker, secretary, or your next-door neighbor. But of course, the old saying of "lifnei ivair lo teetain michshol" applies so ideally it is preferable not to put a stumbling block in front of your husband but in reality, as I said, if he wants to cheat, he will find a way to do so no matter what your cleaning lady looks like.

There are some men out there who are metrosexual in nature. They have no yetzer harah with regard to other women and they have complete loyalty to their wives. Most men do have a yetzer harah for these things, this is why we have gedarim (fences) such as yichude and tznius (modesty). The Torah stressed these concepts because many men struggle with these issues. Most men succeed because they are value oriented but why put them in situation that are struggles for them.

I applaud Lori for being real. It's not about "the help". It's about the reality that men have a greater yetzer hara in this area, and, no...we cannot watch them 24/7, and there has to be respect, etc. but, "lifnei ever lo setain michshol"...don't dangle temptation in what should be a sanctuary. perhaps a man struggles out in the street or the office, why feed that yetzer hara at home?? read deeper into the message than "the help". protect whats important and precious, and make your relationship precious. don't be niave. put up "fences". get real, don't get offended.

If a guy is looking outside his marriage, it doesn't matter how ugly your cleaning lady is. If he doesn't go for her, he'll go for his secretary. Or some other woman. Yes, I trust my husband. And even if I don't trust all the women in my life, I trust my husband that even if they throw themselves at him, he will reject their advances. To protect the sanctity of your marriage, you must build that mutual respect, that gives you the confidence to say, "I trust my spouse completely with a member of the opposite sex, regardless of how good looking he/she is." Attempting to remove any and all women who are cuter than you from his life is pointless.

seems like your husband perhaps has a wandering eye? does he have a secretary or a female co-worker? you better watch him every minute!

I am an observant woman, not the best-looking, but one thing I do have and that is complete and total respect for my husband. Your lack of respect is appalling, but your lack of emuna is even more so. I've enjoyed your videos in the past but I know I won't be watching anymore. This was absurd and offensive to men.

I liked the underlining message, but I didn't think it was necessary to put down your help's appearance to assist in your point,

Men can let themselves go to pot physically and they still think they are G-d's gift to women. Oft times, particularly after children, the woman lets herself go and begins to concentrate only on the children and forgets what attracted her man in the first and the man's eyes start to wander. Having a "cute" or pretty in-home helper only puts temptation in front of him and "grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". Women are the showcase of the human race and men are attracted to showcases. While you can't control all of a man's contacts and temptations, you can still make him want to come home to you. However, if a man once strays, he will most probably stray again and again. Trust can only go so far. Lori is correct in her advice.

Lori I agree with you one hundred percent.

it is attitudes that made me so reluctant to become religious to begin with and has made me sorry that i am religious and sorry when i can go to people houses for shabbat when the woman of hte house acts jealous for no reason that her female shabbat guests are trying to take her husband. it is attitudes like these of why i have struggled so much because people have that attitude about everything this type of attitude can be applied to anything . i would not trust my man with they are his ex girlfriends . but i think it is ok to trust my husband with the help and anyway if a man wants to cheat he will and nothing will stop him. marriages face life problems not marriage issues. when a marriage faces marriage issues it is usually someone's fault. and i think that a woman who wants to cheat will. i am surprised lori did not apply this to shabbat guests because that is why many women will not invite women over for shabbat either their first yr of marriage or at all. but i think that these people are people who had an easy time getting married. it is attitudes like these that makes being single hurt

It's your house and you can hire who you want. It's wise counsel what you said Lori. The Grandmother type, the widow, would have more to offer the home. Her personal experience for years in running a Jewish home and rearing children.

i agree with not having a woman around full time- the cute part i think its a bit much- it can drive u crazy- what if ur husband has a cute secretary? a cute coworker? a cute classmate? should he quit his job? Also, and i dont think lori u should say your aid is not cutter than u online, she might see it and feel bad-

U have to have trust in a marriage. Once you start losing trust make sure you get help right away!!!

Well put. I am not at all pretty, and I weigh about 20 Kg too much for my height....but I have resigned more jobs over married men (my bosses) hitting on me and not understanding what "no" means, or what their marriage is worth. Never let your gaurd down, gaurd what is precious to you. Many of my female colleagues who did not hold the same Jewish values as I do had many an affair with married work mates. Don't be naiive.

I know in my mind that Lori must be right. But in my heart I have so much trouble accepting what she says. Frum people are surrounded by delicious looking trefe food all the time, yet how many of them would really consider eating it? I think it is too simplistic to say that men are men, that they have certain urges and we should expect that they have flings if their wives are not attentive enough or good looking enough. We have become as debased and crass as the world around us, when Jews act in this kind of way. If men think about having affairs with women other than their wives,and we think it is somehow justifiable, then we all are sick. The purpose of Torah and mitzvos is to elevate us. Jews have not internalized the mitzvos they do or the learning they spend time on,if they can act in these horrible, hurtful ways. Any man or woman who would violate the sanctity of their marriage, and risk hurting their children because they can't control their inappropriate urges, has serious problems. We cannot view these actions as acceptable or unavoiodable. This is really part of the horrible moral decay of society, that even Jews are not protected from because we are allow ourselves to get caught up in the garbage that is all around us. Affairs and inappropriate relationships are done in private, so that these people still maintain the facade of being good Jews. Perhaps people don't eat trefe because other people would know and they would be embarrassed. Cheating on your spouse physically or emotionally is so destructive to so many lives and relationships. If a person can't think of that before he does something immoral, there is something terribly wrong with his values and his mental health. Getting an ugly cleaning lady willl not solve the problem because it is rooted much deeper than that. Even we Jews have sunk to such a very low level.

SO ARE YOU SAYING WE SHOULD KEEP OUR HUSBANDS ON A LEASH? THEY GO TO WORK , ARE WE SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW THE SECRETARIES?? HOW FAR CAN ONE GO?

Lori, If a wife is bringing another woman into the home to clean her house, to take care of her children, to baby sit, to organize or do the shopping, to pick up the husbands dry cleaning, to do the laundry or the decorating, why would the wife be surprised if the husband imagined himself with that woman.. She is doing what the wife should be doing, and probably doing it better that the wife did. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ergo, the husband should be alert to the pool boy, the lawn man, the mechanic, the Doctor, the masseuse, the personal trainer. Goes both ways. And Lori, they don't have to be younger-prettier. They just have to be more fun.

i think that u are being petty i think if a husband wants to cheat he is going to . i think if a woman wants to cheat she is going to. a woman should go to her husband talks because she wants to spend time with him not because she is jealous of other women. then she should make him wear a wedding band . many men do not wear a wedding band and i think that is one way a man shows sancity of marriage and that he is married the way a woman shows it by wearing a sheital,and or her engagement and wedding ring. or wedding ring.

Lori, I disagree with you on this. My wife knows I would never ever ever cheat on her. If a person is truly religious in faith, this isn't going to happen. I waited a long time dating my wife and we waiting until our marriage, even though it was so hard, but it was what we believed was the right thing to do. I don't think discriminating against pretty and younger help is the Torah or Jewish way either. On the flip side, I also trust my wife totally, and I can say 100% neither of us would ever cheat. We have faith. That doesn't mean we should do things that encourage inappropriate behavior, but common sense and doing things together take care of "other" distractions.

The reality is that its best not to spend too much time with any member of the opposite sex if they are not your spouse. If you have to then its best to be with alot of other people at the same time. Life long marriages ARE hard and human nature being what it is - two members of the oppposite sex who are thrown together alone for extended periods can be on some very dangerous territory.

On one hand its very crucial to pledge their love and fidelity to each other. Inviting a 3rd party in is detrimental to a marriage That goes without saying. I've read other peoples comments and hear what they are trying to say. One the other hand on needs to acquire a modicum of self control around the opposite sex. No women should not dress provocatively but men need to understand that women do not look the same when they are 40 as they did when they were 20 and visa versa. Seeking intimate attention elsewhere because your spouse doesn't look ravishing to you causes more problems rather than achieving sexual gratification for yourself. Its also important for one to look attractive for his/her spouse. One should not slack off of his/her physical appearance. You don't necessarily have to look like a body builder or a super model but if you got a weight problem then adapt a more healthy lifestyle. Go on a diet or work out more. Do something to resolve your poor dental hygiene.Dye your graying hair.Use something to camouflage your bald spots. Do whatever it takes to improve your image for the sake of your marriage. Filter your internet so that it blocks out pornographic websites.Let your spouse know that he/she is the most important person in your life and there couldn't be anyone more beautiful than him/her. Yes if a man cannot control himself around pretty women other than his wife then he should not put himself in that predicament. Likewise a woman should not get too flirtatious with a man other than her husband. People can act decent towards others and still remain within their boundaries.

# 38 Eric has a very strong point when stating "Hollywood stars have the prettiest wives in the world, yet they still cheat." Now how do u explain THAT Lori? I agree we should do hishtadlut but u do radiate a lot of insecureness on this video. Looks is not everything - personality and sex-appeal are far sharper weapons. There is an old joke about the difference between a JAP and an Italian American Prinsess (joke to be found on the internet, i will not state it here due to modesty.) That joke is sooo dirty, not political correct & it carries a lot of truth in it!

What if a pretty girl (who is also extremely qualified and has experience cleaning, etc.) comes to an interview to work at your home because she is in a desperate situation and badly needs money? Your decision to hire a less qualified, less attractive girl is pure discrimination, and anti-feminist. Why should a pretty girl lose out because you are worried about your husband controlling himself? Hollywood stars have the prettiest wives in the world, yet they still cheat. Looks aren't the be-all, end-all in terms of cheating. All men, even super-religious ones, are around women at times. If they decide to cheat, they will cheat. I don't believe that cheating happens "accidentally." It's a choice. Not hiring attractive help is putting your head in the sand...

I agree entirely with the topic, but could not pick up all the information on the clip. I am not sure whether it is my system or line. Thanks for sharing on such a relevant topic.

My uncle left my aunt for a woman, who was not as smart as my aunt, who was not very cute at all (and my aunt is a beauty!), and who is fat. And I am not even trying to be politically correct here, the woman cannot shop in the Big Tall store. Seriously. But she has one virtue that my aunt does not possess: she is a good listener. She is also a little more understanding, has a better sense of humor, and is softer around the edges. She is a cook (while my aunt is a scientist). I can continue the list... You get the point - she has qualities that make her a human being. She is far from model perfect but her personality somehow shines through. I still cannot accept their divorce that happened 20 yrs ago. It destroyed peace in our lives. But I have learned a lesson - it is not all about looks or brain. it is about human persona, about character, about charm, about how you treat others. If your "help" is a better person (even an ugly person) and can satisfy your husband's needs better, look at yourself and try to become a better person, more empathic person... after you fire your help.

My wife forwarded this to me. Mrs. Palatnik appears to be saying that the way to preserve your marriage is to hire unattractive help. Commenters #4, #9 and #10 have treated the subject much better than Mrs. Palatnik, and I want to thank them for their polite thoughtfulness.

Wake up people!! Pious platitudes and "shoulds" arent going to help you when reality bites hard. Lori is telling it like it is. Never hire anyone who is younger, thinner, better looking and easier for your spouse to deal with than you are who also has ample access to your spouse. Its a no-brainer. And, this advice applys to men as well. Frum women also make mistakes and can fall for younger, hunkier more attentive and easily accessed male hired help.

What Lori spoke about is just a microcosm of a larger issue... everything she said could just as easily be applied in today's workplace as at home. In fact, if I had help at home, it wouldn't matter as my husband's at work all day!

First, I appreciate that you felt this was an important topic to bring up. Many frum people might think its' inappropriate to talk about private things but you had the courage to realize this is important to discuss. What I agree with: I know that a man does have to be careful with any woman b/c we shouldn't be too naive, no matter how frum/consertative a man is. Also, there are mnay laws we keep to protect marriages. Why do we keep laws of modesty? Why do we keep the laws of negiah? Some men are careful about not looking at other women at all. These laws help protect marraiges. Disagree: It is almost impossible for men not to encounterother women at all. Yes the Help is in the house. . How do you trust your husband who sees women at work everyday? other women in the community? there is only so much you can avoid. Men just have to fight there yetzer hara. I would like to hear other people think about what I wrote.

This piece, realistic as it may be, unfortunately also gives more weight to the argument that a marriage certificate is not that much more than a piece of paper. I think this wake up call is almost too grounded.

Another woman in the household develops a casualness with the male head of the household. He feels her admiration and adoration, after all he is the breadwinner, the alpha male and she unwittingly becomes part of his tribe. it is a short distance between a mans fondness for that woman and she making herself sexually available to him. Women do not be naive.

You have to know that there WILL be opportunities for your husband to cheat. There will be other women, and temptation. But the wife that tries to stay and "guard" her husband all the time, is only going to look insecure and clingy, and essentially drive him away. It's a huge turnoff to a guy if you don't trust him enough to have a better-looking housekeeper than you. You're basically telling him that you think you're just another piece of tuchous to him and that you think he'll cheat if given the chance. It really does point to bigger problems in the marriage, and even bigger problems in the girl's self-esteem. The best way is for him to know you trust him because you know your marriage means a lot more to both of you than just someone to have babies with. If a guy marries you even though he thinks he could "get" a better-looking girl, he's saying that he values you for much much more than just that. Let him show himself and you that he can be strong, and show him that you trust him to make the right decision. That's why you married him.

we know charlotte's husband loves her so much.... but how dumb did i think she was when she went away and left hubbie with the kids and the stunning nanny? very! i know my boyfriend is crazy about me and i'm confident about my looks and attractiveness; i've dated a lot of men and been previously married and i'm certain he's not the cheating type but, if we get married, will i have cuter help? nope. it's common sense. you're right lori. and it works both ways - don't have a super hot pool boy all some long..... this reminds me of "don't place a stumbling block before the blind" - not that a spouse is or should be blind here but nonetheless......

Just a thought I once heard about keeping your spouse faithful, "You do your home work, or some one else will do it for you"

You are right on the money, but there is more to say. The allure of temptation surrounds men in many ways. It accosts us at work, certainly in the street, and even among our neighbors. The Torah’s safeguards greatly facilitate breaching the wall that protects us from forbidden relationships. The rabbis emphasize that a man may not gaze, have physical contact, or even unwarranted conversation with women, unless they are from among immediate family. This is beyond the general prohibition of being in seclusion together. Think about it. If you can not interact with someone, and are not even permitted to fantasize about them, how are you going to develop a relationship? The bottom line, for women and men, is like you said it: don’t be stupid. If the Torah said this is fire, don’t see how close you can come to getting burned.

It's probably not too hard for you to find help that's less cute than yourself. But once you get older or if you're less cute than average, do you really want to add another criterion to the already difficult list of finding household help. Probably it will be better to prevent them from being alone together. Schedule her work so that hubby and she are not alone together. Of course, if you have full-time help, that might be hard, but then if you have more than one worker, then it can still be worked out.

Lastly, it IS the duty of each spouse to ensure and protect one another, physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is why we symbolically walk around our groom under the chuppah 7 times, as a bride, which says we will protect him 7 days of the week, 24 hours a day, guard him from the low garbage of the world, from his evil inclination, and protect his holy soul to fill its mission which is to learn Torah and serve Hashem. IF you are not committed to your spouse in this way, its no marriage.

Dear Anonymous who posted #11. In rebuttle of your points made: 1. THe Torah definition of adultery is different than secular societys. It does not mean a man having relation outside of marriage. Although its wrong, it does not constitute "adultery" which is if a married woman cheats. 2. "Do not put a stumbling block before the blind" can be applied here. Anyone could have their yetzer hara (evil inclination) aroused. Do not put your head in a lions mouth and ask for mercy. This is what Lori is trying to say. You're right in however in that you are saying man has "free will". But just like Joseph the righteous son of Jacob had to fight off Potiffar's lose wife who tried to seduce him, it was a very hard test. And he was not a regular guy. He was on a great level. So if its hard for someone to face such an evil urge who is a big tzadik, imagine for a moment a regular person today.Lastly

my opinion is that women should dress modestly all the time but be more atractive at home. wear the tichel in the street and

There is much truth in what Lori has advised. The truth is, that all marriages go through hard times. And during these times the grass may appear greener somewhere else. A man can have a loving, faithful wife who is a good mother and beautiful and seek the attention of someone new. Men don't necessarily need to have awful wives to seek the attention of other women. Men tend to do this all the time just for an ego boost! And most of the time it IS harmless. But if it occurs during a time that your husband and/or marriage is going through a difficult time (ie financial, professional). What may seem like harmless flirtation for an ego boost may turn into something more. Another woman may use this moment of weakness to make her move (ie tell your husband how she would be soooo much better or more understanding). Most of the time men do love their wives and families and have no intention on leaving but that doesn't stop a women from pursuing your husband. There are many women out there who will know your husband is married and will try to seduce him from you and his children anyway. But I feel that as a wife you can not be naive to the possibility of betrayl or manipulation. And as a wife you need to have your eyes and ears open to all possibilities. But it is NEVER the wifes fault if her husband should stray because ultimately we are accountable for our own actions. So to say that a women should build the fence internally is in part the problem with some men. They feel that whatever emotion their wives are not able to fulfill must be at the fault of the wife instead of looking at it as their own internal inability. The truth is that if a man is not wise enough to know that he is responsible for himself and his own emotions and actions will easily be taken advantage of by a women who he feels appears nicer, more beautiful than the women who is at home. So as a women, you need to know your husband and act accordingly to protect your family.

How nice it is to have "help" in your house. If you need help in the could that mean that someone is not pulling their weight? The same goes for your marriage. Your marriage is as strong as you make it. If you work together, and clean your "house", both inside and out, the relationship will be stronger. Don't nag... appreciate what you have... realize that you have to "clean house" together!

It's simultaneoulsy both a simple [on physical level]and and a complex[on spiritulal level] subject. The physical desire to have relations with other women is for certain there for most men. It has nothing to do with loving one's wife. It's the way we are created. However, it seems to me that it would be far too simplistic to say that this is only a physical urge.I believe that in most cases it's much deeper than that but it is often too painful to confront that side as one may mistakenly believe that this drive is abnormal, and G-d forbid points to some lack on the wife's part. How to channel that energy and keep it within the marriage is the challenge couples face. In order to have a reasonable chance of surmounting this challenge and growing individually, and as a couple our sages have instructed us to place great importance on modesty and keeping the sexes seperated as much as possible.

We lock our doors at night and put our valuables in safe places. We diligently go to our work daily. Yet so often we take the most valuable person in our life and take them for granted. We should spend our time in due diligence protecting what is ours. To try to place the responsibility for this back on the spouse is foolish. We must guard the doors of their heart as we guard ours, Two can better protect than one.

Lori is 1000% right. Any man is vulnerable - it has nothing to do with loving his wife. Why do we make such a big deal about Joseph resisting Paroah's wife in the Bible? Joseph was called a "tsadik" - obviously even a tsadik is greatly tested by an attractive women. Why would we mortals be any more immune? Don't be stupid. I'm a liberal "frum" person but very strict in this area.

yes, we do become comfortable in our relationships - and dont try anymore. But Lori is right - we should put fences around things that matter to us - people are human, and temptation is there - even the best people succumb !

I respect my partner more than anyone. The moment i heard this line, i knew where we stood and what cheating would mean. Open relationships are for people that agree to them. Otherwise, love love love and share your expectations.

I disagree with Lori on this. Everybody has a free will to do whatever they want. Surely, some spouses may want to be controlled and guarded by their spouses. But are we all supposed to be alert and limit our spouses from interacting with other people? I don't think so. Isn't this pure jealousy and intervening with one's life? Speaking from my own experience, when I was jealous (and still am) about my husband's employee, the situation did not get any better as I became angry and made him feel that he has already cheated on me. Doesn't this trigger him to cheat, as he has already taken all the blame and guilt? If he has found someone better than me, then what is the right approach to this? I have no right answer to this. I believe that if you truly love someone, let him or her be free. If he or she really loves you, he/she will come back. This is a very hard rule to follow in real life, as our feelings are at stake and our spouses are often a big part of our identity and self-esteem. I have seen a lot of cheating in all kinds of circles. Rich and poor, religious and not religious, Jewish and non-Jewish, etc. Are we humans still driven by biological needs? Or by the opportunity to experience excitement, romance and physical pleasure? I greatly admire those who have found their true soul mate without any need to look around elsewhere.

Hi Lori, I don't think you're being silly at all. It's all very well and good to say men should take responsibility and you shouldn't have to think this way. But why risk the consequences? Consider this analogy. Other drivers should be following the rules of the road and driving in a safe manner. So we shouldn't have to watch out for people running a red light, or driving the wrong way down a one way street or driving drunk on the wrong side of the road. But guess what? People do run red lights and drive the wrong way and drive drunk, and if we ignor that it could be fatal. I'm with you Lori.

Whenever I have a conversation on this subject with my husband, he tells me that in truth, men can have affairs with other women and still love their wives. It just happens because a man is at a weak moment, and a beautiful woman happens to catch him just then. He says that having this kind of affair doesn't mean anything to a man, and that he just as easily forgets it (as opposed to women, who require a lot more emotion and pre-meditation in order to get involved in an extra-marital affair). Of course I never liked hearing these things (as it obviously gives me a sense of insecurity about our marriage), and often wondered if other men share the same opinion (this isn't exactly the kind of question I can go around asking!) Any thoughts on the matter?

Yes, Lori, it's true that it is wise not to place temptation in front of your husband, but does not the major impetus fall on the husband not to committ adultery, one of the Torah and Ten holy commandments given by Hashem ? If Hashem could command humankind to never committ adultery, it means that it is people who decide whether or not they wish to remain faithful. It should not fall onthe spouse to 'protect' their husband/wife against adultery... if someone will cheat with someone inside the home, they will cheat with someone outside the home and wherever there is the opportunity. Likewise , someone who would never committ adultery would not fall to temptation...there are Several steps involved in cheating. You make it sound like people don't have any control over their sexual urges, which is not true. People willingly and consciously decide if they wish to cheat and there are many acts involved , just as a house thief has to plan out his course of action on how to break into a home

First off, may I be blessed with sufficient funds to get my wife some "help" around the house. But here are the thoughts, if there is an honest, loving, and well maintained marriage, Scarlett Johanson (or pick whomever you think is alluring) could throw herself at a good man and he will turn her down because he loves his wife. Please note the if, then clause there. Granted, it is a big if, and to meet that condition takes the hard work of both spouses. My issue here is that there is so much externalization of internal problems. Something went wrong - terribly wrong - long before either spouse will cheat. The fences Lori is referring to need to be internally built and constantly reinforced. If you want your spouse (and this goes both ways for both genders) to never stray, then through daily reinforcement, find ways to let them know how grateful you are for them in your life. This can be hard when they are making you crazy - so don't blow up at them. That doesn't mean never express an contradictory opinion. It doesn't mean keep silent when things upset you. On the contrary, relationships are strengthened by working such things out - if they are worked out with respect and an even head, that does *NOT* take the spouse for granted - no matter how much vitriol you carelessly put on them. Months of sullen fighting will kill a relationship. Years of patience, hard work, and love (done by both spouses) will make it impervious. Here is a secret for women. If men love you, you become utterly beautiful to them. They love you. One of the most beautiful things about love is that it transforms an average looking woman into a diva - at least for one man. A great way to destroy that illusion might be to constantly nag him in ways that belittle him. Marriages end, I think, because people get so comfortable and secure in what they take for granted, that they feel they can belittle their spouses and forget their value. Build fences there.

This was the reminder I needed to hear to realize I'm not as attentive as I should be or COULD be. We're married almost 30 years now and sometimes take each other for granted. He is truly wonderful and supportive of me! And I of him, but I always feel I could and should do more. Thank you for this!!

that when the evil inclination takes hold over a man an old woman turns young and an ugly woman becomes beautiful.

Honestly, I think it should be a combination of the two. A woman should be attentive to her husband and look after his needs as well as being cautious with whom EVER is coming in and out of the house. She should not be foolish and just say "I trust my husband". Marriage should be EXCLUSIVE to just the husband and wife. It is not a shared relationship. A man should also know his boundaries and recognize the Jewish laws of seclusion and what is appropriate of him in relation to other women. Having easy flowing, care-free, conversations with your wife's friends who come by, is not okay. Slowly a man can develop a relationship with this woman, with inside jokes or stuff, as opposed to having that with his wife. Whatever happened to privacy and boundaries? Sometimes being a nice person goes after being a cautious person. I mean, would any parents allow child molesters into their home with open arms. I'm sure, and hope you would think ten times before making a move like that. So why not be just as cautious with the relationship of your partner in life??? Shouldn't a man's "girl" friend be his wife and mother of his children?

Loath to admit it but Lori has a point. THis is one of those pieces of advise which shouldn't be right but is. Other point though: the flip side of this relates to people (men and women) who let themselves go after marriage. I know that I originally let myself go and stopped bothering with pretty clothes, make-up, grooming, and an exciting intimate life. Thankfully I realised that I had done this and got back on track! Seriously ladies (and gents) - respect your partners and yourselves enough to keep making the effort!!

I was just having this exact conversation yesterday with my family! Having "help" isn't really a common thing in Australia, unless you earn a bit of money, but it came up in conversation somehow. We were basically saying that having an attractive nanny, for instance, is like putting a block of chocolate in front of someone and saying, "You can't have this!". The temptation is so strong, and some people give in. Having "help" who are less appealing is a good way to keep temptation at bay. It is a hard thing to discuss, especially when people start talking about trust and what-not, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

it is most important that we take care of our husbands needs. We walk around our chasan seven times under the chuppah to signify that we will protect him from the outside world. We will protect him by being there for him emotionally and physically. I agree that we should be careful who we have working in our homes but the bottom line is most men that are being pampered by their wives will not even look elsewhere. It is our obligation and joy to take care of our husbands needs emotional and physical and then he won't look at the help unless he is a bum. So I think the message should be that we must put effort into looking our best, treating with love attention, affection and appreciation our spouses and then they won't have to look elsewhere for that warm body. Let's be fair isn't that what we want from our men. Please do not put the blame on the men, we must stand up and be proud of our womanliness and entice our men and protect them from the outside world.

what about husbands that fool around with maids that are not so pretty, actually some are much worst looking than their wives?

The issue is not what the housekeeper looks like. The issue is that people are lax with the halacha -- jewish law. We have laws regarding "yichud" -- seclusion with someone from the opposite sex, and we have them for a reason. God isn't stupid, He knows what can happen if a man and a woman are alone together. Don't be smarter than halacha; many people tried that and failed spectacularly. Simple- if one is careful about yichud, even if the cleaning lady/secretary/whoever is prettier than the wife, nothing will happen. You can't act on your temptations if you don't allow an opportunity for it.

Lori, Yes protect your spouse. I have seen this many times. Things start out fine. Then its eye contact, personal conversation "sharing", time alone together, touching, and soon its over. Even dancing with someone can create a spark. Too much fun with the opposite gender, even with the spouce present can send signals of availability. Another way to view this is; if the two of them never got together, it would not have happened. Think about it!