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Don’t Tell Mommy (Marriage Part 2)

When a child confides in only one parent.

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The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 30

(28) Anonymous, June 6, 2015 4:22 PM

Lori,I totally agree with you
we are not two persons in one but two different individuals with their own personalities

(27) Anonymous, May 26, 2015 2:55 PM

it is difficult to put a rule to this

In some situations I think it is valuable to have the input of both parents in a problem, provided the parent who is being made the confidant clears the agreement with his or her child first; and dprovided the child is not the victim of abuse by one parent.
In other situations it is invaluable for the child to be able to give voice to what worries them and know that they are being treated with respect and dignity - that their worries are not being aired with anyone else.
I grew up in a seriously abusive home. I was the 'korban tamid' (only way to describe it in brief). I felt I could not confide in the obviously abusive parent - it was simply meat to that person's abuse. The other parent tended to tell everything there was to tell about me - it left me feeling doublybetrayed and vulnerable. I once wrote a letter to my grandmother who lived half the world away. Simply writing the letter helped me lift a small amount of the pain off my shoulders. I did not receive a reply. That was acutely disappointing; I even began to feel guilty about it since she could have told my parents at some point and then I would be in a much more destructive situation than I already found myself in as a 'korban'. It was a really impossible situation. I was completely isolated.
Had I had some reliable and trustworthy adult source open to me, I think it might have shortened the terrible and wasteful years of trying to find myself again, that took so much of my soul-time across my adulthood.

(26) chilliworker, May 17, 2015 8:39 AM

50/50

I would say that i'm gonna keep the secret, let the child unburden themselves.
If i think that the other parent needs to be involved, i might try and convince the child that this is for his/her benefit, and the other parent is the one who might be able to help.
If there is no NEED for the other parent to know, then just keep it a secret.

(25) Ingrid, May 15, 2015 11:00 PM

Totally Agree with you .....

Unless it is a life or death situation it makes sense.

(24) Bobby5000, May 15, 2015 7:47 PM

be a person who will listen and make things better

Many parents make things worse when you tell them about problems. Jack is bullied at school, reluctantly tells his mom and she begins screaming at her husband, calls the school and makes things far worse increasingly her son's stress. When another child has a similar problem, an uncle takes him aside for the next few weeks, teaches him how to fight and a couple of battles later other kids leave him alone. The first question in a child's mind is whether the parent can help.

When teenager Jane tells her father she is unhappy and unpopular, telling her that she is beautiful doesn't cut it. A cousin explains how to dress and act provides better advice.
Understanding, empathy, social skills can be very helpful and being a parent is a tough job.

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