When the Housekeeper Quit

I grew up in a house with three children. My mom stayed home and though we lived in a house in the suburbs and made ends meet on my dad's salary, we were never able to afford help. I am a working mom now, and recently became a mother to my third child BE"H. I have 3 1/2 year old twins and a new baby. I am very overwhelmed! I tried to get away without having a housekeeper or extra babysitting help for as long as I could, but the truth is, one person can only do so much. I have experienced burnout often from lack of sleep and pushing myself too hard. I just think that at this stage of life, with so many small kids depending on me and my husband being out so often (plus I work), I really need the help. I just can't do it all myself, and when I try, I become the raging screaming beast of a wife and mom or worse, I break down and get sick and incapacitated. When the kids are much older, I would love to get rid of having help. I have no problems cleaning toilets, washing floors, dishes, laundry, etc...and I think it is healthy for a person's character to be involved in housework. My husband is from the Ukraine, and he said in their school, they never had janitors. It was the students' job to clean the classroom and the school, and they took pride in it. I cleaned by myself until it became too much for me when my twins were born. Once everyone is old enough to be able to pitch, I think it will be very good for our individual personal development, sense of responsibilty and ability to work together as a team. So sorry housekeepers, the job in my house won't last forever.

I grew up with some household help and we all became reliant on her. It took me years to decipher how to clean my house, buy provisions, cook and all those things. My Mom did not know how to delegate to us kids. We are all doing better now, but I fear I am putting too much pressure on my family to help. They don't care about all this as much as I, and would not mind living in squalor. i do. I haves a maid come in once a month, and this month I plan to have her instruct me on more efficiency.

I'm sorry Lori, I simply do not believe that you had help 3 days a week and now your children are doing everything and it's better than your housekeeper ever did and the children are happy and smiling about it all. Wishful thinking... but not realistic

Interesting, but shocking how poor is the spelling of some of your correspondents

Hey Anonymous..... stay focused!!! Thanks Lori, another good one... a little work never hurt any one.

The household help is to help me keep the house organized, not to help the kids.Kids should have some responsibility for keeping their own spaces neat and clean but their lives are also busy with school and extra curricular activities.Nothing wrong with cleaning help if you can afford it and having a clean house is important to your mental health.

I agree with you Lori. There are 3 of us children in the family, and we were given chores to do from the moment we can do it. Children nowadays are spoiled! Parents think that if they give them a chore, it is a punishment. They need to realize that letting children do chores in the house is training them not only to be responsible individual, but also to know how to manage their own household /family in the future. You can't teach what you don't know, that's what my Mother always said to us.

we really can't judge! there are famile where both parenst work very hard and need the extra help it is not a luxury thing! However, I have to admit we get more frustarted making sure the house is clean before the baysitter "cleans" so we know where everything is or we don't worry about "where did she put it"? The irony of highering someoen to clean your house! so I'm not judging whetehr someoen should higher a houskeeper but you do have to think about whhther it helps or is it a bigger pain?

Hi Lori, I wanted to say hello from Florida. You always seem to make so much sense - I am in total agreement. Hope you are all well.

Hi Lori. I'm a Muslim mom of six living in North Africa where for many families having household help is more of a necessity than a luxury.I grew up in the West where cleaning was light and kids all pitched in with family household tasks. It was shocking to me to move to a part of the world where domestic work can be so grueling, and where maids are the norm. That said, even though I work professionally from home and my domestic tasks alone (not mothering, not being a wife) take up more than a full time work week, I've opted not to have paid help. Our climate is extremely dusty and dirty, so my house simply doesn't look as clean as someone who has help, but we value our privacy and my husband, like yours, is uncomfortable when another woman is working and walking throughout our home. I also agree with you that this is good for the kids.My boys initially expressed embarrassment at doing what is culturally perceived as women's work (ie. maid's work) but I assured them that neighbors were impressed by seeing boys helping their mother with washing windows, stairs and balconies We have a rotating job chart for the kids and they have to help with other tasks that come along. We all are working very hard but it's definitely a better way for them to be growing up.

I agree with you Lori. I grew up with chores to do around the house. It was never clean unless we all did it. I want to try to teach my children to help out. Right now my one son is only one and a half, a little too young to be of much help to me and my husband trying to make sure everything is liveable at least, but... I'm trying to teach him how to put things like his toys away nicely, and that's a start.

Yes, in principal the message is right, but I want to issue a caveat: If your children strongly resist taking responsibility, think again. I have 2 children, siblings, adopted after a traumatic infany. I struggled for years to understand why they weren't like the other kids I knew. Only recently I learned that they have RAD (reactive attachment disorder, which can happen in very early childhood if physical and/or emotional abandonment occurs). I finally got appropriate treatment, which included the temporarily rescinding of any expectations of them. After a proper foundation is built, expectations can slowly be initiated again. So, if you see that this beautiful idea is not working for your family, please take stock and get an assesment and the right help instead of pushing "forward" fruitlessly. One more thing: Obviously a working mother with small children will need to take the household help she needs and have age-approriate expectations of the children as they grow up, in order to avoid overburdening them as I have seen happen here in Israel, where children can be abundant, while the money is tight.

i grew up having jobs and when my kids were at home,they all had chores,based on age and ability. it is the only way to raise responsible people who will be able to live independently and not rely on anyone else doing it for them. important skills to know. i agree with your husband -most people should not have housekeepers today,cleaning help for the heavyduty stuff or for special occasions....

Usually, I LOVE Lori's videos, and this one made a lot of good points. When your children are of an age when they can pick up after themselves, they should do so. However, a mom of several young children, a special needs child, or (as comment 25 mentioned) a toddler while expecting another baby often needs help. And what of a mom with a newborn (esp. if she has the baby blues or PPD)? Many of us don't have a mother or a sister nearby to help us as previous generations did. When we spend time and physical effort on dishes and laundry when we are feeling overwhelmed, we can't be there for the kids or our husbands. Sometimes it compromises our mental health. There's a big difference between an all-day, every day housekeeper and one who comes 1 or 2 x a wk just to keep laundry and dishes from piling up, change sheets, and clean the bathrooms. My kids (none older than 8) pick up their toys, shelve books, put their clothes in the hamper, etc. in between. They make their beds and set the table for Shabbos. For a couple years, we put off a housekeeper. After all, my husband & I didn't grow up with one. But we didn't grow up with big frum families, we weren't expected to do hachnassas orchim, etc. We finally got the housekeeper when a rav said to do so, and now I can enjoy being a mom instead of being too worn out to play, too busy to enjoy my husband's company after the kids are in bed (because laundry is calling and so are the dishes!) , too blue and busy to enjoy hobbies and friends, etc. There's such a thing as balance.

I was the housekeeper growing up. It definitely took its toll on me. Too much so. I was the eldest daughter and the bulk of things fell on me. I had to work with or against my sisters to keep the house in order. My husband grew up with a housekeeper and I think he grew up with a sense that things just sort of miraculously stayed clean! It wasn't until he moved out of the house that he started doing his own laundry, cooking, etc. I had been doing all this from a very young age. That's much better than I can say for many of my friends' husbands...housekeeper or not. All too often in two-income households, I see the bulk of everything (child care, cleaning, cooking, etc) falls on the wives who very dearly need a vacation, a housekeeper, a personal assistant, time to breathe and even better SLEEP! Best thing you can do for your kids' future spouse is teach them to cook, clean and take care of themselves and the household. Prepare them for real life.

This video has really strengthened my resolve. I have just had a baby a year after the last one, and for the first time, am struggling with the housekeeping. I've been praying for more income to get more help, but at the same time have been saying to myself, "No, I should be praying to be able to cope better: with what I do, and, more importantly, with what I DON'T DO." Yes. I need to be able to be OK with what I can't get done. I think all mothers can relate to that...and we can know that children are a lot more resilient and able to cope than we think, too. Thank You!!! And now I'm going to sit here and enjoy the rest of my scrambled eggs, while reading the rest of the Aish articles and letting the washing pile up.... Ahhh.

Giving our children greater responsibility will pay off in the long run. Everyone needs to learn the skills to not just clean, but to cook as well. We never know what life will send our way.

99% get married when they grow up, or it use to be. Children doing household chores is teaching them maintenance on a home and working as a family team. I never had to do household chores growing up. My mindset isn't "family" or "marriage w/o business purpose" and I let my first spouse know right off "I'm NOT a slave" and he made sure I had a house-cleaner. LOVE the single life, once was enough. I don't get into the thoughts of family gatherings that is centered around cooking a meal and all the clean up, YUCK! I'm not going to say "I wish I had it different growing up" couldn't imagine the scene of that. I view motherhood an oppression, and wouldn't want to bring children into this horrible messed up world anyway. Where is the love in that? I'm responsible, however, that responsibility doesn't include a family. Those that do not have household help, is teaching your children to grow up being family oriented individuals. That's not a BAD thing! Traditional family values making a strong family unit, maybe it's coming back in vogue. Close family ties NEVER has hurt society, it strengthens it. This is not to belittle those who have a full-time housekeeper. I LOVE my life. When the KIDS grows up; Your children WILL take you out to eat, make sure you are in a GOOD nursing home, hire the BEST home health assistance, and make sure your on the LIST for meals-on-wheels, calls you on the cellphone between destinations, but don't expect much more. Speaking the extreme scenario, for they will be career, high achiever's, project oriented individuals, that are home long enough to change clothes, place a new post it note on the fridge, and come back to sleep a few hours. Lots of grandkids, probable NOT. The housekeeper quit, you may see those kids more when they grow up. Your onto something with THIS.

great message

Lori, though in an idealistic world I agree with you, in a realistic world where busy mothers are actually raising their children, carpooling, cooking, and cleaning (even with cleaning help), an extra set of hands to scrub the toilets, food ridden floors, and constant exploding mess from young children is vital to a mother's sanity. An issue that really needs to be addressed and I really want to see you comment on is the new phenomenon of cleaning help turning into childcare and raising our Jewish neshamas. It starts off as the cleaning lady watching the child while the child is napping "for a quick errand" and has turned into the nanny (somehow that label seems to upgrade the help) partnering in raising our children. Cleaning help is one thing, but goys raising our children is the real crime here. I look forward to you addressing this very hot topic.

Hi Lori, I enjoy your "Almost live" items a lot. Your last item on the loss of your housekeeper brought back many sad memories of my youth. soon after my barmitzvah in 1964, my mother fell seriously ill and had to go away to hospital for six weeks. After school every dayI made tea for my younger brother, did some of the housework and got a meal ready for my father for when he got home from the hospital after visiting mum after work. Yes, this was good training. Yes I learned how to do homework as well as care for my little brother, but at what cost? I was old enough to know that my mother was very ill (she did recover though), and I learned at too young an age about stress and worry. When my mother recovered and came home, she came down on me 'like a ton of bricks' as we say in the UK when she found things less than perfect, no matter how hard I tried. I feel that events which were outside my control made me the cynical person that I am today.

On a purely metaphysical level it is bettter to do it all ourselves, everyone pitch in and all men (and women) are on base. But is that the reality? I think we do need help, even if it is once in a while. While most of us don't need full time help (unless circumstances require,, new baby or chas v'shalom a sickness in the family) we do often find it helpful to have some type of p/t assistance in the housekeeping and maintenance. This does not mean to say that you cannot fold the laundry yourself, or wash the plates yourself.. but if you had a particularly busy (B"H) week it does help make the Shabbos that much more enjoyable. My husband's aunt is fond of saying, "Don't spend your money on ______, but do spend it on some househeld help".

Whether or not one has hired help ts good to get some mental help too when it comes to household management! Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller has great advice for someone who is not good at keeping a home and may not like keeping house in class #15 in the series 'Achieving Balance' available at Naaleh.com.

I used to be a very spoiled young lady, and I did nothing at home, not even making my bed, until I got married, and now after many kids I can't afford a maid, and believe me it's a source of bitterness when you discover what it is to run a household on your own without help! So I teach my kids to help me, but sometimes I feel like a slave after my princess like youth! So teach your children to share the chores and like in Mary Poppins try to find the FUN in it!!!! Shalom and kol hakavod

I tell my daughter that it's important to know how to do chores because one day she will have a home and family of her own and will need to know how to care for them.

I agree with Lori, however, when you have a running baby under 2 and expecting a second precious, one it's very difficult to keep the house in tact. Though the husband is there to help, he's not made of steel either. So some help - once or twice a week - i believe is necessary. Also, as others mentioned, it does boost the shalom bait. And if it is available now to our generation, then, as primitive as it might sound, God "offered" it to us. It's up to us yet again how to use it. Thank you, Lori, for always interesting messages.

think of the women that has no other means of making a living than to clean other ppls houses her and her family would starve if not for cleaning other ppls houses

Sometimes it is irresponsible not to have household help just to be able to brag of being a Jewish superwomen. It depends on many things, but if having help allows you to be less tired, and spend more quality time with family members of course it is responsible. And there is no contradiction between having help and allocating age-appropriate chores to children.

I think you're confusing two completely different issues: having someone come in once or twice a month to clean the toilets and light fixtures vs cleaning up after yourself by doing laundry and dishes. I agree completely with you that most families do not need a maid (which is really what you had) because kids should learn to pick up after themselves. Laundry and dishes are part of our everyday lives (maybe not laundry every single day, but in a large family, usually more than once a week). However, deep cleaning and even surface cleaning of bathrooms and other rooms that don't need daily cleaning is a different issue. Having a maid to clean up your daily messes is spoiling children.

I love what you share here and come as often as I can to listen. I WISH we had raised our children more like this, but my husband came from a family where he and his sister did NOTHING at all... N O T H I N G!!! So he could not tolerate my attempts to deal out chores to our children. But I did teach them what I could, here and there. With the last one, he was more of a mind that she should help out and so she did help with household chores. There are some things, like this issue, that ought to be well discussed and agreed upon prior to marriage. My children today are all much more into doing household work and keep a better house than I do. I am grateful for that and also that my grandchildren are being taught to do chores!!

So nice to hear you express this...I've never had a house keeper for the exact reasons you expressed. I was a single mum with 3 sometimes 4/5 children. they are all grown up now. But I am proud to say they are all well adjusted responsible kids and all keep there own houses in "good" order by our family standards...I am so happy to see my kids having a high standard within there own space. They got so conditioned to having a clear, clean environment they want no less for themselves. I see they are now free to fly because they are taking care of there base and can move out into the world from there. Happy, Confident, together young adults...

Some house help, if it can be afforded, is such a great boost to shalom bait! Especially if several small children and working mum are part of the picture. Being able to avoid arguments with your spouse on who should do/should have done the tidying up, the dishes, the laundry is great value for the cash spent on house help! Might be different with older kids in the house but I don't know because mine are still small.

I grew up in a house where we all pitched in. We all had our own chores and responsiblilities and it was very valuable in teaching me how to keep a house. In retrospect it also gives me a lot of respect for my mom because I know now how hard she worked to keep a house. Having said that, I also believe that having help when your children are young can be a G-d-send. I know that especially for Shabbos it has increased the Shalom Bayis in our house immeasurably. I only have a lady come once a week and I know it won't be forever, but for now it helps me keep my sanity, peace of mind and home running smoothly.

My parents worked hard for decades and had minimal household help. Now in their elderly years they need and have full-time assistance, B"H. For my little family now, we all do housework. My one child has been doing her own laundry since she was very young and now she knows how to take care of herself. In this era it's a tricky thing to know when we really need help and when we can and should do it ourselves. As long as I can I will do the chores myself; It's good exercise, it saves money and you're right, Lori, it makes us responsible.

It would be so nice to meet Lori's parents. For her to be as insightful as she is, they most certainly have to be diamonds in the rough.

I think that a cleaning lady is a wonderful addition to a family, but not a substitute for each family member taking on a responsibility. Whether a woman works or is a f/t homemaker, she is the queen of the home. As such, it is her responsibility to mete out the tasks, but in no way should she be doing the lion's share. Every family member should do a share that is age appropriate, There is nothing wrong with a cleaning woman taking up the slack so a family is free to recreate sometimes. Taking out the garbage and doing laundry- every kid should be doing this,but no need for a kid to be doing windows, curtains, cleaning an oven. Some of this stuff also needs to be supervised. So many accidents can happen- so be careful what you give away. I never liked when kids use electric snowblowers or mowers or do heavy lifting. Careful to be home when kids cook with flames! So- nothing wrong with a supplemental housekeeper and don't forget- the mother is the QUEEN and should always be respected for her role in oversight, coordination, and safety- that's not an easy position.

I agree and disagree. I think there has to be a balance. Children should have chores and responsibilities for chinuch purposes but the responsibility of the household should be on the parents. With evrything there is to do in a home, and very often both parents working, a cleaning lady is definitavly NOT a luxury.

I have 4 grown children who ALWAYS helped around the house: fixed up their rooms, washed the floors, did some of the cooking, cleaned the bathrooms. Today my daughter in law, and 2 sons in law are kvelling with their spouses. They all got a great deal. (esp. the dil)

First of all I live in Cleveland and have seen Lori live twice and I look forward to her blogs each week. Lori I think you make such sense and this weeks blog on housework is right on target. I am unfortunatly widowed and my sons are in Yeshiva but when they are home they know they have to help with housework. I do use a cleaning lady every 6 weeks or so but it is so important for children to have chores and help around the house. I am the youngest of 5 and my mom had cleaning help but we all had chores in the house. It will make my sons better husbands and fathers. Sincerely, Mrs. Barbara Adler

Try living in Israel on Israeli salaries, and afford household help. Most families I know here in Yerushalayim are barely affording food and clothing. Hired help is so galus. Of course everyone helps keep the house clean. And yes, a lot of it falls on us working mothers. So what? Some weeks it's cleaner than other weeks. We're happy and healthy, and we wear clean clothes every day. I like that other feedback that mentioned being able to afford cleaning help, but not school tuition. I guess it's just priorities.

if there is enough money for cleaning help one should take that help & not spend extra money on nonsence ie: shopping shopping shopping. nothing like coming home after a day in school/work to a clean house. after the cleaning lady leaves & kids come home there are many chores that can still be done by mom/dad/& kids. if no cleaning help mom will take most of the workload & thats too too much!!!

When my children were little, I had live-in help. One day I heard my 2 year old say he wanted to "ax" me something. After that I took him with me all the time. Eventually, I realized the housekeeper was not for me, it was for the children and mostly the husband.........or wasband.

I am so glad that your are speaking up about families being able to function by sharing responsibilities. It amazes/surprises/shocks me how there is money available for cleaning help but not enough money for tuition.

I did not grow up with any household help. My mother worked and we all helped with the chores. We have had a cleaning person for the entire 20 years of our marriage every other week. It frees this working mother and father somewhat and the children reluctantly help with chores. I wish it weren't such a nagfest when we have to remind them to do their chores, but we keep "reminding" and it does get done. Frankly, I think it's the best of both worlds. A thorough cleaning every other week and reluctant helpers most of the time. Our baby goes off the college in the fall and the cleaning person will have to go, but I will miss her! I really enjoy your wisdom and warmth.

Lori Thank you for your weekly video, I watch and listen to it every week. I never had a housekeeper. When I was growing up we had a woman in our house who helped my mother. We had 12 children in our house.!! When my children where little it would have been good to have someone help me with the housekeeping. I could have spent more time with them instead of worring about the chores all the time. My children are 2 years apart and I have 4. I think there are times when it would be a good thing. I also agree when the children are old enough they should help with the chores. Not every ones life can be the same. The woman of the bible had help. Sometimes that was good and sometimes not so good. Like with Sarah and Haggar. But most women had good help. Thanks again for your great videos. A friend from far away. Aray

We let our nanny go when the youngest (4) went to school and all 3 kids 4-9 have stepped up and do a great job keeping up the house. Not only is it saving money, but most importantly teaching them responsibility for others. Before they had to keep only their stuff neat. But now they sweep and do the dishes for the whole family. it's a wonderful experience that unfortunately is lost in our/our kids' generation of entitlement and lack of responsibility for others. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I'd be very unhappy if my housekeeper quit-I work full time and if she quit, I'd be doing all or most of the housework. My husband does not do housework, even though he has been unemployed for the past six months. My son (age 4) picks up his toys, but that is the extent. I have explained to him that he needs to help more. I did not have a cleaning lady growing up.

...and I'm still cleaning them up today. I used to always think I'd get a cleaning lady...when the promotion comes, when the lottery win hits, (haha!) when I get busier with life/temple/volunteering/yadda, yadda, yadda. I STILL don't have a cleaning lady, and I'm no better or worse for it. My husband and I are empty nesters and now, it doesn't make sense for us to employ one since we've down-sized and de-cluttered. Hubby, (a non-Jew) cleans house while I'm at shul...because only THEN am I out of his way long enough to not get under his feet! :) Works just fine for me!

Dear Lori, I'm glad this is working for you and your children have stepped in to fill the gap. B"H I am a married mom (no babies, youngest is 11) 'working' around 25 hours a week. My children are home less and less and help plenty when they are here, especially erev shabbos. Three of them have received notice that since they have alot of time off before Pesach, and I don't, they will have lists and lists to complete in preparation. They will step up to the plate and we will thank them for it, but not pay them. I have help two days a week. I would be a shmatte if I had to insure the kitchen, bathrooms, etc met bare minimums without the cleaning lady. I'm not a natural when it comes to organization and tidiness. My children have many responsibilities including schoolwork, visiting their grandparents and other acts of kindness that they would resent or not have time for if they had to fold laundry as well. As for me, I would rather play bananagrams with them than mop the floor. The floor doesn't know who holds the mop. The kids know who is available for them. I'm glad this is working for your family, and I definitely agree that lack of any responsibility is not ideal for children, but my two days works for me, and I'd have three if I could afford it! best wishes

I DO NOT HAVE A CLEANING LADY! I have a full time job 2 kids and shabbos full of guests. AND NO CLEANING LADY! My friends ask me " why don't you make it easier on yourself?". ANd I say. I would be 2 embarrassed if someone would have to clean my mass. My daughters help me clean up. THey learn that it;s their job to clean their mess. I wouldn't change it for the world.