Breaking Away from the Bully

When I was in fourth grade, Wednesday was my favorite day of the week. My mother had a weekly program on Wednesday which prevented her from being home at lunch time. This meant that at least one day a week I avoided being the only kid who took the bus home, and would instead eat lunch in the cafeteria with the rest of my friends and classmates.

By the end of that same year, I came to hate Wednesday.

One particular Wednesday, at the sound of the bell, I grabbed my paper bag lunch and trudged over to the cafeteria. I began to unpack my lunch, my lank, brown hair hanging loose around my face. I pulled out my sandwich – peanut butter and jelly on white bread – and was surprised to find something else in the bag. I smiled as I pulled out a strawberry yogurt and spoon.

I opened the yogurt and began to mix the sweet fruit on the bottom into the creamy white yogurt. Once I had achieved the perfect delicious consistency, I dipped my spoon in again and prepared to take the first bite. At that moment, someone slammed into my back, and my yogurt – instead of entering my mouth – splashed onto my shirt and my hair.

Laughter surrounded me.

"Hey, that's why her hair looks like that. She washes it with yogurt!" Crystal called out.

More laughter followed as I jumped from my seat and ran to the bathroom to clean up. Crystal had done it again, as she would continue to do for the next five or six years.

At one point, when we were already in high school, Crystal tried to renew the merciless teasing of our younger years. I rolled my eyes and walked away. By then, I was a different person and her words could not hurt me as they had when I was 10.

Emotional Release

Passover is the time of Jewish redemption, when we commemorate our release from Egyptian slavery. But this is also the time to let go of the baggage that is tying us down from achieving our own personal exodus.

Slavery is about more than just forced labor. In today's world we become slaves to all sorts of things.

A young child is enslaved by a bully. He feels trapped by the suffering and constant mistreatment. But at some point, he will be physically released. Whether it is age, distance or other circumstances that take him out of the bullying situation, the child is experiencing his own personal exodus. However, if he holds on to the slave mentality, the master will continue to control him.

The Torah says that the going out of Egypt was a physical freedom, but psychologically the Jews still felt enslaved, emotionally attached to their Egyptian oppressors. It wasn’t until they saw with their own eyes how the Egyptians drowned in the Red Sea that the Jews felt truly liberated.

Crystal Again

I once read an article where a woman felt guilty about the way she had treated another girl in school. She was encouraged to search out the other girl and ask for forgiveness. I wonder how I would react if Crystal or one of the other girls from my childhood found me and did the same.

When Facebook first came on the scene, I signed up and entered all the information of my schooling. I was excited to reconnect with long-lost friends and see if their lives had turned out as different from what they expected as mine did for me. When I pressed the “next” button, I was rewarded with a list of "People you might know." The very first profile picture sent shivers down my spine. Suddenly, I was 10 years old again and looking into the face of Crystal through tear-soaked eyes. Perhaps I didn't want to delve too deeply into my past, after all.

Or did I?

Looking back, I perceive things very differently. Crystal's hair was just as brown and lanky as mine. She was from a lower middle class home with a questionable family life. Her academic abilities were sub-par and she didn't even manage to finish high school with the rest of us. Her self-confidence hinged on her ability to disparage others. When I clicked on her Facebook profile, I discovered her life was a far cry from mine – and significantly less successful. Is this really the girl I had envied and allowed to control my social life for so many years?

Is this the girl I had allowed to control my social life for years?

The truth was that I had already forgiven Crystal and the rest of her gang. What they did to me was not really about me, but about them. Crystal had a problem and her only way of solving it was to make someone else look more idiotic than she. Even if that weren't the case – even if my bully had been the captain of the cheerleading squad and valedictorian – would that have made it any more my fault that she picked on me? Not the least.

And if – as the victim – I drag around the anger and resentment, who does that hurt? Only myself. The Torah teaches, "You should not hate your brother in your heart" (Leviticus 19:12). Why not? If it's in my heart, the other person won't know anyway. I'm not attacking them verbally or physically. I'm just carrying around a grudge. So what's the big deal?

The big deal is the effect it has on me. Like an untreated wound, the grudge festers and rots, making the entire body ill.

How were these girls able to have such control over me? Because I allowed them to. I measured my self-worth by their opinion of me. No matter how hard I tried to please them, it was never enough. I allowed them to decide who I was, instead of deciding for myself. And as I discovered in high school, the only response that would make them stop, was no response at all.

By letting go and forgiving them for the silly things that happened when we were 10, I allowed myself to heal. I put myself in charge of deciding who I was and who I was going to become. Did they need to ask my forgiveness? It would be good for them to feel remorse, but that should have no bearing on my actions. If I continued to hold a grudge, Crystal would move on with her life and I would still be 10.

By shifting the focus from "Woe is me," I was able to forgive, forget and move on.

Visitor Comments: 7

(7) L.S., April 22, 2011 5:46 PM

Excellent article!

ALL the people who have ever bullied me now have horrible lives. I was teased mercilessly and abused verbally and at times physically, because I was a bit chunky, not so pretty, etc. No teacher ever stood up for me and my parents didn't take it seriously enough to help me--I was on my own and it was awful. NOW, fast-forward some years, I lost a lot of weight, have advanced degrees, and these people look haggard from their horrible circumstances such as out-of-wedlock births, cancer, poverty, etc. Hashem really does have a sense of justice and a sense of humor. No, I do not rejoice in these peoples' bad circumstances, as we are commanded to have sympathy even for our enemies BUT--it just goes to show what goes around comes around (karma). B'H" I have good life circumstances and am grateful for my life. And, suffice to say, living a good life is the best revenge!

(6) Bobby5000, April 21, 2011 12:08 PM

Dealing with bullying

Having been there, I make these suggestions. 1. DEVELOP SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE Being likable is a skill like anything else. Listen rather than talk. Compliment others, See how people dress. Try to understand group dynamics. 2. LEARN HOW TO FIGHT AND DO IT WHEN NEEDED (for boys) The absolute worse thing you can do is ignore taunting and bullying. ANNOUNCEMENT BILLY WILL NOT BE DOING ANYTHING IF YOU BULLY HIM, FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN. Make the commitment to learn basic fighting skills and fight when necessary. Chek with an uncle or family friend who knows how to fight. They had a woman defend herself against a predator with a arm to the neck, two other victims without that basic skill were not so lucky. Some boys may not like to fight, but you do not have a choice. In high school, you must take a foreign language and science, and growing up you have to periodically be able to fight.

(5) WA Ford, April 17, 2011 3:09 AM

bullying is slavery

I was bullied as a child mostly during upper primary and intermediate school. I dealt with it by learning to ignore, changing schools and not caring what people think.

(4) Pat, April 13, 2011 5:01 PM

Yesterday is Gone, When tomorrow comes it is Today...all that we really have is TODAY

This is such a wonderful article. I was not bullied but know people who were. I was not a bully but look back now and see I could have stood up more for some of those people who were. Doing nothing sometimes is really doing something. In the end, we have to let God handle things and just decide to move on in life, forgiving but never forgetting the lessons learned.

(3) Al, April 12, 2011 3:32 PM

This is the ideal, but . . .

This is a great ideal to live up to and, it is the only path that will ultimately allow one to be free of the bully/situation. But in reality, few of us are able to master our emotions to this level. When we've been hurt so much and so deeply, we naturally want to give some of this back -- for some that is the ONLY way to get rid of the poison. And some of us get that chance. The trick for the rest of us is to realize that if we can't give the posion back to its source, unless we find a way to release it, it will "kill" us -- spiritually, if not physically.

(2) Anonymous, April 12, 2011 3:32 PM

Redemption

I just wrote a lengthy response to this article and since it was not a saved message it was lost.. So here it is again. I am a teacher and am well aware of the effects of bullying. It is emotional abuse and it wreaks havoc. When people try to beat you down they really don't realize that their actions are only making you gain more strength. "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt. And about Criticism: If you see what needs to be repaired and know how to repair it then you have found a piece of the world that G-d has left for you to perfect. But if you only see what is wrong and ugly then it is you yourself that needs repair. I am married to a Sicilian whose family held a grudge against me for over ten years. I am so thankful I am born into the Jewish faith and that I can celbrate Passover the holiday of redemption. Stubborness like Pharoah is a curse, but Hashem revealed to us his power and when a stony heart needs to be disciplined, it may not be immediate, but he certainly takes powerful action. The haughty will be humbled. Baruch Hashem. May we all celebrate our freedom from slavery! A Happy Passover!