The Right Tool

One Tuesday I noticed that my flowers from Shabbat were droopy - in fact downright dead. I took the vase off the dining room table, discarded the flowers, and reached for my bottle brush to scrub the vase. The bottle brush was not in its usual place.

"No matter," I thought. "I can do fine without it." I filled the vase up with soapy water, swished the water around, and poured it out. The inside of the vase was still coated with slime.

I reached for the brush I use to scrub the dairy dishes. It was too big to fit through the narrow neck of the vase. I tried using my fingers; they weren't long enough.

No matter how resourceful I am, there's no replacement for the humble bottle brush.

Not to be thwarted by the lack of a bottle brush, I decided to improvise a replacement. I took a wooden ruler and covered it with a washcloth. Voila! It was narrow enough to fit through the neck and long enough to reach the bottom of the vase. But it wasn't flexible enough to get to the hard-to-reach places.

Standing there holding my slimy vase, I had an epiphany: Doing the job right requires the right tool. No matter how clever and resourceful I am, there's no replacement for the humble bottle brush.

THE MANUAL FOR PLANET EARTH

That night I sat down to read my email and was almost knocked out of my chair by the vitriolic force of a scathing letter from my cousin. This cousin was insulted by something I had written in one of my articles. Her letter was like a bomb packed with poison-coated nails. She attacked not just my article, but my entire despicable self and my loathsome life. According to her, I was a contemptible cousin and a rotten human being, and had always been so.

I sat there in front of my computer at first flabbergasted, then hurt, then resentful. Even if I had been guilty of an indiscretion in my article, certainly I did not deserve all the insults she had fired at me.

Not one to be cowed, the warrior in me took up her sword and was about to launch a counter-offensive. My cousin was not such a sterling individual herself, and I knew just what to say in retaliation. My hands were poised on my trusty keyboard, a weapon I well knew how to wield, when I stopped short.

The Torah prohibits us from taking revenge and returning tit for tat [Lev. 19:18].

My hands withdrew from the keyboard. Okay, I wouldn't write her back a scathing letter. I got up and went to unload the dishwasher, but inside I was still fuming with hatred. How dare she?! By the time I had finished unloading the glasses, I realized to my dismay that the Torah also enjoins us, "Do not hate your brother in your heart" [Lev. 19:17].

"Oh, no!" I thought. "I'm not even allowed to hate her?"

I sat down at the kitchen table and decided to work this through. My feelings of outrage were bubbling up in my heart like a volcano, but the Torah expected me to process and control my thoughts and emotions as well as my actions. I knew that the way to change emotions is to change the thoughts that I was telling myself. By a gigantic act of will, I "changed the tape." I forced myself to remember good things about my cousin, times she had been loving to me, times she had been vulnerable.

Finally I stood up, calm enough to go to bed. I hadn't taken revenge and I didn't hate her in my heart. I would not write her a nasty letter; in fact, I wouldn't write to her at all. If she finds me so abhorrent, then obviously the relationship is over. I don't need a relationship with her anyway, I thought as I fell asleep.

The next morning, it dawned on me: the Torah doesn't condone the "silent treatment" either.

The next morning, it dawned on me: the Torah doesn't condone the "silent treatment" either. A Jew who does not greet his/her fellow for three consecutive days has transgressed the mitzvah to love your neighbor as yourself. The Torah was actually requiring me to communicate with my cousin.

It took me hours to work up to it, but that afternoon I sat down at my computer and wrote my cousin a letter. I humbly apologized for the offense in my article, told her how much I valued our relationship, and expressed my hope that this altercation would not create a rift in our family.

A few hours later I received a three-sentence email from my cousin. It said: "Sorry. I was having a bad day. Of course I love you and want to be friends with you."

I read her email with consternation. Her attack on me had sprung from nothing deeper than "a bad day"?! If it hadn't been for the Torah, her "bad day" would have led to a family feud that might have lasted a lifetime.

Some people like to say that Torah is the "instruction manual for planet Earth." I prefer to think of it as the Divine bottle brush.

Sara Yoheved Rigler will be giving lectures and workshops in the NY/NJ area May 18-20. For her full schedule, see www.sararigler.com.

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Published: January 13, 2007
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Visitor Comments: 24

(24) C. Siegel, January 20, 2007 1:21 PM

Actually...

...If you want to get a stain or gunky stuff out of a bottle and you don't have a brush, you can use an aspirin tablet and a half cup of hot water. You'll clean out the bottle, and I guarantee you'll never take aspirin on an empty stomach again.

(23) alpweil, January 19, 2007 9:50 PM

Torah Alive

Great article....for me a guide to how Torah lives with us in our every day lives. Thank you Sarah for giving of your wisdom. Thank you for making this understanding so accessible. I hope you will write soon again about a problem and the practical way the Torah guides us. AT the end of this reading,I wanted to read more.

(22) Andy, January 19, 2007 1:11 PM

you changed her dark day to blue skies

I think her bad day[opinion of you] was corrected by your reply.

(21) raymond bastarache, January 19, 2007 11:13 AM

bottle (heart) washed

beautiful spirit like our master...well done ! the torah has the answer to all life,s problems.glory be to G-D.

(20) Sharon, January 18, 2007 4:47 AM

The right analogy for the Torah

Your beautifully written essay exemplified how acting in accordance with Torah and overcoming instinctive impulses, achieved not only the benefit of having done the right thing, but also warded off what would have been catastrophic results. Your little anecdote about the indispensable bottle brush was likewise entertaining, but I think it falls short as an adequate analogy for the Torah. The bottle brush has a very specific function, but it is not versatile â€“ it doesn't have a very large number of uses, in fact I don't own one. The product of your behavior to contain your instinctive desire to lash out at your cousin, and to go one more step and return an almost conciliatory note in its stead was indeed a very versatile recipe for promoting good will, sanctifying God's Name, and controlling your own rage. These are general and versatile tools which I would compare with a general household tool like the kitchen sink, which is indispensable for upholding cleanliness, both spiritual and physical.

(19) Anonymous, January 17, 2007 9:25 AM

Beautiful!

You illustrate your point in such a real manner, one can't help internalizing it. Thank You.

(18) Yoshe :), January 17, 2007 9:13 AM

Torah, The Great Cleanser

Thank you for teaching me/us that to ignore someone for three consecutive days is to violate 'love thy neighbor as thy self.'

(17) Yedida Sachs, January 16, 2007 8:34 PM

thank you

I heard you speak in Nov at the Jewish Renaissance Center, and I just finished your book. It was really phenomenal! It's the kind of book a person could read over and over and learn something new each time. Thank you so much. I will continue to look for your articles.

Yedida Sachs

(16) Anonymous, January 16, 2007 5:47 PM

Ohhh.......

Wow, you really are an unbelievably honest and special lady Rebbetzen Rigler, I truly admire you...recently I suffered so much from a nasty landlord, including losing money, and I had to strugle so hard with my feelings, I kept begining to curse him out and then trying to stop myself. Unfortunately I feel like I failed that test, but maybe next time Hashem sends me such a test, thanks to you I might score higher! Also, I was deep inspired by Holy Woman, its a real masterpiece - thank you. I admit I have a hard time understanding and digesting all the actions of these special Tzadikim, but you show that you too didn't always understand it. May we all be on such an elevated level one day. May Hashem help you go from strength to strength.

(15) Laya, January 16, 2007 10:23 AM

Thank you!

Oh, how I appreciate the way you share your thoughts and heart. Thank you!

(14) Tami, January 15, 2007 2:42 AM

Inspiring!

This article is inspiring! My approach to life is from a different angle, but towards the same sensible conclusion - love yourself enough not to harm yourself with the sward you want to hurt any other person, do not poison yourself with revenge thoughts, don't punish yourself for the stupidity of others and so on.
...and also many thanks for broadening my English

(13) Catrina, January 14, 2007 11:52 PM

Perfect and profound

Yet again, I am in awe of the straightforwardness,profundity and truth of your writing. To strike back, to repay hurt with more hurt, is almost a reflex reaction. I only wish I had had this article to read 5 years ago before I lashed back at one of my closest friends who had hurt me in a similar way. He is now dying of cancer,and I have apologised over and over, and STILL he will not forgive me. Words written in anger are a terrible weapon.

(12) Nancy Bogle, January 14, 2007 10:50 PM

Thanks for sharing the process you went through.

"The way to change your emotions is to change your THOUGHTS" ... this is so profound! This is so hard to do, but so rewarding.

(11) Laurie B., January 14, 2007 10:36 PM

kol hakavod

The Torah is unquestionably the right tool. But your ability to use this tool when all human weakness and indignation are pushing you not to, is incredible gevurah. I've just increased my already high admiration for you, Mrs. Rigler.

(10) Alex Talkar, January 14, 2007 10:24 PM

Classic Article

As per Torah we are supposed to build bridges in our relationship and this article is a classic example.
Thank you Sarah for such a wonderful article.

(9) Marsha Schwartz, January 14, 2007 9:18 PM

It's all there - in the Torah!

Thank you, Mrs. Rigler for such an open and honest article. I'm sure it will serve as a blueprint for many of us in dealing with similar situations.

(8) Anonymous, January 14, 2007 6:39 PM

hhhmmm...

Thank you for this article, I really enjoyed reading this because these are exactly the stages most of us go through when we meet with conflict. There must also be specific Torah guidance on how to use patience to avoid hurting others. Someday, I hope that I can go directly to that stage of conflict. Patience and give love.

(7) Mark, January 14, 2007 5:24 PM

Great Article on Reframing

Great article. We published as similiar thought today on beyondbt.com about the technique that Rabbi Pliskin refers to as reframing.

Rabbi Pliskin, suggests that the key to a life of joy is to master this art of â€œreframingâ€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> â€” to change our negative perception of a situation into a more optimistic outlook.

Mrs Rigler however capture a number of other ways in which she put into real practice, Torah true principles.

(6) Anonymous, January 14, 2007 3:14 PM

Rock Bottom

If you put a rock(an ordinary rock -not round and smooth) in the bottom of the flower vase (carefully) the flowers will last longer and !no slime!

(5) Lori C., January 14, 2007 1:06 PM

beautiful

simple and beautiful truths,,
thank you for reminding me of them

(4) Mary, January 14, 2007 12:37 PM

Send her this week's Aish.

I hope the author forwards to her cousin this weeks' Aish mailing so the cousin can read the article and comments. She can learn something in a non hurtful way. She is likely hurting her husband and children as well and is likely not aware of it.

(3) Anonymous, January 14, 2007 12:03 PM

thank you

Great article and advice. Most hot-heads (okay, I'm not exactly a hot head but I can overreact at times) might wait overnight before sending an angry letter via snail mail, but with email the instant gratification of tit for tat is so tempting.

I'm glad your Torah knowledge allowed you to exercise restraint.

(2) Anonymous, January 14, 2007 9:04 AM

You've Turned the Light On!

As always, Sara Rigler's article hit the right tone. I've written "scathing" letters/emails on my "bad days" (& received emails from people on their bad days) and received in kind & replied in kind. Although I've generally regretted sending them once "it's in the mail" & have apologized to those people, many haven't responded and we now have a rift that gets wider no matter how hard I try to repair it. I've lost friends (& family members) who have been in my life for 30-40 years and I miss them terribly. But I guess they don't miss our relationship since they have kept the grudge. I'm going to forward this article to them with a short note of apoligy and see if that does the trick. You've made me realize that letting go of anger is the only way to go.

(1) Ellen Katz, January 14, 2007 7:34 AM

Thank you...

Thank you for your beautiful, insightful article. I have 2 sisters, a brother, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a son & a wonderful husband. Unfortunately, we often do or say unkind things that rattle around my brain & heart forever. Your article reminded me of the importance of living by the words of the Torah to improve our relationships & ourselves.

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About the Author

Sara Yoheved Rigler

More by this Author >

Sara Yoheved Rigler is the author of three best-sellers: Holy Woman, Lights from Jerusalem, and Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara (with Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller). She is a popular international lecturer on subjects of Jewish spirituality. She has given lectures and workshops in Israel, England, South Africa, Mexico, Canada, and over thirty American cities. A graduate of Brandeis University, after fifteen years of practicing and teaching meditation and Eastern philosophy, she discovered "the world''s most hidden religion: Torah Judaism." Since 1985, she has been living as a Torah-observant Jew in the Old City of Jerusalem with her husband and two children. She presents a highly-acclaimed Marriage Workshop for women [see www.kesherwife.com] as well as a Gratitude Workshop. To invite her to your community, please write to slewsi@aol.com.

Sara Yoheved Rigler's new book, God Winked: Tales and Lessons from my Spiritual Adventures is now available. The tales collected in this book span the breadth of her colorful, adventure-filled life. The lessons derive from a dizzying variety of sources: A Hassidic Rebbe in Jerusalem; A guru in Varanasi; A Kabbalist in rural Israel; Girls at a Calcutta orphanage; A clown; A cat on a dangerous military mission, and more. The tales in this book will make you laugh - and cry. The lessons will transform your life. Click here to order.