Sometimes when I look at where I am in my life I am not altogether thrilled. So I pray to God, using the words of the traditional prayer book and adding my own as well.
I can spend days, months, years, begging God for what I want. I scream and call out. But my life continues as is and I don't see, I don't hear the answers to my prayers. Where is God?
In the summer of 2002 I moved to Los Angeles to forward my show business careers -- I'm an actress, a comic, a writer and, what was most important to me at that time -- a songwriter. I had already written over 100 songs and had not been able to publish them. I was looking for my big break (and trying to avoid waiting tables!).
At the same time I was deepening my exploration of Judaism and the two worlds could not have seemed further apart. Then I met someone who seemed the answer to my dreams -- my career ones that is. A happily married observant Jewish man who was a music manager. My two worlds meshing perfectly.
I met him on a Friday evening at a synagogue function and he suggested I go visit and help his wife the next day since she would be home alone. He forgot to mention that she was the mother of three-year-old triplets!
As I traipsed through the heat I was envisioning the cool of the home, the calm of the beautiful Shabbat table, the pleasant warmth of the lady of the home, and looking forward to building this new relationship.
I got the relationship I wanted but in an unexpected guise. When the door opened, I was surprised to see chaos instead of calm, toys and remnants of breakfast instead of a pristine Shabbat table, and a more than slightly frazzled mother. The triplets had been up since 7:00 a.m. she explained and they were finally down for their nap.
Instead of sitting quietly and chatting, I pitched in to help clean up and prepare for their guests.
About five minutes later, just as we were beginning this large project, one of the girls began to cry. With a sigh, the mother glanced at me and explained that if one got up, she would wake the others, they would all be over-tired and grumpy and the whole day would be shot.
"There's probably nothing wrong," she said. "We just need to go stand outside the door and listen."
"She'll probably cry and call out," she explained, "and then be very quiet and listen to see if anyone is outside her room. If she hears us, she won't stop crying until we go in and get her. But if we're very quiet, she'll soon settle down and go back to sleep. If she doesn't settle down, we'll know that something is wrong and we'll go in and get her."
So we tiptoed into the hallway, and we listened. Everything occurred just as described.
I watched this mother sitting on a small ledge outside her children's room, listening to her baby crying on the other side of the door, and I saw a picture of courage and strength. I saw a mother who, despite having tons of work to do, would stop everything to make sure her child was okay. I saw a mother who would sit and listen to her child cry and know that it was best not to go get her. I saw a mother who understood exactly what her child needed.
I know exactly where He is. He's right outside my door, listening to every word, every cry. But He won't come in and get me until it's time.
And I wondered about the little girl in there crying. Was she thinking, "Where is mommy?"
And then I knew. When I'm unhappy looking at my life and I call out to the Almighty to rescue me, I don't need to wonder, "Where is God?" I know exactly where He is. He's right outside my door, listening. He hears every word, every cry. But He won't come in and get me until it's time for me to come out. Until then He'll be silent so I can stop crying and be content with where I am. Because that's exactly what I need.
SEARCHING FOR MY SOUL MATE
This awareness has enabled me to deal with one of the greatest challenges in my life right now: my search for my soul mate. It's been a few years already, and I've been searching high and low. Along with my daily prayers, I have traveled the world, contacted tons of matchmakers, met with lots of people who may know my guy, and even tried online dating.
My experiences have brought me wisdom, adventures to tell my grandkids, and a slew of great jokes for my comedy routines. But no soul mate yet.
My friends sometimes ask me, "Ayelet, why are you never upset or depressed? Don't you ever get angry with God because of what you're going through?"
And the truth is I feel peace in my heart. I have the utmost of confidence knowing that it will happen at the right time.
I really do want to be married and start a family. But I also want it to be at the right time, in the right place, and with the right person.
So I continue to search for my soul mate, and continue to pray. I know that if I haven't found him yet, then it is not the right time. And where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.
When my soul mate and I are both ready, I know that God will be there, outside the door listening. And He'll come in and get us.