My Trauma of Divorce

I was divorced after 7 years, and for a very good reason. When I didn't want to share the reason with everyone, no one could understand... however in the case of this article I wish we knew more about why the divorce happened. In this forum the reason would have probably made the story more understandable, and the reader more sympathetic. PS - my life is so much better now! I have an amazing husband and daughter!

Some readers seem surprised and even critical that the author "gave up" after only 3 months. I don't know her personally but obviously there were some very serious issues that could not be corrected here (mental illness? personal problems?) Others were surprised that she was crushed instead of being relieved. I'm sure she was relieved to escape a destructive relationship. However, all her dreams as a bride suddenly blew up in her face. As a woman, she gave her body and soul to a man who was not capable of being a husband. This is very devastating to say the least. I hope Leah, that you've built a new life for yourself. Your articles are beautifully done and you are one talented woman. G-d bless you!

someone,somewhere along the line convinced this poor woman that her "bad" marriage was her fault and by default her responsibility to "do the work" to fix herself etc, etc,etc. Nonsense. You get what you get when you get it. It was an experience, it didnt work out, end it, count your blessings and move on. It has been said "man plans, God laughs." Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Best of luck Leah

The day I left my marriage, I had such a feeling of relief and of freedom. I actually looked forward to the future. I never thought about mourning the marriage. It's like finally overcoming something that has robbed you of joy and peace and contentment. I celebrated my decision! What I am missing here is if these people (all the comments) are in a marriage that is bad enough to divorce or to dissolve, why do they feel so badly about leaving the marriage and the spouse? Leah said it was like having your heart and soul ripped out. Shouldn't they feel a burden has been lifted and that their life is being made better? Isn't that why they choose to leave? The poster sounds as tho' she liked being married but she never got to know her husband. The truth is that you can have a good man/woman and still have a bad marriage.

This writer is evidently a sensitive & thoughtful woman, which makes her decision to divorce after only 3 months all the more difficult to understand. I'm not suggesting that she should have stayed in a bad marriage, but I'm concerned that this may give other newlyweds the idea that if marital bliss doesn't immediately ensue when 2 people are coming to terms with a whole new life and family, that it means they should not have married. My husband and I had a rocky time for the first 3 years of our marriage. We will be celebrating our 27th anniversary later this year. I'm glad we stayed married and "grew up" together during those unhappy early years. To borrow from the secular wedding service, I plan to be with him "til death do us part."

The author is right when she says G-d did not do this to her, she did. Often times there are signs involved but the partner chooses to ignore them. Like I did. After 13 years of marriage and three children later, I have come to realize that divorce, for me, is the only option. My spouse is a compulsive gambler whose last binge was at atlantic city for over $75 thousand dollars that he has borrowed from credit cards and other people. He is compulsive, so when he does drink alcohol (weddings, etc) he gets really drunk, vomiting, etc. Yes, there were signs: I knew he made money but yet had nothing saved before we were married. I knew he "gambled" but I did not know he was compulsive about it. I knew...yet I loved him and did not want to believe. No, it was not G-d's fault, rather my own decision. Now, I'm paying for it...literally.

Did I miss something? The cause for the divorce? However, I applaud the quickie. It took me ten years to be aware that divorce was the only option. But then when there has been no argument in all that time and never knowing what the other person was thinking until the last minute.

Divorce is a loss. And loss requires mourning.

In order to even begin the healing process, it is first neccessary to admit that there was trauma involved. For 20 years after my divorce I pretended not only to the world, but to myself too that my life is fine & dandy & the marriage & divorce keft no affect on me. Due to certain circumstances that have arisen recently I have come to realise how badly scarred I am. The healing process is emotionally draining, yet is a wonderful growth experience tha tcan only be done when the person themselves is ready for it.

This line is getting a lot of attention. Without getting too personal with my own story, there is always work to do in life and relationships most of all require soul searching, compromise, boundaries and more. There is a lot of inner work that is necessary and it can then be reflected on the outside. That's not to say there are not complex situations, but there is work to be done, especially if you are in or coming out of an abusive situation. This is not about blame! This is about healing and repairing whether or not you want to marry again.

After many years as a pre-marital,and marital counselour,I honestly feel that Deana's take on marraige is innaccurate. The "vast majority" are in "horrible marraiges"!Heaven forbid! Perhaps dealing with bnei Torah has given me a false picture of what is going on out there-but I don't think so.Hashem has not put the majority of His nation into lives of misery.Jewish marraige IS beautiful,and IS successful,and it is denying Hashem's good to say otherwise. Sadly,not everyone is fortunate to have that happiness,but we cannot understand that any more than we understand why some people have money health or children,and others do not.

The young women hadn't been married very long and there were no children. After a great deal of intervention from many Rabbaim and others it was decided that the marriage was to be no more. I offered to accompany her to the Get. Time stood still in the Rav's house. I can't tell you how long we were there for. The head of the Beis Din walked back and forth between the soon to be ex couple checking to see if each was "okay" on this night. The Get had to rewritten once because of a mistake, the evening wore on. As much as the Almighty smiles and laughs by a chuppah He undoubtly sheds tears at a Get. I went home emotionally spent even though I was a mere witness to the dissolution of a marriage. Let us be sensitive to those who go through this heart wrentching process!

As a former divorcee (now in a good marriage of 17 years), I thought this article was self-righteous. As one of the other readers noted, a classic case of "blame the victim." I was not a bad listener, just young and inexperienced. Plus, people don''t come with labels letting us know what they''re really like inside. Sometimes the only way you find out is to live with them. Marriage is always taking a chance: perhaps you will grow together, but perhaps you won''t. Finding the right partner is a matter of getting to know yourself and what you want, and also learning (albeit sometimes the hard way) what makes a man a good husband. It''s hard to meet good people that you are compatible with. Life is difficult and sometimes things don''t work out as planned. It''s that simple.

Kol hakavod to Leah Kotkes for her courageous essay. But there is another nightmare to the Jewish divorce world: AGINUT. The Jewish world still needs to prevent aginut, the living death of mothers, children and everyone who loves them. I've helped such victims to become free of their terrorist husbands. It is a disgrace to the Jewish world that men can commit this crime.

I too can say that I chose to overlook some of the warnings --my exhusband made several comments that only in retrospect I understand reflected his view on life--views I could not live with. I do not like to think I was a 'bad' listener, only a confused, unhappy young girl from a disfunctional home with little help in leaning how to interpret messages.

by my former husband. The word "fragile" does not even begin to describe my son and me. However, we did make a new and better life. I remain sad that somebody would deliberately hurt and belittle us and have never remarried. My child remains my priority. That somebody would be cruel to be cruel is an abomination.

To anonymous, I felt so sad for you and your son reading about your experience. I very much hope that the 2 of you will be able to heal from such horror. I really do wish you both the very best. I believe that "Karma" will most definitely catch up with that individual - if not in this lifetime, then the next. Good luck, Miriam

May Hashem bless you and your family. You are such a brave woman and thank G-d you are now re-married with children. I am so fortunate as I am happily married and have been for over 30 years but I know there are a lot of women who are unhappy and worse. If one of these women is helped by your words that would be amazing.

This was a beautifully written, touching article except for one line which I would like the author to explain. She says, "Many women are unwilling to do the work necessary to merit marrying a true soul mate." This struck me as a slap in the face to all divorcees, a "blame the victim" insult which is so out of tune with the rest of the article. No normal woman wants to be a lonely outcast! Most struggle heroically with every kind of abuse imaginable, strugling to overlook and forgive until they cannot go on. I have a guidebook, called FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR, for people in abusive situations which I will be happen to send upon request. Write emett@netvision.net.il. And please, dear author, I'd like to know what "work" I did not do to merit the love I craved so desperately.

It is amazing how your article came at a time of my own suffering. I am grateful to read of your overcoming a bad situation. I also appreciate the comments of the other letter writers. During my sorrow, they help me to feel less alone. Thank you. I hope all who wish it will be be blessed with good and happy marriages, and all good things.

Leah Kotkes has for several years organized Orthodox women writers into a community, by way of her large annual seminars in Jerusalem and with her annual Writer's Journal. Now, with this personal exploration of a difficult subject, she's opening another window. Kol ha kavod.

Simplicity, deep inside, reality and wisdom. Love your message.

Your description of divorce is so real and healing! You were brave and intelligent to leave in the early years and begin a new life wife a wonderful husband and a family!! Good for you!! I too saw all the warnings before and ignored them!!! I stayed for 30 years for fear of being alone!!!! Channah

thank you so much for your article, i too went through a divorce. and yes divorce is a death. a most difficult death, but thanks for reminding me that it was not GOD'S fault it was me that was a bad listerner. now the healing has been very long and difficult for me. i beg everyone to be a good lister to GOD before marring, thanks again

I had a long marriage, not a good one. The process of getting my divorce left me in a place I do not want to be.I do not want to be a GRUSHA. But from here I just may reach the place I always wanted to be in. In the marriage I had, there was no chance of that. I have learned too much in this process. I have discovered that my day in court was bereft of meaning,though whatever happens is meant to allow us to serve Hashem better. I know this, yet I still wonder why it had to be done like this and why it could not be otherwise and all the while I am realizing some questions remain unanswered and that may be a good thing, after all. My advide to anyone embarking on a divorce, stay away from courts...No amount of money you gain is worth it...and that is what can be gained, nothing else. They take your kishkes out and chew them up and spit them back out, all the while peering into your private life and violating it with their endless need to bill you.Stay away. Perhaps that warning will be what I can offer you.It is true. I hope many will heed it.

it is not clear to me if a marriage fails and a new one succeeds if it's as simple as one was the true soul mate and the other not. on what is that based? I'd think it possible that they were both soul mates and one marriage failed to achieve its potential. It seems to me either God is there or he isn't. I know it's easier to believe God was not at Auschwitz than he was and he is still our loving father but it seems to me the truth is often not easy to accept. A wise Rebbetzin once wrote that the divorce courts are full of "soul mates"I'd guess that with few exceptions most marriages can work if real effort is made by both parties involved. If one won't make the effort divorce is often the best option but that does not make it that the people involved were not soul mates. i applaud the author on many levels. i can't see it as simply as she. misusing her free will to get into a bad marriage and God getting her out but maybe it is that simple. in any case she seems to be a serious woman of valor and i wish her much growth and joy

Sometimes a divorce should not be felt as a personal failure. People often get together thinking they are meant for each other and they do not truly know each other. Sadness, disillusionment with the other, and upset are parts of life. Not everyone needs to feel self blame in divorcing. There are cruel husbands and inconsiderate husbands, and people who have "issues" that are not clear when they meet another, but which emerge and are acted out later, sometimes in unconscious ways. I am not sure you need to be "cleansed" but rather, spend time identifying what you need in another person, getting over the hurt. We are all of us moving through life and being taught lessons, and sometimes the lesson is not ours to learn, it's the "other". Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself. You are on a journey called life, and it has its ups and its downs, and clearly, you are blessed with many friends to help and support you along the way!

Your words were so soul stirring and spoke to my heart.When I got divorced,I felt that my life had ended...and a part of it truly had. But,good came out of that pain because I found a new person after the shock wore off....I found me!!

Beautiful!!!!!! what a wonderful article, I couldnt stop crying. My husband left me just two weeks after my mother died, reading this story helpped me understand and gives me hope to continue. G-D BLESS YOU

Leah - wow - you put into words what i have seen friends go through. Thank you so much for your openness and willingness to share this traumatic event. You put into words what so many others are thinking and just can't say. May Hashem bless you with much happiness and peace

I was deeply moved by this article. It describes briefly but precisely what a divorce is like. Mine was after a few years of being together and sharing a life full of hardships. Although more years have passed since the divorce than the years of the marriage, I still feel traumatized, lonely at times, and broken in some way. I have done a lot of work but I often did not know where to go. I needed a map no one could provide. However, everyone who goes through this should remember that it is always better to be lost and free than to be on a path of misery with the wrong person. I know I will find my way back to Hashem and so will everyone who is as fortunate as me to be set free.

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences but why write things like "Many people don't want to do the work they have to do to merit marrying their true soul mate." Excuse me? The vast majority of married people aren't married to their "true" soul mates. They are in horrible, difficult or just-good-enough marriages and they too need to do the work it takes to merit their true soul mate one day (or in the world to come). It's written things like this that are detrimental to divorced people, making them look as though they just "haven't done the work" if they are not remarried. Silly. Some of us also prefer to stay single after long, often abusive marriages, and serve G-d in other ways. This pop psychology of "it takes two to tango" is just plain wrong. Marriage isn't tango. A person can chose to be abusive and it is his or her responsibility. A spouse may have been long suffering enough and did what they could to no avail (that we can see in this world). True soul mates are very, very rare in this life. Every one of us, in all walks of life and for our entire lives have work to do in this world. Writing things like "when you have done your job, I will do mine -- I will fill your new vessel with so much blessing it will overflow into all areas of your life." is simplistic and negative. Who says that when someone is righteous or on the right path that only blessings will fall from the trees for them? Those with illness, accidetns, disabilities, etc. somehow aren't deservng of these blessings? Nonsense. Hashem always blesses everyone with overflowing blessings... even those who struggle. Hashem tests and challenges all of us, all the time and it's ALL for the good, always. I'm sorry to read of your pain and divorce but other divorced people don't need anymore simplistic, detrimental stereotypes about us.

when i read the article the same thoughts were going through my mind. how dare she say i "didn't want to do the work?" arrogant much?