Free Criticism!

VISITORS COMMENTS: 16

(16) paula wagner, 15/12/2007
I'm not sure about this:
Lori,
I'm not real sure about this. Ever criticize someone? I have. Looking at it truthfully, I'm not sure I did it for the right reason. There are several reasons I criticize. One- is that what ever someone is doing irritates the hell out of me, the other-is I think I know better than they do, and the worst is that I put my self in the position of "knowing" what is right for them...i.e. "Hashem's business." Granted, there are some things that are necessary, like if someone is obese, we might say, it would be better for your health if you would lose weight, but in all honesty, I'm not real sure if we criticize rightly and for the right reasons...most of the time. As one who has been criticzed from time to time, it ususally impressed me in this way: "You haven't walked in my shoes...hold your tongue." In truth, the only one I ever really listened to was my mother. You see, she loved me, God rest her soul, and more importantly, she knew me. She, above all people in the world, uniquivocally, had my best interest at heart. Maybe that's the key of accepting criticizem, for me anyway. It's the one who says it...Do they really care about me? Do they know me? Do they actually take the time to understand my motivations? This is one of those things that make you go hmmmm.

(15) Herb Friedberg, 26/10/2007
Terrific
I think Lori is one of the most energetic & comes across great presenters I have ever seen. She hits at the heart of most matters without insulting anybody. She is lovely yo listen to. I always feel good when I hear her & always go away learning something I already knew but ignored & needed reminding. Is she available for speaking engagements or Shabbatons?

(14) Catherine Manna, 25/10/2007
Words of Wisdom!
Once, twice, then three times?
Must be "Messages from God."
if we can impove ourselves to, "become better",{God-like} then its all good. even if its not so nice going through some of the things that we have to go through, at that time its worth a hearing of it. like you quoted from the Talmud book, if 3 people call you a donkey, time to buy a sadle. or its time to seriously pay attention to what God is trying to say to you and, make a change for the good! anyone can do it. Our Faith moves us, and God............. makes us because he loves us!!!
and I Love you Lori!
thank you!

(13) Anonymous, 25/10/2007
To Gary
No Gary, it's not worse. It's infinitely better. Gossip is forbidden because of the tremendous damage it precipitates- emotional, economical, social, and more. No one has the right to talk to about you to others. The damage can be infinite, and stretch on for years, unbeknownst to you.

Gossip is conceptually forbidden, in all of it's forms (except in rare cases that will prevent serious damage to the listener- but that would not be classified as "gossip").

Critisism (or Mussar) is not conceptually forbidden- but it does have very strict guidelines. Conceptually, it's a good thing.

Pointing out someone's flaws lovingly and with compliments, to a person that one KNOWS will accept the constructive critisism in the loving spirit in which it was given, is actually a Mitzvah. Those who don't know how to give critisism (probably most of us) are not allowed to do it, because they will violate another prohibition- Ona'as Devarim- hurting another with words. But the concept of critisism itself is not prohibited- can you see that?

Now, what happens if someone critisizes you in an inappropriate, forbidden manner (as I would classify most critisisms, unfortunately)? Here is where Lori comes in:

Notice that she is not condoning the critisizer, nor is she lauding their actions. She heaps no compliments on them. She speaks only to the ONE CRITISIZED. And says, if you are critisized, take the value out of it. There is NO taking any value from gossip- it is sneakily said behind the target's back, and the target has no way of defending themself. One can destroy a person with gossip.

Critisism which is said in private can be very hurtful, uncalled for, and rudely worded. But it we shift our focus from the rude, even angry speaker, and focus on our own growth, we can take some good out of it. Now, critisism spoken in public, or in front of another, is an entirely different concept, called embarrassing another. That is not critisism, but public humiliation, a horrific sin. Lori did not refer to public humiliation.

Of course, continual, unremitting uncalled for critisism can segue into emotional abuse, and those situations would call for a different response- self protection. But most critisism is not abuse (your mother in law doesn't live with you, or work in your workplace, hopefully), but rather annoying, hurtful, demeaning, rude, and emotionally shattering. Lori is telling you: For normal, occasional critisism, don't focus on the rudeness of the speaker, focus on the possible truth in the message, so you can grow. She also didn't say you should tell your critisizer, "Thank you so much for telling it to me the way it is. Your words are a balm to my soul:)").

If we are emotionally healthy, we can cope with "gossip to our face" in a manner that elevates US, even as the speaker may be demeaning him/herself by their words. Who is wise? He who learns from every person. Even the rude busybody, whose unsolicited advice is usually inexcusable.

(12) Daniela, 25/10/2007
I just want to say
I agree 100% with Gary. It might be nice, definitely idealistic, to think of every nosy-body's criticism as helpful just for the sake of your own "sanity" but it's true, when the intentions are not sincere, it amounts to gossip to one's face. It's Lashon Hara, pure and simple and the person given the unsolicited, constant, unwelcome and invading criticism needs to be told so.

(11) Yisroel Pollack, 24/10/2007
How to Cope with Critical Reflexiveness
Mrs. Palatnik,

It's true. Sometimes I might indulge in self-criticism. Then the person I'm talking to might say, "Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't put yourself down like that," or something to that effect. And I think to myself (not wanting this other person to know), "if only you knew..." If he knew the truth about me, he wouldn't be criticizing me for being critical of myself. But in truth, and in line with the tenor of the theme you've developed here, I should accept this person's criticism and quit being so self-critical. But my own self-criticalness gets in the way. I'm glad I listened to this message.

YP

(10) Gary, 24/10/2007
Unsolicited criticism is as hurtful as truthful gossip.
Think about it. We shouldn't change our current perception of truthful gossip, should we? Why not, after all, isn't there sometimes bona fide value in truthful gossip? Hillel was right when he said you don't tell the bridegroom his bride isn't so pretty for the sake of "truth." After all, the critic is not looking at her through the groom's eyes and he should be. And the critical mother-in-law or any other critical busy body is in exactly the same position as an unsolicited critic. Except in the case of the unsolicited critic it's much worse because his criticism isn't gossip behind your back it's essentially gossip to your face. And that's even worse. Much worse.

(9) Anonymous, 23/10/2007
To Gary
Your feelings are EXACTLY what Lori is talking about.

Her presentation was intended to CHANGE our current perception of unasked-for critisism, as portrayed precisely by your well articulated comment.

"No, unsolicited criticism from your mother-in-law, even if she's right, is meddling and destructive."

It is meddling and destructive because we let it be so. Lori is teaching us to change our perspective on these annoying critisism "events", and make them constructive, rather than destructive. It doesn't mean your mother-in-law is right for meddling- it means you have grown past your knee-jerk reaction (which is SO normal) and risen above, to take the good out of the encounter and grow.

"The reason you'll pay for criticism is that you've given the critic your permission ahead of time and you value her opinion."

Lori is teaching us that even unpaid and unasked for critisism may have value, and we are to look for that value, just as we value paid-for critisism. Of course you've given the paid-for critic permission ahead of time and value her advice- Lori is asking us to reach beyond our natural emotions and value critisism even if permission is not granted ahead of time and purposefully valued. Perhaps we can learn to find value in unasked-for critisism, even if the messenger is wrong for volunteering it.

"And it does matter how someone criticizes. The messenger and how the message is delivered is just as important as the message. To think otherwise is naive."

And this is the main point.

How critisism is given should be a priority for the critisism giver. They should think ten times (or more) before offering unasked for critisism. We are learning here that as RECIPIENTS of this unwelcome interference, we can rise about our very human feelings of anger and resentment and try to see the inherent value of the message, despite the less than appealing wrapper. To make our head rule over our heart. Naturally, the critisism giver should use his/her heart versus head in the giving. But if that didn't happen, it doesn't mean we can reach further, enhance our own dignity, and take the message to heart, in the event that the critisism itself is correct.

(8) Anonymous, 23/10/2007
Paying for it
I agree with Gary. If you are paying for the "criticism," you have given that person permission to give it. And the trust we have in a friend also imbues them with the right to offer us their thoughts.

No distintion has been made between constructive and destructive criticism. Some people get incredible pleasure out of criticizing others because it makes them feel superior. But try to give them criticism about that!!!

I have spent too much of my life being given unsolicited criticism to the point where I had to go into therapy. Yes, I paid for "criticism," and guess what? I was able to undo all that wonderful "criticism" I got from others and am now living as a healthier person.

Sorry, Lori, but if you can take a little criticism, you're wrong on this one.

(7) Barry Rosen, 23/10/2007
It depends on the speaker
I think some people do nothing but crticize everyone and everything. These people one should not take too seriously.

(6) Lee Ann, 23/10/2007
Love Listening to Lori's messages!
I am an Irish Catholic & I don't know much about the Jewish religion but I am learning a lot about life from Lori. I really enjoy this web-site & what she has to say. Thank you.

(5) Anonymous, 22/10/2007

I enjoy this speaker very much. I would like her to speak in our school. How I can I reach Lori? thank you
Mrs. kessler

(4) Gary, 22/10/2007
Only criticism that's invited is welcome; otherwise mind your own business.
No, unsolicited criticism from your mother-in-law, even if she's right, is meddling and destructive. The reason you'll pay for criticism is that you've given the critic your permission ahead of time and you value her opinion. The reason you'll take criticism from your best friend is that she won't abuse that special status that she has earned. If she did, she wouldn't be your best friend. And it does matter how someone criticizes. The messenger and how the message is delivered is just as important as the message. To think otherwise is naive. But then, who am I to criticize?

(3) ivette, 21/10/2007
I liked this one very much, thanks, its helpfull
Lately a closed friend told me her observations, they were very harsh, it was painfull, in the other hand She took the time, and courage . Ifelt hurt ,she didnt have sensitivity, still she was right !!.

(2) Daniela, 21/10/2007
This is all assuming the intentions are honerable
If it's to get your goat or control you, none of this fits. The trick is to grow to know the difference.

(1) Rosen, 21/10/2007
change vs. improvement
It is better to improve from criticism than to change (which may fundamentally alter one's self), since G-d loves us for who we are.