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Someone snubbed me last week. She looked at me from across the room and didn't so much as wave her hand or smile. Not only that, but I sat and played with her daughter for half an hour, and the mother didn't even have the decency to thank me. To add insult to injury, I do this woman a favor, gratis, on a regular basis, and she couldn't even take two seconds to acknowledge my presence?! The nerve! I felt taken, imposed upon, vindictive, and most of all, angry! In fact, my emotional state was so severe that I telephoned two friends to complain, stewed inwardly for hours, and discussed it with my husband. It took all my willpower not to disclose the woman's identity.
A week later, I had occasion to visit this woman's house. By the time of our meeting, I had let go of my resentment toward her and was able to be polite and friendly. Now was the perfect time to "work out the conflict," in an unemotional, after-the-fact sort of way. So as nonchalantly as I could, I asked: "Did you see me at the library last week?" Her face was blank. "No," she said. "Which day was that?" I began to feel annoyed. I had prepared myself for an apology, an excuse, or an explanation, but feigning ignorance was really outrageous. "You were looking right at me," I explained as patiently as possible. "I read to your daughter for about half-an-hour." Said daughter, observing the exchange, nodded vigorously, confirming my words. "Hmmmm," said my friend, gazing into the distance. She seemed confused. "That might have been the day I was supposed to meet someone at the library. I was scanning the whole place, searching for this particular person. I remember being very distracted. In fact, I let my daughter roam around, figuring that she could take care of herself and read some books. I don't remember seeing you at all." I felt like one of those inflatable beach balls that has sprung a sudden, enormous leak. It was unthinkable! Here I had spent a good few hours of emotional and mental energy stewing over this woman's rudeness, and it had been a complete misunderstanding! Far from trying to snub me, my friend had simply not seen me. And to think that that possibility never even crossed my mind! Mealtime Reading Now here's where the orange juice comes in. A short while ago we began to buy a certain brand of orange juice, processed and packed by a Jewish company. As an avid reader, I have this nasty little habit of reading while I eat. It doesn't matter what it is: If it's in front of me at mealtime, I'll read it. Everything's fair game - a magazine, a Cheerios box... or an orange juice carton!
As I scanned this particular carton, I critiqued the ad copy on one side, perused the nutritional information on the other side, and then nearly choked on my food when I reached the third side. Instead of a fluffy little blurb about how orange juice may reduce your cholesterol, the container had a passage entitled: "The Road to Tranquility." It proceeded with a quote made available from the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation (chofetzchaimusa.org), an organization dedicated to raising the quality of interpersonal relationships. Here is a partial quote from the orange juice container: People do not always speak or act as we would wish. As a result, we sometimes feel impelled to embark upon a rough road of anger or disappointment. The high road. That's just it! The dreary road of anger, resentment, and revenge is a well-trodden, dusty one. It's the road people travel most because it's the easiest route. It takes a millisecond for my mind to shift into "insulted mode," and a snub is automatically accompanied by a physiological reaction that gets my adrenalin flowing and my heart pounding faster. But our Sages tell us there is a way to escape the bondage of anger and aggravation. Simply by reprogramming myself, I can free my mind, heart, and spirit from the physical and emotional dangers of stewing and judging. I can take a deep breath and say:
Drinking Poison Well, the message was certainly clear. After two minutes in front of that OJ carton, I felt elated, wonderful, and ready to go test-drive the "high road." Then suddenly an insidious thought punctured my spirits: But what if it's not true? What if that cashier was mean to me on purpose? What if it wasn't an accident that the neighbor sprayed me with his hose this morning? What if I know that that particular woman is catty and makes insensitive comments all the time? In short, why should I judge someone favorably if I'm certain that their actions are dishonorable?! Beneath my question lies the answer, and when I practice a little humility and patience, it comes to me. The truth is that when I judge favorably, the real benefactor is me. I save myself from the headache and heartache of anger and resentment. I avoid the pitfalls of revenge, harboring hatred, and speaking gossip (all of which are forbidden by the Torah). In short, I stand to lose the most when I do not judge favorably. Like a friend explained: "When we get upset at somebody, it's as though we drink a vial of poison -- and then expect the person we're upset at to drop dead." I, for one, am sick and tired of all the poison. I'd rather drink orange juice instead.
Published: Sunday, May 23, 2004
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best if intentions
I completely agree with the article, however, it is very hard to programme the mind to think this way...I believe if everyone could embrace this form of thinking, we'd definitely be better off. It's very easy to get wrapped up in negative comments and not so easy to walk away. I love the ability of the author to assume the actions of the guilty party as accidental, I just wish there was an easy way to adapt my thoughts the same.
(2) Michal 4/1/2008 3:06:00 PM
What if you are Judged
My sisters tend to judge me for my past no matter what I do now. I can't help but worry for them because they don't have compassion or tolerance which makes life hard. I can't be around their hatred of me because it brings me down. They are always in my prayers, but Jewish law also states that you have to protect your own life and being around them just about makes me want to die. Not that I disagree with this article, but there is something to be said about praying for someone from a distance, as well as venting. In the article the person needed an answer as to why this person was doing what she did. Sometimes you need to tell someone what they are doing before you can get that answer. And sometimes telling the truth to someone about what they did can be hurtful to them.
(3) Desiree 3/31/2008 3:38:00 AM
Thank you so much. Just what I needed to hear today.The world would be a much better place if everyone remembered to practise what G-d taught us for our own benefit.