Showing Favoritism to Children

For a parent to be fair and give each child equal treatment has never been an easy task. But a good friend of mine living in Jerusalem had an unusual experience that he says made it particularly hard to see all his children in the same light. His wife had given birth to a new baby boy, and the family was celebrating the "Shalom Zachor," a gathering of friends held the Friday night before a baby's Bris.

Suddenly, an old, wizened Sephardic mystic came unexpectedly into the celebration. He quieted the room and announced that the newborn would grow up to be a great Torah scholar. Then, as abruptly as he had entered, the old Kabbalist left, leaving the guests in a state of bewilderment.

Remarkably, some years have passed since that occurrence and the child has, in fact, shown signs of genius. My friend says that the old rabbi's words clearly had their effect, and he wonders whether this child, more than any of his other children, is bound for a life of exceptional greatness.

This story is similar to one in this week's Torah portion, Vayeshev. The Midrash says that from the moment of Joseph's birth, it was clear to his father Jacob that Joseph was very special. To begin with, his facial appearance was remarkably similar to his father. Moreover, Joseph possessed a great deal of "chein" - spiritual charm. Joseph was also the first child born, after many years of waiting, to Jacob's beloved wife Rachel. In short, various realities were conspiring to make Joseph the "special son."

Later, in his teenage years, Joseph has a dream in which the sun, moon, and stars are all bowing down to him. He and the rest of his family correctly surmise that the meaning of the dream is that his father, stepmother, and brothers will all eventually prostrate themselves before him. While Jacob publicly chides Joseph for his dream, the Bible says that Jacob "guarded the matter." Rashi explains this to mean that in his innermost heart, Jacob actually expected the dream to come true.

Given all these factors, it is not surprising that Jacob showed favoritism toward Joseph. Of course, the Bible tells of Jacob giving Joseph a small multi-colored armband. (The Hebrew word kutonet, which has often been translated as a "coat," can just as correctly be understood to mean "armband.") This show of favoritism was just one example; there were undoubtedly other factors which caused the rest of the brothers to feel that Jacob loved Joseph most.

While one can perhaps understand Jacob's behavior, the Talmud roundly condemns his actions, ascribing Jacob's favoritism as the direct cause of the brothers' hatred for Joseph. This hatred in turn led them to sell Joseph as a slave down to Egypt.

Interestingly, it was Joseph's prominence there that ultimately caused the whole family to relocate in the Kingdom of the Nile. Thus, the Sages observe, if Jacob had treated all his children equally, it is entirely possible that the Jews never would have gone down to Egypt in the first place - and the whole period of slavery in Egypt might have been avoided.In a famous pithy phrase, the Sages say: "A small armband caused our people to be enslaved in Egypt."

While we can understand Jacob's plight, the reality is that Judaism demands that we treat all children equally. This is not just because it is good practical advice, but rather because the Torah teaches that everyone has their own unique role to play in this world. Greatness is not determined by what gifts and talents we have, but rather by what we do with those gifts.

Thus, in God's eyes, the average person who has applied his limited skills to the utmost, is greater than the "success" who has coasted with his God-given skills. With such an outlook, there is no place for showing favoritism to one child just because he may have more innate talent than another.

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VISITORS COMMENTS: 6

(6) Joe, 14/12/2007
Favoritism is guaranteed to destroy your family & make it poorer
Here's a warning to families that are thinking of practicing excessive favoritism. Don't do it. It'll destroy your family. In a nutshell, it makes families financially poorer, destroys their heart and soul & the belief of the children in their parents. I know, because I've seen it firsthand in my own. My parents favored my older brother over the 3 of his siblings. He got most of the financially help, raided the family trust and is today destitute. All that money was wasted on him for naught. Instead of helping everyone out equally my parents gave him the lion's share which was a poor decision, because had they spread that help equally, the family today would be much wealthier and spiritually stronger. But they didn't, and now we're all the poorer for it, including the grandkids.

(5) Cooki Maisel, 27/11/2007
Treat children individually, not equally
I have to disagree with the comment that "Judaism demands that we treat all children equally". Judaism specifically states "Chanoch lana'ar al pi darco," as every child is an individual and requires being educated and treated as an individual in order to develop his own sense of self, according to the way that is most suited to him. Therefore each child requires individual love and attention from his parents in order to grow and develop in a well-adjusted fashion, thereby being able to fulfill the unique role that Hakadosh Boruch Hu has in mind for him, but as no two chidren are equal, they cannot be treated equally either.

(4) Scott Granowski, 23/12/2005
Favoritism
Rabbi Appel writes an insightful column on the topic of favoritism. While all agree that it is wrong, he addresses the inclination of favoritism by seeming to state that greatness is not clearly evident - "success" must be defined against potential, not by results.

(3) Anonymous, 28/11/2002

thank-you for your words; this helps me as a grandparent, indeed, in many areas of my life-including as a caregiver of 3 cats!!! i do NOT want to show favoritism to one child/person/even kats! over another. thank-you.