Yitro(Exodus 18-20)

Why is Adultery So Bad?

Some years ago a rabbinic colleague of mine in Chicago was giving a class on the Ten Commandments to a secular audience. Not one given to apologetics, he staunchly defended the death penalty the Bible prescribes for adultery. The rabbi argued that society as a whole, even today, would be a much better place if adultery was a capital crime.

Everyone in the class vociferously disagreed, saying that the Biblical punishment was too harsh. Except for one young man who sat there silently. This fellow had suffered through horrible teen years in large part because his father had been involved in an adulterous relationship. When he spoke up, all he said was "I see nothing wrong with the Torah's penalty." His words brought the rest of the class - who knew of his background - to immediate silence.

* * *

This week's Torah portion, Yitro, tells of the giving of the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. Why did God single out these ten? In analyzing the Decalogue, many commentaries note how the Ten Commandments focus primarily on relationships: between God and man, between man and man, between children and parents. Central, to any successful relationship is fidelity, loyalty. Without that, any relationship is bound to flounder.

Let's examine some classical commentaries on the commandment prohibiting adultery.

Nachmanides (13th century Spain) describes our relationships as a "ladder of love." He says that a person must first love himself before he can successfully love his spouse. Then, if he has formed a solid relationship with his spouse, this will help develop his relationship with the Almighty.

The converse, however, can also be true. A man who is disloyal to his spouse will most likely be disloyal to his God as well.

The Midrash Mechilta says this idea is alluded to by the placement of different commandments on the two tablets. The seventh commandment, the prohibition against adultery, appears opposite the second commandment, "Do not have other gods before me." Suggests the Mechilta, this positioning is not accidental. It is to hint to us that one who is disloyal to one's spouse will eventually be disloyal to God.

* * *

Another Midrash observes that the Hebrew word for adultery, "tinaf," can be split into two words, "ten af," which translates as "giving anger." The Midrash explains that adultery is an action particularly abhorrent to the Almighty - which particularly invokes His anger. The hallmark of the Jewish People has historically been the stability of family life. One who commits adultery violates and ignores this hallowed tradition.

Rabbi Avraham Ibn Ezra (12th century), says that adultery also violates the commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself." Adultery is a grievous sin against one's neighbor - treating the neighbor in a way that one would not want oneself to be treated.

Maimonides explains adultery in powerful, eternal terms. He says that the entire purpose of creation is to establish "Shalom Bayit" - harmony between husband and wife. The adulterer destroys that harmony and, in the process, undermines the very purpose of creation.

Published: January 11, 2000

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Visitor Comments: 22

(21) Carol Romine, February 6, 2013 7:32 PM

The Ten Commandments

It would be great if we all followed The Ten Commandments! Teach it to our children!

(20) Brian, February 1, 2013 3:21 PM

Conversely it’s true also

SO glad I clicked on this! You could say that the inverse is also true, a person who is obviously disloyal to God, male or female, would also be disloyal to their mate. This is an alarm before marriage, not to be ignored. If you sense that your intended is doing things disloyal to God, things that don’t work, on purpose but maybe unconsciously, that person has issues, possibly undiscovered by them, that prevent their full participation in marriage and life. THIS SHOULD BE PART OF ALL PRE MARRIAGE COUNSELING! Wonderful.

(19) Michal, February 1, 2013 1:41 PM

I agree with everything you say...

... but what is strongest in my mind? Shalom Bait. That is most important. How can there be Shalom of any kind, if one does not love her/his spouse really love. More than oneself!.

(18) Davita, February 11, 2012 4:56 PM

love

Adultery can be broken down into disloyalty to your spouse. When you love yourself you are able to love more freely. Relationships are challenging. The challenge is being loving, understanding and compassionate even when we are angry. I feel that g-d loves us freely and accepts us, we are some times unable to love freely and give acceptance. The goal is to be more like Him.

(17) Shaaila, February 11, 2012 3:10 AM

just had to say. Love it!

Just had to say, Love it!

(16) Jane, January 19, 2011 2:14 AM

Refreshing,,,,strange as that may sound

I have been criticized for my sense of morality and responsibility. I have been surrounded by people who have thought that anything was OK as long as there was discretion....including my ex-husband. A friend just this weekend was talking about Dr. Zhavago, a film I detested, and found tortorous to endure. I felt the man was a week and despicable man. How could people, especially women find him to be a romantic character. He was the epitome of the cheating husband to my youthful mind, and I still feel the same way. In our current era there just doesn't seem to be a general feeling and admiration of honor, morality, fidelity. It has had an impact on my life, and my children's life, on my parents' lives. It should be considered as serious as the other commandments. Very few people are put to death for murder, and so too, would be the case for Adultery. But, if there was the belief in the seriousness of the offense, the frequency would be much less. Why do people not see the beauty of a safe marriage and family? Thank you Rabbi Appel for the article!

(15) Anonymous, February 6, 2010 10:51 PM

Connection to DV?

As a victim of domestic violence for many years, I could not help but note the similarities between adultery and physical, verbal/emotional, and financial abuse. Does the Torah mandate the death penalty for repeated domestic violence?

(14) frank, February 5, 2010 7:36 PM

this hits home

this is a area in my life that hits home, i was unfaithfull , i hurt my wife real bad, i thank hashem she did not leave me, when i hear this topic it brings all the pain i did, serval times emotional, but i didnot follow through, but my heart hurts real bad, it took along time in my life that hashem forgave me, but its something that will never leave me, all i want in my life is to live for hasem not me any more. my remarks, search your heart get that cleansing we all need,

Anonymous, February 1, 2013 5:17 PM

been there

I've also been an adulteress. It is horrible to relive. I think what people don't understand, though is how low one's opinion is of ones self to do such a thing. People in such situations are in pain. That does not make it right. I've even struggled as to whether I should be allowed to live, as according to the Torah, I should have taken my life. But I am here and devoted to teshuvah.

(13) , February 4, 2010 4:53 PM

God says what he means and he means what he says

The laws are stated in God's own words.He created the Universe.I know he knows what he's doing even if we don't understand everything.Adultery is a capital punishment if that is what God says.It is a form of murder in itself.It kills the feelings and the spirit of the spouse and the children.It kills the promise the spose gave to love and honor their mate.

(12) Anonymous, February 3, 2010 9:07 PM

Is there teshuvah from adultery?

The one thing about capital punishment is that it removes all possibility (and therefore necessity) of teshuvah. Since we no longer execute adulterers, it seems the need for teshuvah returns, but what would it be? And, since, at least in practice, we don't often execute murderers, the same question pertains to murder.

(11) Graeme, July 22, 2009 2:35 PM

Thank you.

I'm not Jewish, but this article may have saved further family uniy disfunction in my life. I will research this further though as I think you have just scraped the surface.

(10) Noachide, February 12, 2009 5:23 PM

Good stuff.

This article makes much sense to me. The rabbi is very learned and full of wisdom.

(9) Mary, February 9, 2009 5:18 PM

Adultery creates a circle of pain

Adulterers do much more damage than destroying their marriage. Adultery betrays the promises made to children, it involves co-workers and friends in the deceit. If a child of any age cannot trust his parent, who should he trust? Sometimes extended family takes sides and the family is destroyed with Grandparents no longer speaking to their Grandchild. All due to selfishness, putting one's wants above the needs of others.

(8) Anonymous, November 27, 2007 11:06 AM

Adultary and Death Penalty reinterpeted?

It does strike me that yes adultery is a sin doing the most harm to the innocent ones you are supposed to love. In essence though it is not a capital crime. On the other hand executing a punishment of this nature is a crime in itself. How can you take away a being, a someone who is created in his image. Capital punishment therefor is, like everything else, something between the adulterers and their creator. Compromising his law on family relation to the extent of adultery and he will no longer recognize you. This 'death' seems more logical since the building block of society is the family and by not recognizing this premise there is nothing to go forward on. Family is a fundamental given premise of human society and its development.

(7) Anonymous, May 6, 2007 7:49 PM

Commandments are there to help.

If one looks at the Ten Commandments with a different perspective, it can be seen that firstly, no penalties are prescribed (man does that) and secondly these commandments are there to help. Think of them as 10 Advices (no disrespect) Follow them - they are not hard are they? Don't be envious - why? Because it makes you sick. Don't covet - it makes you sick. And so on. This would need to be covered in a huge book, but once you look at the 10 in this light you see perhaps a more loving G_d. And the penalties will be there of course. As Robert Burns put it referring to not taking His Name - "An atheist's laugh's a poor reward for Deity offended."

(6) David A. Goldstein, Ph.D., February 13, 2006 12:00 AM

The brilliance of our people continues to elate me. I am always pleased with our intelligence, thoughtfulness and sensitivity, towards G-d and towards each other.
This was a good commentary on this weeks parsha of Yitro.

(5) Lara Silbert, January 6, 2006 12:00 AM

The Death Penalty Seems So Harsh...

I'm not sure how Rabbi Appel feels about his colleague's attitude to the death penalty, and it may just be an anecdote, but personally I'm very active within the anti-death penalty movement and I would be reluctant to see even a murderer receive the death penalty. While "an eye for an eye" was very much applicable up until very recently in many circumstances, I don't believe it is our right to kill another person, and while adultery is undoubtably one of the lowest crimes one can commit - to one's own most loved, in the sacred covenant that is marriage, nonetheless - it depresses me whenever I hear pro-death penalty statements, and the idea of taking someone's precious life for adultery seems wrong to me.

(4) Annette, January 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Adultery / Idolatry

The Rabbi stated that, "A man who is disloyal to his spouse will most likely be disloyal to his God as well." I contend that a man who is disloyal to his spouse has already been disloyal to his God. Even as the children of Israel spoke harshly to Moshe and Aharon, they were rebuked as if they had directed the act toward God. If marriage is the way that society may see the intimate relationship God desires with His people, then for a man or woman to commit adultry would be equal to committing spiritual idolatry.

(3) Pearl Berkowitz, January 20, 2003 12:00 AM

Excellent article on Adultery.

I agree with the Rabbi: There should be more publicity of the severity of this crime of Adultery and it should be considered a "capital crime". In fact, in most divorce preceedings for adultery cases in our secular society, the amount of the alimony, plus other necessary provisions and benefits for the former wife (especially for the man to pay) is not so severe as it should be. Let the "punishment fit the crime!" Since Adultery is such a terrible crime, then the adulterer should "pay" for his or her misdeeds. Since Adultery is not considered to be so very "terrible", as former President Clinton showed the world some years ago, the penalty (for example, in a divorce case) doesn't seem to be so impressive and threatening to anyone. If President Clinton were impeached at the time, it would have been a great example of showing the world how terrible the crime of Adultery is. If the penalty would be publicized from the courts (and everywhere) to be so overwhelming, then perhaps people will not be so quick and unthinking about what they are doing when they're tempted to commit the crime of Adultery. Marriages are ruined, emotional health is damaged and families suffer all around for many years. Thank you for this opportunity of expressing my opinion about this matter.

(2) laura frayman, January 27, 2002 12:00 AM

yes, i can read appel on the parsha again

to whom it may concern:
i was so happy to find YA thoughts on the parsha again. i am a former clevelander and i have missed his weekly thoughts since they no longer print him the clev. Jewish news...thanks for giving him a place to put his work!!!!

(1) Anonymous, January 27, 2002 12:00 AM

you are right-adultery does cause disharmony

adulterous act are powerful and destroy relationships- G-d's interpretation of adultery has been blurred by societal changes- For example, is it adulterous to watch pornography? In most relationships this is not considered adultorous- Only sex with another person is considered adulturous I think couples should have an open discussion of what is adultery- Clarification is the key to successful marriage and communication. This might cause less disharmony and a closer relationship in the home.

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About the Author

Rabbi Yehuda Appel

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Born in New York City, Yehuda Appel was director for many years of Aish HaTorah’s Discovery Program in Jerusalem before founding Aish Cleveland in 1990. In addition to his teaching and administrative responsibilities in Cleveland, his recent focus has been establishing Aish programs on college campuses throughout the Midwest. Yehuda is married to noted speaker Hannah Appel and they have eight children.

Yitro(Exodus 18-20)

Why is Adultery So Bad?

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