Bamidbar(Numbers 1:1-4:20)

The Head of a Family Tree

"When one learns as a child, it is like ink on fresh paper; when one learns as an old man, it is like ink on erased paper." (Pirkei Avos 4:25)

There is a true story about an 8-year-old boy who came home from school one day to find his house on fire. As the blaze raged on, the boy's mother stood there and cried. "It is awful to lose our home and possessions," the mother sobbed, "But most of all, we can never replace our family tree which recorded our lineage back to King David!"

"Don't worry, Mom," said the boy, "I'll start a new lineage." (The boy went on to become a great 19^th century rabbi, known as the Maggid of Mezrich.)

THE KEY INGREDIENTS

We live in a very materialistic society. Many choose to spend their time acquiring objects rather than acquiring their children's admiration.

We tend to worry more over bills than morals. We tend to get upset with others quicker than we apologize.

These are the values of our society. The question is do we want to make these the values of our children? How we choose to approach life is going to be how our children will, too. Following the path of society will make us as memorable to our descendants as an old movie.

Here's a typical scenario to consider:

When you get a dent in the car, do you panic and get angry? Or do you put it into perspective and realize there are more important things in life to fret about?

Getting upset may help vent your anger - but it also shows your child what is really important in life. The car may be repaired and the dent removed, but the dent in your child's personality does not come out so easily.

Children will not ask their parents for advice if the parents are not perceived as being truly happy. If life is always "getting to you," then your kids are not going to ask you how to manage life. In fact, they'll probably want to give you advice instead!

SOMEONE THE CHILDREN WILL BE PROUD OF

The Torah tells us that Abraham would actually seek out strangers and offer them a meal. This was not the norm then and it's certainly not the norm now. It affected his children and grandchildren. And until today, the Jewish People are known for their kindness to strangers.

Will you teach your kids that it's more important to have the most exquisite sofa - or to have the most guests using that sofa?

Be kinder than everyone else... Be more forgiving than everyone else... Be more giving and willing to help than everyone else... Be more patient than everyone else...

Your generosity toward others is more likely to create an exceptional child than any amount of schooling - no matter how high the tuition.

A story:

Two women, Sarah and Rachel, recently met in the grocery store. Since Sarah was pregnant, Rachel asked if there was anything she could do to help out. Sarah's mother (who was visiting from out-of-town) said, "Sure, I need to go to the other side of town to visit my elderly uncle. Will you drive me back and forth?"

Sarah immediately pulled Rachel aside and apologized, saying that her mother didn't realize that Rachel had four small children of her own to take care of.

"It's fine, I'd be happy to take your mother," Rachel said. "I'll just put all the kids in the car and we'll go for a ride. It's good for my children to see me doing a kindness for a stranger. It's my pleasure, it really is."

With the high price of education - and the small price of patience, charity, and kindness - shouldn't we be more involved with the "bargains?"

We are willing to put in the effort to make our children richer and more comfortable than ourselves. How much more meaningful would it be to make them happier and kinder than ourselves.

CHOOSE YOUR LEGACY

When your children reflect back on your life, will they see an inspiring leader who made a profound impact on the world - or will they see a parent who merely "followed the crowd," just another brick in the wall?

You don't start a lineage by conforming.

A good rule to follow: Instead of worrying what everyone else is saying about you, worry that your children will have something good to say about you, to everyone else.

We find this principle expressed in this week's parsha. When God commands Moses to count the Jewish People, Moses is told to enlist the help of the tribal heads: "And with you (Moses) shall be one man from each tribe, each man should be the head of his family" (Numbers 1:4).

Rabbi Moshe Chaifetz explained the expression, "the head of his family" as someone who is the beginning of a new lineage. The "head" is the start of a new line. In other words, someone the children will be proud of.

What do we want our children to remember about us? Our striving for a more enriched life? Our quest for constant personal growth? Will they look to our lives for inspiration, for solutions to their problems? Will we be for them a lasting influence - or nothing more than a quaint memory? What a depressing thought if our children would think of us as irrelevant!

It would be nice to think that we could be sources of wisdom for our children. That they will bring to us the problems they face. That they will seek our advice. That in a crisis they will ask, "How would Mom and Dad deal with that?"

We are already going to spend a major amount of time, money and effort on our children. Why not spend a little more effort ... and transform them into our legacy.

BRAINSTORMING QUESTIONS TO PONDER

Question 1: If you could write your own tombstone, what five praises or achievements would you like engraved on it?

Question 2: Ask your children who their heroes are. Are they the kind of role models you would chose for them?

Question 3: If you could magically instill one character trait or moral value into your children, what would it be? Now - what are you doing to make that a reality?