Devarim(Deuteronomy 1:1-3:22)

The Fine Art of Rebuke

Hillel said: "Judge not your fellow man until you have put yourself in his place."
    --  Talmud, Pirkei Avot 2:5

Do you recall E.T.'s parting advice to his earthling friend? "Be good."

Maybe on E.T.'s planet, simple advice like this means a lot. But on planet earth, life is a bit more complex. Vague criticism - such as "be good" - is often not only ineffective, but sometimes can even spark resentment and anger. To be effective, rebuke has to be practical, specific, and clear.

PRINCIPLES OF REBUKE

The first rule in effective rebuke I that it must be a sincere effort to promote another's growth. If you don't truly care about what's best for the other person, then your criticism is likely to be perceived as arrogant and self-serving. And being sincere is more than putting an arm around the poor recipient and a sympathetic smile. Sincerity must come from the heart.

Yet effective rebuke is not just a question of how you say it. It's also a question of timing and circumstances - what you say and when you say it.

Criticism in the heat of anger is usually nothing more than an outlet for frustration. Waiting for the moment that your criticism will be best received and not just sputtering your frustration at any and every moment, shows real concern for another.

Before giving rebuke, be sure the recipient will understand that you're not in it for personal gain.

REBUKE FROM MOSES

Rebuke is often seen as self-serving.But because a dying person has nothing to gain, he is therefore more sincere. What he is saying is more likely for our good. Therefore we are more inclined to listen and hear what parting wisdom he may give.

This week's Parsha starts by telling us about the rebuke Moses gave to the Jewish people in the desert. Rashi (11^th century France) explains that Moses chose this time because it was right before his death. Such rebuke, Rashi explains, is more likely to be accepted because people needn't worry about the shame of having to face their critic in the future. And they know that if these are someone's dying words, they must in fact carry great significance!

PREPARE YOUR MESSAGE

Rebuke that is given without thought and planning is nothing more than a passing fancy. The opportunity to change and improve the people around us is not one we should waste through off-the-cuff criticism.

Plan your words. If your criticism is thoughtful, then the one being criticized will more likely respond thoughtfully. The opportunity for deeper relationships with your family and friends is in front of you. Caring and sincere relationships have a lot to do with caring about what you say and when you say it.

SHOWING THAT YOU CARE

Try an exercise. Make a list of the people you most care about. Determine the central point which you would like them to change - and the reason why it is important for them to change. Doing this will give you a broader perspective, and give you more control over the frustration of petty insignificant problems.

If you were on your death-bed, what advice would you give to your son, daughter, wife, husband, friend...? What eternal message or piece of wisdom would you like to impart? Of course it should be something that is at the core of improving and fulfilling the lives of those you care about. How tragic it would be - at this departing moment, when all ears are primed and listening - if you had nothing to say!

The exercise of working out our most crucial advice not only prepares us for that time in the future, but it will also focus us on what we most valuetoday.

In other words, if you know what you want to say on your death-bed, you'll know what to say at the dinner table.

BRAINSTORMING QUESTIONS TO PONDER

Question 1: Ask three people who are close to you to read this Devar Torah. Then ask each to give you a piece of criticism.

Question 2: Looking back at your life, is there any time that you wish someone would have given you criticism that would have spared you from making a bad mistake?

Question 3: If you were certain that people would listen, what would you want to say?