GOOD MORNING! Did you ever notice how many jokes there are about marriage? "What's the shortest sentence in the English language? 'I am.' What is the longest sentence? 'I do.' or: "Marriage is like a deck of cards -- you start off with hearts and diamonds ... and then you look for a club and a spade." Why are there so many jokes? There is a lot of pain in a bad marriage and with a joke you can verbalize the pain in an acceptable manner -- and know you are not alone. It takes wisdom, focus and effort to create a happy marriage.
Would you like a happier, more blissful marriage? Then you'll probably want to keep reading, rather than skipping to the "Quote of the Week"!
Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, is one of the leading experts and counselors on marital happiness. In his earlier years he would fill comedy clubs around the world with his "Pamensky Live!" Of late, he is spending most of his time counseling couples at the The Pamensky Relationship Institute. One third of his couples are already in the divorce process and he has had excellent success with helping them put their marriages back on a joyous track. He also has created a website to help couples -- HappyWife.com .
Teaches Rabbi Pamensky: Men and women are different, not just physically and emotionally. Perhaps the biggest difference is that women are relationship beings ... and men are not. At one seminar he divided the men and women into two groups to come up with descriptions of the ideal husband, wife and marriage. When they reassembled, he called upon a woman. However, before asking her for the descriptions, he asked her the name of a woman who was in her group. "How many children? Boys? Girls?" He then asked the same questions to 2 other women. The women knew about each woman in the group.
Rabbi Pamensky then called upon a man and asked him to name ANY man in the group. He couldn't do it. None of them could. They had worked out excellent descriptions of the ideal husband, wife and marriage, but it just wasn't important to know each other's names or about their families. Says Rabbi Pamensky, "When do they learn the names of the other men? When their wives introduce them!"
What do men need to be successful with a relationship being? They need a job description to know what to do! Here is a husband's job description: Your job is to make your wife happy all the time! If one told women that their job was to make their husband happy -- then the husband would be happy. However, if the husband makes his wife happy, she'll return it multifold ... because she is a relationship being! Make her happy and she'll make the relationship happy and filled with intimacy, connection, closeness, passion and growth.
How does one make his wife happy? Rabbi Pamensky quotes Rabbi Moshe Aharon Stern, of blessed memory, who once advised, "All you have to do are the 3 A's -- Attention, Affection and Appreciation. A woman needs attention, craves affection and so rightly deserves appreciation!" (When Rabbi Pamensky once asked a group if they knew what the "3 A's" are that one should give his wife, one cynical pundit said, "Yes! American Express, Apology and Alimony...)
Advises Rabbi Pamensky, "The relationship is not about thinking. The language of a relationship is feelings. Feelings have nothing to do with logic. A man has to make his wife feel that she is the most important part of his life, the absolute first priority!"
How does one give attention? Put down the newspaper, stop typing on the computer or texting on the Blackberry, turn off the music ... turn around, face your wife, look her in the eyes ... and listen. Why does a woman interrupt at the last moment of a football or basketball game in overtime? She wants to know that she is more important than the game. Give her attention and she'll give you space.
How does one give his wife affection? A man tends to compartmentalize life: business tones, parenting tones, walking the dog tones. For his wife he needs affectionate tones -- tones of of love and respect for everytime he speaks with her!
What does Rabbi Pamensky advise women to know in order to make their husbands happy? Two things: 1) All men are giant egos with legs -- and egos need stroking all the time, especially when your husband does his job of making you happy! He has to feel that if you were the only woman alive and you had 3 billion resumes of men wanting to marry you, that you'd pick him! You mean the most to him. You know him best. Therefore, your ego stroke is the only real ego stroke he gets in life.
The second thing a woman has to know in order to make her husband happy is to give her husband a break -- especially when he does NOT do his job of making his wife happy! Do not nag, harp or criticize him when he slips up. It doesn't help. It makes everything worse! Give him a break when he doesn't do his job and be appreciative when he does -- then he'll be more likely to make you happy in the future.
For a better marriage, for a happier world ... go to HappyWife.com . Watch the videos and do the workshops on: Financial Issues, Problems In The Bedroom, Communication, Feeling Lonely, Issues With Children, In-Laws, Conflict Resolution, Infidelity, Thinking of Divorce. Download for free, the ebook: Top Ten Amazing Marriage Tips or work through The Amazing Marriage Kit's Five Pillars Of Marriage: Marriage Essentials, Communication, Love and Friendship, Intimacy, and Healthy Conflict.
Torah Portion of the Week
There are two rebellions this week. First, Korach, a Levite who was passed over for the leadership of his tribe, challenges Moshe over the position of High Priest. No good rebellion can be "sold" as a means for personal gain, so Korach convinces 250 men of renown that they must stand up for a matter of principle -- that each and every one of them has the right to the office of High Priest (which Moshe had already announced that God had designated his brother Aharon to serve as the High Priest).
Fascinatingly, all 250 followers of Korach accept Moshe's challenge to bring an offering of incense to see who God will choose to fill the one position. This meant that every man figured he would be the one out of 250 to not only be chosen, but to survive the ordeal. Moshe announces that if the earth splits and swallows up the rebels it is a sign that he (Moshe) is acting on God's authority. And thus it happened!
The next day the entire Israelite community rises in a second rebellion and complains to Moshe, "You have killed God's people!" The Almighty brings a plague which kills 14,700 people ... and only stops when Aharon offers an incense offering.
To settle the question once and for all, Moshe has the head of each tribe bring a staff with his name on it. The next morning only Aharon's staff had blossomed and brought forth almonds. The people were shown this sign. Aharon's staff was placed in front of the curtain of the ark as testimony for all time.
* * *
based on Growth Through Torah by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
The Torah states:
"There shall not be like Korach and his congregation" (Numbers 17:5).
This verse is a source of the prohibition against being involved in quarrels. What insight does this verse give us into the nature of quarrels?
Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz, the former head of the Mir Yeshiva in Jerusalem, commented that the verse can be understood that "There will not be other quarrels like that of Korach and his followers." By the argument with Korach, Moshe was 100% right and Korach was 100% wrong. In every other argument, even if one side is more correct than the other, both sides are making some mistakes.
In many family quarrels neither side is really right or wrong. Do not focus on who is right and who is wrong. Focus on peace. What can be done to satisfy everyone at least to some degree?
CANDLE LIGHTING - June 22
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J'Burg 5:05 - London 9:03 - Los Angeles 7:50
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New York 8:13 - Singapore 6:55 - Toronto 8:45
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Women worry about what men forget;
Men worry about what women remember
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Rabbi Kalman Packouz
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