GOOD MORNING! Death is a very sad part of life. In our tradition, we sit Shiva ("shiva" is the Hebrew word for "seven" referring to the seven days we mourn) for our seven closest relatives: father, mother, brother, sister, spouse, son or daughter. Visiting a Shiva house can be a comfort to the mourners and a meaningful experience to the comforters -- if done right. However, visiting a Shiva home can cause a person to be ill at ease if he doesn't understand his role in the mourning process and doesn't know the halacha (Jewish law) governing behavior at a Shiva home.
Mourning is a time to spiritually and psychologically come to terms with one's loss. For seven days the mourner sits on a low chair or cushion, doesn't leave the house, withdraws from the world around him. Why? Now is the time to cry, to remember the good times, to feel the loss. If a person doesn't allow himself -- or isn't allowed -- to focus on this, the pain remains longer and stronger and hampers the continuation of his own life.
Jewish law prescribes that when one enters the house of a mourner, he should sit silently until spoken to by the mourner -- so that he will not intrude upon the mourner. Just being there is comforting. Sometimes there is no need for words. If the mourner engages you in conversation, it is important that the conversation should focus upon the deceased. It is a great kindness to ask questions which concretize memories and feelings: What was his outstanding character trait? What was one incident which encapsulates his life? What was his greatest impact upon you? This focuses the mourner and helps him to both grieve and integrate the impact the deceased had on his life.
People are uncomfortable at the home of a mourner because they are unclear of what function they should serve. That is why people mistakenly try to change the subject and avoid talking about the deceased. What is intended as a kindness ends up as a disservice. Remember that a Shiva house is not a party.
Recently, I visited a Shiva house and picked up a guide sheet of two pages by L. Muschel of "Do's and Don'ts." I think they are helpful, though to some they may seem obvious. Here are excerpts and some of my own (which incorporate some of the points mentioned above):
If you want to learn more on how to deal with death and help your fellow human being who is grieving, read The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Rabbi Maurice Lamm. If you want a book to give the mourner to help him or her, I highly recommend (and give it myself), Remember My Soul by Rabbi Yaakov and Lori Palatnik. Both are available from your local Jewish book store or by calling toll-free 877-758-3242.
Yisro/Yitro, Exodus 18:1 -20:23
This is the Torah portion containing the giving of the Ten Commandments. Did you know that there are differences in the Ten Commandments as stated here (Exodus 20:1-14) and restated later in Deuteronomy 5:6-18? (Suggestion: have your children find the differences as a game at the Shabbat table during dinner).
Moses' father-in-law, Jethro (Yitro or Yisro in the Hebrew) joins the Jewish people in the desert, advises Moses on the best way to serve and judge the people -- by appointing a hierarchy of intermediaries -- and then returns home to Midian. The Ten Commandments are given, the first two were heard directly from God by every Jew and then the people begged Moses to be their intermediary for the remaining eight because the experience was too intense.
The portion concludes with the Almighty telling Moses to instruct the Jewish people not to make any images of God. They were then commanded to make an earthen altar; and eventually to make a stone altar, but without the use of a sword or metal tool.
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based on Growth Through Torah by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
The Torah states:
"And Moshe said to his father-in-law, the people come to me to seek the Almighty" (Exodus 18:15).
Moshe had arranged for the people to come to him when they had questions. The prophet Shmuel, on the other hand, went to the people to deal with their needs. What can we learn from Shmuel about coming close to the Almighty?
Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz comments that one's closeness to the Almighty is dependent upon one's love for other people. Shmuel's going to the people showed that he had great love and concern for them.
Where did Shmuel get this great love other people? The Midrash says that the garment that his mother made for him when he was a child was with him his entire life. This garment, say Rabbi Shmuelevitz, was made with the profound love his mother had for him. This love became such a part of Shmuel that it manifested itself in his entire way of dealing with other people.
The love a mother shows her infants and young children by getting up in the middle of the night to take care of them implants in them a deep feeling of being loved. When such a child grows older he will have love for others. Any small thing a parent does with love for his children will pay off great dividends. The greater the child becomes the more many people will benefit from that love.
(or go to http://www.aish.com/sh/c/)
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One nice thing about Egotists ...
they don't talk about other people!
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Rabbi Kalman Packouz
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