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GOOD MORNING! Would you like a happier, more blissful marriage? Then you'll probably want to keep reading, rather than skipping to the Quote of the Week!
___My friend, Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, is one of the leading experts and counselors on marital happiness. In his earlier years he would fill comedy clubs around the world with his "Pamensky Live!" Of late, he is spending most of his time counseling couples at The Pamensky Relationship Institute (416-782-7553). One third of his couples are already in the divorce process and he has had excellent success with helping them put their marriages back on a joyous track. He also has created a new website to help couples - http://www.AmazingMarriage.com (more on that later).
___Here is how you know that he is REALLY good! Recently, Reb Aryeh received a $5,000 check from someone he didn't know. When he called to thank the man and clarify, the man told him, "Rabbi, my wife and I have been in marriage counseling for over 10 years; we attended your session, started doing what you taught, got rid of the therapist and have the most wonderful and amazing marriage. Believe me, I owe you more than $5,000, so please keep the $5,000 with my eternal thanks!" (The man sent another $5,000 the following year!)
___Teaches Rabbi Pamensky: Men and women are different, not just physically and emotionally. Perhaps the biggest difference is that women are relationship beings ... and men are not. At one seminar he divided the men and women into two groups to come up with descriptions of the ideal husband, wife and marriage. When they reassembled, he called upon a woman. However, before asking her for the descriptions, he asked her the name of a woman who was in her group. "How many children? Boys? Girls?" He then asked the same questions to 2 other women. The women knew about each woman in the group.
___Rabbi Pamensky then called upon a man and asked him to name ANY man in the group. He couldn't do it. None of them could. They had worked out excellent descriptions of the ideal husband, wife and marriage, but it just wasn't important to know each other's names or about their families. Says Rabbi Pamensky, "When do they learn the names of the other men? When their wives introduce them!"
___What do men need to be successful with a relationship being? They need a job description to know what to do! Here is a husband's job description: Your job is to make your wife happy all the time! If one told women that their job was to make their husband happy - then the husband would be happy. However, if the husband makes his wife happy, she'll return it multifold ... because she is a relationship being! Make her happy and she'll make the relationship happy and filled with intimacy, connection, closeness, passion and growth.
___How does one make his wife happy? Rabbi Pamensky quotes Rabbi Moshe Aharon Stern, of blessed memory, who once advised, "All you have to do are the 3 A's - Attention, Affection and Appreciation. A woman needs attention, craves affection and so rightly deserves appreciation!" (When Rabbi Pamensky once asked a group if they knew what the "3 A's" are that one should give his wife, one cynical pundit said, "Yes! American Express, Apology and Alimony...)
___Advises Rabbi Pamensky, "The relationship is not about thinking. The language of a relationship is feelings. Feelings have nothing to do with logic. A man has to make his wife feel that she is the most important part of his life, the absolute first priority!"
___How does one give attention? Put down the newspaper, stop typing on the computer or texting on the Blackberry, turn off the music ... turn around, face your wife, look her in the eyes ... and listen. Why does a woman interrupt at the last moment of a football or basketball game in overtime? She wants to know that she is more important than the game. Give her attention and she'll give you space.
___How does one give his wife affection? A man tends to compartmentalize life: business tones, parenting tones, walking the dog tones ... for his wife he needs to all the time speak to her with affectionate tones of love and respect.
___What does Rabbi Pamensky advise women to know in order to make their husbands happy? Two things: The first thing is, all men are giant egos with legs - and egos need stroking all the time, especially when your husband does his job of making you happy! He has to feel that if you were the only woman alive and you had 3 billion resumes of men wanting to marry you, that you'd pick him! You mean the most to him. You know him best. Therefore, your ego stroke is the only real ego stroke he gets in life.
___The second thing a woman has to know in order to make her husband happy is to give her husband a break - especially when he does NOT do his job of making his wife happy! Do not nag, harp or criticize him when he slips up. It doesn't help. It makes everything worse! Give him a break when he doesn't do his job and be appreciative when he does - then he'll be more likely to make you happy in the future.
___For a better marriage, for a happier world ... go to http://www.AmazingMarriage.com. Special for Shabbat Shalom readers, FREE login and downloads with -User Name: irina Password: irina (use non-capital letters!). Watch the videos and do the workshops on: Financial Issues, Problems In The Bedroom, Communication, Feeling Lonely, Issues With Children, In-Laws, Conflict Resolution, Infidelity, Thinking of Divorce. Download for free the E-Book: Top Ten Amazing Marriage Tips or work through The Amazing Marriage Kit's Five Pillars Of Marriage: Marriage Essentials, Communication, Love and Friendship, Intimacy, and Healthy Conflict. And if you feel Rabbi Pamensky has really helped your marriage - I'll be happy to forward to him your checks!
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Torah Portion of the Week
___Matot includes the laws of making and annulling vows, the surprise attack on Midian (the '67 War wasn't the Jewish people's first surprise attack!) in retribution for the devastation the Midianites wreaked upon the Jewish people, the purification after the war of people and vessels, dedicating a portion of the spoils to the communal good (perhaps the first Federation campaign), the request of the tribes of Reuben and Gad for their portion of land to be east of the Jordan river (yes, Trans-Jordan/Jordan is also part of the Biblical land of Israel). Moshe objects to the request because he thinks the tribes will not take part in the conquering of the land of Israel; the tribes clarify that they will be the advance troops in the attack and thus receive permission.
___Masay includes the complete list of journeys in the desert (the name of each stop hints at a deeper meaning, a lesson learned there). God commands to drive out the land's inhabitants, to destroy their idols and to divide the land by a lottery system. God establishes the borders of the Land of Israel. New leadership is appointed, cities of the Levites and Cities of Refuge (where an accidental murderer may seek asylum) are designated. Lastly, the laws are set forth regarding accidental and willful murder as well as inheritance laws only for that generation regarding property of a couple where each came from a different tribe.
* * *
based on Love Your Neighbor by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
___The Almighty commands Moshe to avenge the Children of Israel for the crimes that the Midianites committed (enticing the men into illicit relationships and idol worship). Yet, the Torah tells us that:
|"Moshe sent forth a thousand from each tribe to the army ... and they massed against the Midian..." (Numbers 31:5-7)|
___If God commanded Moshe, why did Moshe delegate the task to others and not go himself?
___The Midrash explains that Moshe had lived amongst the Midianites from the time he fled Egypt (after killing an Egyptian who was oppressing a Jew) until he returned to Egypt following God's appearance in the Burning Bush. Though the Midianites did not go out of their way to aid Moshe, he felt a sense of gratitude. Therefore, he did not join his army in battle out of gratitude.
___Our lesson: if Moshe was grateful even to an unintending benefactor, all the more so must we be grateful to someone who has gone out of his or her way to help us - like our spouse!
CANDLE LIGHTING - July 13
(or go to http://www.aish.com/shabbat/candlelighting.asp)
Guatemala 6:17 - Hong Kong 6:52 - Honolulu 6:59
J'Burg 5:13 - London 8:56 - Los Angeles 7:48
Melbourne 4:59 - Mexico City 8:00 - Miami 7:58
New York 8:10 - Singapore 6:58 - Toronto 8:41
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Women worry about what men forget;
men worry about what women remember.
With Deep Appreciation to|
Joseph and Gladys Penn