This is the story of two sisters, raised in a traditional Jewish home on Long Island, New York – one whose life reads like a Judith Krantz novel and the other whose life was turned upside down one rainy Friday afternoon. When my husband got fired, I turned to my sister looking for advice, but how was I to know she would turn my “crisis” into a new business venture? Or that it would ultimately result in both of us becoming authors, newspaper columnists, public speakers, and, most importantly, teachers.
I was 40+ years old and had gone from living with my parents to living with my husband. And although we traveled the world with his career, I had still managed to lead a sheltered life in that someone else had always taken care of me. However, my husband getting fired was the catalyst which forced me to face reality and take control of my life.
When I turned to my sister, aka Black, a successful corporate businesswoman with an M.B.A. from N.Y.U. and London Business School, looking for answers, all I got was questions. It was extremely frustrating at first, but over time I realized the wisdom of her decision. She couldn’t tell me what to do, as my decisions had to be based on MY personal values and priorities. I have two daughters. She has two race cars. (Not your typical family tree!)
My husband was initially shell-shocked as he had worked for the company ever since graduating business school. (He and my sister had been classmates at London Business School.) And he knew I did not go from being a cookie-baking mom, to financially literate, all by myself. However, since he had turned to my sister over the years on various matters, he seemed relieved that I was getting involved rather than expecting him to shoulder the entire burden.
Looking back, I can see how our Jewish upbringing established our basic values and, in reality, my sister could have made many of my decisions for me. But I needed to learn to take control of my own life vs. having my life control me.
Seven Lessons
During my crisis, I put together a list I could review whenever I needed help remembering the glass is half-full. It's as applicable today as it was when I first wrote it. Hopefully it can help you navigate any crisis you find yourself in.
1. Take My Head Out of the Sand
Whether financial or personal — avoiding the truth won’t change the facts. It certainly will NOT make the situation better. Nor will it make the situation go away. Problems will lie dormant only until such time as they’re too big to continue ignoring. Acknowledging a problem (and the earlier, the better) is a HUGE first step towards doing something positive.
2. Eat the Elephant One Bite at a Time
This applies to many large issues or projects. Situations which become bigger the longer I delay addressing them. Which then can become another excuse for not dealing with them. A vicious circle! But I can tackle/deal with/solve anything; I CAN eat an elephant, just not all at one time. I initially applied this concept to our financial situation and later used it for less urgent projects, such as my daughter’s scrapbooks. Now I find myself using this concept whenever I have large tasks to tackle that in the past I’d have kept postponing, such as the growing mountain range of paper in my “workroom”.
3. Communication Includes Dialogue
My sister and I talk a lot about communication in our book, and there’s no question that it’s absolutely critical to any relationship. But now I’ve added the word “dialogue.” A cooperative spouse is great, or a close friend, a sister — anyone who will listen and be available to bounce ideas around. Few of us want to go through life alone, but communication becomes even more important during a crisis, yet often that’s when we feel most alone. I’m lucky to have Black in my life, but if I didn’t there are support groups. I would never try to get through a crisis alone.
4. Be Honest with the Mirror
I made a commitment that I’ll try to be honest with myself — about what’s important to me, what will make me happy (I don’t mean winning the lottery), what I want from life. I need to be open to the thoughts of friends and family (NOT society at large) about what’s important to them, but I treat them as a “menu of options” — not definitive answers. And I remind myself that when I think the grass might be greener somewhere else, in reality I may be looking at Astroturf.
5. It’s Just Stuff And Fluff
Spending time and money chasing “things” is a waste of time and money. (Beyond basic needs, of course.) Besides, it isn’t a good example to set for children — especially since they learn more by “Monkey see — Monkey do” than they do by “Do as I say, not as I do.” At the end of the day, the most important things are my beliefs, my values, my priorities, my loved ones, my memories. The things money can’t buy. The rest is just fluff.
6. Slow Down and Enjoy
Life can change in an instant — a spouse gets fired, a family member gets seriously ill, a loved one dies — so I have to enjoy what I have and the people in my life. Spend less time “doing” and more time “enjoying.” Read one less e-mail. Play a game with the girls. Shut off the TV at dinner and have a conversation. Have coffee with a friend. Make sure to take the time to unwind. And to dream.
7. Crisis = Opportunity
Finally, I have given myself the gift of believing that everything happens for a reason, even if I can’t understand why at the time. If I allow myself to treat a crisis as a potential opportunity, I might find myself one day in the future saying, “I’m so glad that happened because if it hadn’t then: I might not have learned something. Understood something. Gotten to the place where I am today.”
When this crisis first happened, my sister told me it would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought (a) she was crazy; (b) I had no time for her sarcastic remarks. But now I admit she was right. For not only have I taken control of my life, but most importantly I’m teaching my daughters invaluable life lessons. I may have been an ostrich with my head in the sand, but I’m determined my daughters will not be. And if, along the way, my story has somehow ended up helping other people, then that’s a truly amazing gift that I never could have imagined on that rainy Friday.
Visit www.redandblackbooks.com to order your copy of What I Learned About Life When My Husband Got Fired! a real approach to personal finance and prioritizing your life, By Red (Tina Pennington) and Black (Mandy Williams).
(8) Claudia, December 13, 2012 3:29 AM
I just found out yesterday my husband was fired from a major law firm. I am so worried. I also have red hair, am Catholic and totally sheltered. I spent the day applying for jobs. I do not work currently. I am so worried.
(7) Donna, December 5, 2011 3:27 AM
being fired!!
I tried for years to get fired, even requested this from the president of my company, to which he replied, oh shut up and go sell something . . . well, after years of trying to get fired without success, I finally quit!!! It was the best decision I ever made. Good luck with being fired, it will propel you towards a dream you probably never even knew you had!!
(6) bieyochev kennedy shipanuka, October 14, 2011 8:49 PM
was layed off
am abit stuck was fired just today ,my boss drove about 250ks just to meet with me .later after we spoke he produced a chq and let me no that the company has decided to swacth the position i had and saying that accounts will handle that department .
Tina Pennington, aka Red, October 28, 2011 2:21 AM
I'm So Sorry!
First, I must apologize for responding to you so late. Because my article was posted in July, I have to admit that I haven’t checked for comments on a regular basis. In fact, it was my sister Black that phoned me just a short while ago to let me know that there was a recent comment. It’s safe to say she’s much better than I am at anything that has to do with the internet and computers! I wish I had some magical words to say to you. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, and keeping in mind it was my husband that was fired and not me personally, but I know that it’s a very traumatic event and a very stressful time. I was lucky, very lucky, in that I had my sister to turn to, but in hindsight I realize that sharing what I was going through with close friends would have been an enormous help. I certainly don’t know what you’re going through, or how you’re handling it, but based on my own experience all I can say is having a support team can make all the difference. I also believe that one’s mindset and perspective at this time is also critical. I’ll be quite honest and tell you that I would have been happy to have had a pity party. But Black forced me to start making conscious decisions and to focus on the positive, rather than dwell on the past and the negative. I hope that in the weeks since you posted your comment things have been improving. Again, I’m so sorry for not responding sooner. But I hope that you’re doing well. And thank you for taking the time to write to me. I really appreciate it!
(5) Feig, August 4, 2011 9:01 AM
Great Article!! Puts things in perspective!1
Your article is amazing! Shows how one can grow when crisis appears and you very well summed up the 7 lessons that you learnt from your experience. That is really a blessing when one can have their approach the correct way. I would definitely re-stress as you already mentioned, that it is a Jewish upbringing that makes this attitude all the more possible. Good luck in your future endevours and being an inspiration to the public!!
Tina Pennington, aka Red, August 5, 2011 1:10 PM
Thank You!
Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words. Not only do I really appreciate it, but it makes me so glad that you understand and see the “Jewish Connection.” A number of people have questioned why Jewish audiences have “embraced” our book and, more importantly, our mindset and perspective and I think it all comes back to the fact that my sister and I were raised in a Jewish home with traditional Jewish values. In fact, I will be the first to admit that I didn’t initially “connect the dots” until my sister Black, of course, pointed out the obvious to me, as she often does! Again, thank you for your words, they mean more to me than you realize.
(4) Yitzhak, August 3, 2011 1:07 PM
What about your husband?
I am very happy for you that you were able to find yourself and find strength and a friend in whom you could find support. It is incredible that you were able to get through it. However, what about your husband? As somebody who was just laid off, being fired is an utterly devastating experience for a man (and for a woman). We tend to define ourselves by our jobs and by our ability to support our families. When that is gone, we can feel like an empty shell with no reason to exist. For me, THANKING him for being fired seems cruel, thoughtless, and terribly self-centered. After all, in a good marriage - or any "caring" relationship, the people in that relationship support each other, not just think about themselves. Maybe you were there for him. However, there is absolutely no mention of that in any of these replies. I find that sad.
Tina Pennington, aka Red, August 4, 2011 9:36 PM
Red's Response to: "What about your husband?"
First, I have to say that I’m so sorry that you recently lost your job as I know first-hand (from the spouse’s perspective) what a devastating event this is. I wish I had some magical words but unfortunately I don’t. I do, however, fully appreciate your position and, as I mentioned, I think my husband was actually very relieved that I was getting involved rather than expecting him to shoulder the entire burden. In addition, I, with the help of my sister, realized that this was a very difficult time for him as he was feeling shell-shocked from being unexpectedly fired and so communication between us was more critical than ever before - but also more difficult. I had to let him take the lead as far as what we were going to tell people, and although I would have liked the support of friends and family, I respected his decision to keep the truth a secret from everyone except my sister. As far as "thanking him" for getting fired, I think you may have misunderstood. I never actually said “thank you” to him and would never have dreamed of doing so. The point I was trying to make is that, in time, I chose to focus on the good things that came from the crisis vs. looking at the bad. None of us can change the past, and we can’t control what events may occur in our lives, but we can control how we look at them and how we deal with them. I focused on the lessons I learned, and tried to move forward in a positive way - not just in terms of me, but also my husband and our children.
Yitzhak, August 11, 2011 9:59 PM
Thank you for the clarification
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. What you said does help me to deal with my situation - if nothing else, just in knowing that I'm not alone.. I also appreciate your filling in the blanks on this discussion. You are obviously a sensitive and supportive person - and that you have a really great husband. I wish you luck in all of your endeavors and mazel tov on finding the strength to do what needs to be done! You are an inspiration to many (as is shown in the feedback here) - including me!
Tina Pennington, August 17, 2011 11:12 AM
Thank you Yitzhak
Dear Yitzhak - Thank you so much. I’m genuinely touched by your response. And (although I know this may sound “trite”), I really do believe that within us all we have the strength to do what needs to be done - whether for ourselves or the people we love.
(3) Anonymous, July 28, 2011 6:44 AM
my husband also just got fired
Hi! This was the most awesome article that I could have stumbled on... my friend sent me this link for an article about the nine days... I was looking through the site (great site btw!) and then saw your article. Its beautiful. The timing couldn't be more perfect. My husband hated his job yet he couldn't make the change. He just got laid off last week... and I'm due with our fourth child b'H any day. In a way it put us in a huge stress mode and yet your article put it all in proportion. thank so much!!
Tina Pennington, aka Red, July 28, 2011 2:24 PM
Don't Forget!
I’m so glad my article helped. And I fully understand how you feel. In our book we have an entire chapter on handling stress, but one of our pet peeves is when someone tells you to find out more you have to buy the book. Anyway, please make sure to take some time for yourself! For me it’s going to a movie, for Black it’s racing cars. (As I said in the article, her life is like a Judith Krantz novel.) In our book, Black refers to it as an “ADULT RECESS” and explained it to me as “a grown-up version of snack time or recess at school where kids take a break from their studies. They get some nutrition or exercise and have fun while they are recharging their physical and mental batteries.” Anyway, trust me, it’s so important to do this during the best of time, but it’s critical to do in the “less than best” of times. Funny, I remember when I was a kid and my parents would make Black take a “time out” as a punishment. Somewhere along the line, as you grow up, “time out” becomes an elusive dream. Good luck with everything and thanks for writing – I’m so glad you did!
(2) Rich Meister, July 26, 2011 12:43 AM
Great
Should have published this back in 1997, could have used it then. Thanks Mandy
Mandy Williams, aka Black, July 26, 2011 1:26 PM
Timing is everything
Timing of Red’s “crisis” was totally out of my control, and getting it turned into a book (and what happened after that) is a story onto itself. But as Red mentioned, if her story helps anyone then it is a story worth telling.
(1) lisa, July 24, 2011 7:03 PM
The Pink Slip
GREAT article.............& I'm sure it'll be a great book!! Can't wait to read it......sounds like it will help me in many areas of my life! Tell your husband thanks for getting his pink slip. I just hope now he has a satisfying job!!
Tina Pennington, aka Red, July 25, 2011 3:01 PM
Red Responds!
Thanks so much for your very kind comment. It’s funny that you ask me to thank my husband for the pink slip. When he first came home fired, my sister Black told me that it would be the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course, I thought she was just being sarcastic (trust me when I tell you that she doesn’t “do” nice) but she was absolutely right. If nothing else, my “crisis” allowed me to make sure that my two daughter’s learned all the things about personal finance (and life) that I managed to avoid until I was in my 40s! And now, somehow through this book, men and women from high school students to senior citizens, are telling us that it’s motivating and inspiring them. Gee, who would have known all this on that rainy Friday? Definitely, not me! As always, I’m doing my usual blah, blah, blah, so I’ll finish up by saying thank you again for taking the time to reply to the article. Oh, one more thing - I would love to hear from you after you’ve read the book!