Monday morning, we continued our work as usual, making rounds, medication orders, X-rays, and labs, but you could tell that something was different in the ICU. A palpable tension hung in the air. This was the same anxiety that permeated the empty schools, disrupted households, and traffic-less Baltimore streets. Is the coronavirus going to come? When?
In our hospital, this feeling was a bit heavier. Throughout my training and into my career as an intensive care physician, there have been moments where I've been overwhelmed – when there seemed to be too many patients who had too many problems that I could not solve. There were moments where I was so tired that I had to will my feet to take one step and then another. There were moments where I felt I would collapse from the burden of feeling I will never know enough. Fortunately, as I became better trained and more experienced, that helpless feeling came less and less until it was a faded memory.
But that Monday there was a fear that those feelings were returning, encroaching on the horizon like a brewing storm. Would there be so many patients that I'd become overwhelmed? Would fatigue lead to mistakes that cost lives? Would I have to decide who lives or dies because there are not enough ventilators?
I followed the routine - rounds, medical decisions, teaching the residents, bedside procedures, seemingly endless documentation. No hint of the virus in the patients in the beds, only in the anxieties of the staff.
I did my job as usual until Thursday evening when everything changed. I noticed that I was feeling a bit hoarse. Then I developed a mild dry cough. It wasn’t severe and otherwise I felt fine. I had no fevers, no fatigue, no headache, just a nagging dry cough.
Then the anxiety crept in. Could I have the virus? It can’t be. Not me. I’m supposed to be the one treating the sick, not the other way around. While I was not concerned about my health, my first response was self-centered and ugly, although undeniably human: I didn’t want to be known as the guy who spread this around my community or around my hospital. I didn’t want to be seen as a scourge sickened with a plague dreaded by all. I didn’t want to be a pariah to be avoided and cursed.
Then the second fear set in. If I was infected, I had threatened my coworkers and the patients in our care. The weight of this hit me like punch to the gut. You can’t quarantine the entire staff of an intensive care unit! There aren’t enough people to fill in the gaps. What would happen? Would patient care be compromised? Would people suffer because of me?
Then came the internal debate. It was only a mild cough. Maybe it was allergies. We did have some flowers around the house. Perhaps I was developing asthma. Maybe it was from speaking too much on rounds. Could it be acid reflux?
I moved into the basement and taped down a line on the carpet that no one would cross. No one was to be within six feet of me.
That evening I thought of saying nothing and going to work the next day but my better angels got the best of me. I arranged for someone to cover me the next day. I moved into the basement and taped down a line on the carpet that no one would cross. No one was to be within six feet of me. All handles were sanitized. All surfaces were washed. I got tested and I waited. Meanwhile my cough worsened, my temperature spiked, and the chills and aches assaulted my body.
The next evening the hospital administrator called. He had a tone that was a mix of paternalistic authority and a hint of pity. “Your COVID test was positive,” he said setting off a paradoxical flood of emotion. I was both surprised and not surprised, relieved and anxious, defiant and resigned all in a period of 3 ½ seconds but I knew this was coming and I slowly settled in to my new reality.
Dr. Grove with his family
Quite often, the psychological response to infections such as this is to treat it as something to be ashamed of, something to hide from the world. As people have been getting sick, they have been keeping it to themselves. They are not telling those they had contact with that they were sick. I was infected when I encountered people who were mildly sick when I was with them. They didn’t tell me later when they got worse. If they would have told me, I would have pulled myself out of the ICU sooner and prevented a crisis at the hospital.
I then got to thinking. Look at the power we hold. This all started when one innocent and unsuspecting person in a place far away in geography, imagination, and experience went to buy food at a busy market, probably part of his regular routine. He touched something, he touched his face and he changed history. I was sitting here in my basement and the world had been turned upside down because the unwitting act of one man half way across the globe started a chain reaction of actions and inactions.
If he could change the world with one action, all the more so I could change it with many.
So I got to work. I contacted everyone I had an interaction with and told them I was sick. I created a website where I could document my experience and educate as many people as possible. As people heard of my infection, they called and I helped educate them and encouraged them to inform others of their infection.
In the process I learned that putting on the white coat and solving the big problems doesn’t make me impervious to the impacts of disease. I learned that in the face of the overwhelming force of uncertainty and fear, the only hope we have is to rely on the knowledge that God is running the world – without that we’re all floating in a meaningless void of uncaring randomness where something a picometer across can destroy everything in an instant.
Your one small act can change the world for the good in ways you cannot imagine.
I also learned the power He gives to us to make choices and make a difference. We can use our decisions to bring meaning and purpose to that void by seeing through the randomness and identifying the meaning it waits to reveal.
Today, one touch of a door handle, one uncovered cough, and one uninformed sick contact can impact the entire world. But before anyone had ever heard of a coronavirus, the impact was the same and one harsh word, one piece of gossip, one disapproving glare could lead to a chain reaction that crossed the globe like a spreading fire without you even knowing.
And the opposite is also true. One compliment, one smile, one small act of kindness can change the world as well. Your one small act can change the world for the good in ways you cannot imagine, even though you likely will never know how. The coronavirus has taught us our power. Your social distancing, hand washing, and informing people when you’re sick can make a real and lifesaving difference.
In the coming weeks and months, when the virus has cleared and the sick begin to convalesce, there will be endless opportunities to do so much more. The neglected need to be reconnected, finances need to be supported, and relationships need to be rebuilt. Imagine what the sum of millions of small acts of kindness can do. It is my sincere hope that we all will take the message God is sending us to heart and make the most of the many opportunities we have every day to change the world with one small act and to truly feel the power we have. In reality, all we are is the sum total of all of our small actions, it's time we make them count.
Visit Dr. Grove's informative site here: mycovidjourney.com
(27) D.K.Milgrim-Heath, April 20, 2020 9:13 PM
It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn
It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn By D.K.Milgrim-Heath©️2020 It’s always darkest every day before the dawn- The rising sun comes into place in the morn. Another day blessed for you has begun- Look high into heaven at a new day’s sun! Appreciate each day’s beauty in its own way- Before the setting sun and darkness stills the day. Again - it’s always darkest before the dawn.
(26) Lynn Yacker, March 30, 2020 7:14 PM
Excellent article helpful for all healthcare workers and all of God's peopleA
Thank you for guiding us to look for the good inside of a bad circumstance. We do have a God who will help us fight against and avoid exponential evil with the power of His love. We can give His exponential love and good things to other people.
(25) Susan Myers, March 30, 2020 3:43 PM
The clarity of his thoughts and his direction to reveal his condition is inspirational for all of us, young and old
As a senior with a secondary condition, I am vulnerable but remarkably clear of any symptoms. Using the guidance of my community leaders, I hope to follow his traditions of following the guidelines for the sake of all of us who live through this situation.
(24) Anonymous, March 29, 2020 10:25 AM
Refuah Shleima
Wishing you a speedy recovery. May you heal quickly and return to your job of partnering with Hashem as his messenger, healing the sick.
(23) Alan S., March 27, 2020 4:58 PM
Dr. Grove is being too kind...
May Dr. Grove have a speedy recovery to excellent health.
I hate to be controversial at this point after reading such an honest and heartfelt article, but I for one would not be ‘as nice’ as Dr. Grove when speaking about this ‘one innocent and unsuspecting person’. These attributions are clearly not known at this time. I also acknowledge that at this point in the crisis, Dr. Grove is truly too smart to waste his energy on being upset or to place blame. I do not speak for the good doctor, but I interpret his paragraph about the “innocent and unsuspecting person” as his attempt to not speak lashon horah and perhaps understand the Coronavirus crisis and tie up loose ends in the context of our increasingly inter-connected world.
My sentiments are different. There will days in the future when we will analyze this situation with the sharp eye and lens of hindsight. And while this is probably not the optimum time to write this, I am outraged at the Chinese government for many reasons, but start with their open markets. This issue is known. Apparently these open markets operate the way they have done for ages, even when it has been established that many of the pathogens over the past few decades -- of those that have caused world-wide illness and death – may originate from open markets in China. The World Health Org. needs to determine the exact source(s) of this scourge and somehow makes certain that the Chinese government makes the changes necessary to ensure the world is safe from these pathogens.
(22) Anonymous, March 27, 2020 4:15 PM
Hashem heal us now
May hasem bless you and the whole world a refuah shelemah
(21) Anonymous, March 27, 2020 11:33 AM
Very touched to hear the account from a doctor. They the most vulnerable to this plague. May your acts of kindness and selflessness be remembered by the Lord God of Israel. May the Lord protect and deliver you. God bless.
(20) Anonymous, March 27, 2020 4:10 AM
Thanks for sharing and refuah sheleima!
(19) Marcia Weiss, March 26, 2020 10:10 PM
Thank you!
Thank you so much, Dr. Grover, for your dedication to the sick, and for your honesty in expressing the thoughts that we all hope that we never have to face, but that we too would be tempted to suppress.
May you have a complete refuah shelaimah. May HaShem continue to protect us and strengthen us. May we all reach out to those around us, not only in this time of need, but as we rebuild afterwards.
(18) Alexandra, March 26, 2020 9:54 PM
Refuah Shlemah
Refuah Shlemah and thank you for this educative and beautiful article, todah rabah
(17) Elizabeth, March 26, 2020 7:30 PM
Have you recovered?
(16) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 6:00 PM
speedy recovery
Dear Dr. Grove , wishing you speedy recovery and all your family stay well ! Thank you for everything that you do and hope to see you up on the floor soon.
(15) מרים דמבי, March 26, 2020 5:44 PM
Refuah Sheleima Dr. Grove!
Thank you for sharing your experience as a professional ... and a human being, just like your patients. Your sense of responsibility and ability to learn from your experience and inspire others are worthy and valuable.
Please let us know when you are feeling better, bekarov, with G-d's help.
(14) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 5:19 PM
Why did you have shabbos guests the week before?
You were infected by someone you invited to your home for shabbos. Why weren’t you being careful and responsible and not having guests?
Anonymous, March 26, 2020 6:07 PM
Wow- it’s impossible to say for sure where the exposure came from. The responsibility he had at the time of exposure given his knowledge of the situation at that time is difficult to assess as well. I feel he was abundantly cautious with his minor symptoms.
This blaming attitude is exactly the behavior this article is against. He is taking action to make the situation better. He is trying to transform a negative into a positive, informing and encouraging people.
A small act of kindness and compassion goes a long way and it is very important to be responsible in our actions.
Agree completely, March 27, 2020 5:00 AM
Bingo
Why was an icu dr having shabbos guests in the midst of the outbreak...
And he even blamed the guest for not mentioning anything....
I would not draw attention to myself for this irresponsible behavior
Nina Kotek, March 27, 2020 10:32 AM
Lashon ha ra
You can learn from others' mistakes without shaming them publicly and anonymously.
Rachel, March 29, 2020 4:00 AM
Dr probably contracted at the hospital
Where are you coming up with assertion he had guests? He first felt ill on Thursday. He contacted his supervisor the next day and began self quarantine. I expect that he became infected before the state started closing down large gatherings, etc
Anonymous, March 30, 2020 4:27 PM
Dr Grove confirms in a text
This information comes from dr grove. There is a text message from him wherein saying he was exposed to the virus from a guest he invited to his home for shabbos. If you would like to see it let me know.
(13) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 4:46 PM
Awesome Doctor
My heart goes out to this special doctor. He didn't mention being worried about his own health, only about others. Please let us know your name so that we can pray for you. And Refuah Sheleima bimheira, dear Doctor.
Keep us updated.
(12) ryan lindo, March 26, 2020 4:37 PM
Thanks for sharing this inspirational story. Refuah shleima tzaddik.
(11) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 4:34 PM
Thanks for making our day!
Thanks for making our day. Your positive article was a real uplift.
(10) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 4:22 PM
Thank you!
A wonderful narrative of what goes on in a physicians head daily, especially in intensive care settings. Between 'heal thyself' and 'primum non nocere', there a terrain that very few navigate easily. There are concerns about patients and colleagues, all the while trying to preserve ones own integrity and reputation, that make for extremely difficult decision making. Thank you for taking us through this. Get well soon...
(9) peter arendovich, March 26, 2020 3:50 PM
As he had uncertainty when had some symptoms, why did he not started to treat himself,? that had wait until tehy told him he was positive . To hell with the protocol, The individual himself have its own protocol. You have medicine , start treat yourself , as you se the symptom.
I se him as a noble individual, but sometime one himself have to be his own Gyne pig.
Phil, March 26, 2020 5:49 PM
Are you sure you're not making assumptions?
(8) Howard Druce, March 26, 2020 3:05 PM
Beautiful website
A well-produced and useful website. Beautifully written. Refuah Shelemah.
(7) benjamin b. gifter, March 26, 2020 2:56 PM
I have and had many of the same feelings. As a Mashgiach for the OU, I was in
Equador, and getting out meant being on two flights, with other Americans
being evacuated, and I wondered who and how many might be passing on the virus! I put myself in self - quarantine, and am mispallel that all those who have been infected have a refuah shleima and a chag kosher v someach!
(6) Lauren Roth, March 26, 2020 2:37 PM
Excellent!
Thank you for your wise words
(5) Shaun Anderson, March 26, 2020 2:25 PM
Outcome?
I was expecting to hear how his story turned out. I was expecting to hear about his recovery and how he reentered his work. But the story did not follow through. Please fill out these narratives the better to guide us and give us hope.
Anonymous, March 26, 2020 7:07 PM
His blog is linked in the article.
His blog was included for those who want to follow his journey. "Visit Dr. Grove's informative site here: mycovidjourney.com"
(4) Bracha Goetz, March 26, 2020 2:16 PM
Great!
Thank you!
(3) Sandra Eisenberg, March 26, 2020 2:10 PM
Thank you for all you do...
הַחְלָמָה מְהִירָה, רְפוּאָה שְׁלֵמָה
(2) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 1:25 PM
Your gift of healing
I know first hand what an amazing physician and man you are. Not only the depth of your knowledge but the words that ease the fears. “Your body is the vessel that holds your essence, your Neshamah. That’s who you are and that’s what we see!” Those were the words that gave me peace. Hashem gave you the gift to heal and you are making him and all of us proud! M
(1) Anonymous, March 26, 2020 12:29 PM
Refuah Shelema, such great wisdom and advice, thank you!