Dear Emuna,
My husband of 12 years is wonderful and loves to buy me gifts. He even has good taste. But his good taste is different than my taste. Most of the time when he buys me a present, I end up taking it back and getting exactly what I want. I know that this upsets him, but with our limited resources and my own tastes, I feel it is the right thing to do. What do you think?
– Compelled to Return Gifts
Dear Lucky Recipient,
Did my husband put you up to writing this letter? I confess that when we were first married my husband used to bring me flowers every Shabbos. They were beautiful but, it seemed to my unsentimental self, impractical. “Instead of spending that money on flowers that will just die,” I suggested, “why don’t you save it up and you can buy me some jewelry instead?” But the money always ended up getting absorbed into our budget and being used for other things – like groceries and electricity. And I didn’t even have flowers on my Shabbos table…
Despite this, I didn't learn my lesson and I still don’t keep presents that don’t reflect my taste. And I think my husband has learned to weather the disappointment. He usually prefaces his gift-giving with the offer that I can return it if I don’t like it. Most of the time he just suggests that I pick out something that I want and he'll get it for me. It may not be perceived as a romantic gesture (although I’m not sure why giving your spouse what he or she desires isn’t the ultimate definition of romance!) but at least it doesn’t get returned!
Not only do I not see the point in wasting money on items you will never wear or use but I’m not sure you’re sparing your husband’s feelings. Surely he will notice that you never wear those earrings or that sweater, that that picture has never been hung on the wall or that you never serve anything in that new bowl.
Married women are frequently counseled not to assume their husband is a mind reader. Our husbands’ job is not to intuit our needs or desires. Their job is to respond appropriately after we have laid it out explicitly. (Even if the response is “I’d love to but we just can’t afford it right now.”)
Whatever the discussion of gifts in advance lacks in spontaneity it makes up for in better communication and a much happier recipient (and giver) also.
– Emuna
Dear Emuna,
I am a single mother of one child, a daughter (her father passed away). She recently got married to a man who dislikes me for no apparent reason. He is known in the neighborhood as a jerk. Before their marriage, I developed a lousy relationship with my daughter. She put me down in an effort to relate to her husband's problem and then accused me of horrible things in her childhood. Now everyone that she knows looks down on me. I gave my daughter the best care and love that I could and sacrificed myself for her. They both disrespect me in many ways and disregard everything I've done for them. The visits to my house are barely tolerable. Now I have hardly any relationship with my daughter and my grandson of six months. I feel no feelings or joy of being grandma. I feel sad and unable to understand how my only child will allow her husband to control her and indoctrinate her with such harmful thoughts. It's devastating but I have nothing to do but to move on with my own life without them. I have no family here, just my daughter. What should I do?
– Bereft and Bewildered
Dear Bereft and Bewildered,
Wow. What a painful situation you are describing. It sounds very complicated and I appreciate that you must be sharing only a small piece of the picture.
That said, I don’t think you have many options. You want a relationship with your daughter. The price of that relationship is unconditional acceptance of the husband she has chosen. Her first loyalty is to him – and that is appropriate. (Although it certainly doesn’t require slandering her mother.)
We are tempted as parents to focus on how much we’ve given our children. This is not a productive road to travel. We give to our children because we want to, because we love them – and the wise parents has no expectations in return.
Yet all children, your daughter included, want their parents love and approval. Give it to her before it’s too late.
And if, God forbid, her marriage doesn’t work out, please refrain from saying, “I told you so.” Just be warm, loving and supportive and, please God, your relationship will slowly (I forgot to mention that you need to be very patient) return.
– Emuna
Dear Emuna,
I am in my early 80s and have been involved with Jewish spirituality for over 45 years. I have studied with several mystical rabbis throughout the years, led a Jewish meditation group for 15 years. I also lecture and volunteer with a hospice and with the Pastoral Department at a major hospital, visiting Jewish people. My problem is that most people of my age are not interested in spirituality. It is like a double edge sword. I am grateful for my path. Yet, socially, I am very lonely. I do prefer to be with Jewish people. I have attempted to reach other Jewish women and try not to introduce any thoughts regarding spirituality. They cannot connect, and it turns them off regarding a friendship with me. Their path does not interest me. I thank you for your suggestions.
– I May be Old but I’m Still Growing
Dear Old but Growing,
I respect you for your constant desire to grow and deepen your spiritual side and your relationship with the Jewish people. Many people much younger than you have already given up or stopped growing.
Nevertheless, you are describing a problem that is not unique to your age group. I frequently hear both men and women who are 20-something, 30-something, 40-something and onwards make the same complaint.
It is not that easy (depending on where you live) to find someone who cares about their Jewish life, who is driven for meaning or who wants a relationship with God. And yes, it can be lonely and difficult.
I’m sure you have many acquaintances with whom to pursue more trivial areas of interest – to discuss politics, to go to a movie or a play. For these deeper issues, it’s better to wait rather than compromise. I think it is worse to be lonely in a relationship that just to be alone. Perhaps one of the rabbis you study with could start a class (perhaps even in your home!) and those who walk through the door will be people with whom you have more common, with whom you share something more significant. It’s a good place to start.
In the meantime, work on your relationship with the one Being who will always be there for you, our Creator.
(16) shula H, June 3, 2020 12:07 PM
serving the UnNamed One
dear spiritual friend,
I felt reawakened reading your deeply felt yearning...I also have taken the spiritual road, serving HaShem after experiences of loss and metanoi,....
be happy to communicate with you. I have taught for 30 years special needs kids, and also have clung to spiritual tenets.....Keep the faith and work on happiness . bitachon, shual
(15) Anonymous, May 26, 2020 2:20 PM
it's never too late
it's never too late to find your True Soulmate-your True Besheret!
ask Hashem to bring your lives together and keep your eyes and
your heart open! if you want it to happen it CAN
happen if you ask Hashem. think of the love you would share in
each of you walking the other back home!
(14) Ellie, September 7, 2010 7:55 PM
Bereft and Bewildered No More
I have been on the other side of the "Bereft and Bewildered" dilemma for nearly 20 years. The ink on the ketubah was barely dry when my mother began her attempts to insinuate herself between my husband and myself and exert her complete control over our relationship. A controlling, unhappy woman, she still rules the lives of everyone around her. Out of fear of reprisal, no one had ever had the courage to stand up to her and say "no" to her tactics until I made it clear to her that I put my own marriage and family first, not her. The result? She threw us away-my husband, my two children and myself- 18 years ago and turned the rest of the cowards in my extended family against us with vicious lies, including accusing me of suffering from repressed sexual abuse. Our 24 year old daughter last saw her grandparents (aunts, uncles, etc) when she was 6 and they have only seen our 20 year old son twice. Naturally, he doesn't remember them and does not even know they exist now. This is a toxic woman who has poisoned many others unable to muster the strength to face her. The voluntary loss of her eldest daughter and first two grandchildren from her life has had no effect whatsoever. In fact, she has been overheard telling new acquaintances that I never existed. Meanwhile, my own children have benefitted from not having her in their lives- they are healthy, happy, successful college students who model menschlecheit behavior. Their father and I receive regular praise from others and have much naches. My point is that there are evil influences everywhere (even perhaps in our very own families) but we must follow G-d's wise counsel to squarely face these negative influences in order to live a happy life based on Torah values. And for those family members (mothers or daughters) who choose to treat each other in this way, please know that if you push someone away hard enough and often enough, they will eventually be gone for good. L'Shana Tova to All!
(13) Unlisted, September 7, 2010 6:14 PM
Use some common sense, rather than dishonoring your husband
"to #5 G-d should send you your zivug as soon as possible and bles s you with a good marriage!" (I am also #5) AMEN! Thank you. BTW, rather than making such a big deal of all this, why not just use a little common sense? If your husband has a habit of buying you gifts you don't like, and you refuse to just grin and bear it with honor, why not request from him that before he gives you a gift, he ASK you what you would like, and you can discuss it? That way it's win-win, and you're not emasculating him. A gift doesn't always have to be a surprise. Even when I'm buying a child a present, I often ask in advance what he/she would like (within reason, of course), rather than assuming I know, and it makes both of us much happier that way. Or I give the child a choice of two or three gifts that I know are within his/her range of interests and my pocketbook. For example, I recently offered a 9-year-old friend of mine for her birthday either to pick out a book, pick out some clothes, or pizza at her favorite kosher pizza restaurant, all of which I know she likes. And even within that choice, SHE also got to pick further. Turns out her grandparents had already taken her to the book store, so we went for pizza! Seems like that's Communication 101!
(12) , September 6, 2010 5:36 PM
to #5 G-d should send you your zivug as soon as possible and bles syou with a good marriage! that being said, its not chutpa. you will see when you are married that the marriage is just the beginning....you have to work on a marriage, and the gift giving is part of this effort....it is a real issue which many women face, and not all the time, but maybe just once a year! my husband and i solved this issue by simply telling eachother exactly what we want for an occasion like birthday, etc, and in times when we really cant afford gifts, we agree 'no gifts this year'!
(11) Anonymous, September 6, 2010 5:14 PM
Is not a unsolicited gift to a woman from husband an true act of love such that when the husband gives his wife a gift that she may not like (ear rings, a dress, a blouse) that the wife could wear the gift at home to show honor, love, and appreciation for her husband? If he gives an unsolicited gift, no matter how much the wife may not like it, was that not an honorable and loving gesture on the part of the husband for which the wife could show gratitude instead of disdain by exchanging or returning the gift to the place of purchase. The husband could simply have not thought of his wife at all. Do people not know how comforting it is to hold in their hands a gift given to them by a loving spouse who has since passed on? It is love that counts to me, so why do I now feel so wrong?
(10) Anonymous, September 6, 2010 4:41 AM
the gifts "quandry" ...
Wow! There are those among us who long to meet someone caring and loving who chooses to join with us to build a beautiful Jewish home who consider that the greatest gift of all would be to find each other! Should Hashem bless me in such a way, I will be grateful for this gift every moment now and for eternity, iy"H! L'Shanah tovah to everyone, and may we each discover what is truly precious in life!!
(9) Phyllis, September 6, 2010 12:29 AM
Some Husbands Should Not Give Gifts
My husband had an unexplainable aversion to gift giving it and it showed in the awful,unfitting ugly,stuff he gave. After lots of hurt feelings I finally said, "how about no more gifts, we'll celebrate an occasion with a special dinner". Keeping unused things is a waste of money and the real issue of different taste, or other issues is never addressed. Find another way to celebrate happy events that's good for both.
(8) , September 5, 2010 10:32 PM
Chabad
Maybe the 80 year old man can go to Chabad? I find it is very spiritual and mystical. They give classes like the Jewish Learning Institute on Kaballah for instance. Once you meet people at the lectures, you find more and more connections to more and more lectures and organizations and classes. Also let the rabbi and his wife know that you are looking because people might assume that a person of your age is happy with your life as it is. I think the odds are in your favor. However I have met older women who want friends and don't want to get married. However there have been several elderly romances that ended in marriage here.
(7) Penina, September 5, 2010 8:33 PM
response to the first two comments
firstly, regarding the comment that it is 'chutzpah' for a woman to assert her own tastes: that is a rather twisted way to interpret the idea of 'a proper woman"... it is clear that a man must take care of his wifes physical (ketuba) and emotional (mitzvah of ona) needs. and any torah mentch, and giving person, will want to make his wife happy. gifts are a sign of love and appreciation, not a sign of some emotionally disturbed need to have his taste dominate the relationship. that is NOT TORAH. and any man who espouses that is anything but a 'king.' a friend of mine's husband consulted his rav regarding which of two different gifts he should buy his wife as a holiday present. the rabbi's reply was instant: "buy her both!!" and regarding the second comment: we are only hearing one side of the story, and it is full of holes. but fine, you'd like to take it at face value and accept that her son in law is abusive. and has 'indoctrinated' her daughter against her mother. if so, ESPECIALLY if so, a daughter needs the love and support of an emotionally available, nonjudgmental mother. that can eventually help her get out of bad situation, or at the very least, give her source of love and comfort in her difficult life. yes, our adult children can be immature and sometimes hurt us deeply. but they still need us, sometimes even more than when they were children. and then, it is up to US not to act like 5 year olds.
(6) Anonymous, September 5, 2010 7:35 PM
Comment #2:man may be an abuser...
I don't agree that this woman should separate herself from her daughter. In fact, she should investigate the possibility that her son in law has poisoned her daughter against her in order to isolate her daughter from the help she may very well need later on in the marriage. Abusers typically do this kind of thing and anyone with experience with an abusive relationship knows that the first people to go are the parents. If this were my daughter I would let her know in the best way possible that if she ever needed me, even if we were totally on the outs with one another, that she could count on my help. I would leave it there. I would tolerate nothing that was hurtful from them. In other words, if they came to my home and said hurtful things, I would ask them to leave. Healthy boundaries dictate that we teach others how they may treat us. So this mother needs to disallow them to be abusive to her. But she better also educate herself about verbally and emotionally abusive relationships and be ready should her daughter ever really need her.
(5) Unlisted, September 5, 2010 6:54 PM
Wish I had a husband to give me gifts that aren't my taste!
You ladies are incredible! May the fact that the GIFTS that your husband has gone to the trouble of picking out and buying for you don't mesh with your TASTE be your only problem, G-d willing. What bad men they are! I would give anything to have a husband, much less one who cares enough about me to buy me gifts! What chutzpah! And what an insult to your man's ego and feelings. I don't even have a husband, and I'm smart and sensitive enough to know that! Mrs. Braverman's husband should be married to someone who APPRECIATES him...and his gifts, even though they're (chas v'shalom) not HER TASTE!
(4) Diane, September 5, 2010 6:42 PM
On Returning Gifts
In my jewelry box I have several items of jewelry that I will rarely or never wear--but will never give away. They are gifts given to me by my sons when they were very small, and their tastes were not exactly what mine were at all! Could I suggest that "Compelled.." may want to try a bit of a compromise? Exchange the truly objectionable items your husband has given you, but occasionally hang on to some of those things that could be lived with? I can only draw on my experience with my children's gifts--but I know that, if that time should ever come that I am left on this earth without them, those "ugly" pieces of jewelry will be a trillion times more precious to me than they even are now, for all that they represent.
(3) Esther, September 5, 2010 1:58 PM
comment 1 is ridiculous! Gemara: Love her as you love yourself, respect her more than yourself!
Since when does the Torah demand a woman to have the same tastes as her husband?! A woman is supposed to be a husband's eser kenegdo/helpmate: this implies that she is a different human being! A husband and wife complement each other. The lady did not refuse the gifts in a disrespectful manner. Emuna is right! A husband and wife have to communicate in order to find out what the other spouse likes and dislikes in order to give each other true honour and pleasure. Demanding that a wife or husband has to like a gift is misusing so called gifts for one's own gratification and certainly not a Jewish way of leading married life!
(2) Anonymous, September 5, 2010 1:52 PM
Regarding Bereft and Bewildered
Based on this incomplete picture there is a possibility that the wife is living in an abusive relationship. The daughter and son-in-law are showing disrespect to the parent. (Most likely there is disrespect to his parent(s) as well.) Abusive relationships do not break up that easily because they are toxic and controlling. My questions are as follows: Why should the mother give her approval? What would this be based upon? I see see the mother keeping her lips tied in order not to break up the marriage, but approval? Approval to be abused, shamed, slandered? Approval to see this taking place to her daughter and passed on to her grandson? Advice to the mother: Cut your loses. Life is too short. I have seen this far too many times. Find a life outside your family. Let your family be your community. Adopt them with all of your heart. Volunteer or do whatever your heart chooses, but run from these ungrateful people. They are adults. You have done your best. If some day your daughter comes to your door and asks for forgiveness, along with her husband, that is another story. I for one am tired of adult children behaving like 5 year olds.
(1) Anonymous, September 5, 2010 8:24 AM
It is Chutzpah for her not to accept a present from her husband. A Jewish woman does her husbands will: whatver is his taste is her taste as well. A woman on this track will make her husband feel like the true king he his