After Physical Abuse, Can My Marriage Heal?

I am in the exact same situation, and I don't think you understand what this writer is saying. Everybody thinks you can "at least put away a small amount each month." I have had to get help from agencies more than once so my electric and gas don't get disconnected. The only reason we ever have chicken or meat or fish (except for tuna cans) is Tomchei Shabbos. The amount spent on clothing is about $30 A YEAR on basics. Baruch Hashem my in-laws are able to help us financially, which has saved us from foreclosure more than once. So there is literally nowhere to get even $5 a month to save, nowhere to cut or economize. Other than davening, I don't know anything to do. And I am tired of hearing this same advice of "save a little regularly," which is based on the assumption that there is anything to cut from the budget. Our entertainment budget is zero, just whatever we can borrow from the library. We don't have cable service, don't even buy chips or soda, cook everything from scratch - much cheaper than mixes or prepared foods of any type. I don't think there is any realistic suggestion for this type of extreme but ongoing situation. "Get training for a better job" assumes you can afford that - Pell grants are not available if you already have a degree, besides which taking time for school cuts into time when we are at work to earn enough money to almost make ends meet.

Do not have you or your children ever live with him again! Even when one wants to change a mere habit, it can be difficult. And this is not a mere habit, it is a deep character flaw ingrained in his thinking that permits (in his view) abusive behavior. And he probably doesn't want to change, but wants to avoid some trouble with the legal system or jail or you if he fails to go to that therapy. You may love (what you believe is possible with) him, but not who this man now actually has become (or really always was). I mean if you just met someone and they did what he did to you, how would you then grow to love who they actually are? These men can be charmers, but this relationship is deadly. He clearly doesn't know what love is, so could not begin in a million years, much less weeks or months of therapy, to learn how to "act" like a loving husband. And it would take a long time of "acting" like a loving husband before, if ever, actually being one from his heart. You do not owe him the rest of your life. And your children deserve to know that people should not (no matter how much they may love each other) stay together when abuse happens. Let them see an example of a peaceful life not living with him, or a healthy life with you and a decent step-father. Let your kids live without fear everyday of not knowing if today is when they or you will be hurt again or worse. And the longer your kids experience this situation, the more likely they will choose the comfort of being in a familiar situation when they grow up, either as a victim or as an abuser themselves; and the less chance of figuring out how a truly loving relationship works well for both. If you do feel compelled to give your husband yet another chance to live with you, make sure the kids live elsewhere. They shouldn't have to pay for your mistakes, (not from choosing a man that turned out to be dangerous, but of having you & your kids staying with someone you've discovered over time is a danger).

Dear Looking for Answers,
Even if your ultimate goal is to continue your marriage, you must temporarily separate from your husband A) to show him that you mean business with respect to his attendance and progress in therapy; and B) to stay out of danger until the anticipated benefits of therapy kick in. I know that leaving, even temporarily, is a hard step to take, but I cannot emphasize its importance in your situation.
Good luck!

How can a woman love an abusive husband? What is there to love.about him? Maybe if she says she loves him there is also something wrong with her as well and she needs a psychiatrist.

Comment #3, Mesa, might be valid but the question is, should she take the chance?

She should not take the chance of living with him until her therapist and his therapist agree that it's safe. But the fact that he's getting help is a good sign that their home one day will be safe.

As someone who stayed in an abusive marriage for 14 years, I can tell you that although I told myself it wasn't "so bad," because it only happened 5 or 6 times in the 14-yr marriage, and he never actually hurt me enough to leave bruises or send me to the hospital, THE NEXT TIME COULD BE THE LAST!!! It's too dangerous to bank on the hope he will change! You certainly should t be living with him while he's getting the supposed therapeutic help he needs. How do you know the therapy will work? How do you know he won't relapse? How do you know he won't lose himself again in a furious moment and HURT YOU??? Do you want your kids to learn that this type of behavior is "normal" in marriage, and do you want them to marry someone who's abusive, or become abusive to their marriage partner because that's what was modeled for them in their parents' home? Kids repeat in adulthood what they were raised with! Get out now!

I was a child raised in a physically abusive home. My mother could not protect herself, so she was not able to protect her children. I begged my mother from the time I was 9 yrs. old to divorce the bast--d, but she was ashamed for the family, and thought he would/could change. Well, after spending her last $2500.00 to have him evaluated in a psychiatric hospital for a month, when he got out he told her, she had thrown her money away.
Many times when I got older , I got between him holding a knife to her, and her.
These women are sicker than their husbands!
It took me until I was blue in the face, and married with children to get her to divorce him after 32 yrs. of marriage.
One of my children saw him take a knife to my mother, and she was effected for life.
But then I saw my grandfather ( his father ) raise his hands to my grandmother who I adored, and told him not to hit my bubbe!. I was 5 yrs. old!
No the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but the women are responsible.
If either my mother or grandmother had had their husbands arrested and put behind bars, there would never be a second time.

& you deserve better! No commentary needed!!

Usually I agree with you 100%. However, your comment about "modern therapy" is the exception. As in any profession, there are good therapists and bad therapists. Some mental health workers should not be in the field at all, as they have not yet resolved their own issues. Re: The issue of domestic violence. The letter writer needs to seek advice from someone with experience in this particular field. If I had a broken leg, I would not consult a cardiologist. The same principle applies to this particular issue.

When you responded to the abused wife, it seemed like you completely missed the part where she says that he's getting counseling and therapy. That's a wonderful thing- it means that she has every right to hope that her marriage can heal. Why? Because he (the abuser) is taking responsibility and wants to be a better person, husband, and father. It does not mean that she or her children should live with him at this time, but it means that once they both get the help they need, they'll get to a point where they can be together as a family and really heal.

and I googled it. A website called Marriage Builders came up with some very interesting questions and solutions. You can look it up.

Usually I have found your responses to be well thought out and right on point, but this time I was disappointed at some of what you posted....RE: Your comments "You don’t mention if he has been violent with the children. Despite my earlier words about not judging, I would say that is completely intolerable." Likewise violent behavior towards children is intolerable, but also ditto for violence towards the wife. At the very least it models for he children a pathological view of what marriage is and creates generational maladaptive patterns in the children's lives and marriages.....I am a psychiatrist who works with people, male and female, who have been survivors of domestic abuse I agree with you that that such situations are complex but I found your answer to this woman less than adequate.....

I personally am highly suspicious of the ability of an abusive person who has gotten away with it for years to change because his wife finally called the police on him. But she's the only one who can judge what she can handle. Sometimes it's a choice between Hell Type A and Hell Type B because abusive people know how to be vengeful, too, especially after a divorce. I know of cases in which abusive people make their ex spouses's lives mighty miserable so if her life is not in danger and she may find it easier to stay in the marriage, have financial security and be a mother her children if she has any, as opposed to the brute succeeding in declaring her an unfit mother, kidnapping the children or threatening to, constantly suing her, etc. How would you respond?

The question about violence toward the children is important. In the modern age where I'm sorry I have little respect for people claiming to be therapists you predictably fail to understand her logic.

Mainly because modern therapy is all about telling people they have the right to be unbelievably stupidly selfish and the only thing that matters is feeling good about themselves unless it's taking the opportunity to have a pity party for themselves.

It's one thing to put yourself at risk with a violent spouse to try and preserve a marriage. You're an adult you can make that choice for yourself. You can be responsible for the risks.

What you cannot do is leave your children in a dangerous situation. Period.

So if the guy is violent toward the children saving the marriage isn't even a close second to protecting the children from violence.

Secondly it's a scary situation and i think emunah did a good job of providing food for thought without giving actual advice. Other than the safety of the kids which is the paramount concern and a clear determinant you just can't answer a letter like this in great detail. It's way too complicated.

I applaud her for making an actual specific referral as opposed to just saying get help.

Maybe you need to take a break from working with families until you understand her answer. She hit the nail.on the head given the situation and her level of involvement.

Staying in a physically abusive marriage is as hellish for the kids as getting abused. And yes, the safety of the wife is exactly as important as the safety of the kids. I was also surprised at Emuna's emphasis on the safety of the kids. And I am one who believes that, yes, after you have kids, you don't have the luxury of "finding happiness". Yes, once you have children, you must be absolutely determined to make a marriage work. The children didn't ask to be born into this marriage and the first rule of parenting is to make your marriage work for the kids. However, living with physical abuse is not making a marriage work. It is exposing children to a terrible, horrible world. They are better off with divorced parents. Who he is abusing is irrelevant. However, this woman's question was about a man who is seemingly ready to change. That is a different question altogether.