Dear Emuna: How Do I Fulfill My Wife’s Needs?

Since the answer to the first question was addressed to a husband, it gives him helpful advice for learning to address the needs of a wife. Your many female readers - whom, I'm sure, are nodding along with that answer and plotting how to show it to their husbands - also need to hear how to proactively take control of their marriage and transform their relationships - and it is NOT by criticizing, complaining, or instructing your husband. Like many unsatisfied wives, the wife in the example is rejecting that which her husband DOES bring to the relationship, disrespecting him and dragging down the tone of the relationship. She CAN get her desires fulfilled - but she is going about it in the wrong way. I strongly suggest Laura Doyle's book The Empowered Wife - it will transform your marriage!

If the wife craves EMOTIONAL support then she should be CLEAR about what she wants / needs. Telling the husband to go read up on what he should do is really not fair. The wife is an ADULT and should communicate as one. If this handbag meant SO MUCH to her, then the husband is certainly reacting "normally" when he thought that this would "make her happy". This was NOT a "bribe" -- it was a response to the wife's EXPRESSED WISH. As far as the husband's "not spending enough time" -- well there is no mention of the husband's job and the constraints that it imposes. Without that information, there is NO WAY to know if the wife's "complaint" is valid -- or unreasonable. It seems to me that the wife should CLEARLY express what she needs -- in other words, instead of saying "my needs are not met"... She needs to state CLEARLY (1) what her NEEDS are (and not expect the husband to figure that out by reading some books!) and (2) what has to be "done" for those "needs" to be met. Then BOTH have to see whether "(2)" is actually a reasonable request. For example (using a ridiculous extreme), if her need can only be met if her husband spends 6 hours a day with her -- then that need will likely not be met because it is probably unreasonable! On the other hand, asking that the husband spend 1 hour in the evening to chat privately with her is likely to be "doable"... but until the WIFE does "(1)" and "(2)"... it is not fair to expect the husband to just "figure it out".

I have to say that I feel sorry for the husband in the first letter. It is clear that he is attempting to meet his wife's needs. FYI: there are physical and emotional needs. Wife asked for an expensive handbag. It is shortsighted to criticize husband for buying it for her. After all; she is also an adult and surely she understands that asking for such an expensive item will mean that her husband will have to work additional hours (and thus be away) to cover the $$$ expense. Surely; wife needs to grow up and have some gratitude that she has a husband who is; clearly, trying to meet her needs. Even though she keeps moving the goalpost!

I'm a bit suspicious of Husband's motivations. On the one hand, he says he bought the bag because it meant a lot to his wife. On the other, he says that in giving her the bag, he had the ulterior motive of buying himself respite from her emotional needs. So now he feels like he wasted his money - worse, like his wife manipulated and took advantage of his good nature! (As comedian Ron White jokes about the famous De Beers tagline "Diamonds. Take her breath away!" - "Diamonds. That'll shut her up!" ) Husband unilaterally declares, "My wife has everything she needs," when apparently she doesn't. Marriage is work, peace is the reward; you don't get shalom bayis from grudgingly buying gifts in hopes she lets you off the hook for all the rest of your obligations! Here's an idea: Ask her for something concrete, as in, "What would you like me to do for you today?" and when she tells you, LISTEN and ACT. Whether it's cleaning out the garage, or going on a day trip with her and the kids, don't whine, sneer, brag, bargain or bribe - do what she asks. Keep asking, keep doing and it will pay dividends in your marriage - including reciprocity.

Your wife cannot express what she NEEDS and instead says what she WANTS. As a man, try to identify what your wife she really NEEDS. An expensive handbag is something your wife WANTS. Its not what she NEEDS. Give her what she NEEDS; whether its noticing and complimenting in things she needs appreciation for or explaination of why you are not spending thousands of dollars on a bag.

I'd go one step further with the unhappy husband: it might just be (though it might not!) that if your wife's emotional needs were met - and you need to do your HW to understand what they are - then perhaps she might not need fancy handbags. They say not to go shopping for ANYTHING on an empty stomach, not just food shopping, because unsatisfied hunger can bring a person to purchase something unnecessary in a futile attempt to fill a lack. A common everyday example is eating when you're thirsty. And possibly a yen for an expensive handbag when hungry for emotional closeness (not just physical). No condemnations - you might be trying hard but don't yet understand her emotional needs. Your writing shows that you care and want things to be better. Good luck! Re the wife with the ego - I have a relative like that who gets insulted if his wife or I don't follow his advice - he even sometimes tries to precondition my advice-seeking with a guarrantee to follow his advice! It's annoying. I want to use him as a sounding board both to here his take on things and get in touch with my own - and then think how I feel comfortable handling the issue. I like to hear his opinion because he thinks differently than I do and so might whoever else I'm dealing with. Then I want to judge freely whether I want to follow his advice or not. Your husband also has an ego! He wants to reserve his right to make his own decision after consulting with you and others. Emunah's right - you can feel good about yourself that your husband values your opinion and consults with you, but don't squash his independence by insisting that he follow your advice. Try to think of the times he has, and try not to feel devalued - just like you wouldn't want your doctor to feel devalued if you choose to seek a second opinion - a very medically sound action to take in many instances. Some doctors' egos can't take it. You probably would prefer rising above your ego rather than being like them.

Sorry, but from the description, he married a self-centered woman who wants a man who is sufficiently hard-working and ambitious to buy her the fancy things she wants and believes she is entitled to have, but spends his limited remaining time otherwise addressing her needs.

Unhappy husband would benefit from learning Jewish wisdom on being a husband, such as from SR HIrsch who wrote that a man will have grief and misery if he thinks providing money and a house is enough go make him a true father of a family. He can also check out the article on Aish.com "5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship, man in a relationship, successful relationship" for more Jewish wisdom on being a husband.