Dear Emuna,
I don’t know much about Judaism but I did learn once that husband is supposed to buy his wife some new jewelry or a new outfit for Sukkot, Passover and Shavuot. Every year I show my husband the style of jewelry I like – thin, delicate, filigreed, preferably sterling silver or white gold. And every year he gets me something completely different – usually much larger than I like and in yellow gold. I don’t want to behave like a spoiled brat. I know I’m lucky to have a husband who wants to buy me gifts, but I actually feel unheard and hurt when he brings this home. Should I be ashamed of myself? Should I just be grateful and “suck it up?” Please advise.
-- Uncertain Wife
Dear Uncertain Wife,
I hear both sides of the situation and I think a proper response incorporates both aspects.
You should definitely be grateful. All gifts deserve a thank you, an expression of appreciation. Your husband spent time, effort and resources. The gift is an expression of his love for you. You are fortunate to be married (just ask your single friends) and have a caring husband. You are, as you accurately describe yourself, lucky.
On the other hand, I understand and empathize with your dilemma. You need to gently ask (after effusive expressions of gratitude) why he ignored your requests. Presumably you will discover that he just wasn’t paying close attention (a common occurrence even with loving husbands!) and not some passive-aggressive behavior on his part.
But there is a deep spiritual opportunity here that has nothing to do with marriage. This is how the Almighty feels when we ignore His commands. This is how He feels when we say, “This is what makes me feel closer to God” even if the Almighty never suggested it or has specifically ruled against it.
If you want to feel close to another human being – or to the Almighty – you need to respond to what they want, not to what you want. Giving our spouses gifts that we like instead of what they requested defeats the purpose of gift-giving and makes the recipient feel alienated from us instead of closer.
So, too, in our relationship with God. He has made it easy for us. He has told us exactly what we need to do to get close to Him. All we need to do is follow His wishes.
Perhaps if we understand what’s holding your husband back (perhaps he wants to choose on his own and not just be told which is akin to how some of us respond to the Almighty’s commands), we’ll also understand what holds all of us back in our relationship with the Almighty.
-- Emuna
My Kids are Driving Me Crazy
Dear Emuna,
I have four kids – two girls and two boys, ages 2, 4, 6 and 8. I love them; I really do. But they’re making me crazy. Each one, in his or her own unique way, is selfish and demanding and just always pulling on me. “I need new notebooks for school.” “My shoes are too small.” “You gave her a bigger piece of cake.” “He pulled my hair.” I’m literally going out of my mind. Please help.
-- Mother on the Verge
Dear Mom on the Verge,
Welcome to parenthood. I frequently feel exactly the same way! Your description of your children is both accurate and universal. Children are selfish and they are demanding. Our job is to train them to be otherwise. But it’s not easy and it takes years (not minutes, hours or days).
The best we can do (besides our tried and true fallback of prayer) is to model the behavior we’d like them to emulate. However they act, we need to (try to) respond with patience and calm. In a quiet, gentle voice we need to take them aside and discuss where their behavior needs improving, all the while hugging them and expressing our love.
Will you always succeed? Of course not. Will you sometimes lose it and blow up? Probably. Don’t beat yourself up. Apologize for losing your temper (this models important behavior as well) and move on.
We are all works in progress. This is one of the most crucial ideas we want to communicate to our children – that we should always be working on ourselves and growing, never stagnating. So take a deep breath and keep moving forward. You won’t really lose your mind…
-- Emuna
School-itis
Dear Emuna,
Both of my daughters (elementary school age) are good students with nice friends. They don’t act out or misbehave and their homework is always done. They are also both, thank God, healthy and full of energy. Yet the youngest is always calling me from school with headaches and stomach aches and requests to come home. Sometimes I let her; sometimes I don’t. But I feel like it’s getting out of control. What should I do?
-- Manipulated Mom
Dear Manipulated Mom,
In the popular experiments with rats, scientists discovered the obvious – that rats will push a lever constantly if they always get a reward and they will stop pushing it completely if they never get a reward. But they discovered something else as well. Intermittent reward is enough to keep the rats pushing the lever indefinitely. If they get one piece of cheese every 10 or even 20 pushes, they’ll keep at it. Because maybe this will be the time another piece will come.
So, too, with your daughter. If you bring her home sometimes (sick or not), she’ll keep it up. Because maybe this will be one of those times. So the key is to try to understand why she’s doing it.
From my limited perspective and the sparse information provided, I can only suggest the most basic motivation (although it probably is the accurate one): It’s a cry for attention.
The classic response to demands for attention that are expressed in a negative fashion is to 1) ignore them and 2) look for opportunities to give positive attention. Find actions and behaviors to praise. Try to carve out some after-school private time and other occasions where she feels heard and attended to. Hopefully, with enough positive focus, the stomach aches and headaches will “magically” disappear.
-- Emuna
(16) chava, February 28, 2013 4:52 PM
not only bullying may be a problem in school
There are more reasons to be unhappy at school than bullying. Even good students may not like school. My grandchildren don't like school, although they're very good students. They often want a "day off". Sometimes a change is called for --- my grandson just recently moved to a lower level gemara class even though he was doing very well in the higher class. He didn't like the style of teaching, and is much happier now. On the other hand, kids have to learn to put up with something they don't like if it can't be changed. That's part of life.
(15) Diane, October 18, 2012 7:19 PM
Agree with observer
Perhaps your daughter has celiac disease. If her calls come after snack or lunch she may be allergic to gluten. Worth checking out!
(14) Anonymous, October 16, 2012 8:29 PM
unwanted gifts
Dear Emuna, The way you tied your answer into the way G. feels when we ignore His requests, is absolutly beautiful. And brilliant. Thank you.
(13) Miriam, October 16, 2012 5:53 PM
Kid with Stomacheache
Sounds suspicious. Something is going on. Take her to speak to someone if she won't tell you.
(12) Anonymous, October 16, 2012 11:11 AM
maybe someone is bullying her
check if she is being bullied, put down by teacher, negative encounters at school,
(11) Simcha, October 16, 2012 9:42 AM
Homesick or truly not feeling well or both?
As a now 52 year old adult, I will relate a personal experience of mine when I was 11 years old which was my first year of sleep away camp. In the middle of the night, I went to the infirmary crying and complaining that I did not feel well. I truly was sick with a fever but I believe the reason I was sick was due to the fact that I was also homesick especially because it was my first year at this camp. My parents and my paternal aunt who helped my mother with the drivng because my father didn't drive (may they all rest in peace) drove three hours to pick me up in the middle of the night. The following years, I was fine; just the first year, I was homesick. There was a minimal amount of bullying due to jealously but thank G-d everything worked out and I had good counselors. What made it more fun and interesting was that I was in the drama bunk.
(10) Observer, October 16, 2012 6:16 AM
What about a visit to the pediatrician
Something was bothering me about the letter from the mom whose daughter keeps calling to come home. Why is everyone assuming that the girl doesn't actually have a physical problem. She may be making up the symptoms, they may be genuine but not due to physical causes, but they could really be based on a real physical problem. Just because the child doesn't have fever does not mean she is not sick. And, it's possible that the problem does disappear by the time the girl gets home.
(9) A. Edwards, October 16, 2012 5:37 AM
manipulated mom
Mom: from my experience with children who complain about stomach cramps and headaches to get away from school; sometimes there is an underlying problem, such as a school bully who they are afraid of, but will not tell the parent for fear of repercussion from the said bully the next time they are in school. Or the child being called unpleasant names by other students. It is sometimes hard for children to transition from the peaceable environs of home to enter the battlefield of school. School is not only a place of book knowledge, but also a place where the child interacts physically with other students; and there they learn to make their own choices, especially in choosing friends. students of like-mind usually stick together, and here is where bullying comes into play. If your child is on the quiet side of the fence, he/she will be a target for the bully who succeeds through manipulation and intimidation. hence the complaints about stomach cramps, headache etc. I must say this is not always the case, but sit down and talk to the child, and find out if anything is going on in school that she is not telling you.
(8) Anonymous, October 15, 2012 8:17 PM
For Mother on the Verge
As a mother of several children, I can relate to the feeling of being driven to the edge. I'd like to recommend two books that I found very helpful. I believe that if a parent reads and follows these two life-changing "bibles" on parenting, they will never need to read another word! One is the bestselling "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" and the other is Miriam Levi's "More Effective Jewish Parenting" (it's a second edition). They are worth the investment!
(7) Beth Gibson, October 15, 2012 7:56 PM
Lost Opportunity—Gifts
My husband is dead. Please, accept your husband's maladroit gifts in the spirit in which they are given. And wear them, if not with pride, with love. My husband would give me new perfume every year. Well, there is only one, really, I liked to wear and I'd give away the others. Death is such a clarifying act. Wear the stuff. Thank him with love and give him love. There will be a day you can't do that and even having brought up the issue, you will painfully regret.
(6) Pauline, October 15, 2012 6:36 PM
Regarding children with stomach aches:
Yes, I agree my first thought was 1 is she being bullied? 2 Maybe she does just need more time with mom. And 3, maybe this could be a health problem (particularly if after lunch). My son's stomach was not the same for a year after a particular antibiotic. Probiotics helped his stomach a lot. Also, my daughter, when only 6 years old, had appendicitis. For two days she went to school and even played a bit, with her stomach "kind of" bothering her. Just to be safe I took her to the doctor, where we found out how bad it was. Note, we almost went home from the doctors waiting room (we'd been there 2 hours, late at night, and she was now feeling fine). It turns out that when the appendix burst, all pain is gone, for awhile. Hers burst while in the waiting room, but luckily re-encapsulated. In children the symptoms can be just a mild stomach ache. Not gut wrenching and on a particular side, as in adults. Any stomach ache that continues more than a day, in a child, should probably be taken quite seriously.
(5) Anonymous, October 15, 2012 12:23 AM
Is there room for differences of opinion?
I thought Mrs. Braverman's answer to the "gifted" was very astute and her response to the overwhelmed mom was right on target. I do agree with the other concerned commentators that the chronically calling student warrants closer investigation. But does a difference of opinion call for divorce Sandra? Even the best baseball player does not have a perfect record, and neither does a medical practitioner. Mrs. Braverman is not required to be anymore omniscient than any other human. I do agree with her point regarding inconsistency in the mom's response (and bullying is not the ONLY reason a child would want to get out of going to school.)
(4) Chaya, October 14, 2012 7:37 PM
To Uncertain Wife
A suggestion from personal experience, how about making it a date and going to pick out a piece of jewelery together?
(3) Sandra Wosk, October 14, 2012 5:03 PM
Bullied
Emuna... I think you are way off base here. You didnt even take in to account that this child might be being bullied and for you to say that this is probably because she is playing the sypmpathy role is not encouraging me to read any more of you Q & A. That you would ignore a fundemental reason doesn't give me confidence in your answers.
Observer, October 16, 2012 6:04 AM
Need for attention IS fundamental
While I agree that it is important to make sure that nothing else is going on in school, one of the best ways to do that is to do exactly what Mrs Braverman suggested - give the child some more attention. If she gets to spend time with her mother, and she sees that Mom is really listening to her, she's FAR more likely to open up than if Mom starts probing, no matter how sympathetically, empatheticly and non-judgmentally. That's nice because need for attention IS actually fundamental - it's a very basic and strong need. And, because it's such a common cause for this type of behavior, it's a very good starting place anyway.
(2) SusanCd, October 14, 2012 3:17 PM
It could be something real -- and worse
I think there may be something else going on. Your little girl may be being bullied -- either emotionally or physically -- by other students in her class. I hate to be thinking it, especially with respect to children who are obviously from observant, dedicated Jewish families. But if your daughter is trying to escape the taunts or threats of children in her classes, her only "out" may be to ask to be brought home. The bullying may be over something as innocuous as her wearing glasses, or dropping her books in class. Whatever it is, it may be making going to school a painful or frightening experience. Ima -- I think you should dig a little deeper..
(1) miriamwcohen, October 14, 2012 2:54 PM
pay attention to that child who wants to come home from school
I disagree with Emuna;your daughter is telling you that something is not right at school. Check that out before you think she needs attention. You are lucky that she is talking to you and letting you know she is unhappy. And check out her health status too.
Anonymous, October 14, 2012 8:50 PM
Agree w suggestions
Agree w suggestions. Have a heart-to-heart conversation without judging her, let her know you are concerned by showing compassion. Also wise to have checkup with the pediatrician. (Sometimes things such as strep quietly surface through stomach aches, etc.)