Dear Emuna,
I am invited to traditional Orthodox wedding. The groom is the eldest son of my same-sex female partner. We have been together for ten years and the groom is happy that I will attend with his mom, who will be honored as mother of the groom. The groom and I get along well but he requests that I tell other guests that I am a family friend. I am willing to do this but this is very painful that despite my important role in his life all these years, I must hide. I am afraid that people will think it is unusual that a family friend comes 3,500 miles for a wedding. Any suggestions? Thank you,
-- Invisible
Dear Invisible,
Yes, I’m going to avoid the elephant in the room and answer only the question asked.
We have a special commandment to make the bride and groom happy. This frequently takes the form of dancing for them and entertaining them. But the form is less important than the substance. This is their day. This is the time to focus on their needs and wishes.
Yes there are some Bridezilla-style TV shows that have made a mockery out of catering to the bride – just as they have made a mockery out of the brides themselves. But I’m not talking about the caricature of the spoiled, self-centered bride who’s obsessed with the flavors of the wedding cake. In fact, I’m not really discussing the bride’s – or in this case the groom’s – behavior at all. What’s at issue here is our behavior in response to them.
There are many potentially awkward situations at weddings today – with divorces and blended families and all manner of configurations. A wedding is not the time to sort them out.
It is not the time to make a statement about your role in the family, your closeness to the couple, and certainly not about your “sexual orientation.” It is not about you.
So, of course, go to the wedding. Accede to the groom’s wishes. Since you really care about him, be happy to do what he wants and put your own needs aside for his special day – as all those who truly love the bride and groom should do.
As for being afraid of what others will think, let me assure you that they probably won’t think about you at all! But if they do, it will be in glowing terms – how lovely of you to have flown so far for the wedding. That’s certainly how we felt about those who flew from North America to Israel for ours!
-- Emuna
Teachers Getting My Daughter
Dear Emuna,
I feel like my daughter’s teachers don’t really understand her. She’s bright and talented and gets good grades but she doesn’t fit into any mold. She can’t easily be defined or characterized and they’re often not sure what to make of her. I want them to appreciate her strengths the way we do and I get discouraged when they don’t. Any thoughts?
-- A Mom
Dear Mom,
Unfortunately sometimes even the best of teachers are still human beings, trapped by their prejudices, stereotypes and perhaps lack of vision. They are also frequently constrained by classroom size and scarce resources. They can’t really give each child the attention they deserve. They can’t really take the time to get to know each child as well as they would like. They put each child in a pre-assigned box to facilitate their teaching process. They teach to the middle and some children on both ends of the spectrum – either gifted or challenged – may fall through the cracks.
This is a somewhat gloomy picture but it’s important to be realistic and to recognize one basic and crucial idea. School is NOT a substitute for parenting. Once your kids attend school full-time you are not off the hook. Your job is just more complicated.
It would certainly be ideal if your daughter’s teacher really “got” her. It is certainly worthwhile to take some time to try to discuss the situation with her. But, ultimately, making your daughter feel loved and appreciated for her unique characteristics is your job. (This is the job of all parents!)
Sometimes we do it in conjunction with the school. Sometime we do it despite the school. But, whatever her school experience, the most important thing is that she knows you love her, you “get” her, you appreciate her unique and special qualities – and you think she is just terrific!
-- Emuna
Feeling the Grind
Dear Emuna,
I've been happily married for almost ten years and I've been blessed with four wonderful children. My husband's financial situation has never been great; we've never lacked for anything, but money never seems to be enough and my husband suffers to pay the credit cards at the end of each month. As the family grows, so do the expenses. Various businesses my husband has been involved in haven't succeeded. I often find myself encouraging him and telling him that it is God's will for things to work this way, and that someday we will have the lifestyle we are looking for. The problem is that nobody encourages me, and as time goes by I'm starting to lose patience and to become desperate about the fact that business isn't working. What can I do?
-- Worn Down Wife
Dear Worn Down Wife,
I understand how you feel. It is difficult to always be the cheerleader for others, especially if you don’t feel that you have anyone in your corner. Add to that your financial burden and I see how you’re come to feel oppressed.
But there seem to be a few unanswered questions here. Do you also work? Is there a reason you can’t get a job and possibly relieve some of the financial pressure? That would seem to be an obvious first step.
Does your husband give you support in other non-financial areas? Does he help with the kids? Does he compliment you on your parenting, on what a wonderful wife you are? If he does, why is that not satisfying to you? If he doesn't, now is certainly the time to ask him to start!
You begin by stating that you are happily married. That is an enormous blessing. You need to keep refocusing on the good in your life, and the good in your husband, especially during these trying times.
Please note that we are all living in an economically challenged world. Everyone is struggling and good jobs are hard to come by. It really isn’t your husband’s fault. Additionally, as you mentioned, Jewish tradition teaches that our income for the year is determined by the Almighty every Rosh Hashanah. Once we recognized and accept this, we understand that, as long as we make a reasonable effort, the outcome (or in this case income!) is out of our control. This should be freeing and should remove all blame or self-recrimination.
Most of all, it should enable you to look at your circumstances as a challenge for the two of you to confront together and as an opportunity to grow closer in the process. You are allies in this battle and should be nurturing and supporting each other. Sit down with your husband to discuss this issue. And plan your battle strategy together.
-- Emuna
(18) SusanE, May 29, 2015 12:34 AM
No one is lying and no one is being hidden.
About the groom's Mothers partner. Where is the lie. How can she say she must hide? She is invited to the wedding. She is surely a family friend. If the Mother was with living a male partner, would he be introduced as a lover or as a life partner? No he would be introduced as a family friend, also. Especially at an Orthodox gathering, friend is appropriate because it is true. The details of their relationship at the time of the son's wedding should not be announced. - - - If after 10 years this issue hasn't been addressed by his Mother and her partner, it can wait until after the wedding.
(17) Amber, September 19, 2012 9:35 PM
When does the lying end?
Does the partner also need to keep lying when she attends her future grandson's brit? Does she also need to keep up the charades at her future grandchildren's bar/bat mitzvah? What about if the the son, his wife, or if one of their children pass away (Heaven forbid!) & she attends the funeral...does she still need to lie to people? Every time the mother and her partner show up to a significant event in the son's life, they will be around the same friends & family that they lied to originally at the wedding. Sooner or later, they will catch on. People aren't slow.
(16) Anonymous, August 16, 2012 11:05 PM
The proper outlook
This writer makes a crucial error. She writes: "My husband's financial situation has never been great." HIS salary may not be great. But it is THEIR situation. When she can learn to write OUR situation then, and only then is she on the right road.
(15) Gabbrielle, August 3, 2012 1:40 PM
Stay in the closet, 1 more day...
Furthermore Emuna, Let us stay in "hiding" just one more day and deal with the issue as if marriage wasn't in the agenda. In previous days was there full acceptance and openness about discussing rolls of each in certain events, o se this one? Yes, foucus shouldn't be about her feelings, regardless of your religion, deal with that earlier not on others shinning moment.
(14) Ellen, August 2, 2012 2:57 PM
so saddened by this lack of respect
I think it is really amazing that "Invisible" made herself vulnerable and showed her open-mindedness and compassion (for/towards the groom and orthodox practice and culture) by writing to you for advice. It saddens me so that your response would be so disrespectful in tone, regardless of how you think she should handle this difficult situation. Why on earth would you write that it's not about her "sexual orientation" - why the sarcastic, unnecessary, disrespectful quotation marks around the phrase? Why even use the phrase or point out that the wedding isn't about her sexual orientation? She is not the one making a big deal of this! The ones who are making this about her orientation are the ones who are asking her to lie. You inexplicably refer to an elephant in the room.. yes, address the question she's asking - that's why she's asking it! She never asked for your input on anything else. As far as the question itself, I agree with others that asking her to lie is wrong - and as someone else said, where does it end? How sad that someone would treat his mother (and her partner of *ten years*) this way on his wedding day. I know if I were his mother, my joy for him would be mixed with a very heavy heart.
Evelyn, August 5, 2012 2:39 PM
Saddened
It seems to me Ellen, that you got caught up in your emotions. The question was asked about lying. Truth be told, she is a friend, regardless of how much of one. I agree with Emuna, no one asks the degree of your relationship, and no one wonders why one would fly so far. It's very common. I don't think it's SAD that someone is TREATING their mother this way. It's his wedding day and hes' putting his differences/emotions aside and has full right asking her not to announce the status of their relationship. He didn't ask her NOT to come. If that was the case, your SADDENED response may have some validity, although the groom would still be in the right. I am sure it's a difficult situation for the Groom and this is HIS day.
Allie, August 5, 2012 8:19 PM
Agreed
I agree with Ellen, most particularly about the "sexual orientation" part. It was incredibly disrespectful. Emuna, if you needed to specifically add something about sexual orientation, there was no need to make the comment derisive in this way. That Invisible wasn't made in the image you think she should have been gives you no right to belittle her or her lifestyle. It is small-minded and only serves to tarnish other people's perception of YOU.
CG, June 11, 2014 4:58 AM
"Sexual orientation" is in quotations because it is a false construct. The gay movement wants us to think that an "alternate sexual orientation" is an intrinsic part of a human being. This is utter falsehood. I don't deny that someone may be attracted to a member of the same gender. There are reasons for that; however, this does not change their "sexual orientation."
Considering that the letter writer is addressing her question to an Orthodox columnist, she must expect that the answer will come from an Orthodox perspective. Neither the letter writer nor you need agree with it, but really, a little open mindedness is called for on YOUR part.
anon, February 12, 2014 8:44 PM
gosh, its so sad how many immoral people there are in the world and how many people are supporting them! seriously, it is a big skeleton in the closet for this groom, and im sure he's quite embarrassed by it, and will continue to be embarrassed by all the future celebrations as has been mentioned...think of his sweet kids and how he wont be able to explain their relationship to her, without them thinking of her as disgusting
(13) lowell, August 1, 2012 7:31 PM
have some guts and address the elephant in the room
you hardly addressed the question. without facing the ugly reality of homophobia you're missing the major point of this question. at my traditional black hat wedding we didn't ask our gay friends and family to pretend to be something they weren't and it disappoints me when I hear someone else act that way. she's her partner, people who don't like it or claim it "ruins their joy" should deal with their issues, not ask others to deny themselves.
(12) Anonymous, August 1, 2012 6:39 PM
To commenter #5 Scott: Are you are a teacher as well? If you are, I hope you do not go around telling the children that they are not important to the world at large. I would have been crushed if any teacher had spoken to me that way. However, I agree that parents need to be involved in their children's education. My son exhibited musical gifts and performed in the school chorus, but I chose to have him take private piano lessons as well. Granted, private lessons in any endeavor can be costly. However, if parents can afford it (and yes, I know there are many parents who cannot afford it), then it is a great investment for the child. I also agree with the idea of getting children involved in volunteer work and/or internships. Education does not stop simply because the last bell for the day has rung.
(11) Anonymous, August 1, 2012 6:29 PM
Yes, of course a wedding is about the bride and groom. Of course the mother and her partner want to make the bride and groom as happy as possible. I have however, just one question. Where does it end? If the groom does not speak truthfully about this mother's relationship with her partner at the wedding, will he be inclined to be truthful in the future? What happens when grandchildren come into the picture? I agree the politics are not being pushed here. If anyone asks, the groom can simply reply that is his mother's partner. Also, anyone who would DARE make a fuss about the relationship is committing lashan hara.
(10) Judith, August 1, 2012 6:03 PM
Her job is being a mother.
I think your answer "it's not about you" regarding the wedding, is excellent. I was most disappointed with your response to a mother of 4 who is married for not even 10 years. Of course there's a reason why she shouldn't get a job, it's because she has 4 young children! Her job is being their mother.
(9) Lisa, July 31, 2012 3:58 PM
It's a balancing act. Yes, it's the bride and groom's special day. But I don't like the columnist's line about it not being the time/place to make a statement. Nobody's pushing politics here. My answer would be- "If asked, answer "that's my mother's partner". Period. End of story. If asked "what kind of partner>", answer "life partner". It's not pushing anything on anybody. It's answering truthfully to a query somebody else initiates- while not making the partner (10 years! Not fly by night!), feel less-than. I suspect that if lesbianism weren't involved, the answer would be different. Is the reference to "Elephant in the room", the actual question "Why are the ladies together"? Gay- "loving relationships between people of the same sex"- happens. Let's all get real please.
Fay, August 1, 2012 2:00 PM
What about respect for traditional Jewish values?
After all, this is an Orthodox wedding we are talking about here! Why fly in the face of everything that Orthodoxy holds dear - so that we can validate actions that are clearly against the Torah?? I'm very disappointed that this question was printed here at all - very very inappropriate, Emunah.
Sue, August 2, 2012 1:53 PM
She should stay home
This is an orthodox wedding ,why do you want to push your gay agenda?if you truly love this young man, stay away and don't make his wedding into a spectacle.My feeling is he doesn't want you to attend but doesn't want to hurt his moms feelings by saying so.
Mk, August 7, 2012 3:14 AM
Seriously?
Heaven forbid Emunah should address an issue that comes up in the real world (which, apparently, you're not a part of). What part of her response was "inappropriate?" maybe you should just stick to HaModia.
T.B., August 1, 2012 10:49 PM
As an orthodox Jew, the groom is being very real. The elephant-in-the-room-question basically boils down, in very simplistic terms, to whether or not you believe in the Bible, which clearly states G-d's opinion on the matter.
(8) Sara, July 31, 2012 3:51 PM
Asking her to be someone else
I don't agree with your response about the groom's request. It's hurtful and unnecessary to request that she pretend to be someone else just to appease potential homophobes. Yes, the wedding day is about him. But it's doubtful that she would go around announcing her relationship to the family. She's not throwing it in anyone's face or demanding they accept her lifestyle. She should be able to just simply say, "I'm his mother's partner" (or something along those lines) and let it go at that. I think that trying to hide their relationship will be much worse further down the line, especially if people find out she lied. Shame on him for asking her to lie and ultimately denying her inclusion in his family.
(7) helen porath, July 31, 2012 2:59 PM
when kids behave properly in class, everyone gets noticed!
People ask:"How can a teacher respond to a student's special needs when there are 30 kids in the class? Make classes smaller." Well, I'm 71 years old - was born and raised in England. We invariably had over 40 kids in our classes throughout all my schooldays, and I remember each and every child that I ever sat in class with. Each had their distinct character and idiosyncracies, and we were able to appreciate each other because in those days, pupils sat in silence while the teacher stood in front of them and taught. Freed from having to waste energy and time "keeping order", our teachers were fully aware of each child sitting in their class. We knew by the personal observations that teachers made in our end-of-term report cards. We didn't have this awful situation, for example, of a couple of trouble-makers taking all of the teacher's attention by trashing the lesson. It wasn't allowed to happen, and parents supported the teachers!!! If only parents and educators today understood the value of making kids behave in class.
(6) Scott, July 31, 2012 7:40 AM
Parters son's wedding
I lived in San Francisco for ten years and have developed many long lasting friendships with people who happen to be gay. It’s not a question of whether I think homosexuality is right or wrong, I support gay rights because I don’t think that my friends should be denied jobs, or housing or legal and physical security because of a particular aspect of their personal lives that is none of anyone else’s business. Freedom is about being able to make choices that others don’t like so long as they don’t cause direct harm to others. (Remember that as Jews there are a lot of people around the world that feel that we should be denied these things because they feel that their G*d has declared us wrong-when they get done with the gays-we’re always next) And I support this idea with my words, my money and my time. But not always like I should. At times I am a coward. It’s hard to be brave every day. Some days I want to just get by. Some days I want to be special myself and not spend the energy to fight the battles of the world. Your partner’s son probably fights the good fight plenty. It’s just that for one day-one special day- he wants a vacation from the fight. He wants to be special-more special than the battles of the world for one day. Give him his day as a special gift because it’s hard to do. I promise he understands what he’s asking and will cherish that gift. I would. Mazel Tov on the wedding. That’s what really important here, isn’t it?
(5) scott, July 31, 2012 6:53 AM
Children need to "get" their teachers
My mom was a teacher. My sister was a teacher. I have taught kids in various activities. And I gotta tell you that getting 30 kids to sit down, shut up and do their work is a monumental task today. Especially since every parent seems to want the teacher to "get" their kid. You should volunteer to teach a class of kids at your shul and see how much time you have to "get" each kid in the hour you see them. You need to "get" your daughter. Your family needs to "get" your daughter. Her friends, the people in your synagogue, maybe even your neighbors need to "get" her. The teacher doesn't. Part fo the learning process in school is her learning that she's really not that important in the world at large. Her self esteem needs to be based on her accomplishments and the feedback she gets from the people that matter in her life-the people that should "get" her. She's in school what...eight hours a day? That gives her sixteen hours in your world to build the self esteem necessary to function in a world that does not revolve around her. Emuna said it...schools aren't designed to parent kids. They're there to teach reading writing and arithmatic (and spelling). Want to challenge your kid more? After school activities. Volunteer opportunities. Internships. Or a simple home-based learning curriculum to supplement what is going on in school. Please don't add another burden onto the back of the teacher by telling him'her she has to parent your kid as well.
(4) Jeanne Lewis, July 31, 2012 3:35 AM
Friend of the groom
What a brilliant response to the'family friend' of the groom. All too often we think the situation is all about ourselves. Thank you for scratching the silver off the mirror and allowing us to see through the glass.
(3) Michele, July 31, 2012 12:33 AM
Mother of the Groom's Partner
Thank you so much for your insightful and amazingly respectful response. Of course, you're right! It's our (the guests) job to "happify" the bride and groom, to put aside our own feelings, our worries, our stresses and emotional baggage, and help create an amazing and special moment that the newly weds will cherish forever.
(2) Anonymous, July 30, 2012 10:22 PM
excellent handling of delicate topic
Kudos to Emuna for tactfully and masterfully handling the question of the groom's mother "partner". Right on target with your answer. Keep up the great columns.
Anonymous, June 11, 2014 5:00 AM
Agreed!
Agreed!
(1) Reuven Frank, July 30, 2012 7:31 PM
One more cheer
In response to "Worn Down Wife": I don't have the exact source or quote; But, somewhere in Perkei Avot it says, "Those who cling to the Tora (and its ways), in Poverty, will eventually cling to it in Wealth. It might not help things out right this minute, but hang in there. It's coming!