Dear Emuna: My Short Husband

"Was not short but wanted to be taller. I have always been the same height as my best friend Susan but now I’m three inches taller. She is 5'10. The results are fantastic and I can not believe my own eyes." http://bit.ly/1KYKzS7

When Hosea and I met he smoked. Later when we started dating he knew how much I disapproved of smoking so he "quit". My father had health problems because of smoking and I had mentioned to Hosea that I would never marry anyone who smoked. We married over 30 years ago and we have had a good marriage. We have both grown spiritually and have a good relationship except for one area. Shortly after we were married I showed up unexpectedly at his work and he was smoking. He quickly tried to hide it. (I did not mention it until we were alone at home because It would not be proper to possibly embarrass him in front of other people). He admitted to me at home that he had never really quit smoking, but that he tries to quit continually and had only recently picked it back up. Well here we are over 30 years later and he has never quit. I have continually struggled with the feeling that if he would lie to me about this, he could lie to me about anything. He has never given me any other reason to be hurt, except for regular things that most men do. You know what I mean.... He needs to quit for the sake of his health and I think it is a bad witness, especially to our grown children whom I have never spoke to about this, but good grief they have to know. My grown son works in the same place as he does. One of our daughters is also is a "closet" smoker. I very rarely nag, but I want him to know that it makes me feel distrust when I "catch" him smoking. AND he always says, "I had quit, I just started up again a few days ago." REALLY? How many times do I believe that one? Last time, which was about 1 month ago, he once again said the same thing and I told him that I don't think he understands what my issues are. Number 2: I am concerned about his health. Number 1: I don't think smoking is going to set him apart from G_d, but the lying is what sets him apart from G_d and hurts our relationship. What can I do?

Dear Hurting,
I feel so sorry for you. I went through something like that but not entirely.However my sincere advice to you is, as much as it is nice to work on saving marriages, this one is not worth it. BELIEVE me, please.He will not change. From his age,Ii see his parents are not very old and may be around for a long long time.They will make your life miserable I assure you. Get out NOW,I mean it. NOW. They will put you in your grave before they go. Don't wait-PLEASE !! This is not going to change. My heart breaks for you.

....... CONTINUATION .......I had a place to live, and that way he did not have to pay for one of his own. so, I was convenient for his plans and security of his own future....... He is also passive but at times he WAS passive aggressive if the subject of his parents came up. I am friends with his family, and have seen tears in his dad’s eyes once before when we were divorced for a couple of years but went to eat with them in a restaurant. I supposed his dad knows of his son’s issues……. In addition, he seems to always be sick of one thing or another……. Like a hypochondriac and it seems that he feels loved when he is sick and gets his mother’s attention. Strange indeed……. Other times, when he wanted get off of something he suddenly became ill. I am using present and past tense in this e-mail, because the behavior he had when he was with me, has gotten worse now that he is still with his parents. Your story reminded me so much of my own……. I wish you good luck, and more than anything else blessings and the strength you need to make a wise decision for you and your family. Ask yourself this question: If you and him were to divorce, where would he go to? If you end up divorcing, then make sure and put it in writting CLEAR BOUNDARIES between your children and their grandeparents and waht type of conversations ARE OUT OFF REACH between your children and their grandparents. Mothers is law should understand something, their obligations is with their husbande not their sons or daughters. It is sad, but think of yoiu and your children, life goes on and I will pray for you and for G-d to give you wisdom and help you hurt less and coming to terms with this situation. MAY G-D BLESS YOUR CHILDREN AND YOU AND LIGHT YOUR PATH DAY AND NIGHT. MAY HE HEAL YOUR HEART AND GIVE YOU STRENGH TO CHOSE WISELY FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. Happiness is a choice and a commitment, you are commited, but he seems not to be commited to his own life and independency.

Mrs. Hurting, I was on your shoes. I know how you feel and I am hurting for you as well. I went to counselors, psychologists, psychiatrics, friends, family for advice……. I change who I was to accommodate to him, we went on vacations ONLY with his parents. His mother would change my house furniture when I went on a trip abroad due to property I had abroad. It was whatever they said what went, nothing else. I tried and tried, I asked him to go with me to counselors and he went only against his will and did not participate. He would tell the counselors that he was happy with relationship, that it was me the one that had issues. He did not even want to be intimate as his parents were not intimate most of the time. When I mentioned it was time for us to have children, he said he like him and me only and not children. It was his mother who always comments quite negatively about children. She had three and it might just have been a miracle the way it happened……. Yet two of her offspring refused to have children because of how she raised them to feel negatively about children. The day I finally GOT THE MESSAGE is when the counselor asked him if he had to choose between his parents and me, who he would choose. He responded: “My parents put clothes and feed me when I was little. I would choose them” It was truly over for me then, and I had to pick up the pieces and move on. I called his father and asked him to please come to pick up his child. His dad opposed to the divorce, but I told him he had chosen them not me, so he could go back from where he came. As of right now, he is going to be fifty years old in one month and a half and he is still living with his parents. He is an adorable man and he is extremely responsible when it comes to his family. I do not resent him anymore, I truly feel sorry for him. It seems to me he never wanted to establish anything by himself and he came to me not for love, it was just convenient for him. TO BE COTINUED....

If your misgivings about your husband's height has been there from the get-go and it remains something you are unable to let go of, you are faced with a choice: work towards finding sufficient balance such that this negative gets put in the perspective of all else. If height is the main negative but it overwhelms all the positives, even after working on the issue (btw, if you choose to go into therapy, make sure that you exclude your husband, else, divorce is almost certain: individual therapy too often focuses on everything that's wrong in your life). If, OTH, your focus on his height is something that came on gradually, there's propably something else going on in the relationship, maybe even something that you're not actively aware of. In that case, I'd suggest (again) counseling, but it should be joint not individual and the primary focus should be the marriage as you attempt to grapple with the underlying issue that your yetzer hara has hidden by helping you focus on the unchangeable - your husband's height. The difference between the two: in the first case, you need to focus on your own issues but you need to also make sure your husband is included in the process. In the second case, the primary work is with your husband as you peel back the layers of habitual patterns to uncover the dynamics that cause you pain that you're only able to experience indirectly.

You will need help no matter what you do. See a rabbi and your husband will have to have very limited time with his parents. Plan that is there is a divorce that there will be boundaries with consequences for over stepping them written into the custody agreement for the sakes of your sweet children. They will be pawns in this mess. My ex husband and I divorced over his parents and our children became pawns. They are now 22 and 21 and have limited contact with their father and his parents because of how they were. My custody agreement wasn't fair to me, but I made no deals with them so I didn't owe them and our time was sacred. My ex married a woman who had some major issues and i could only laugh when I heard stories on Dominant MIL clashing with Crazy. His new wife HAD to have her vices and alternate reality to handle his family. Also, put yourself into the observer's position. You can't be waiting for your husband to figure things out. You have to look at what YOU want in this relationship. Do you want to celebrate holidays with these people? Yes, you have to look out for your children and they are better off with you two being together, but being with a passive with a seductive pull like his mother to buy him "stuff" and make things easy is almost like being married to someone who can't resist drugs so they can cope.

That you decided to write to Emuna says that you are not shallow and you are very introspective. But I think you need to go deeper. What is really bothering you? Everything is part of a bigger picture. Is he gaining weight? (An extra twenty pounds on a short person is more obvious than an extra twenty on a taller person.) The flip side is that if he starts to work out, he will be buff faster. Short men as a tall friend likes to say, "are at the bottom of the babe chain!" OK, this isn't true, but are you feeling like this sometimes? Do you go places and feel insecure like how this reflects on you? Does he tell you to not wear heels and want to somehow equalize you to him? Do you have friends with taller husbands who you find attractive? Do you have friends who have made comments about short men and you are thinking, "She's right!" Do you attribute certain annoying personality traits to him as being because he is short? A short person who was a jerk, in my father's mindset, was, "He has a shortman's complex!" The same attitude in a tall person was perceived as merely that the guy was just a jerk, or he was assertive. I really think you are showing a symptom and that the problem is elsewhere. If you see it an identify it, you can come to terms with it and get past it. One of my fellow PTA mommies looks like Tyra Banks and she is married to a guy who looks like Danny diVito. He is ALWAYS complimenting her height and making her feel like she could be Tyra Banks, building her up when she is not with us, and looking at her with admiration. She acts like he is Brad Pitt. (Not that Tyra and Brad-- no! LOL) I think you can overcome this once you figure out the root of the problem.

I normally do not like to be judgmental, but you sound like a very self entitled, selfish , and superficial woman. You should be so lucky that your husband's shortcoming (pun intended!) is that he is short. You are lucky enough to have a husband who is "kind, hardworking" etc and you are complaining about something so superficial? Give me a break! I bet you're not perfect in your appearance either; I hope you don't get fat except it would be karma if he wrote back something snobby about your appearance. As a woman, I am amazed and ashamed by the sense of entitlement women have these days!

She says that he is kind and hard working and perhaps glazing over things. She isn't telling us traits of his that we see. My husband is oblivious to one of our middle school sons swearing and doing a bad job with the dishes. On the surface, he is kind and hardworking, but at home, even if the house is clean and I am being pleasant to draw him out, he is on his smart phone. My husband is over weight-- his weight was driving me bonkers, then I realized that his other traits bothered me more and that the excess weight was superficial because being mad about his weight was an easy turn off. Seeing how he allowed our son to treat me, and his brothers and sisters, and do a bad job on chores, was the REAL problem and harder to deal with! People present a problem it seems in 50 words or less here-- more facets need to be considered.

to judge someone you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about? The next time you feel inclined about applying adjectives to other people, just remember that silence is golden. Better still, go read Psalm 34:13

This is a sad story to me. Where is the LOVE? Maybe she dosn't understand love. Why then did she marry ? For money maybe. You could buy him some elevator shoes, some can make you 3 inches taller. Maybe some escalator shoes that keep rising until he ain't no more........................

II am also baffled by the realization that your husband is short. He was when you met him, went out with him and married him. I do not think his height has changed but maybe some else in the marriage has changed. Perhaps you need to look deeper into your feelings and be truthful about why this has become bothersome. We have a friend who was married for 5 years, a few kids. The marriage was not good at all but he really wanted to make it work. The wife kept on telling him to do various things, change his glasses, trim his beard, wear different style clothes, take up jogging – all the name of getting the marriage to work. When she told him to have cosmetic surgery to fix a facial scar that he had from before marriage he finally realized that things were not going to work out. They did not – he is happily remarried she is not. He is what he – same for your husband – this is who he is. I really feel that there is something else bothering you about him –maybe he is not assertive, meek or whatever. I wish you menucha and shalom bayis.

Personally, I completely sympathize with the wife who was bothered by her short husband. She should be! Why should anyone in this day and age have to suffer through a lifetime of something he or she doesn't want, when we all know everything can be cured and made better right away. All we have to do is want it enough and daven to Hashem enough and He'll give us whatever we want - even change our height! One day my wife told me she was fed up with my height, and I said, you know, honey, you're right! I'm going to do something about it. So I went to the best surgeon I know, mortgaged our house, and had a special operation to make me 3 inches taller. The operation was a success! I am now 3 inches taller, my wife is much happier with me, and we a truly grateful to Hashem for just making any and all of our minor problems - and let's face it, NOTHING is minor when we're bothered by something - just go away! I feel truly blessed. And I daven for all of the short men out there to do what I did.

please do not give up hope and seek help from therapists and rabbi's who you trust. your marriage and your children are precious and unless he is abusive to you, which this does not sound like, the marriage should be given a chance and his parents need to brake away for a little. i'll pray for you that Hashem should help heal your marriage, please don't loose hope!

To the person who wrote about your husband's height. you are not shallow, you are human. human beings are not perfect and therefore struggle in areas which they wish they did not. my guess is that you probably dismissed your husband's height when you were dating him because you must have been very excited about other aspects of him. that means that those aspects must have been very important to you. If you still see the positive aspects of your husband then know that those are so strong and so powerful that they made you marry him despite his height! he must be an amazing person for you. one last thing, maybe think of a feature or something about his appearance that you are attracted to and are proud of. try always to focus on what you think his good looks are. no one is perfect, he is not , and baruch Hashem you are not, that is why you are alive. :)

I sort of get the impression that "Superficial Wife" is complaining about a minor issue, something that just bugs her once in a while as opposed to a consistent problem; if that's the case, just push the idea out of your mind and move on. I imagine everyone gets that sort of wishful thinking from time to time; it IS superficial, but unless you find yourself really dwelling on it then you may just be making a mountain out of a molehill. (...Pun unintended.) God bless!

Mrs. Braverman - whether or not you think that a husband's height is an "appropriate" issue to be bothered by, I'd have thought that you would be a bit gentler with your response. As any married person knows, sometimes it's the smallest things that irk us the most, and yes, we know it's trivial, and yes, we want to get over it (she said both), but sometimes the effort isn't small - it can be very, very big! The yetzer hara is very strong. I'm not saying that this calls for molly-coddling by everybody else, but I don't think it requires a sharp scolding, either. Why did you choose her comment to post if only to brush her off by saying "get over it" - she could have heard that from anyone else.

Loss of sense of smell is an early indicator of Alzheimer's (Parkinson's too).

That's also what came to my mind when I read the letter.

I always wonderd why the divorce rate is so high now i got the answer what a spoiled geniragition we live in

I was upset by the answer given to the women who so out her vulnerability out there in search of an answer from someone she obviously respects. this woman is struggling with something we all struggle with- seeing a flaw in our spouse. she was not looking to be out down, she was looking for encouragement that its ok to struggle and here are some tips. in response to the wife- i feel your frustration, yes i also dated a wonderful man with flaws that i thought i would be able to see passed. but alas, when things come up in marriage and i have to constantly remind myself that i knew of these flaws beforehand and decided to marry him anyway. my 2 tricks i do, which do help and get easier with time, are: 1- focus on the flaw (especially if its physical) and find ways to love it. i tell myself its cute, its comes with these other virtues, i focus on till im not ashamed of it, or till i get comfortable with it, just from knowing it so well. 2- i look at his virtues despite/or because of his flaws. i remind myself why i love him, and why he is a wonderful husband and man and father. try these tips. talk to yourself, it will get easier. you would be surprised how far positive self talk can take you. also, know this- others dont see your husband the way you do. they dont care that he is short. and dont be jealous of others. (easier said than done, i know) gluck in your struggle! you can get over this. hatzlacha

As for the stubborn mother, I believe it is one of the signs of dementia even though she seems all right in other ways. Try to take her to a gym with a pool maybe or a public swimming pool where she could relax and get the contact back with the water or if you live near a beach, try to take her there few days a week for a nice walk and maybe a bath in the ocean too! I am no expert for sure and I am sure it must be so frustrating for all of you who are trying so hard to make it as comfortable and happy as possible in her old age. I’m sure you have also your own tribulations like all of us, which makes it more difficult for you to handle her. You are doing your best and that’s all what matters.

Most men react the same way after marriage. There are always conflicts among them, wife and mother, mostly due to, I think, ignorance of one another and feelings of negligence. This husband is very young and need directions but it doesn’t have to come to an end of their marriage. Things have to be worked out especially with 2 children involved. I am sure he doesn’t want a divorce and she might just refuse it by telling the judge that it is his parents who want a divorce not him and not she. You can’t give up so easily and must fight for what you believe is your rights. It is very hard for a young woman/mother to go through such ordeal but it also build character

Now that you have tasted the merchandise, you want to return it! You cant do that to a human being, your husband is not an object that you can get rid when you feel like it. You got into this marriage knowingly. If you really love him and have integrity, as supposedly this was the reason for marrying him in the first place, you will put this foolish idea out the door. Get over it, and be happy with this kind, goodhearted and hardworking person. We are short people too and can understand how he must feel especially when his mate projects such humiliating feelings towards him. Are you yourself so perfect? Would you find happiness with someone taller but with a nasty unreliable attitude?

My short husband and I have been in love for 48 years. High school friends called us "the matched set" because we were the same height. I grew, he didn't. So? I don't think of him as short, except maybe when I hem new trousers for him. Everyone who knows this man sees him as a giant with a wonderful soul. I enjoy the advantages, like never having to move the car seat forward or back. My advice to the woman who wrote is, give it time. He'll grow in your eyes. Don't judge him by Hollywood standards,but answer to a higher authority. The beauty of the king's sons is within.

This was one of the first signs I saw with people that I loved who went on to develop Alzheimer's.

I have some things in common with the gentlemen with the assertive mother. Here are my suggestions. 1. The macho issue. The wife says, I can't believe he is so scared of his mother, the mother says, he is scared to death of his wife. Why doesn't he stand up to her each says, buttressed by advice from biased's friends. That solves nothing. 2. One commandment says Honor Your Mother and Father. An all out war is cutting off communication is out. 3. He needs to learn to set limits. If his mother becomes angry, so what. He needs to understand her anger can be a tool of control and manipulation. Example, the mother says, I can't believe you're going to an office party, and missing Uncle Rodney's party. He will be so upset and I'm so embarassed and disappointed in you. Develop the self-confidence to let things fly off your back. If she's upset, let her be upset. Don't say any nasty things, don't start or continue a fight, but don't change your position either. 4. As to the wife, she should be cordial and respectful to her inlaws, not start a fight or falsely try to curry favor. 5. My parents objected to my marriage; they now love my wife, and she did not hold that against them. Indeed, my mother said at a function to my wife when I did something strange; I don''t know how you live with him.

I am in the same boat. My mother is experiencing some incontinence and refuses to face it. She has urinated on herself, her bed. Many times she can't make it to the bathroom. The fights we have had are getting neither of us anywhere. She refuses to see a doctor, refuses to use depends and turns it around that it is me who is tormenting her. There is no dementia but depression for sure which she refuses to take meds for. Plus, she lives with us. There is nothing anyone can do or say, because there is nothing she will listen to. I have to accept what is.

My mother married a mama's boy (who happened to be a Rabbi) back in 1952. He made it clear to her that his mother would always come first. She left him pregnant with my half-sister, and married my Dad 5 years later. This was in the fifties when I assure you it was rarely done. Yet it was the right thing to do. Hashem had other plans for my Mom and he has the same for you. Don't think you won't remarry, you will! You owe it to your children to have a man raise them who has their interests and your interests in his heart, not his parents. He is not fulfilling the commandment to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Also, ironically, I married a mama's boy too-told him to choose between me or him mom and he chose me. If after the ultimatum, he chooses his parents, you need to walk out. Don't worry. You can't have a new future if you stay in an unhealthy present. Even if your parents do not support your move, find people who do and lean on them. Clearly he and his parents are pushing you out, you take the initiative and decide how you will go. Hatzlacha and you will remarry!

I think your answer to 'superficial wife' was a little superficial itself. Clearly (obviously in my opinion) this wife is expressing discomfort with "something"; most likely some pain involved in the relationship which she chooses to express both "superficially" and directed at herself rather than perhaps at the relationship itself or her husband. Why? Thus could be a symptom of anything from a marriage failing, to a serious flaw in her husband she is loathe to admit to herself; to an urge to personal growth on her part expressed in this tangential manner. Anything less than a recommendation to explore this further (in whatever way that has integrity) is indeeed "superficial".

I know what her husben is going though .Because i went went though the same thing .I had a beatiful wife and for the first four years it was like haven but she met anold boy freind the man she always wanted to marrie in the first place .she didnt even say good bye

good things comes in small packages

The letter writer was correct in saying that the only way to learn is by being open and honest. I feel that the answer she received was a little too harsh, especially since the question came from such a sincere place. Here is my answer to you: first of all, well done for recognizing your issue and for seeking help to improve your feelings towards your husband. Of course you know he has outstanding character traits - that's why you married him. At the time you knew that his height was not important, and you still do - just it's a little harder for you to feel this in your heart. Remember that your relationship takes place primarily on the soul level. That, please G-d, your relationship will last beyond this lifetime, and into the World to Come. That HaShem chose this person for you, and he really is the one who will enable you to fulfill your life's purpose. Also, try to think of all the ways in which your husband surpasses you - the ways in which he is 'taller' than you. This will help 'equalize' things a bit. And finally, when you catch yourself comparing your husband to your friends' taller spouses, remember that you never know what goes on behind close doors, and things aren't always as good as they seem. Everything you have was given to you for a reason, including your husband. Allow him to help you grow. Wishing you much hatzlacha!

Your answer shows depth of insight and sensitivity. I agree Mrs. Braverman could have been a little less judgmental of the writer, who after all cared enough about her marriage to solicit someone's advice.

Emuna, what a superb answer! I think she has some heart examining to do. She is not describing a husband's qualities. I think she is might really be saying that she is not in love and using stature as an excuse. Time out lady! You and your marriage need help and help in a hurry! And, if you think that he will not notice or has not noticed, then you do are wrong. You are hurting him. Get help in a hurry!

When a parent [or any elderly adult for that matter] starts having problems with self-care to the point of being noticeably malodorous, one of the most obvious things to check out is the possibility of Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia. Yes, depression is also a possibility but depression can exist at the same time as dementia and many times does. I urge the woman who wrote to you to take her mother to a neurologist post haste. Hatzlacha!

I appreciate all the help that was offered. They are excellent, perfect solutions. My self, my sister and our Aunt all take her to different places. Luncheons, dinners, to plays or family get togethers. We have a large family and we do get together. She is and has been checked out regularly for dementia, etc. She is head strong and always has been. I think Emuna hit it on the head. It is about control and habit. She seems to have gotten out of the habit of self care and doesn't seem to care. She has lost control over many things. (She is a retired geriatric nurse! ) It is a catch 22. We want to be with her, she is and can be fun to be with, but oh my. Mention bathing and a nerve is hit and she will bite you with venom. The Dr.s have ruled out Alzheimer's, depression. I have spoken to my sister about your suggestions, we will put them into action by not saying anything to her! Best advice ever. Thank you!

She woman hit the nail on the proverbial head, so to speak. My mother (zt'l) also suffered with the same problem. Long story short, she was diagnosed with a form of senile dementia, as well as Parkinson's. You owe it to her and yourselves to get her evaluated. One additional word: though it may that seem that perfumes and bath toiletries might help, most people at the time found that it exacerbated the unseemly odor. Only regular bathing and wearing clean fresh clothes daily will help.