Dear Emuna,
My husband is overall a wonderful person, but with a bad temper that's often directed at our kids. When things are chaotic or he can't find what he's looking for, he'll curse or call them derogatory terms such as "stupid" or “piece of garbage.” Sometimes when they act up (they're 2 and 4), he'll pick them up roughly or hold them upside down.
We went to therapy which helped a bit, but I'm worried that he's ruining our marriage and their self-esteem. Any ideas?
-- Worried Wife
Dear Worried,
I've been chided recently in this column for jumping to conclusions too rapidly and for giving simple solutions to complicated problems. With this in mind, I will refrain from saying that it sounds like your husband is abusive and you should take the kids and run.
But I would advise that you read up on the topic. A bad temper that carries over to swearing, to picking children up "roughly" and "holding them upside down" is cause for real concern. You are correct to be worried.
After an instance of abuse, there is frequently a "honeymoon phase."
I'm not sure what you mean when say that he is “overall a wonderful person.” Very few people are all good or all bad, but that doesn't mean they are contributing to a warm and healthy home for you and the children. In fact, when you read about abuse, you will discover that many such people seem wonderful, especially to the world at large, and are respected in their communities. In addition, after an instance of abuse, there is frequently a "honeymoon phase" where they are remorseful, abjectly apologetic and extra loving, lulling the victim to believe in a rosier future and to stay in the relationship.
I don't have the full picture, which I recommend that you do some research. I would additionally suggest that you call your local domestic abuse hotline, describe your situation, and ask their advice. Then pray that the Almighty gives you the strength to follow it.
-- Emuna
Dear Emuna,
A family of friends recently visited our home to have a Sunday lunch with us. When they left later in the afternoon, we realized that money had disappeared from my husband's wallet (which had been left open and was now displaced) and from another spot in the kitchen where I keep change from groceries. Altogether, the financial impact was limited, but this was a shock to me.
This specific family has a 13-year-old boy, a nice and smart kid who has given them some problems in the past. His mother had told me, several months ago, that she had found her son in possession of an inexplicably large sum of money. He had also taken money from his parents on another occasion. I had totally forgotten about this, but following this incident I can say I am practically certain that he is responsible for the theft in our home. The only other children in the home were mine, who are much younger (under 6).
What should I do now? For the time being, I didn't say anything to the parents because I don't want to put our friendship at risk and because I thought that – if something similar happened to me – it would be just hurt too much. But I am very, very upset about this episode and obviously reluctant to invite this family again, despite the fact they are lovely people whom we get along with very well. Do you have any guidance for me on this matter?
-- Puzzled Friend
Dear Puzzled,
This is a very tough situation. While I agree with you that the signs point to this guilt, I don't really see how you can be “practically certain” that he is responsible." It is unfortunate that his mother spoke loshon hora (disparagingly) about him to you, thereby making him the target of your suspicions. This should be an important cautionary tale for parents who frequently aren't as careful as they should be when discussing their children. Remember: your listener doesn't love them like you do and is less inclined to judge them favorably.
In any situation like this, I would be very reluctant to inform the parents, and particularly in this case where you have no concrete evidence. Since she did tell you about her son's challenges, you can assume they are dealing with the issue and that your call or accusation will only cause them additional and, probably unnecessary, pain. It will also definitely (as you fear) drive a wedge between you and them. No parent likes to hear even well-meaning (!) criticism of their children from other parents.
In this case, since you didn't witness any improper action yourself, you have no proof, and since it is not life-threatening, I would err on the side of discretion. The next time you have them over, just lock up your valuables.
-- Emuna
Dear Emuna,
We are raising our teenage granddaughter and in need of advice on how to balance discipline and freedom for her. She came to us with many problems and issues. She still does have issues, but has improved a lot for the short time she has been with us. Trying to balance being a grandparent and “parent” at the same time is difficult. Both of her parents are alive, but they are not very involved in her life much due to their lack of responsibility. Thanks for anything you may suggest.
-- Grandparents/Parents
Dear G/P,
Let me begin by saying that I really respect you for stepping up to the plate. It certainly is not easy, on many levels.
There are 2 main issues that you raise:
- The balance between freedom and discipline – which torments every parent and particularly those of adolescents, and
- Balancing being a grandparent and a parent
Let's start with the latter. I don't think this is an area where you should seek to achieve balance. For all intents and purposes (and according to your own description), you are now the parents. That's the role you are playing in your granddaughter's life. Perhaps at one time you were able to be a more typical “indulgent grandparent,” but those days are no more. You have undertaken a serious responsibility that you now need to live up to. Your granddaughter needs you to be her parents.
All children need boundaries – and rebel against them.
That leads us to the first issue. I think I might rephrase the choices in a way that frames your positions as less adversarial. Instead of balancing freedom and discipline, let's call it freedom versus structure and boundaries. All children, no matter their age, desperately need boundaries. And all children, no matter their age but particularly teenagers, strongly rebel against the notion. It's a fine and delicate line to tread.
You will probably have to do some research. Speak to her teachers at school. Speak to the parents of her friends. What are their norms and expectations? You’ll need to get a sense if your granddaughter is telling the truth when she (inevitably) says that "all the other parents let"?
Try to have a few inviolable rules (frequently, safety-related) – curfew, no alcohol, responsibility for schoolwork, forbidden hangouts, to name a few. And try to be flexible outside of this.
All teenagers are challenging. Their hormones make them (and everyone around them) crazy. As do their fears and anxieties about getting older. Your granddaughter may have some extra issues due to her parents' situation. She may be tempted to act out more.
Our Sages advise us to "Pull close with the right hand, and push away with the left." The right hand is compassion and love; it should be the stronger and more dominant emotion and impulse. The left is discipline and boundaries. It's the weaker, less frequently-used side. We need both, but compassion takes precedence. Always lead with it.
Finally, the Almighty's compassion is infinitely greater than our own. Ask Him to give you and your husband the strength and wisdom you need for this noble undertaking.
-- Emuna
(25) Marion, May 22, 2014 10:26 PM
Concerning the missing cash: The boy needs to face the consequences for his actions now, otherwise the thieving could escalate and he could get into serious trouble for it when he's older. However: I would say that when I was eleven, I was accused of shoplifting when I paid for the sweets I bought from the local supermarket, and because I'd chucked the receipt out and because I'd shoplifted before, it took an awful lot of convincing before any of my family believed I'd paid for the sweets. Perhaps you could investigate whether your own children - even though they are much younger - took the money for some reason before you blame the thirteen year old. It's not unheard of. If however you do believe beyond shadow of doubt in the end that the thirteen year old took the money, then tell his parents so they can correct his behaviour. And lock up your valuables next time you have visitors with children in the house.
(24) Anonymous, October 3, 2013 7:46 PM
If you could see the future impact...
If you could look into the future and see the impact this kind of abuse does to your kids, you would be horrified. Get help for yourself (for allowing this) and your kids.
(23) Julius, October 3, 2013 7:32 PM
When one confides in you, it is a call for help.
Concerning the missing cash. I couldn't disagree with you more. When the child's mother confides with you, concerning her son, it is a call for help and advice. To say nothing will only perpetuate the problem, (since he thinks he got away with it) and encourage him to try it again. In my old neighborhood, we kids were subject to observance of many of the adults in our neighborhood. If we were up to any misbehavior, we could count on our parents being told about it.
Without going into detail, I was that 13 year old kid. It wasn't until I was "confronted," that the behavior was corrected.
We're told to "go to our brother when we have aught against him." No one benefits by silence in a situation like this.
(22) Shoahana- Jerusalem, November 11, 2012 4:47 PM
worried wife
What are you waiting for? To have a house of mental cases? Of course, get up, take the kids and run!
(21) Anonymous, September 21, 2012 12:33 AM
re: Worried Wife
That sounds terrible. I've never heard of hanging kids upside down for punishment... Wait a second, did you mean that part as rough house play? Mentioning it right next to insensitive speach made it sound bad. But that would be disingenuous. The comments are a little one sided so far so let's run with that. If you want permission to pull the trigger on your marriage then you don't need permission for divorce in a secular court. No-fault divorce was invented so couples wouldn't have to tell lies to the judge anymore. Welcome to the world of being another statistic.
(20) anon, July 12, 2012 3:07 PM
Hitting kids increases risk of mental illness
http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/02/physical-punishment-increases-your-kids-risk-of-mental-illness/?iid=hl-article-editpicks
(19) anon, July 12, 2012 10:06 AM
to worried wife
What you describe is abuse. Children may need a father, but not if that father is abusive. In the circumstances, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN, you have to leave your marriage. If you don't your children will be damaged emotionally for sure, maybe physically too, and on account of your failure to protect them may even be taken away from you, after they turn up at school one time too many with bruises on their bodies. I can tell you already, that when you try to leave, your husband will turn on the charm offensive big time, but that is also part of an abusive personality (jekyll and hyde). Be strong and don't fall for it.
(18) Anonymous, May 14, 2012 10:35 PM
To worried wife I recomend you the book "From victim to victory"
to worried wife, I recomend you the book "From victim to victory" by Myriam Adahan. structured and clear, could help to start anderstanding
(17) bobby5000, May 12, 2012 1:41 AM
tell mom about stealing or wait till he is arrested
I think the parent needs to know. That is the first step in addressing the problem. It's likely the money he gets from stealing is used to support a drug habit which will get worse until he is arrested. The point can be made tactfully. Having raised 3 kids, I'd want to know, though the parent will appreciate tact and empathy.
(16) Anonymous, May 11, 2012 10:50 AM
Daily Lift vs. Emuna's Column
Dear Emuna, Today's "daily lift" is about not needing the approval of others. In that spirit, don't worry that readers will think you're jumping to conclusions- advise the distressed wife/mother to get those kids out of harm's way immediately! There is NO excuse for children- especially such young ones- to be subjected to such mental and physical abuse. Their welfare comes first! Call children protection services, take the kids, run- and if Daddy wants his family back, have him prove the necessary transformation to earn it
(15) Anonymous, May 10, 2012 2:59 AM
"he'll pick them up roughly or hold them upside down." This is abuse. My advice: Take the kids & leave, so that you & your children will be safe.
(14) SG, May 9, 2012 6:59 PM
Abusive behavior
As a volunteer for a Jewish women's domestic abuse organization, I can say with certainty that this man is one day going to "lose it" and seriously injure of kill one of his children. this is not a time for Torah until you and the children are out of the house and in a safe place where he cannot reach you. Then you can reach out to a rabbi if you can find one who understands domestic abuse. Your first priority is the safety of your children and yourself. You need counseling and your children need to be protected from their father.
(13) boca mom, May 9, 2012 4:06 PM
run away!!!
for the first poster, please run away as fast as you can before he really hurts one of those children, it's not safe and they are so small, he will get worse over time - even what is going on now can kill a small child or cause brain damage - rough handling and turning a two year old upside down. Not to mention the psychological damage he is doing. RUN AWAY NOW.
(12) ali, May 9, 2012 2:47 PM
Emuna you are terrific!
Emuna, You are brave to run this column; even the wisest words run the risk of being misinterpreted or misunderstood. I find you to be totally clear headed, sensitive, non judgmental and empowering. Keep up the good work. You are unquestionably well suited for this very difficult role! ali begoun
(11) Anonymous, May 9, 2012 9:43 AM
Re: puzzled
This seems to me a classic case where lashon hara might actually be called for. There may be a constructive purpose here (to'elet), especially since the mother already seems to be aware of a problem. If the mother can be relied on not to react inappropriately (a very big if), then Puzzled might be doing everyone a favor by telling her that some money disappeared, even though there is no certainty at all that the boy took it. However, if he did, it is to his benefit that he be caught and made to make restitution. Note the words "might" and "may." I am not giving an absolute answer but suggesting a serious possibility. (The halachically minded will realize that this is a fairly complicated area of hilchoth lashon hara and that I am sliding over some of the complications. Were I in this situation, I would probably consult my Rav.)
(10) Anonymous, May 9, 2012 1:40 AM
Re: overall abusive
I highly suggest that you speak to a Rabbi who is both knowledgable about Torah as well as savvy regarding the emotional truths behind such behaviors. Someone who is willing to sit down with both of you, who can help by communicating/interpreting. Men and women alike are expected to make their best efforts toward Teshuva (repentance). These behaviors can be corrected if he is able to see the impact and if he so desires to change. Contacting a women's hotline will not get you Torah advice, nor will it encourage you to keep your family intact. There are times when it works out and times when it may not but it is wise to seek the advice of a Rabbi whose goal is to be truth-seeking, objective and focused on Shalom Bayit. You may need to ask more than one Rabbi until both of you feel comfortable. You should both feel respected in the process. I wish you much success and courage, and that your family can - b'Ezrat HaShem - be blessed with a good situation.
Anonymous, July 12, 2012 10:11 AM
A time for shalom bayit, and a time for child protection
Shalom bayit can never come at the expense of a child's safety.
Basya, April 28, 2014 8:54 AM
Even more
If it coming at the expense of the woman's or the children's safety, it is NOT shalom bayit.
There are, I believe, hotlines in some countries which are aimed at religious Jews and can help with the balance.
Just going to a Rabbi and having him talk to an abusive husband is not likely to help and can make it worse. If you can find a Rabbi who is knowledgeable and experienced in abuse (or has a tremendously high level of da'as torah that would obviate the need for external knowledge; something which I believe is not very common; you need a true gadol) he can help you find help which will not conflict with torah values.
I am not sure what the original commentator meant by "focused on shalom bayit". If he meant using torah hashkafa to work out whether the best decision is to stay or leave, that is fine. But if he meant "focus on keeping the couple together" I think that the approach is not balanced. Regular "shalom bayis" approaches can be VERY COUNTERPRODUCTIVE in abusive situations.
(9) L.S., May 8, 2012 9:17 PM
Take your kids and RUN
I am flabbergasted at Rebetzin Braverman's response. How irresponsible to condone abuse! I sincerely hope the writer of this letter takes her kids and RUNS as fast and as far away as she can. The man she is with is clearly abusive and there is no changing or fixing that. Think of your children and leave the man for the sake of their safety.
TE, May 10, 2012 1:00 AM
Seriously
Mrs. Braverman can't write in a public Aish column "take the kids and run" and leave it at that. For goodness sakes, read between the lines a little - that is in essence what she is saying within the first paragrah! And the entire answer is directed at insinuating that she thinks that this is, indeed, an abusive, unhealthy, and dangerous relationship, and that the writer should get help from whatever sources are available. Even if she could be so explicit, the thing with advice columns is that you never, ever have the whole picture, and can't make blanket, generalizing statements about one small piece of a picture that someone provides you with. I actually think it would have been quite irresponsible of Mrs. Braverman to write what you seem to think she should have - to just up and go without a moment's planning or thought. Even women who have had to take such a drastic step will tell you that that isn't the way to do it.
anon, December 11, 2012 3:21 PM
Why not? The children are being physically and emotionally abused. If the wife won't protect the kids, maybe the social workers will. It's about time that domestic abuse is confronted head on in the Jewish community. Zero tolerance. And no mincing words.
(8) Anonymous, May 8, 2012 8:29 PM
puzzled
I DIEAGREE WITH THE PRIORITY YOU HAVE GIVEN THIS SITUATION. A WORRIED MOTHER SHARES HER DISMAY AT HER SON'S TAKING THINGS. THAT ISN'T BADMOUTHING,THAT'S WARNING A FRIEND. BETTER THE PARENTS GET THE PAIN OF KNOWING ABOUT YOUR LOSS OFF ITEMS, THAN THE PAIN OF A FAR MORE SERIOUS LOSS-:THEIR SON IN JAIL. LOSING A FRIENDSHIP IS MUCH LESS TRAUMATIC.
(7) Jewgirl, May 8, 2012 2:37 PM
Get away with your kids as quick as you can...
put yourself in your kids shoes how frighten they must be they are only 2 and 4 it runs a shiver down my spine. Get help ASAP..Don't let on what you plan, when you ready just go. Make sure that you have a file at the police, it might help you later. Just remember that HaShem is with you he won't let you down. All best to you.
(6) Anonymous, May 8, 2012 1:34 PM
So your husband is "overall a wonderful person, but with a bad temper that's often directed at our kids" Run as fast as you can. Contact your local Jewish Family Services or similar agency that serves abused women and sign up for a group. You will gain valuable information and resources. Remember, you don't need to sit and wait for something tragic to happen to you or the children or all of you. Wake up, stop the denial and act. You have a duty to protect your children.
(5) Anonymous, May 8, 2012 1:25 PM
If this wife knew that her children would be irreparably hurt someday ~ what would her choice be now? What will he be doing to them when they are older? I have heard of Rabbis who have taken men and had them beat because they were wife beaters. Good for them!
(4) Anonymous, May 7, 2012 9:35 AM
Leaving an abusive husband and father
I pray that the woman who wrote in and anyone else for whom the topic is relevant read this book: Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. Running without (1) a plan and (2) the conviction that you are going to stay away has its dangers and may not be the best option except in an emergency for which you have not yet prepared. Hotline counseling is also a good early step, repeatedly if necessary, especially for a reality check to get over misconceptions like "he's overall wonderful." I'm three years separated and soon to be divorced, and Baruch Hashem our son is with me and we are both doing well. I took some time preparing, but also had a small bag by the door and PJs, etc., over at a friend's house for years before we left.
(3) TMay, May 7, 2012 9:01 AM
one approach
Regarding Worried, maybe she can hire someone who can hold her husband upside down so he can feel what it feels like? Tthe person hired would need recommendations that he was of sound character because you wouldn't want to invite someone to the house who gets the idea to steal and rob and intimidate the family.
(2) Anonymous, May 6, 2012 6:24 PM
Take the kids and RUN
take the kids and RUN This is your best option. I am sorry the choices are so limited. RUN
equitable, May 8, 2012 2:58 PM
How can you meddle with comments that may ultimately cause the demise of a marriage which, for all that is presently known as was mentioned by the writer, could potentially and quite conceivably be wonderful? Be a but more mindful of the fact that this is NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEING DESCRIBED HERE, and less judgmental of other people and their relationships. Next time simply offer nurturing optimistic sage advice in a loving and understanding manner and perhaps your blessing for a hasty resolution with the aid of Hashem! And that goes for the lot of you "commentators"!!!
Alan S., May 8, 2012 11:24 PM
This comment is off base, and perhaps strikes of lashon hara! In fact, I've never read a response by Ms. Braverman that was 'judgemental'. Her responses are pure common sense. Perhaps 'equitable' should learn to 'meddle' like Ms. Braverman does. And that is, to not make comments that are personal, but that are honest and the type one would expect a trusted friend or Rabbi or Rebbitzen to make. Ms. Braverman obviously goes out of her way to strike a balance in every answer she gives. Her comments are not only "not" meddlesome, they are "wholesome". In my opinion, Aish is a site meant for adults, and not necessarily for people that wear only rose colored glasses.
TMay, May 9, 2012 2:56 AM
Equitable
She is not a puppet. She can read the answers and get a feel for how other people react to her description. Then she can review her description and decide whether she fairly described the situation.
anon, July 12, 2012 10:07 AM
how indeed
There are children at risk here, that is how. If she doesn't leave, she may end up having her children taken away from her.
(1) rayla, May 6, 2012 1:31 PM
Emuna u ALWAYS amaze me with ur straightforward answers.. Even though I don't have many of the issues u bring up I always learn something.. Thank u and hashem/the almighty should give u strength to continue helping all of us