Dear Emuna: Resenting My Mother

Great response...and something I think we all could relate to. Doesn't everyone have someone in their lives like this? Makes me think of the quote that goes something like this: Holding on to a grudge or unforgiveness or hate or whatever is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If you don't forgive and let it go, you are only hurting yourself over and over and over again.

I was impressed with the story of a man who came out of a concentration camp who immediately started helping others and who seemed not to be adversely affected by what was hell on earth. He said that he saw what hate could do to people so he was determined to love everyone. It saved him I believe.

The situation is never as important as your attitude because someone can be in a great situation but have a lousy attitude filled with pity and a great lack of thankfulness and someone can be in a terrible situation but have a great attitude filled with thankfulness and hope. I have seen both and I am sure I have been one or the other at different times in my life!

'He pities those who fear Him because He knows we are made of dust.' --Our Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us anyway. It is all about forgiveness.

One more quote: 'Life is an adventure in forgiveness'--Norman Cousins (I think!)

I love the answer you gave to the woman who felt abandoned by her mother. At a certain point in life, we all have to assume responsibility for our feelings and honor them. We also must work at the same tiime on letting go so that the anger , hurt and resentment we feel does not rule our feelings and actions. Therapy and /or a rav are a big help here. Staying stuck is never the answer. I was happy to read that this woman has a nice family life, thank G-d.

perhaps check out a naturopath - foods can cause anxiety- specifically pop. Vitamin B helps with anxiety - but please do your own homework and look into it!

Iron deficiency can cause anxiety and depressive moods , feeling of disorientation as well. It always helps to check for physical reasons first (eg. blood tests) , then deal with the psychological side of it if it persists.

buy the book "duties of the heart" by moshe chaim luzzato. it comes with an english translation. read the chapter, "gate of trust in G-d", a little bit each night. It's life changing

Personality Types by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson I think it'll help all these 3 question askers (and everyone else, too!)

I believe that what might let the woman who still resents what her mother did to her as a child let go of her grudge is empathy with the loneliness she experienced as a child. I do feel with her and wish that she will be able to forgive

I agree with Mrs. Braverman's advice. After reading the post, I was reminded of couple of people who went on a fancy diet and lost a lot of weight. Shortly after, similar symptoms appeared. (In one case, sleep was disrupted and the person was off work for a year.) But, anxiety and depression were standard. I am not ascribing cause and effect. I just noticed a correlation. The other scenario involved medication. Certain types of medications can make us anxious. (Believe it or not, jealousy is a side- effect of certain medications.) Another side- effect, for a number of medications, is anxiety. One of those is, I believe, birth control pills. If none of this rings a bell, you may want to go back into your history and find out when you think all of this started. It may be of value. Your husband can help. In the meantime, I would recommend a healthy diet, exercise, and plenty of sleep.

Aish offers many tools. Aish authors have written many wonderful books that can be of help. Please use the search tool. Take advantage of Aish tape library. There are so many wonderful speakers you can choose on this subject. I would also recommend a book by Rabbi Arush, "The Garden of Emuna". It seems perfect for people who suffer from anxiety. It is trans. by Rabbi Lazer Brody. Immersing ourselves in Aish's commentary and Aish's Torah readings is meant to help us understand that there is One Creator and that He is One. That has very positive consequences, in terms of anxiety, which Aish constantly brings to our attention.

Here are some tips for alleviating anxiety. I wholly concur with Mrs. Braverman's suggestion and the writer should seek professional help. A quick way to feel less anxious is to get a brown paper bag, and breathe into it for a minute. That will calm us down considerably. Cut back on sugar, sucrose, caffeine, alcohol. Increase daily exercise Increase charity work - spending more time within one's community Diet- Kosher? - Diet and sleep are closely linked. Are you getting your sleep? It is very important to get to sleep on time and to get enough sleep. If you cannot get to sleep on time, there are way to fall asleep. Sigh! Yes, sigh consciously making a sound. So, on the outgoing breath, really release it but with a sound. Let it come from your belly. You might get a surprise after a while. (I would recommend doing this when by yourself, for obvious reasons.) Comedy. Find yourself something that is very funny. There are far too many funny videos that are of high quality. But, make it a practice to have comedy in your life on a daily basis. Smile. Yes, smile every day regardless of what. Read Rabbi Pliskin. Buy his books. One of his favorite sayings is "Smile at mirrors and they always smile back at you." Do it. It works.

Find a time and place just for yourself. Sit comfortably or lie down. Close your eyes. Give yourself permission to be distracted. Whenever you are, simply go back to the exercise. Remember not to act on those distracting thoughts. Place your hands on your abdomen. Your hands will be falling and rising as you breathe. Simply notice that movement. Do not concentrate. Simply notice that movement. You are simply aware of the falling and rising of the abdomen. That is it. You may begin this for 5 minutes. Eventually you will increase it to 20 minutes. You will have many reasons for giving up. (You may come up with the best idea for something. You may have forgotten to do something, call someone, run an errand. ) Remember to classify all of these thoughts under the banner of intrusive thoughts. Just note the thought and then bet back to simply being aware of your breathing. That is all. Nothing more (If you left something on the stove and the house is about to burn then please turn off the element.) You can set a timer, something on your Smart phone, or something very gentle, reminding you that your 5, 10, or 20 minutes is up. You may want to say your favorite Tehillim before and after this exercise. After about two weeks of this you may wish to put your hands to the side and try to pay attention to the abdomen without the hands. So, no hands. Just bare abdomen. There is an exercise that asks you to notice your breath underneath the nostrils. Do not do this. People who are anxious are usually head people. They are not ready to do this exercise. Those types of exercises are for people who wish to meditate and not for people who need healing.

many years ago I watch a close friend die spiritually over not being able to forgive his dad. When he was young his dad tried to drown his half sister in the tub. at first he just didn't like his dad over what he had done. I was 10 when we met. by 1975 he had quit going to church and no matter what I said it didn't do any good. I couldn't understand until one day he got to talking about his dad and the change that came over him was like an jeckel &Hyde and then I new. I told him he needs to forgive his dad so he can grow spiritually and until he does that he will never feel comfortable in church. when he mention that what his dad did was wrong I told him he was right and he will answer for it, but you need to forgive him for yourself . there is more to this but I hope you get the idea. take what good you can and cherish it I know about this except in my case it was my dad. I never hid what my dad did to my kids but they also know the good about him as well. I looked at what my dad did and do the opposite. I am a better dad to my children than he was to me and I give him the credit

For anyone harboring resentment for someone else, I highly recommend seeing a practitioner of "The Journey" - a method developed by Brandon Bays. The method specifically centers on helping us understand and forgive those who have deeply hurt us. Of course, we are the winners because all those bad, negative emotions leave us and we are purified. Good luck!

Yes, the Journey can be helpful to some, but it also costs a lot of money. One needs to know what is "The Journey". It is NLP with new age spirituality. Brandon Bays had a tumor and through NLP the tumor was 'unblocked'. She then made this her business but added new age spirituality. Based on what I know, you can take Feldenkrais classes. Feldenkrais works on releasing emotions through body work and no need for new age spirituality.

emotionally my parents were not supportive and after a death in the family when I was a child I felt all alone with no one to support me (and of course as a child I didn't know how to ask someone from the outside) it was VERY difficult! took years in therapy to fix. i did not blame my parents since they obviously had a very hard time dealing with the death, but in reality it WAS their job to support their children or send them to counseling which they didn't do. I am so grateful to Hashem that sent me to a wonderful therapist who helped me so much. I recommend some therapy to try and accept your past. Recently my husband told off his dad about not being supportive or saying anything positive about him when growing up and now. My husband then felt guilty- I said- you spoke respectfully and it's good to have some cleansing talk so you can move on. Also I said- some people don't have that talk and cut off their parents from their life- that hurts more than anything else, better have that talk! I can see from the response here from Tzippi that i was correct. So weather it's therapy a talk or both - there are ways to help us get over things. Hatzlacha!

Continued #2. Placing your focus on something that distracts you or demands your attention allows your body to regulate itself. Your body wants to find it's rhythm, you just have to give it the chance. There are various breathing techniques that you can use, too. Once you're calm, try to deal with the issue. If you find yourself in the same situation, stop and distract yourself again or breathe. You'll get better with this over time, so don't give up. #3 To the 15 yr old or anyone else that finds themselves listening to others problems, 1st, just be a good listener, that may be all they need. 2nd, keep in mind that you're listening to someone that may be in distress and their take on things may be slanted. Most people are their own worst enemy, because they get blinded by their own point of view and pain. Everyone should have someone that they feel comfortable with as a back up when they need a sounding board or sensible advice. I'd recommend someone that you feel comfortable with and that others seem to gravitate to when they have problems. You should have backup before someone comes to you with a crisis. Also, establish a good report with your friends' parents/families. Kids learn to value their parents more when they see other kids seeing their parents as people worth talking to. Parents also respect their kids' friends more when they talk to them. If your friends have problems, you may be able to help them simply by involving the parents, either directly or indirectly, but you have to know whom you're dealing with. Sometimes describing a problem as your own and asking the advice of those parents can elicit a response that is unbiased and will clue the parents in to what their own child needs. Don't use a problem that will have the parents telling their child not to be friends with you or get you into trouble. It's always best to encourage open dialogue. For the most part, your friends have no better advocates than their families. All the best.

Dear Emuna, great advice, as usual. I can relate, so I'll add a few things. #1 For the woman whose Mom was too busy, everyone has issues. If your Mom seemed "unavailable" to you, chances are she felt incapable of dealing with everything on her plate, and felt she was a failure in her private life. Since I don't know why she was a single Mom, I can't venture to guess what she was struggling with, in particular. You could try sublimating your feelings, but your best bet is to resolve them. Don't do it with anger. Check your feelings at the door. Remember, your doing this to improve the quality of your life, making someone else miserable or showering them with blame will only be a temporary fix. Go to her with an honest desire to understand and to make peace. If she won't discuss it with you or gets defensive, write her a letter describing your feelings. Leave the blame out. She may or may not answer you, but you'll feel better knowing that she knows how you feel. My guess is, however, that at some point it will lead to an improved relationship, as long as you don't let those emotions get the better of you. Be prepared though, to hear your Mom's side of things. There may be things about yourself that were difficult for your Mom to handle. She may have pulled back at times because she thought you were rejecting her. People go to unusual lengths to avoid pain. #2 To the anxiety sufferer, that's not a problem I have to deal with, thank G-d, but part of the reason is, that I learned when I was young what worked for me as a release for pressures that I didn't feel capable of handling. As someone whose parents were always busy because they were always trying to survive (holocaust survivors), I had to learn to fend for myself at a very young age. I was lucky that I always felt a very strong connection to G-d, so I never felt alone. G-d was always just a thought away. Some of the tools I that I found that helped were writing, exercise and music...... continuing on next comment

You need to have trust that HaShem gives you exactly what you need, when you need it. For whatever reason that you may never fathom, you NEEDED precisely the mother you got. Focus instead on the things you gained -- a better understanding of what children crave from a parent, self-confidence in your ability to be self-sufficient, whatever. Then, retrain yourself to be grateful to her for those things. When you have done so, discuss the experience with her NON JUDGMENTALLY so that she can explain what was going on that kept her from giving you what you felt you were lacking. Then you can forgive her wholeheartedly and stop wasting the emotional energy of resentment.

The best cure for most 'ailments' is gratitude. We need to set time aside each day just to indulge in gratitude. Maybe it is just a few minutes spent, but well worth the Super Cleansing Time of toxic thoughts. Gratitude is so powerful that after awhile you will see other doors open, giving you insights into 'toxic problems'. Once understanding flows, the toxic is neutered completely.

for some reason I will never know- my lovely'sweet easy to raise daughter, married with family-has cut me and my husband out of her life. I've lost my son-in law; and my grandcildren . I don't know of any problem we had similar or otherwise. I feel dead. Nobody can help me. I didn"t deserve this I'm sure your mom was coping with her problems the only way she knew how-please forgive her. Shes not the same person now that she was as a young mom. Give her a chance ot make it up to you and your family- she knows she made mistakes

I to had a mom who wasnot there for me. I realized a long time ago that she did the best she could with what she could. I still love her nd she is gone for 14 years. I found I had to put my energies into being me and making the best of my life in spite of my losses. There is greater peace inside of me for moving on.

Mrs. Braveman, I ,know how you feel. I was adopred by moms-twice! The second adoptive mother resented and was jealous of me. I was beaten and verbally abused by her. She also allowed other to physically abuse me. She died a few years ago and I was the person who had to take care of her. For a long time I was angry, had nightmare about the beatings and arguements we had and the whole time my father did nothing. I saw a therapist, prayed and was able to forgive her because she had issues from her own life that hadn't been dealt with. My advice to you is get over it or it will kill you. You have to forgive and move on or the anger will take control. The only way to forgive is to understand where the person is coming from and love God more than yourself or the abuser.

Mrs. Braverman, thank you for the wonderful, wise, answers. With respect to the first question, I must say that I am at a loss when it comes to some of the replies. (Maybe the question itself.) What period did we just go through? Surely just reading some of the material found on Aish would have been more than enough to remind us about our responsibility during Yom Kippur. Al-Chet prayer anyone? Let me say that some day it will be too late for us all to look at the other. The very idea of forgiving your mother for her neglecting "you" based on what I read, is rather strange. I could also interpret that quite differently. Perhaps you as a 45 year old can interpret it favorably and not judge your mother so harshly. Maybe that would be showing your mother some respect. She did choose to have you, as a single mother. If you think that was easy then I beg to differ. Those harsh statements are horrible. Maybe you need forgiveness from your mother and just maybe there is something called transference at place. The same goes for some of the writers. I sure hope that your children do not judge you the same way. Shameful, I say! Our community, it seems, has brought up our children in such a way so that they have everything. The theme is entitlement. Well, that is not the way of Torah! So, grow up. Learn a bit of history of your people and you do not need to go far. If that is too hard then try reading a novel by Chaim Potok and you will get the flavor of what it was like. It seems to me that some of us need to be visiting some cancer wards or doing other charity work in order to see real life. Maybe then we shall get a better perspective on life. Then we shall ask for forgiveness for ourselves.

I would like to recommend a book that helped me to come to grips with my mother, and the pain I had to overcome in relation to my mother, the title is; "When you and your mother can't be friends', by Victoria Secunda

my mom is that woman, at 74. my grandmother is 94. I just don't see that your advice is helpful. There's piece missing. How do you get to the place to even want to forgive?

I think this was flippant advice. I am in a similar situation and trying to accept what is, not forgive. The woman needs a therapist to figure out the best path forward for herself.

and I think that my grandmother was one of them. It takes a big person to "reframe" and give the benefit of the doubt to someone who goes against "nature" and does not nurture and care for her children but rather indulges and caters to her own needs and wants first. My grandmother left my mom at a young age to pursue her own life because she was bored at home. In 1940 that was unheard of. my mom lived with the stigma of divorced parents all her life. My grandmother is still a "me first" person and complains that we don't do enough for her. She was never "doing the best she could with what she had"; she was only involved with herself and her own good time. She had everything her way, the rest of us suffered-my mom from her neglect, and me from not having a mother that could love me. I attached myself to G-d to heal. My mother and grandmother won't do that. I 'm having to deal with my mother's anger. She directs it at me sometimes, she projects her feelings at me and makes me out to be like my grandmother! which is pretty crazy. My grandmother made a crack in our family that can't seem to get back together again, but I've at least been able with G-d's help to prevent the pain from progressing another generation. I have the feeling that my mom won't be able to resolve this until her mom dies. any way, the original letter writer--you have my compassion and I hope G-d can help you resolve your pain and heal you completely.

Bach flowers can address this problem. Besides this, "stomack breathing" is helpful (when you breath out, you pull your stomack in; when you breath in, you pull your stomack out)

May I suggest to try EFT. Emotional Freedom technichs. It might speed up the proces of forgiving. Lots of succes. Judith

I have a similar situation and was interested in knowing where or how I can find EFT.How do I go about it . HELP !! Thanks

Google eft; there are several good videos on the subject. One of the best I've seen is: http://eft.mercola.com/ by Dr. Mercola