Differences: Source of Conflict or Appreciation?

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Managing personality clashes in parenting, marriage and friends.

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I are big personalities. We love to shmooze and to entertain. Our home has an open door policy and people are constantly dropping by. We love it. Our 20 year-old daughter is just like us. She is the president of her sorority and the center of her campus social life. Our 19 year-old son is the exact opposite. When he was at home, he spent a lot of time reading in his room. In college, he seems to do the same. He loves his classes and doesn’t seem unhappy but I’m worried about him. What do you think I should do?

Party Mom

Dear Party Mom,

While there certainly are some cases (and these are the ones that make the news) where being a loner hides a seriously disturbed personality, this is, in general, nor the norm. The world is full of different types of people, including those who are energized by crowds of people and those who are energized by quiet alone time. Society seems to reward the former and be concerned about the latter – but there is no reason for this.

As long as your son is happy and productive and has one or two good friends, I really wouldn’t worry. In fact, I would try to appreciate what’s unique about him and what I could learn from him. It’s always a challenge for parents when their children are very different from them – and I find that those are the children that teach us the most! We have bought into society’s suggestion that being “popular” is a goal and we therefore worry if one of our children isn’t. But there is a difference between preferring a few good friends and quiet time and lacking social skills. We need to notice that. We need to appreciate that. We need to focus on our children’s strengths and not view differences as lacks. If your son seems unhappy or depressed, then there is cause for concern and you need to seek professional help for him. But if he is just different, relax and celebrate it! Not everyone loves a party.

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I are constantly fighting over the parenting of our three year-old son. He accuses me of being overprotective – I do worry about germs and him getting hurt – and I think he’s too cavalier and should stop horsing around with him in the living room…can you help us resolve our differences?

At Odds

Dear At Odds,

This is a familiar struggle. Like all battles over differences, the truth is frequently in the middle. Our young children are definitely in need of certain protections (jackets in the winter, learning to stay away from the street – the obvious) and they also need to be – well – children. They need to run around and play and sometimes fall and pick themselves up again. You need to let go (children are not as fragile as you imagine) and your husband needs to, perhaps, moderate his activity slightly so that you won’t have a heart attack every time they play together!

Like the party mom in the previous letter, you need to work on appreciating the differences between you and your husband instead of being frustrated by them. It will actually benefit your son to have parents that engage in different activities with him and that have different personalities. It will expose him to different ways of being and expand his own personality. The key of course is that, instead of criticizing your husband, you need to take pleasure in watching him throw your son around – I’m sure your son is giggling and loving it. Fathers have been horsing around with children for years – with none of them worst for the wear. You and your husband are in this together and you need to work on that. More important than whether to be overprotective or more relaxed is that you and your husband model a loving, caring and accepting relationship. That is one of the biggest gifts you can give your child.

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I are frequent travelers to Israel. We have a dispute about it and he gave me permission to place it before you. As he likes to joke, “All Jews are UPS to Israel”. Every time one of us goes, one of our neighbors, friends, bare acquaintances has a small package, large suitcase, computer, brisket…that they would like us to, pretty please, bring to their children there. I like to be accommodating – where possible. Sometimes (and especially now with El Al’s new 50 pound maximum) there just isn’t room. And sometimes people’s expectations are a little out of control. But I know what it’s like to have kids there and to want to get “just one little thing” to them.

He, on the other hand, feels that he is going for business and wants to get in and out of the airport as quickly and easily as possible. He likes to take only carry-on, no matter how many suitcases he is allowed to bring (he sometimes travels business class where he can bring more). I am always pushing him to take extra luggage and he is always pushing back. I hate to fight with him right before he goes out of town but I feel like I should encourage him to do these kindnesses for others. What do you think?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want the responsibility of being the one to resolve your situation! The (unintentional) theme this week seems to be appreciating differences. Everyone’s travel style is not the same. Your husband likes to travel light and unencumbered. You don’t mind taking large suitcases for yourself and others. While in general I would argue in favor of kindness, I think there are a lot of mitigating factors. Sometimes I bring items for others in Israel and it takes days for them to pick them up. If your husband is there on business, he may need to focus his energy on that and not be distracted by these other concerns or unable to spend time chasing after the intended recipients of these packages. In addition, it can make for awkwardness at the El Al security lines and impede the smooth checking in process.

Sometimes the items are bulky or perishable or time-sensitive which may add to the challenge. I think that, in the end, it needs to be an individual choice. I applaud you for your kindness and thoughtfulness towards others. I think you may need to display that same kindness and thoughtfulness towards your husband and not pressure him into doing something he really doesn’t want to.

There are different types of kindness that resonate with each of us individually. Some people enjoy visiting the sick; some find it difficult. Some bring companionship to the elderly in old age homes and some find it unbearable. Some cook meals for new mothers and some don’t even cook for their only families. The same applies here. This is a kindness that gives you pleasure and that you find easy to do. Not so with your husband. You need to respect that, appreciate your differences, not pester him and applaud him for the other kindnesses that I’m sure he does.

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