Dear Emuna,
I am sad to say that after 30 years I am divorcing my husband and the father of my three beautiful children. We have shared a lot and really struggled together but there are too many destructive elements in our relationship for me to continue as is. I have begged and begged him to join me in therapy or to go on his own. I have been telling him for years that changes need to be made and I have been working on my own growth. He has been recalcitrant and refused to acknowledge any responsibility or any need to change. He has become progressively more difficult to live with and I have finally had enough.
Now that the divorce is actually going through and I have moved out, he is experiencing regret and vowing to change. Of course this tugs at my heart strings and makes me feel conflicted. What should I do? Should I give him another chance?
So Confused
Dear So Confused,
I certainly don’t blame you for feeling that way. It is a difficult, painful and complicated situation. Let me just clarify right off the bat that my advice is VERY general and based on the VERY limited knowledge of your situation presented here. Of course this is always true but when the stakes are so high, I don’t want to presume to have the answer. Divorce, as I’m sure you know, is a very serious step with serious consequences – emotional, financial, psychological – for everyone involved. I’m sure you’re not taking this step lightly. And I’m sure it’s not something you decided to do overnight. By the sounds of your letter, you have been gradually moving in this direction.
Of course the goal is that your husband should want to grow and change and it’s painful to think of divorcing at the exact moment when he has finally decided to do that. It leads to your sense of confusion and conflict which is understandable. If there is actual hope for the marriage, you may not want to walk away. Whether there is actual hope is something I am not in a position to evaluate. I can only suggest some questions to ask yourself (questions that may not have definitive or easy answers): Is he serious about change? Will his determination to change last if you return to the home or will he revert back to old and familiar behaviors? Having gotten you back into the home, will it be harder for you to leave?
Assuming he is sincere (and not just trying to manipulate you back) and assuming he will really work on changing, are you willing to wait it out? Real change takes real time – and may actually never even happen. Are you in it for the long run whatever the outcome?
You didn’t mention how serious the issues are. Are they amenable to change? Is it possible to stay there while he’s working through them? How are your children being impacted? Which is the better message for them – commitment at all costs or knowing when it is killing you and time to walk away?
This is just the beginning of the kind of introspection required. Again, I don’t presume to know your situation and these are difficult and complicated inquiries. It is certainly worth asking yourself these questions before finalizing your divorce but whether it is appropriate to go ahead with it is something only you can determine. I highly recommend finding a therapist/mentor/ third party with whom you can discuss your situation and get some objective feedback. I also recommend prayer – ask the Almighty to give you the clarity and the strength for whatever difficult choices lie ahead.
Joining New Synagogue
Dear Emuna,
We just moved to a new city and are in the process of choosing a new rabbi and synagogue. We were members of our former synagogue for 20 years and loved the rabbi and the congregation. Membership dues are expensive so we don’t want to make the wrong choice. And of course we want to enjoy the experience. Can you help us decide?
New Neighbors
Dear New Neighbors,
It’s great that a synagogue is one of the first things you are looking for now that you have moved. I think that you could look at choosing a rabbi like choosing a doctor. There a number of different things you want to look for – a shared philosophy, a personal connection, the appropriate education background, and certain physical proximity to name a few. I would begin by asking around and then you can engage in the process colloquially known as “shul-hopping”.
Visit a different synagogue (among the ones that fit your criteria) every week to see if you enjoy the other members. How welcoming are they? What kind of educational and social programming do they have? Where do they stand on matters important to you – obviously their Jewish perspective but also their position on Israel (not to be taken for granted these days unfortunately), their political leanings and so on. You want a place where you feel comfortable on the one hand (as in among like-minded people) and are pushed to grow on the other.
If you have children, you certainly want to see what kind of children’s programming they have and what is the future path of the children who grow up in this community (academically, Jewishly etc). It is a serious question with potentially serious implications and since you are asking me, I know that you are not treating it cavalierly. Better not to rush and wait to find the place that works than to put yourself somewhere that will be difficult to endure.
As I suggested to the first writer, it is always appropriate to ask the Almighty for strength and clarity in making decisions, and certainly where the decision affects your spiritual life and spiritual future. I hope you find a warm, welcoming, and growth-oriented community. It sounds like that’s what you’re looking for!
(5) Anonymous, February 15, 2016 12:56 PM
Be safe.
So many women are enticed back. The soon to be "ex" partner vows to change. But....then...the wife, when she goes to discuss reconciliation, disappears, and is never heard from again. I live in Texas, near I35E. There is a billboard near me (for 15 years) asking for information about the death or disappearance of a mother, school teacher who took one last chance to reconcile. She was never seen again. The billboard stands as a lonely epitaph on the highway.
(4) Anonymous, February 12, 2016 4:02 AM
Decisions - to be or NOT to be
This is strictly something only you can decide - outside opinions need to stay there - My best friend said "divorce him - definitely!" But when her husband was ready to leave with his lover, divorce was NOT an option." it's so easy to give advice BUT the party giving the advice isN'T in your shoes - those are the shoes that will have to walk the path YOU choose - it's your choice - only you know what you can and can't live with. getting advice from others is chancy at best - if you can find someone to just listen without judgement - for only you have and will be the one dealing with the consequences either way. Prayer is good. take care, be happy whichever tack you take.
(3) Anonymous, February 11, 2016 8:54 PM
Both parties have work, not just "him"
Why are your emails and advice so one sided? There's never been ONE divorce yet where all the fault is one sided, yet your response to "So confused" was limited to finding a neutral party to discuss the situation and get some feedback. No matter how "he" changes, "she", also, must do some changing. If divorce was on the plate, then BOTH parties need to work to fix the problems; pinning the fixing on "him" alone will breed resentment, intolerance, and disrespect for the father (no matter how well "he's changed"), an unhealthy environment for any children to see done to any parent. BOTH parents must accept liability for any marital dissolution, and telling "So Confused" to seek counseling for mere feedback on her position is insufficient. BOTH parties had SOME role in the failure of the relationship, BOTH must have an investment in the outcome and have a role in WORKING towards that outcome, or else all the "changing" he does to make the marriage viable will constitute doing nothing but spinning his wheels, while she does nothing but throw up her hands in resignation and while the children suffer in an unnecessary purgatory.
Anonymous, February 16, 2016 7:26 AM
Read the letter properly
If you read what she has written, she has been going to therapy, and working on her own growth, but he has refused to join her in therapy or to try to make any changes. She does not claim that she is blameless, just thst she has tried to fix things, but can't do it on her own since he refuses to even try to improve things.
(2) Anonymous, February 11, 2016 5:51 PM
Difficult situation.
When I first read the first letter, I thought the husband is just trying to manipulate the wife. Or that reality slapped him in the face when the wife moved out and he's panicking. That's still my gut feeling. But then I thought: "You never know." Maybe he is sincere. Maybe he will "do anything to get her back" and will really try. It's much more complicated than any of us know, but if the wife has it in her to give it one more chance, then what does she have to lose? Maybe they can continue to live separately and see if he really makes an effort. I wish you both hatzlacha and clarity.
Anonymous, February 11, 2016 7:50 PM
She could lose a lot!
The writer asks "what does she have to lose"... If the husband was ABUSIVE then she [potentially] has a LOT to lose.... In this case, I think that the advice was "spot on" -- have a third party help to evaluate the situation and prayer.
Anonymous, February 12, 2016 12:08 AM
There are certain behaviors that will probably not change, sadly, such as addictive behaviors. He can make all the promises in the world, but won't end up being able to resist in many cases. you don't state at all what it is that made it so impossible to go on living with him. Just remember that he may sincerely want to change but may not being able or may not be ready, no matter how much he wants it. My ex didn't want to lose his family, I'm sure, but his addictions just got the best of him and he did not want to put in the effort to seek the kind of help he needed.
(1) Anonymous, February 10, 2016 6:13 PM
Been there, done that
Dear So Confused
I have not revealed my name here, but only to protect the guilty. My WIFE of 18 years was the same as your husband. While I ran from Rav to Rebbe to psychologist to shrink to therapist...you get it. She refused to go until the Beit Din sent us back together, AFTER I had filed for divorce that she promised to change
Oh, she dragged me to a counselor of HER choice until that counselor told her that SHE was wrong, ONE time. That was the end of that.
Tell hubby, in no uncertain terms, that there is only ONE chance. He will pick someone to go to, or you will pick for the both of you. If he refuses, it's over.
If he consents, you both pick three things that you need the other to change to make the marriage work. You write them down, the counselor draws up an agreement, you both sign.
He has two to three WEEKS maximum to show that he is changing and will change.
For example, I picked that my wife had to get parenting classes, go regularly to a therapist of her choice, and to switch to another shrink. One who would more closely regulate her meds (a borderline psychotic she often slipped over the border)
Watch his behavior. Pick things of long-term benefit that will last far longer than the three weeks, and make sure he is committed to them.
Try it. BE CAREFUL!
Too many times I believed and relied on my spouse to change, and she did, for awhile, before slipping back into old behavior patterns.
Check in with your person of choice after the time interval.
Do NOT, under ANY circumstances recant or extend the time.
Sure there are consequences to divorce, not least of all to the children, but staying for their sake is liable to do more harm than good in the long run.
Best of luck. Say some Tehillim. Pray and wait and hope. God will help.
Anonymous, February 12, 2016 12:05 AM
What are the issues?
I don't see how the letter writer can expect any accurate advice when she doesn't state anything about what the problems in the marriage are! There are certain things that can be worked on and worked out; others can not. Dealing with an abuse issue, for instance, is very, very different than dealing with bad habits, bad parenting, neglectful behavior, different religiously levels, etc. THE ISSUES make all the difference, and giving advice without knowing what we are dealing with is absolutely useless.
Anonymous, February 14, 2016 1:44 PM
the idea was help
The idea is to get those issues out in the open together with an experienced Torah-true counselor to see what can and should be worked on, and what is beyond saving.
Abuse, mental illness, manipulation, co-dependence, addiction are all issues. Some can be dealt with, some changed, and some not.
Getting advice from "Da'as Torah" was and is the idea. The Torah has all he answers. We just have to access them.
Without talking about them, and getting them into the open there is NO chance whatsoever.
Once the issues are out and before a proper counselor, there is, at least sometimes, a chance.
That was the whole point.
-Still anonymous
Anonymous, February 12, 2016 12:13 AM
When dealing with a spouse who is mentally ill, I don't believe that even all the help in the world will change the problems. Better to get out as quickly as possible and get your kids into a safer, healthier environment. Sad. My husband has borderline personality disorder, appears normal to the outside world, but inside the home, he'd blow up in rages, become violent, be irrationally hard on the kids (verbally, not physically thank Gd), and it was so unhealthy for them. Divorce is a painful solution but nevertheless the best so,union in this type of case, When someone is mentally ill but doesn't know it, like my husband, you can't get them to seek the proper help. They always blame the spouse and take no responsibility for the problems they cause.