Divorcing an Ailing Husband

I took care of my lady, who was paralyzed from the neck down with chronic-progressive MS, for 16 years until her death. It was physically demanding (although probably less so than for a woman taking care of a man), but so infinitely spiritually rewarding. I liken it to the Aron haKodesh. The luchot weighed about a ton, according to Rabbinic tradition, and the Aron itself several hundred pounds more. How could four men bear it. And the Sages answer: the ark bore its bearers. The intense spirituality of the luchot actually levitated the Aron. In the same way, she bore me up spiritually all that time.

Hi Emuna, My older daughter moved to a place in North Tel Aviv (near her mother-in-law) that is difficult to get to by public transport. I sometimes make the effort to visit, which can take up to 3 hours from Jerusalem. It's a big shelp but I want to see my grandchildren. However, I often feel I am not treated with enough consideration. When I arrive she is not even home and does not take my calls. When I ask her to pick me up from a bus stop (5 minute drive), she takes her time and makes me wait for half an hour. When I stay over, she puts me up in the bomb shelter on a mattress. But she complains that nobody visits her. Obviously, there's unfinished business with me that she refuses to address. I avoid voicing complaints in front of the children, but when I do, she turns things around in her favor and tells me her life is difficult and I should just cool off. Her husband and her live a comfortable life with vacations abroad, nice home, two vehicles and she's more or less a stay-at-home mom, while I raised her and her siblings as a struggling single mother. She also abandoned Judaism entirely and I feel she enjoys putting all this in my face: her tatooes, her pepperoni pizza and the fact that she lives a privileged life. Perhaps she thinks she is too good for me? I don't know. I just know her children adore me. My daughter warns me not to dare make them do teshuvah. She is nearing 40 so the time to fix her mother's issues is long overdue. On the other hand, she wouldn't dare treat her dad this way, although he disappeared from their lives during childhood and adolescence and she reveres him. I want to see her children regularly. What should I do?

I disagree partly with your advice, I agree just accept that she is always late, but secondly, don't let her hold up plans, just get started without her, order the food, if your out, she will have to play catch up, and you guys won't be hungry and waiting!

One of the few times that I strongly disagree with Mrs. Braverman. How can one be concerned about the effect on the children's view of marriage and on the other hand indicate that we can't judge her? If her approach is acceptable, then the kids should know that it is. I would say that looking at the effect on the kids s actually a window for us adults to see just how wrong this woman is. Not only in she wrong; she is close to evil. She married him and she needs to be told to stay with him. We do not run the world. And assuming that one has a long time to live is not a good "segula" for long, healthful life. Who knows how she may be tested soon. If she leaves him, he'll find a compassionate woman who wants companionship and the pleasure of taking care of someone. And this woman may be alone for the rest of her life. There are very many older women around that have never had a husband. Someone needs to speak to this woman very directly!

I enjoy your column very much. This divorcing an ailing husband caught my eye. As a medical professional and a caregiver of an ailing husband myself I am well aware of the pain & conflict on the side of the caregiver spouse. Please know that there is an often overlooked crucial part of caring for an ill person and that is CAREGIVER SUPPORT. That comes in many forms & has multiple components. All caregiver spouses have times when they feel overwhelmed, angry, like they want to divorce or leave, and even that they don't even know if they want the person to get better or keep on living. It is crucial that family not be judgemental & that they be empathetic & supportive. Know that sometimes caregivers say things that sound outlandish because they are venting. It is truly overwhelming at times and it is very isolating to be the caregiver. Often the caregiver is thrown into the role of caregiver when they are already burned out and drained from the illness & process that led to the diagnosis. While the patient is lieing there in bed & getting everyone's empathy, attention and the sleep they need, the caregiver is left exhausted, overwhelmed & looked down upon for having any physical or emotional needs themselves. This woman's sister I think needs her own oxygen mask put on first. She is probably, scared, overwhelmed, & having so many normal emotions for someone in her position that can't be described here. She needs the unconditional love & support of her family. She needs the space & time to choose to stay instead of feeling trapped in this nightmare that just happened to her, And she needs a support network- perhaps a support group, a social worker, a mental health professional, a rabbi, her family and she needs permission to feel whatever she feels & permission & encouragement to take time to attend to her personal needs. Find other women out there- we need to help each other. I am happy to offer support etc to any women who you come across & would be happy to try & form some sort of support group. Thanks for "listening" Hatzlacha

Nobody knows what went on behind the closed doors! Other than a "paper divorce" which will bring benefits to the disabled husband I can only think that this was a very sick marriage! We need to have mercy on both of them!

Some of the posters here have been expressing harsh words about the wife. The truth is that we really do not know what we would do if we were in the same situation. Perhaps the divorce is only a "paperwork solution." No matter what this couple decides to do, there will most certainly be pain throughout the family. Let's please show some rachmunes (sp?) for this couple and their children.

There are comments on here saying she could lose her home, etc. I don't know the facts, so she should consult an attorney qualified to advise her on these matters. I am aware that some couples get a civil divorce while remaining religiously married so the ill partner can receive more financial benefits.

I would also point out that the sons and daughters of this couple are likely to be adults.

Having said all this, I can't imagine leaving my husband under these circumstances. I've seen previous generations of my family become caregivers and I hope I would have the stamina and compassion to do the same if necessary.

I had a catastrophic health condition a decade ago. I was talking to my now grown son. "I really love Dad for taking care of you during that time" he told me. Me, too.

We can so not judge!! My mother cared for her sick husband 24/7.... She couldn't do enough!! Others are wired differently! If I were this woman's friend I'd just support her decision! May all cholim have a quick Refuah Shlayma.... Physically & Emotionally!

Dear Burnt Out,
It is very tragic to have to see your life partner slowly losing his functions. I believe the response of the rest of your immediate family really affect the way you react to this situation. So I do not condemn you for wanting to leave your husband when there is no one who is able to share in the increasing stress of caring for the family.
In my home at present, it is a physically handicapped 84 year old father and mildly disabled second brother. We are having a second home help in 2 years. (They are on 2 year contracts).
It is crucial that every caregiver involved has adequate respite and rest ; that they support each other while maintaining close communication ties.

The woman who is choosing to divorce an ailing husband.

The beginning of your reply is sensitive. However, commenting on how "the decision would impact the children....". Whether the illness is sudden, or degenerative, the option was: (a) Stay in the marriage (and no one knows exactly what type of marriage this was) and live a life of sorrow - would ultimately create two victims: the husband and the wife who will surely suffer - affecting her capacity to be a true Mother to her children.
Or (b) Leave the marriage - thus precluding the children from watching two parents suffer. Once on her feet, she could be helpful in some capacity with the husband's care, while able to lead a life of her own. In this case the children would see a mother who can rise to these enormous challenges and bring STRENGTH to the equation, rather than being a victim of circumstances.

As well, Judaism does not include 'vows" - this is a Christian element. The Ketubah is a contract, in essence protecting a woman (in days of yore when women were considered "chattel"). People who are ill are often incapable of expressing love and/or appreciation to the Caregiver. In some cases, the ill person is very resentful of the person who is healthy.

All these are points of consideration and ultimately the choice is left to the PERSON WHO IS DIRECTLY AFFECTED IN SUCH A HEART-RENDING SITUATION.

One can only hope that family members show only love and support to the family. Experience has shown that in many cases family go AWOL when tragedy strikes.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:
(1) This is something I read in an old issue of Mainstay (the newsletter of the Well Spouse Association; a well spouse is what your sister is): A well spouse was advised BY HER CHILDREN to get a divorce. "We don't want to have TWO ill parents" is what they said. (Being a well spouse caregiver puts anyone at risk for getting sick, often seriously sick, further down the line.)

(2) Your sister and her husband's marriage might not have been not that great BEFORE his illness. A well spouse friend of mine once, several decades ago, was about to divorce her husband when he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Because she was afraid people would think that was the reason for her divorcing him, she changed her mind. She is still stuck in a loveless marriage to someone who has considerable cognitive loss.

(3) More about the impact on the children: The children will have a lot to work through, whatever decision their mother makes. And they WILL work it through, though in my own experience that takes time.

(4) Some chronic progressive incurable illnesses are associated with dementia and the resulting paranoia, in particular about money matters. My first husband's M.S. eventually reached these proportions. He believed that I was stealing money from him and as a result he removed his disability and social security payments from our joint account, causing great financial stress to a family already stressed in so many other ways.

(6) It would be nice if love lasted forever, but it very likely won't, even if your sister chooses not to divorce.

-- I am the author of two "well spouse memoirs": Dirty Details: The Days and Nights of a Well Spouse, and Still the End: Memoir of a Nursing Home Wife. There is a lot in these books to make the case for your sister to divorce her husband.
I'm glad the answer posted was non-judgmental.

Since the letter writer is the sister - the reasons for or against divorce are not relevant. I think the focus should be giving the sister unconditional love and support (which should not include any lectures about marriage unless asked for) Best thing to do is put her in touch with a therapist, rabbi or someone who can support her and encourage her to make the best decisions. This situation is obviously multi faceted. Sister needs some non emotionally involved, non judgmental guidance from an outsider and unconditional support from family at the same time.
Hatzlacha!

Someone who's consistently late to family functions (and other occasions as well) is not just unable to get themselves out the door on time... It's known I psychology to be a manifestation of feelings of aggression (passive aggressive) and subconsciously the person has bad feelings inside and is acting out. This person needs some help and should be encouraged to seek therapy and explore what it is exactly that causes them to act in this hostile way, especially towards family members. And I also disagree with the tepid response....while it may not seem like a terrible problem which should be cause for a family feud, it is a nasty and hostile act, subconscious or not, towards family members, and is repeatedly inconveniencing all of them every time...once in a while lateness is of course understandable and forgivable, but repeated lateness is much worse,

My goodness, I hope you are not someone in my close circles! I am terrible with time management, and I am actually very often late to all sorts of things. I never quite thought of myself as passive aggressive, hostile or nasty, and to the best of my knowledge, my spouse, family members, and friends don't either. Maybe I'm oblivious or in denial and/or they are very good liars. I take very much issue with this response, though. In the meantime, why don't you try feeling pity (at least) for the latecomers in your life, instead of holier-than-thou disgust.

There is no other background information provided by Family Man about his eldest sister except that she is late for the get togethers she herself organises.
Ask yourselves, who prompted her to organise them?
Why did she organise them actually?
She may need therapy or someone can ask her for what reason she wants the family to come together. There could be something she wants to talk to you about, something crucial. Go read the Book of Esther. How and why Queen Esther invited Haman and King Aharsuarus 2 times for a closed door dinner

I think what her sister means is that she will soon become like an "aguna". her husband will be alive but there will not be a real relationship. My be at some point he will loose his senses and will not be able to give her a "get". divorcing and getting remarried does not mean she will abandon her husband. It means she will go on living.

I can't say I agree with your advice.
Yes, how wonderful for the family to all want to be together and spend time together.
But...this daughter is a selfish narcissist. She is thoughtless, only caring about herself and her wants and needs.
A suggestion: tell her that the event (whatever that may be) begins an hour before it actually does. See if she shows up on time.
She disregards other's feelings. I wouldn't wait for her next time. She sounds like a spoiled brat.

Perhaps I am being starry-eyed, but, if there is true love in a marriage, than the highs and lows and sicknesses and 'health's' and woes and 'blisses', all of these things can be properly dealt with. This is what makes a marriage. (Woes do not include physical or mental abuse.)
How would any spouse in a loving marriage like a situation wherein they were stricken and the partner was looking for an out?

What is going on in this world and Judaism today? When you marry and supposedly have a good marriage for 30 years with 4 "wonderful" Kinder, and your spouse becomes I'll (terminally) just become selfish? Would she like it if G-D forbid the situation was reversed? Going through the same in my life(wife), I just cannot or fathom how a spouse can act in such a disgraceful, uncaring manner in such a time of need. No, I am not judging, just commenting on the decline of morality and decency in both modern civilization and Judaism today. The tepid response is just as a Shonda, and no doubt another reason why young people are not staying with Halacha and decency in the world today. Very, very sad indeed.

Just because Judaism doesn't include the words "for better or for worse" in the wedding ceremony - actually I think "in sickness and in health" are more to the point - doesn't mean that Jewish marriage does not incorporate this concept. "A strong depth of commitment" which leaves an out for someone who doesn't want to take care of their ailing spouse, is not a commitment at all. More to the point, Jewish marriage is not simply a commitment. It is a covenant. It makes two people become one - it creates a family. Husbands and wives enter into a covenant of unconditional love, which is supposed to reflect God's love for His people. And God has shown us through His own example, what unconditional love is. He never broke his covenant with his people, even when his people broke it. He always remained and remains faithful. And if we are His people, then how can we sanction the breaking up of families and abandoning of spouses, especially when they are ill and suffering? That is the opposite of love. Without a doubt love is difficult at times. But in no way does that excuse us from the commandment to love. I agree with the comment above.

You're very wise, Emuna. Very wise.

My sister is always late, too, but then so am I. I'm the oldest and she is next in line. We don't exactly compete, but I suspect some of our sibs may think of it that way. In any event, they don't bother either of us as much since one of them told me, "You'll be late to your own funeral!" and it came to me to respond, "I certainly hope so."

Perhaps you might not realize that due to legal/financial/Medicaid issues, it might be in the best interests of the family for the woman to divorce her husband. The wife will have to totally deplete the family assets in order to get any financial assistance from social security; would living a life in poverty be what you want for her for the rest of her life? Beyond that, and separate, as someone with a chronic, debilitating disease, and as someone who watched her mother wither away, you have no clue how difficult the life is. And, sorry, she does have the right to have a life, she is young, she has been taking care of him up till now. Would you want her to be an agunnah for the rest of her life?! You are condemning her to be an agunnah, if we scream for the getless woman to be able to remarry, why are you denying that right to this young woman. But again, the strongest argument is my first, I have seen this scenario before and divorce is the best, only option.

If they are late by a 1/2 an hour consistently (or whatever it is) tell them you'll meet them a 1/2 hour earlier. Now of course they'll figure it out if you make this arrangement all the time, but when you do and it works, it's great!

62 Valentine's Days ago my wife and I made our vows. Now that my wife is fighting off stage 4 breast cancer, she has a husband who is always with her, always making sure her food is prepared the way it should be for someone fighting the Big C.

Some people just don't believe in keeping promises. And then there are those who love their mate much too much to make a parting of the ways.

My second husband (he wasn't Jewish so my divorce was a blessing in disguise) said he didn't want to be married to a "crip" and spend the rest of his life pushing me in a wheelchair. He said I was supposed to support him and now "I was reneging on it by applying for social security disability." In divorce court, he was ordered to pay spousal support which he protested saying I should be able to support myself. The judge said that he wasn't going to argue with social security!

I ended up moving in with my parents temporarily, and divorced him. I ended up returning to Judaism, searching for healing. With physical therapy, I got out of my wheelchair, began using a walker, and eventually married a Jewish man who accepted my disabilities. Now walk with a cane, and have no idea what became of my other husband. Thankfully, we didn't have any children.
Now, my mom has dementia, and my dad is saying "what good is she to me now that she can't cook, care for the house, etc." they have been marred 65 years. I don't think divorce crossed his mind, and Dad has been trying to keep her at him. My sister was named caregiver & power of attorney over mom if dad goes first. I know she is sick of caring for mom which is why she wants to put mom in an institution. I made some suggestions on finding a good care, place, but she isn't listening. I think that she just wants to get on with her life and enjoy whatever money she is getting from dad & later when have power over mom's money. She is coming across as heartless and selfish.
So, I can't say a thing about the woman who wants to divorce her husband to live her life. I've seen it in reality in my own family!

Regarding the divorce of husband with degenerative disease, it
would be very loving if he spoke up and requested the divorce. As one with a very slow but degenerative disease, I would certainly speak up. Why should he drag her down? A real mensch would address the issue himself but apparently he isn't.
Regardless what the kids think, she should take time and make the decision herself. Who knows, he may outlast her. I have twice.

The man in this issue is fighting for his life. My definition of a mensh is an honest, honorable person, not a person that chooses NOT to be left alone due to a degenerative disease.

My husband's sister-in-law had to face this decision. Her husband had a serious, debilitating degenerative disease. She decided to divorce him for a practical reason: The cost of the full- time healthcare in a nursing home would have forced her & her children to lose their home & savings. Do not assume that health insurance will cover these types of expenses. It was a difficult decision for my husband's sister-in-law. Both sides of the family was supportive. Later, we all cried when he was buried in Israel. May he rest in peace.

When marriage was invented - back in ancient times - lifespans were shorter, people did not usually languish from illnesses for decades, and people aged faster. In ancient times, fewer people would have been trapped for another 30 years as a nursemaid to an invalid - who cannot truly be a spouse in the real sense of the word. I think in modern times, it should be accepted that a marriage can be over if one of the spouses develops a health condition that is expected to last for decades and never get better. Note that I didn't say the marriage MUST end - only that it can. And it wouldn't have to be an I-hate-your-guts kind of divorce. The couple could still consider themselves dear friends, and the healthy one could provide help and comfort to the greatest extent that she wished. But she would not have to stay home with a sick person every single evening for the next 30 years. She would not have to miss every interesting thing in the world outside, just because she had to be chained to his side all the time. It is totally unfair to enslave someone that way. If she feels that she has to stay in the marriage, she will begin to resent him and even hate him. I'm speaking from experience.

My siblings dealt with my ability to be late, no matter what time we started, by telling me the event was called for an hour earlier than it actually was. That way I would probably get there only about 15 minutes late. We generally get along well, though, so after one or two events they told me the plan, and since then there have been times now that I have actually been early!

Regarding 1st sister who wants to divorce her ailing husband. I think there is a likelihood that there are underlying resentments in the marriage that long pre-dated the illness, and cannot be erased by the sympathy she may have in his illness.
Regarding second sister, if you always wait for her before beginning celebration/activity, she certainly won't change. If you begin whatever before she comes, and you are up to dessert when she arrives, she might eventually realize that she is losing out and come a bit earlier. You may just have to do it a few times before she learns her lesson. But try not to feel the anger.

Your answer to the sister that is always late was excellent. Usually, these people believe the world revolves around them. We had a similar person in our midst, and the best decision we came to was to start things without her being there. After waiting thru several functions with her always being late, we decided to just start without her -- we always waited a while after the appointed time to give her the benefit of time. Her reputation was that 'she would be late to her own funeral'. Then we 'wizened' up. Although she fussed, she began to understand. Her punctuality improved, not perfectly mind you, but noticeably. If it's important to be somewhere, than a considerate person will make the effort.