Dear Emuna,
My sister-in-law’s brother is getting married this summer. Of course, I’m happy for them but I don’t know him very well and I don’t think I’ll know anyone at the wedding other than my husband and my sister-in-law, who will obviously be busy with her family.
The wedding hall is about an hour from our house and between the babysitter, the tolls and the gas, this will be an expensive venture. Additionally, it will be hours and hours of “unproductive” time. I’d really like to just stay home but I don’t want to disappoint my husband or my sister-in-law. I also don’t want to appear curmudgeonly. What do you suggest?
Wedding Weary
Dear Wedding Weary,
You had me until I saw how you signed your letter. It’s not that I’m not empathic. It can be overwhelming - physically, emotionally, financially - to go out too frequently at night. The house suffers. The kids and their homework suffer. It’s just plain draining. But it is also a simcha, a joyous occasion and I think that we should never complain about the opportunity to participate in a simcha.
I don’t want to be melodramatic but I just imagine what people during the Holocaust would have given for the opportunity to add just one wedding, let alone a whole neighborhood’s worth. In addition, we need to remember how we felt at our own celebrations, how important it was to us to have our friends and family come and share the occasion with us.
We want to give that gift to others. And we want to be grateful that we live in a time and a community where such celebrations are frequent.
One possible solution that covers the issues mentioned and the tremendous time drain is to try to curtail the amount of time spent at the wedding. Instead of attending from the chuppah through dessert, it's possible to go for a much shorter time span - for just the chuppah or the first dance or...well of course that’s up to you. It doesn’t alleviate all your issues but it does reduce the frustration over wasted time as well as a significant portion of the expense.
It is definitely difficult standing around at a wedding waiting for the bride and groom to come out for the first dance but remember that each family and each couple have their own separate story. Each one of them has challenges they conquered and faced that led to this moment and we want to help them celebrate this effort. It is a big mitzvah to participate in the joy of another. If we really put ourselves in their shoes we would be so overwhelmed with joy, we wouldn’t even consider not attending.
Even in our most frustrated and overwhelmed moments, we need to remind ourselves how lucky we are to live in a flourishing community where simchas are so commonplace. They are not a cause for frustration; they are an opportunity for rejoicing.
(15) Hadassah iwanier, March 3, 2020 7:13 PM
Absolutely the right answer! Yasher Koiach
As above
(14) Anonymous, March 1, 2020 9:11 AM
You’re missing the point
I first want to admit that it’s easy to give my two cents, but it’s difficult for me to follow my own advice.
The real question is- how close is she to her sister in law? If they have a close relationship, then she should go. The point of going is not for herself, but for her sister in law. Will her sister be happy if she comes, and disappointed if she doesn’t attend the wedding? She should be going for her sister in law’s sake, NOT her own. And, yes, it is an expense, and yes, it is far from home.
And if the questioner is shy, so yes, it might be difficult to attend the wedding. I know that feeling because I am shy, and going to a Simcha where I know no one or hardly anyone is very difficult for me. So, how do I handle it? I daven to Hashem and ask Him to help me meet someone. And, B’ H it has worked.
Unless the couple has two cars, and plan on going separately advising the questioner to leave early isn’t viable. Also, I it’s an opportunity for the husband and wife to drive to the wedding together, and spend some time together.
If it’s really difficult for her to attend, making a Sheva Brachos is a great idea ( which a different commentator suggested).
(13) SKT, February 28, 2020 8:13 PM
Holocaust Guilt Way Out Of Line
I found the Holocaust guilt part of the response at best inappropriate and borderline offensive. As a mom of young children, I've said no to a lot more things lately so I can feel more balanced and present for my family.
(12) MESA, February 28, 2020 1:22 PM
Dear Wedding Weary,
I have attended at least 3 different events in which my husband had the connection and I didn't know anyone. I decided to wear a fabulous outfit, eat the good food, people-watch, dance, and enjoy. It was so worth it. I wound up meeting a number of wonderful people at each of these events and at least one told me that it was terrific of me to accompany my husband.
On the other hand, I remember a different event in which we both had the connection but we felt as if our presence was not appreciated any more than your average Joe Shmoe off the street. And that event was a real schlep for us with babysitting, tolls, and other things.
Ultimately, it's your call whether or not to go. There are pros and cons. Your husband should go but you need to decide. Just think carefully.
(11) Anonymous, February 27, 2020 10:42 PM
You ignored the most important aspect!
It seems to me that if the writer does NOT know either the Bride or the Groom -- for whom is she going to a wedding that she does not wish to attend? Is she going to make the SISTER OF THE GROOM happy (when she notes that the S-I-L will likely be too busy to pay much attention AND she will not know anyone else)?? I am not even sure that the HUSBAND should go... It seems to me to be MUCH "nicer" to attend (or host) a "Sheva Brachot" -- which REQUIRES "Panim Chadashot" -- i.e., people who did NOT attend the original wedding. A Sheva Brachot is typically NOT going to "run late", is a "quieter affair", usually does not have more than 20 - 25 attendees (and I have been present where there were less than 20 people). Furhter, this would actually give the writer a chance to MEET the bride and groom and -- maybe -- have a "closer" relationship with the family. Contrast this to attending an event where (1) she does not really know anyone (except the S-I-L), (2) the event is exhausting, and (3) where she is likely to feel isolated ...
Advising this wirter to attend a wedding under such conditions (especially when there are alternative) appears to border on sadism....
(10) Anonymous, February 27, 2020 5:59 PM
You ignored the most important aspect!
If the writer DOES NOT KNOW the Bride and Groom -- why should she go? Who is she "making happy"? I am not even sure that her HUSBAND should go since it is not clear to me how much HE knows the parties (though obviously he would konw the groom). More important -- there isa time-honored custom of "Sheva Brachot" -- where one must have "Panim Chadashot" -- people who did NOT attend the wedding. These tend to be much shorter, less elaborate, and can be quite pleasant. Instead of shlepping to a wedding where she will be bored, stressed, etc., why not tell the S-I-L thatthey would prefer to attend (or maybe even HOST) Sheva Brachot... This will give the opportunity to "make the new couple happy"...
(9) Anonymous, February 27, 2020 3:47 PM
I live "in town", I get it. Please do not attend. This week alone I had 5 dinners, (all of them being my children's current or previous Yeshivas or Bais Yaakovs.) In addition can have up to 4 or 5 weddings a week, kein yirbu.
B'H we are inundated with Simchas, may it always continue.
That said unless if its a very close friend I no longer attend. My children want and need me at home. Parents belong at home. Additionally constantly leaving the home makes for very tired grumpy and kvetchy parents. Your children deserve better. Mazel tov!
(8) richard, February 27, 2020 3:24 PM
My problem with weddings and other affairs.
I generally go to the ceremonies and skip the dinners and such. I can't handle the crowds and the noise. In the past, I almost always left during the parties on account of the noise, etc. I don't want to waste the celebrants money so I just tell them I'll be there for the ceremony and skip the meals and band, etc.
(7) KH Ryesky, February 27, 2020 2:20 PM
What about the decibel level?
Maybe weddings would not make people so "weary," and not be so "unproductive," if the music noise levels were not so damaging to everyone's hearing. One would think that the more Orthodox you are, the louder you are required to have the band play the music, and the greater the physical pain and hearing loss the Torah requires you to afflict your guests with.
I have a decibel app on my cellphone. I also frequently bring my industrial ear protectors. They are red, so when the parents view the videos 10, 20, and 30 years down the road, those mazikim will see that they were causing people pain!
But I also have (and frequently exercise) the option of walking out of the room to protect my hearing and minimize my hearing loss; the toddlers and infants in the room do not have such an option.
https://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/the-intolerable-loudness-of-simcha-music/2016/07/08/
https://www.clalit.co.il/he/your_health/Preventive_medicine/Documents/noise.pdf
Nancy, March 24, 2020 9:19 PM
To commenter #7 KY Ryesky
I completely agree with your sentiment re: the volume at the various Simchas. With that said, I am looking forward to attending one when our lives get back to normal. Stay healthy and safe everyone!!
(6) Richard Polak, February 27, 2020 2:13 PM
Thanks for putting this in perspective
Perfect timing for me. We have to go to a wedding tonight that I wasn’t looking forward to. However, after reading your response, I change my attitude. It’s all a gift and I’m grateful.
(5) Raquel, February 27, 2020 11:13 AM
It is NOT unproductive time
I dont get if youre a workaholic or an obsessive for the house or youre starting a depression or if youre painfully shy. It is family. Maybe one day these people who are marrying can support you. You are investing time in family bonding. Yes iyou are part of that family. Put on your bestt smile and GO!
(4) Anonymous, February 27, 2020 3:59 AM
Simcha Strain
Dear Emuna,
Living in an 'in town' community, with very many local relatives and friends, I can find a simcha to attend EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Now I am truly happy for all the couples and their extended family; it is definitely wonderful that there are so many simchas. But the obligations and pressures society has put on us are more than just a burden; they are truly impossible at times. My grandparents are both Auschwitz survivors but I fail to see how that obligates us to leave the house every other night for a neighbor's, cousin's, sister's, friend's etc simcha! The Holocaust was a horrific period in Jewish history, but today's overwhelmingly hectic lifestyle is golus too! Most of us are chasing our tails, between jobs, children, parents and myriad other duties and no, it is not necessary to attend the simcha of someone you dont know well. Most simchas are jammed with people and many times it feels as though the immediate family cannot even properly greet, certainly not remember, every guest that came. I think the time has come to reevaluate certain societal norms. A simcha should not be stressful- go to the simchas that bring you joy and excitement and the baal simcha will mirror that joy and appreciate your presence.
(3) Naomi, February 26, 2020 1:27 PM
Touchy subject but I don't agree
Why is there any mitzvah in attending a wedding if you don't know the bride or groom?
Nor even their parents, who are paying for your plate?
The mitzvah is to bring joy to the bride and groom. If they don't know you, then they won't even notice your presence and it will bring them zero joy.
Meanwhile, you are costing the family $50-$150 by doing this "kindness" of showing up!
And they're paying this even though you don't want to be there!
Meanwhile, your home and family are suffering from your absence!
Despite these criticism, I thank you for raising this topic for discussion. The expectation that people disrupt their family lives to attend the family events of strangers is something that needs addressing in the Orthodox community
(2) Rachel, February 24, 2020 1:20 AM
If she’s not close to them, she need not go
I expect the letter writer and her husband are in the “must invite” category because excluding them would be rude. Why can’t the husband attend by himself? I am planning a wedding right now and there are several extended family members whom we are inviting because not doing so would be inappropriate. However, the bride and groom scarcely know them and would not be the least bit disturbed if they chose not to attend. Furthermore, at least where I am planning the wedding, caterers will charge for each person being seated whether it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours. I will not be pleased if I spend close to $100 for someone who leaves after the first dance. It’s a waste of my money and a waste of food. I don’t think anyone should feel guilt-tripped to attend a social event. Send a lovely gift or offer to co-host a Sheva brachot.
(1) Nancy, February 23, 2020 12:24 PM
I like the idea of a time limit
I agree that we should never take Simchas for granted. On the other hand, the issues the letter writer is presenting are realistic. Also, I'm guessing she is probably not the only extended family member facing this problem. Life is all about balance.