Dear Emuna,
We recently moved and my daughter started at a new school. She is 7 years old and the day is long (8 to 4). I try to send her a healthy lunch but I like to add a little treat to give her a boost and “sweeten” her day (forgive the pun). I don’t give her candy or chocolate but perhaps a few cookies or a muffin or some leftover cake/brownies from Shabbos. I recently received a note from the school that we are only allowed to send healthy snacks – because some kids might get jealous. I was outraged. I think it should be my choice not theirs. What should I do?
Frustrated parent
Dear Frustrated,
I am totally with you on this. I think the whole idea is absurd. We can’t spare our children situations where someone else may have either more than them or something they desire. There will be children with nicer clothes (even if there are uniforms, there are still shoes!). There will be children with nicer cars and nicer homes. There will even be children with seemingly nicer parents!
Our job is to give our children the tools they need to deal with situations of jealousy, not to try to protect them from it.
What if a child does better on a test? There are children who are smarter. What if a child is a good musician or athlete? There are children who are more talented. Our children can spend their lives miserable and jealous, God forbid, or they can learn to appreciate who they are and what they have – to be (as it says in Ethics of Our Fathers) – happy with their lot. Wouldn’t that be better for them than trying to create an artificial bubble for them to reside in, one which will at some point be burst?
That said, it is very difficult to fight city hall and schools are usually pretty intractable. Since you have entrusted your daughter to them (I assume you did research and that it is a school you like in general) for so much of her day, you want to try to get along with the staff and administration. Save your frustration for the situations that really matter (bullying, a destructive teacher, learning issues etc) and have some nice warm cookies and a glass of milk waiting for your daughter when she walks in the door.
Accept the situation and, most importantly, don’t let your daughter see your frustration with her school or give her any cause to lose respect for the staff there.
Unreceptive Teacher
Dear Emuna,
I have a daughter who is charming, kind and generous but not very academic. At the beginning of every school year, I try to sit down with her teacher and explain that. Her report cards always say that she needs to try harder and I want to let the teacher know that even that is a challenge for her. When I tried to enlighten her teacher about my daughter this year, the teacher was completely unreceptive. In fact her response was, “Too bad for her.” I left the room shaking and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
Frustrated parent
Dear Another Frustrated parent,
Well I can certainly tell that the school year has begun! I normally think it’s better not to go behind the teacher’s back but this case is a little trickier. Perhaps suggest a meeting with the teacher and the principal and you or, if there is one, the school psychologist, teacher and you. In addition to the idea that there are different kinds of minds/learning styles, we now also recognize that motivation and drive are not distributed evenly either (well most of us know; clearly that teacher doesn’t!)
Communicating this crucial idea to your daughter’s teacher will not only benefit your daughter but all her other students, current and future. The secret, of course, as with any interaction, is to approach your daughter’s teacher with respect and appreciation, not with frustration (no matter how much you feel it!) and criticism. “I know how hard your job is.” “I know how difficult it is to give students individual attention.” “I realize that your resources are very limited.” “I admire your commitment.” And my favorite (and true), “I could never do what you do!”
Everyone needs appreciation and teachers frequently get none. In fact they are frequently the target (and often incorrectly) of the parent’s frustration with their children’s academic and/or behavioral issues. So try to take the blame out of the equation and speak from a place of respect and understanding. Try to make a partnership with the teacher.
You know your daughter well; you love her yet you may also find some of her behaviors challenging. Make common cause with the teacher. You have a shared goal. If the teacher sincerely wants to do a good job (and I believe most do) and you approach her in a kind and respectful manner, I have every hope for your success.
Of course, ask the Almighty to give you the right words, the patience and the appreciation. If, after all of those efforts, you are met with no success, then you may have to battle the administration for a change of teacher or to take a harder line with the current one. I hope it won’t come to that but, unlike the previous letter writer, this is a situation where you need to really go to bat for your child, where the stakes are much higher than a few Oreos!
(9) Joey, October 3, 2018 12:35 AM
I will say to the second parent: make sure that the teacher understands that you're just asking for some patience with your child. I can see how your message could easily be misconstrued as "our kid isn't going to do very well, but we expect you to pass them anyway."
God bless!
Nancy, October 3, 2018 11:18 AM
To commenter #9 Joey
If indeed the parent conveyed the message you suggest, then the teacher should have probed further. It is ALWAYS incumbent upon the teacher (and of course a child's parents/guardians) to help a child become successful in school. However, the teacher simply dismissed everything the mother had to say.
(8) Bobby5000, October 1, 2018 7:04 PM
Listen to Your School
There should be a heavy presumption that the school/teacher is right in these situations. The teacher says your daughter needs to work harder to get good grades and you say the teacher needs to accept your daughter's mediocrity? If the school has certain rules regarding snacks, I think the child/parent should follow them. Imagine coming into a job and saying, you say my performance is substandard, I think you need to change your expectations and as to eating, I like to have my Chinese food and curry at 11:00 A.M. and the rest of the office needs to accept that.
Anonymous, October 1, 2018 7:38 PM
To commenter #8 Bobby5000
The child with the academic challenges HAS been trying as hard as she can, but is still having a lot of trouble in school. This child's teacher was not "right" in this situation. According to parental report, the teacher was totally cavalier in her attitude to the parent. This parent was looking for help and the teacher totally dismissed the parents concerns. Appropriate intervention is needed in such a situation.
Anonymous, October 3, 2018 9:20 AM
Reply to bobby5000
The analogy to a job is incorrect. Most people choose where they work, and when they do that, they pick a field of endeavor where they are proficient. School is forced upon a child, and the child is asked to excel in multiple areas. Most adults avoid the areas where their skill sets are weak. Children can't do that.
I am speaking as both a teacher and as a parent of a child with academic limitations. Most of her teachers understand this. A few didn't. In those situations, our goal was to help our daughter through the year with her self esteem intact, and that she should not lose her desire to go to school. While treating the teacher and school with respect. And all the goals were not easy
(7) Karen, October 1, 2018 6:24 PM
Parent advocating sweet snacks for child
Sugaring your child up during snack time is not doing her any favors. A few cookies is a significant amount of sugar just as candy or chocolate has a significant amount of sugar. Why set your child up for a sugar crash when you can support her good health and her life time healthy habits? The jealousy thing is ludicrous as stated by Emuna; however, many schools have this rule with the reason being children's health.
(6) Anonymous, October 1, 2018 11:30 AM
2 of you need English lessons
those concerns are not just ISSUES, they are problems. Just another example of the determination to weaken our language & destroy clarity. Fear of accuracy or offending the faux-liberal language Nazis.
Nancy, October 9, 2018 2:09 PM
To commenter #6 Anonymous
I agree that both letter writers are dealing with problems. However, it is not up to us to correct their terminology. Also, I am offended by any attempt to trivialize the word you used which starts with the letter N.
(5) Rachel, September 30, 2018 8:23 PM
Those who pay should call the tune
Parents sacrificing time and money to pay for private school tuition should have the most say over how their children are educated.
The snack issue should not be a particularly big deal unless a child has a medical issue that requires certain foods.
However, the teacher is the employee of the school at which the parent is the "customer". Can you imagine a salesperson, healthcare provider, or anyone else whom you pay for a service or product saying "too bad"? I am not talking about a disruptive or violent child, but a sweet girl who doesn't "get" everything the school is trying to teach her. As other commenters point out, there could be a learning disability. And quite frankly, just as there's an upper 1/2 of the class, there will always be a lower 1/2. That was as true at my elite law school as it was in 2nd grade.
The important thing for teachers to recognize is that a child who is trying is already succeeding. Test scores only demonstrate aptitude for a specific subject and accomplishment of specific goals. We need to make sure that no child thinks she is stupid, or that school is a horrible place, because of lack of academic achievements.
Alan S., September 30, 2018 11:46 PM
Excellent answer...
"Employee" or "customer", parents and teachers need to do the best they can for the child
Heather, December 12, 2018 2:57 AM
I disagree
Schools have standards and teachers have training, education, and experience when planning lessons and speaking with parents regarding the child's abilities.
Parents come to school with emotion and if a parent wants to have heavy control over their child's education... Well, that parent needs to homeschool rather than put them in an environment where professionals can do the job.
As a note, I just do not like when parents come to me at the beginning of the year before I've had a chance to meet and assess their child to tell me everything that is wrong with them. I've had parents tell me every disability under the sun and how many accommodations are needed and how their child just can't manage any other way only to find that the child needs very minimal accommodations and the child's actually quite bright and capable.
While a small note regarding legal accommodations is perfectly fine, an entire discussion for an hour about just how poorly abled the child is is not helpful or needed or even appropriate.
For goodness sake, give me time to meet your child and speak with them and review their abilities.
Nancy, December 13, 2018 12:33 PM
To commenter Heather
You sound very open minded and willing to help your students in any way possible. Nonetheless, it is crucial to read a child's IEP/504 plan if either one is in place. Teachers need to see this documentation, but it does not mean that they cannot think holistically. Re: Parents being emotional about their children. We all are. However, if parents and teachers communicate calmly with one another then the child will ultimately benefit.
(4) Anonymous, September 30, 2018 8:47 AM
Responses to commenter Bethany (#2) and the Anonymous responder to her.
Part 1: I can not agree more in support of the Anonymous responder to #2 Bethany (9/24 11:21) and am also troubled by Emuna's response, in light of her education in law and as a MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist), which did not even mention those same potential issues with which these children might be struggling.
This would have been an excellent opportunity for Emuna to educate our community about the need for open discussions and evaluations in areas schools often to not provide, are hesitant or resistant to address, more so in the private schools, especially the yeshivot, Jewish Elementary, and Jewish High Schools! Even the public schools in some school districts, some states, are restricted or very limited from being forthright to parents about possible diagnoses which should be explored with the child's pediatrician or a child psychiatrist, due to legal constraints. (Not a topic for this response.)
Nowhere in the parent's letter was any mention made of whether the child (actually in both parents' letters) had been evaluated for ADD/ADHD, or any of the specific learning disabilities, or even an evaluation of possible intellectual/cognitive impairment (e.g., "IQ" limitations) (Not a subject Jewish parents want to even imagine;—)
Neither did Emuna raise these, but only addressed how the parent should approach the teacher, and now to 'view' and relate to their own child, as s/he is. …CONTINUED…
Alan S., September 30, 2018 11:38 PM
Why do you need to 'dis' Rebbitzen Braverman?
What does it matter that the Rebbitzen has advanced degrees in questioning her answer? Though I do not speak for the Rebbitzen,, I think her answer was very good. She 'spoke' for the regular child without an obvious disability. And not that this label matters anyway, as I have a son diagnosed with ADHD, and he is as regular a child as my other non-ADHD children. And just as successful.
(3) Anonymous, September 27, 2018 4:40 PM
emuna - unreceptive teacher
re the unreceptive teacher....first, I ask the teacher what her goals are for the class. Then, her goals for my child. Next, what can I do to help the teacher help my child, and THEN I talk about my child. Once I understand the teacher's perspective, I have a better chance of communicating. I do advocate for my child, but when you have 20 unique children, it is often hard to cater to all personalities and preferences in teaching situations. I have also told my children to make their teacher's priorities their priorities. So if they know the teacher likes neat handwriting (or sitting still or whatever), they need to remember that with every assignment or task. It is not perfect, but helps my children adjust to their day to day world.
(2) Bethany, September 24, 2018 1:08 AM
Please, just don't
as a note, I've been teaching for nearly two decades and I absolutely hate when parents come in before the school year begins to tell me all about their child. I am a professional that has been trained in not only educating itself but also subject matter. I continue to be trained in various professional developments regarding motivation and accommodations. By coming in and detailing every situation or problem that a child has had in the past all you accomplish is giving you teacher potentially bad information about your child. you may wonder how this happens but you're the one bringing the bad report to the teacher instead of letting the child start each year fresh and clean. Everyone remembers their best teacher and their worst teacher from their childhood and you'll never know which year your child's teacher will be the best but they're going in early and declaring your child unmotivated and you being okay with it you've taken away that teachers chance to be the best thing that happened to your child.
Anonymous, September 24, 2018 11:21 AM
To commenter #2 Bethany
With all due respect, parents are in a position to be their child's best advocate. The parent in letter #2 said her child was having academic challenges and educators were not doing anything to address said challenges. Of course we need to start every school year with a clean slate. However, we can and MUST listen to what the parents have to say about their particular child. Perhaps this child in question has ADHD or a specific learning disability, but we will not know that if we don't probe further.
(1) Nancy, September 20, 2018 11:08 AM
To the second letter writer
Dear Parent of the Child With Academic Problems,
My heart ached as I read your letter. I am an education advocate and I help parents whose children are struggling as your child is. If you would like to chat, please email me at: nancyperkins@gmx.us. I would like to help you and your child in any way I can. Sincerely, Nancy Perkins