For about 6 years, my husband worked as a kashrus masgaich at a summer resort. Our family - myself and 4 children- were able to come along for free and participate in all the activities. I have known people with similar arrangements for Passover hotels. Not all vacations involve the family spending money.

Dear "A Giver",
It is always a challenge giving assistance to the appropriate persons. I was at a Plain Vanilla Cafe this morning - my type of people frequent there. The shop also sells limited edition kitchen utensils and party ware (paper cups, banners etc). Met 2 ladies from Netherlands who have their products there. They do visuals and designs with their laptop computer. These are successful in paying for their own overseas work trips, I believe. We just met for the first time, so I do not know their details. I suggest that you and the selection team visit the applicants' home or workplace when needed to see why they apply for assistance.

The Mishna is careful to say, "Judge favorably", as opposed to, "give the benefit of the doubt." So on the one hand, a good judge should make an extra effort to consider all the positive possibilities that Emunah laid out so intelligently. At the same time, the "judge" word means not to forget that cutting people slack where one's best judgement says they do not deserve is a bad idea.

In the large Jewish community where I grew up, there are SO many Jewish kids in public schools due to tuition costs. Discounts cannot be found for their parents if discounts are being given to other parents who do not really need it.

While "favorably" stresses compassion, "judge" insists on a strong foundation of pursuing truth.

To the second person, I would suggest really examining your claims. Is it that you're the only one contributing, or do you feel like you need to do everything yourself, because everyone else is doing it "wrong?" Will the work really not get done at all without you, or will everyone else do an adequate job that you just don't think is good enough?

I'm not saying that this is the case, but a lot of Type A personalities/perfectionists feel this way, so it's worth considering.

God bless!

The person who wrote in for advice is to be commended for doing a CHALLENGING job. The advice is best sought privately by his own Rabbi. Now that it's become public, I read a lot of comments here that are improper venting, which equals unproductive, and prohibited speech. How we can work together is to recognize, as the Lubavitcher Rebbe emphasized, (and he was from Communist Russia, and praised the United States' free qualities with great appreciation) that we are in a situation in the U.S. education policy that includes "taxation without representation" to the extent of being "tantamount to religious persecution". We can't fund parochial or private schools properly when we are paying tax money for public schools; and public schools very typically don't administer the tremendous amount of tax money they are allocated per child to offer an adequate education or even a safe environment. Most Yeshiva principals are caught up in trying to pay the school mortgage, heat etc. When will they get around to paying the teachers enough for them to stay teaching, and for staff and curriculum development, special education coordination etc ...? This is not just an "orthodox" Jewish crisis. Martin Luther King III (the son of Martin Luther King, Jr.) is among those who are working together for "school choice", as it's important for gentile and Jew alike. Understand, that our family was in a position of having loaned and given "disproportianetely" to our children's Jewish school financially. (In addition to other ways of involvement). Meanwhile, for example, the secretary who was skilled enough to administer things competently as our children needed had to leave as there still wasn't enough money for her meager salary. My children got holiday clothing from a "Gemach" at times while loans to the school couldn't be paid back. We all "accept" the situation and feel SO pressured that we judge and vent. But we should actually work together, and pray for school choice.

While the private/parochial/yeshiva situation is FAR from being ideal in the U.S., I would not want my tax dollars going to fund certain schools. When we go there, we are in fact merging church and state, Here is a question I have for everyone: Are there in fact foundations which help to defray the cost of Yeshivas? If they in fact exist, then why aren't they household names. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a philanthropic organization helped families financially so that said families are not being driven into bankruptcy paying the yeshiva tuitions?

I don't know what city you're in but I can guess that tuition is over seventeen thousand dollars, which is what it was when my son was in school. Only no one asked about my earnings or whether I might need assistance in paying tuition. I was informed when I enrolled him in Pre 1A that the school would be reducing the tuition by half for me and that unlike most students parents they would allow me to pay on a monthly basis instead of the normal all up front. I tried several times to explain to the administrator that I didn't need the discount, I could afford to pay full tuition. In the end I gave up and accepted the tuition discount. By the time my son was out of school my finances had drastically changed and making tuition even with the discount was a hardship. The reason I tell you this is to help you relax and trust your instincts knowing that in the end G-d will even the score. I should have argued harder not to accept the discount, I did not and I lost the income that allowed me not to need the assistance. We may not always see his hand but he will not allow you to run out of assistance for someone who really needs it, if you judge someone favorably and turn out to be wrong.

I agree with what Emunah said about being positive. In addition, I believe it is also positive and important and not out of line for the non-profit worker to speak to those in question and elicit their support. If the lack of participation of certain people affects her job on a daily basis, in the name of positive psychological self-care, she should definitely speak up and express her concerns. Stifling feelings contributes, over time, to mental and physical health issues. With her advanced degree in psychology, I’m certain the author is aware of this.

I had occasion to serve on the Board of a Jewish day school, and in such capacity, help make financial aid decisions.

Each family situation is different and unique. There are those who are truly in need, and those who clearly are goldbricking; the difficult cases are the ones in that blurry middle ground between the two.

Having been an attorney for the IRS, I asked the parents to show me their tax returns. There were some "tax returns" that obviously were falsified for the purpose, and some that were genuine; this helped greatly in the triage process. In any event, the tax returns gave good insight as to the family's true situation.

Making such decisions is an unenviable and weighty task; I do not envy those upon whose shoulders the job falls.

We put our youngest daughter in religious school because public school was not working. After the first year, we needed assistance. In addition to tuition, our daughter needed tutors since she started religious school in the 4th grade and was way behind her fellow students in Hebrew and religious studies. I am self employed and my wife was out of work, so we contributed in other ways. I shut down an office so we gave the school our Xerox copy machine, which had a very large copying capacity My wife volunteered many hours in helping the school. After my daughter left school and she graduated from high school, we started giving to the annual fundraiser of her prior school for some 20 years now.

In general, if you do not wish to be subject to an "Ayin Harah" (however, you wish to define that) -- DO NOT SHOW OFF!!! Such behavior (which has been condemned through the ages) can only be destructive!
If you go on vacation, WHY are you posting it on FB? Is it to "stick it" to the poor slobs who can not afford it? If you have a brand new car, WHY are you telling one and all about it? If you send your kids to a WONDERFUL CAMP while YOU are able to then take a WONDERFUL vacation... why tell anyone else about it? I could go on and on.. but the point is that if G-d gave you the resources, you do not have to "boast" about it... If you want to "boast", then "boast" how you spent your time learning, or volunteering in your spare time... and add how there was nothing "special" about what you did. Let people "envy" those activities -- which often do not "cost" so much and perhaps they will copy you.... In other words, if you have to "boast" -- choose something that ANYONE can do....

I agree with your "Sensitivity" comment. No need to rub their wealth (probably inherited) in others' faces.

Growing up, I had stories drilled into my head of people who demanded tuition assistance while also spending money for vacations and/or fancy summer camps for their kids. Since my family has never been able to pay yeshiva tuition without assistance, I was always wary of doing these things. We haven't taken any real vacations since before we had children. We did send our kids to camp because they needed something to do and there was nothing available from the town at low or no cost. And yes, we had to have help with that too.
Those parents who post those fancy vacation photos should be a little more careful about that. But if someone is an administrator and handles tuition assistance, I think you have the right to politely ask these parents about their vacations. I know that our tuition assistance applications always include questions about vacations and camps. I think as long as you're polite about it, you have the right to ask.

Our Rabbi has often explained that some items that are regarded as "luxuries" -- are NOT. As an example, with the PRESENT environment of children going away to Camp, it is often "destructive" for the child NOT to be in a Jewish Camp Environment where there is Jewish Learning and a wholesome environment. It is not for "nothing" that various Yeshivot set up Summer Camps. Thus, it is NOT necessarily the case that Parents are trying to "scam" when they send their Kids to Camp AND ask for Tuition Assistance. On the other hand, there has to be a sense of "balance" -- Send your kid to Camp -- but WHY "boast" about it? If you truly require a vacation -- why "broadcast" it? So, it really boils down to an individualized analysis with each family. One can ask -- sensitively -- about sending kids to Camp and how was it "covered" but THAT should not be an automatic "red flag"... just something to discuss. An important factor is that Parents who are struggling should NOT be made to feel that they are not "entitled" to ANY "breathing space". Such an attitude -- especially from those who HAVE the funds to "indulge" is just plain mean spirited. So, it really boils down to "sensitive" discussion -- and honesty on the part of ALL parties. I would emphasize that a parent should NOT feel that by having an honest discussion, the chances for assistance will be REDUCED. Rather, the Parent should feel that this is an opportunity to work WITH the Administrator to mutually work something out.

That's exactly why I suggest that this administrator simply ask about it politely. These things are good for discussion. And an honest discussion can only help.

1: administrator, are you required to check out the posts of applicants for financial aid? I think applicants should be told that. If not, why look for problems? I feel for commenter 1-- a critical health issue forced one of us out of work, our kids out of day school, and now neither is observant. But moving to Israel is not an option for those of us with elderly American parents
2: The woman does not have a job, she is a volunteer. She needs to talk to the organization and tell them that she is available for specific duties at specific times. If anyone should be stepping in, it's the paid staff. If something doesn't get done, then maybe next time, they will recruit additional volunteers ore pare back on what can realistically be done.

Questions like the first question makes me glad that I avoid using my real full name everywhere online so people can have a hard time looking for my private life and possibly making a misjudgment.

I cannot understand why people do this! Send photos to your family, don't put them out there for the entire world.

To commenter anonymous #1--
I am so very sorry for the huge financial burden you and your family experienced. How horrible that must have been for all of you. Re: The families that post their "exotic" vacations on FB. IMO, they lacked good judgment. Yes, of course we need to judge one another favorably. However, maybe the administrator had no way of affording such a vacation and was feeling envious of these families. Of course people deserve to get away. Of course yeshiva tuition is high. Sadly many families HAVE opted out for this reason and have sent their children to public school. Does the family REALLY need to post pictures on FB? I think if one is going to plead financial hardship as they did, then some discretion and good judgment should have been in order!

Hi Emunah,
School fees & holidays: We went through a rough patch for 25 years with many children at a Jewish school. The management assumed that we had hidden money. We did not. They assumed that my parents could pay. They did not. The school even took us to court and bankrupted us. The authorities disconnected our power and gas, then reduced our water to a trickle so that we could flush the toilet. We took debt from small shops to feed the family, and worked long hours to keep the children in the Jewish school. We moved eight times from rental to rental when owners decided to raise the rent. We worked till after midnight and again from 7 am in the morning.
No holidays. I ended up ruining my health, in hospital and almost dead all because the school refused to give us a discount and the pressure and work that I had to do was a major cause of my health problems.
We live in a society where it is a given that families go out for dinner sometimes, have annual holidays, live in a stable home without having to move every year or two and drive cars that are roadworthy, not a bomb. We did fly to an overseas 5-star hotel once as a prize that we won after buying a raffle ticket from the school that was part of a graduation dinner cost. We must judge people favourably (Kaf Zchut) because you never know what is happening in people's lives.
On that subject the whole issue is that Jewish schools in the diaspora cannot fund every child. The solution is that these families should move to Israel if they want their children to have a Jewish education, and not assimilate which is what is happening to most of those who did not attend Jewish schools.

I believe that it is PROHIBITED for the School Administration to have made the assumptions stated. There is NO RIGHT for ANY Administrator to bankrupt parents or ruin their health. In fact, unless some [likely corrupt] Beis Din gave them permission, taking you to [secular] Court means that the money obtained is considered THEFT!!
The basic answer is that Administrators MUST be both FAIR and REALISTIC. A family applying for Assistance is NOT required to live in abysmal conditions. A family applying for assistance is ENTITLED to have Electricity and Water and decent living space. they are ENTITLED to some "down time". They are ENTITLED to ensure that their children have a wholesome environment in the summer. All of these "entitlements" are part of being a Jewish Human Being who is part of the community and society.
I am horrified and saddened by what you were put through... I am not even sure that you are required to be "Mochel" such people! I hope that we see an overall change for the better.