Dear Emuna,
I have only one daughter who is 29 years old. She became religious a few years ago. In January, she went to Israel to study in a seminary. We discussed it beforehand and she agreed that she will live close to us. We immigrated to the United States 24 years ago and we don't have a big family. She was introduced to an American guy who moved to Israel 6 years ago and has dual citizenship. They like each other and planning to stay in Israel. I am devastated. She is our only daughter and I could never have guessed that she’d move to another country. She was very resistant to this idea, but she likes him and wants to marry him. What should I do?
Distraught Mom
Dear Distraught,
Well, what do you imagine you can do? As painful as the situation is, your options are limited. She has made a decision. I suppose it’s possible you could throw a big tantrum and pull out all the stops, thereby preventing your daughter from marrying this man, but I wouldn’t think that’s an outcome you would be pleased with or behavior you would be proud of. The best you can do now is to be supportive of your daughter and to keep the relationship warm and loving so that they will want to come visit you and you will be able to visit them.
In these days of Face Time and Skype, while not ideal, it’s not as difficult as it once was to maintain our relationship with our children, and even grandchildren, who are far away. There is certainly no guarantee that they will stay there forever and, while I’m not advocating they leave, you never know what the future will bring. At the moment you should focus on the joy that your daughter has found a wonderful man to marry and on the opportunity of expanding your small family through acquiring a new son. You want him to feel loved and accepted by you and your husband, not that his goals and behaviors are a source of disappointment. Don’t pressure, just express love and support and let the future take care of itself.
Estranged Sisters
Dear Emuna,
I am the youngest of three girls. We are four years apart in age. My parents died when I was in my 30's. They were older and Holocaust survivors. My sisters are very close. They do a lot together and with their families. I am rarely included. It got much worse after my parents died. They are a tag team. My oldest sister is vicious and the other sister plays both sides and insights. They are constantly looking for reasons to fight with me and start trouble. I have no parents and few cousins. I was close to my cousin but they had a need to destroy that relationship. My eldest sister is almost 70 years old. It would be nice to have a family relationship before it’s too late. I have expressed my feelings. But it seems they pounce harder. My friends are my family and they refer to my sisters as the evil step-sisters. My husband says they are nuts and to move on.
Hurt and Angry
Dear Hurt and Angry,
While I certainly understand your pain, I have to say that I side with your husband. You are of course correct that it would be nice to have a family relationship before it’s too late but, unfortunately, that result is out of your hands. It sounds like you have made every effort possible and the ball is now in their court.
I don’t know why they have adopted this approach and choose to rigidly adhere to it but, in this as in all areas, we can’t change anyone else. The only choice you have is how you respond – practically and emotionally. It sounds to me like you have been terrorized by them long enough. And it sounds like your friends and husband feel the same way. No one’s life is perfect and no one’s family is ideal. Be grateful for your supportive and loving friends and husband and perhaps at some future point, you will be able to let go of the hurt and anger and just feel sorry for your sisters who missed out on the possibility of the wonderful and loving relationship that you clearly have with others in your life. We can waste a lot of time regretting what we don’t have instead of just appreciating what we do.
Resenting My Father
Dear Emuna,
My parents divorced when I was young and I went to live with my mother. I saw my father every other weekend and we stayed close until he remarried and created a whole new family. They seem to be his priority. He is always with them – at their homes for brunch on Sundays, at sporting events with them during the week, celebrating a birthday or a job promotion or something. I get the leftovers, those brief moments when he is not otherwise occupied. I am close with my mother but resentful about my father. How can I move on?
Consumed with Bitterness
Dear Bitter,
While your resentment is certainly easy to understand and the “natural” reaction to your situation, like the letter writer before you, it is in fact trapping you. You are stuck in your resentment and allowing it to damage your pleasure in life. This is a terrible outcome. Your father is not going to change. He made and continues to make choices that are painful to you. That is sad but “it is what it is”. You need to accept the reality of your situation so that you can then move on.
Perhaps more time spent with him would have actually been less pleasurable than you imagine but it doesn’t really matter. We can spend our lives wanting something that’s not available or we can make peace with our situation. And more than accepting, we can actually embrace it. Be grateful for the close relationship you have with your mother. Take the time to enjoy and savor it. Give your father the love and gratitude and respect appropriate to his situation but when you start to descend into bitterness or resentment, refocus yourself on the good in your life and remind yourself what parents tell children when they complain about someone who doesn’t want to play with them, “It’s his loss.”
(14) Anonymous, August 18, 2019 4:11 PM
aliyah is a good thing
Has the mother whose daughter made aliyah considered making aliyah herself? In some ways it's difficult here, but it's really really good. There's something in the air.... I didn't move here when I was younger, for a number of reasons. My parents feelings were right near the top of the list. But, after they were nifter, I finally moved here, and it's changed things in so many good ways. I know that if I had moved here when I was younger, my life would have been very different. So many mistakes I wouldn't have made (although I'm sure I would have made different ones). My only regret about aliyah is that I didn't come sooner. I hope the parents who are so unhappy about their daughter's aliyah can do more than come to terms with it, but can be deep down happy that their daughter has made a decision that feels solidly good to her. By the way, many parents move here when their adult children come. There are communities where many live.
(13) Deb, October 8, 2016 7:28 AM
Parent Support Groups
Does anyone know of any support groups for parents whose children have made aliyah? I am heartbroken. I live in the North Jersey area.
(12) Boca Mom, May 9, 2016 5:00 PM
our job is to raise them and let them go - not keep them
Yes it is hard to have a child move away, my oldest just moved away for work. But in the midst of my sadness missing him, I am so proud of his and feel that this is what is SUPPOSED to happen. We are not supposed to raise children so that we can keep them close to us and be there for us. Raising children is the ultimate self-sacrifice - you hope they become independent, and know they will one day fly away from the nest. If they live close you are very lucky, but we cannot rely on that happening. Be proud of yourself for raising such a fine young woman. Stay in her life, write, call text, skype. She could move to another state and it would be still difficult. But be happy for her and for the great job you did as a mother, and you will continue to do, just in a different way.
(11) RWL, May 9, 2016 8:23 AM
The father may not realize that even though his daughter is older, she needs him.
The daughter could try letting her dad know that even though she is older, she still values time and her relationship with him. Perhaps the dad feels the younger kids need him more and doesn't realized that his older daughter from his first marriage still needs time with him too.
(10) JB Destiny, May 6, 2016 6:28 PM
How about some compassion for Mom, people?
I am shocked at the callous attitude that other posters display towards Mom. How dare you all try to dismiss the sense of loss? Yes, her daughter is independent. Yes, she's marrying a Jew. Yes, she's moving to Israel, our ancestral home. NONE of that makes it easy! It's so disgusting to keep hearing "But it's Israel - you should be happy, proud, thrilled!" It is never easy to hear the words "I've decided to stay here" from your child, especially when her original plan was to settle near you. It being Israel does very little to mitigate the pain of loss. Facetime, Skype, Whatsapp, social media and phone calls help, but are not a cure. It took me three years to adjust to my daughter's plans to make aliya, and the thrill still isn't there. Right now, I've made peace with it. You know what my answer to you guys is? "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!!!!!!" There is NOTHING wrong with me, or her or anyone whose little world and family have been profoundly affected by a family member's decision to make aliya. And to Mom: Realize that you're not alone. Many, many proud, Zionist parents feel exactly as you do. We've just been shouted down, and told we have no right to our feelings. You will adjust, just give it time, and realize the truth of Emunah's reponse - this is not the end.
Anonymous, May 9, 2016 3:50 AM
Right On!
I too was put off by some of the harsh comments of the earlier posters, so I really appreciated your words of support for this suffering Mom. P.S. My daughter stayed in Israel and married after promising to come back after just one year. Now I have 4 beautiful grandchildren, Kineinahora.
(9) Anonymous, May 6, 2016 12:53 PM
Excellent! Thanks for posting!
(8) food4thought, May 5, 2016 6:13 PM
Mother sees daughter's move to Israel as losing her.
Am 'puzzled' by Emuna's comment that one option, though definitely not recommended, was that mom "could pull out all the stops, thereby preventing your daughter from marrying." Just how would she achieve that outcome? Her daughter is 29 years old!! No mention was made that the daughter is financially dependent on mother for living expenses, etc., and is not financially self-supporting! So, what "stops" can she "pull out" that would "prevent" her from moving? The "Jewish guilt" card? Won't work! And will alienate and further damage any potential relationship. Not clear why that idea was even mentioned?!?!?
Anonymous, May 9, 2016 9:20 AM
She was playing devil's advocate!
Emuna wasn't advising her to do it. She was just playing devil's advocate by pointing out that if she tries to stop her daughter by throwing a tantrum and playing the guilt card, she'd regret it. Therefore, it would be wiser and she'd gain more in the long run by trying to accept, cope and have a positive relationship with her daughter and son-in-law, no matter how painful the move is for her. This mother certainly deserves to have her pain acknowledged - and then given her hope that she can have a good and close relationship despite her pain and disappointment.
(7) Elliott Katz, May 5, 2016 5:44 PM
Resenting her father
I have seen the situaton too many times -- where a divorced father remarries and focuses on his new family. There are a number of reasons for this. Sometimes becoming a visitor in your child's is so painful the father just wants to move on in his life with his new family.
"Consumed with bitterness" should focus on reaching out to her father and his new family and show him that he is an important part of her life and she wants to be part of his life. It may take time, but eventually he may come around and realize what he has lost by not including her in his life.
Anonymous, May 7, 2016 8:33 AM
May never be
I feel the pain.
This is however all too common life story in circumstances such as this.
My advice? Don't base your life pattern on your father changing his attitude and ways. He may never. You make a choice to love and respect him all the same.
I know of a similar real life situation, where it was this same rejected "child" solely who was there for him to give him a decent burial. Everyone else rejected him.
Shall I add this.. This father in his very last moments (days before his departure to the next world) asked for this "child's" forgiveness.
I will be constant in my G-d given attitude of love and respect even if I get nothing back.
May you receive help from above to play your part.
All the best.
(6) zack, May 5, 2016 2:03 PM
Family Relationships
It used to be that Jewish parents/grandparents would pray that their offspring would choose a Jewish mate. Your daughter has done just that. I hope you can rejoice in her happiness.
Anna, May 6, 2016 3:09 AM
I was horrified to read that 1 in 3 Jews in the US marries out. I don't know how this varies world-wide, but I would be thankful that she wasn't the '1'.
(5) Stan Tee, May 5, 2016 2:02 PM
Distraught mother ...
My only daughter did things the other way around. She made aliyah last year (we immigrated to Canada 27 years ago "for the kinder" and they've both moved away!!!) and has now met a man there and will likely marry. The difference between you and us is that we are incredibly proud of our "little girl". Moving to Israel is more than just an emigration. It's a statement of one's passions, beliefs and morality. We chose to support our daughter in every possible way, now and forever. Be proud of yours! She's not just making the ultimate move for any Jew, she is helping to perpetuate our heritage.
(4) Judy Joffe, May 5, 2016 1:48 PM
Communication
Does your father know how you feel? Maybe a discussion with him about how you feel would help. He night not have any idea you feel this way. Unfortunately I feel that communication has taken a back seat to texting, emailing, etc. Learning how to communicate with your dad will help you hopefully with him and learning communication skills for years to come.
(3) Ellen, May 3, 2016 7:00 AM
Dear Mothers and Fathers
Please TRY to remember that you don't OWN your children. They come THROUGH you but not FROM you. They are individuals separate and apart from you. If your son or daughter chooses a life that is not a carbon copy of yours, so be it. You do not LOSE your children, they have found their way quite well. If you CHOOSE to see their happiness as your loss, then you have failed as a parent and, I dare say, as a human being.
(2) Danny, May 2, 2016 12:38 PM
Distraught Mother needs a reality check
Mother bird raises her offspring in a high nest, days go by, weeks of crying mouths to feed and then, one day the little ones are too big. It is part of the course that the mother bird gives her progeny the proverbial kick in the pants, and they tumble out the nest and fly away, never to be seen again. You raised your daughter and gave her independence, life and a chance to make her own decisions, and for your own selfish needs to be close to her, you want her to make decisions with you in mind. Come on. Its painful sure, but do you want her to live in your backyard for the rest of her life, never spreading her wings and making her own life choices. She loves you, has a good relationship with you. Deal with it. Your own emotional needs are not being met by your own husband or friends and now you're burdening your daughter with them. Grow up. Make a few friends around your neighborhood and when the grandchildren come...make sure to visit and enjoy the family time!
(1) Anonymous, May 1, 2016 11:07 PM
Can anyone say excellent timing?!
Dear Emuna Braverman,
I too have struggled and cried a lot over family relationships. When I was a child I thought everyone had a normal family, whatever "normal" means. We really do need to make peace with the way life is, and not the way we wish it would be. It has taken me a lifetime to learn this lesson. To the letter writer with the nasty sisters--I am so very sorry. Those sisters have missed out on so much and they don't even know it. How very sad for them. You sound like a much classier person!