Dear Emuna
We've been married for a few years and my husband never compliments me. He's a wonderful person and he makes an effort to say thank you for many things that I do, but I would really like him to compliment me – that the supper was good, that I look nice, that he's proud of me for xyz... I know it's my own failing that I need to hear it from someone else instead of just being confident on my own, but I do think it's a natural thing for a wife to need. Is it just a man thing? Should I just give up on hoping for spontaneous compliments? (When I ask for them he tries, but it's not really the same when it goes "Are you proud of me?" "Yes.")
Should we go to counseling to learn how to understand each other better? Should I just wait a bunch of years and hope he starts doing it on his own? I think he's just not wired that way. We've had conversations about this and then he says he'll try to compliment me but he never does. Am I immature for feeling that this is important? I'm not sure what to think.
Trying Not to Care
Dear Trying,
So many difficult questions – so few easy answers. Let’s start with the good – you say your husband is a wonderful person. That means you are already way ahead of the game. You say that he expresses appreciation and makes an effort to say thank you. While appropriate, this behavior is not as common as one would expect and is a mark in his favor.
You would like more? It is not your failing and you are correct that it is a natural desire on the part of a wife. Yet, despite how wonderful he is and your repeated requests, he seems incapable of this simple act. How do we understand this and, more importantly, how do you live with this?
The answer is certainly not just to wait a bunch of years and hope he starts doing it on his own. That will never happen. You can try counseling but I don’t know if it will really work and may end up being frustrating. It seems like your husband is sincere in wanting to do it but it doesn’t come easily to him – for reasons certainly outside my understanding. If it were just a matter of some type of behavior modification, I assume he would have changed already. It seems that this is a choice so outside of his “natural” way of being that he can’t quite get there.
A compliment doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be real and sincere.
Is it impossible? Change is never impossible. Is it very difficult? Sounds like it is. So we are back to your options. I honestly think that yes, you should let go of your desire for spontaneous compliments and you should prompt him whenever and wherever possible. Your prompts could also be very specific. “Do you like this dress? I bought a new lipstick. What do you think of the color? I tried a new vegetable dish this Shabbos. Did you enjoy it?” This may ultimately change his habits – or not. But it will give you some measure of reassurance and pleasure. A compliment doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be real and sincere.
We are all very busy and distracted. Sometimes when we are ready to go out, I ask my husband if I look nice. And, of course, there’s only one answer I’m expecting!! He looks a little sheepish (he’s actually usually pretty good about compliments I have to confess) and then gives me the validation I seek. Even though I’ve asked for it, I’ve learned to accept it with good grace and assume he means it. I heartily suggest that you do the same.
Kids at Home during Summer Vacation
Dear Emuna, It’s summertime and my college kids just want to “chill”. I’m running around cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping and making dinner not to mention that I have a part-time job that sometimes seems full time. Meanwhile, they stay up late and then sleep late to catch up. I want them to enjoy coming home and to continue to do it but I’m feeling a little like the maid and like they’re wasting their lives. Help!! Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated,
I imagine that your letter could have been written by many if not all parents of college kids, boys and girls. From the moment the word “chill” entered the lexicon it seems to have become a life goal – or at the very least a reward for good behavior. There are two problems with this attitude – one is the waste of time and two is the lack of responsibility. Let’s start with the latter.
While it’s hard to drag a 6’2” young man out of bed (or however big and tall he may be!), in your house you can establish rules. Our kids want to come home; they won’t stop coming if we establish rules. They may stop if they are arbitrary and inflexible or punitive as opposed to productive. That’s up to you. To suggest (with your husband’s support) that you love your children very much and are thrilled to have them home but you didn’t expect to be the maid this summer is not oppressive and is completely appropriate. Although they may still be dependent, they are no longer children and it is not to their ultimate advantage if we continue to treat them as such. Not only will they never grow up in terms of abilities and attitudes, but we are teaching them bad character. Why shouldn’t they help out? Why shouldn’t they learn to be givers and not just takers?
I think you can find a way to say (with perhaps a bit of humor thrown in) that you expect some help in the laundry, clean-up and shopping department, perhaps even in the cooking one. It will not only relieve some of the pressure and frustration from you but it is good training for their character and their future.
In terms of the waste of time, this is harder for young people to see. The future seems long and unending and we pray that it is. Nevertheless we do want to impress upon them the value of time and the opportunities of the summer – to do volunteer work, to get an internship in their field, to earn some spending money for college. It is a time of opportunity and they should take advantage of it. Once again, you can set some rules – gently and with love. I wouldn’t charge an actual “room and board” but you could make something like 4 hours/day of employment, volunteer or paid, the condition of living at home. We are still their parents and we need to continue to act like it. I think you will be surprised to discover that your children actually want you to as well!
(9) Steve, August 11, 2016 5:32 PM
Prompt him
RE the compliments
Why not prompt him?
"Honey, Don't I look amazing in this new dress?"
"Honey, Isn't this the most amazing corned beef?"
I'm pretty sure he will eventually learn how to do it himself. And I'm pretty sure you will still feel complimented
(8) Steve Katz, August 11, 2016 2:13 PM
You SHOULD expect compliments
To "Trying Not To Care";
One of the things I learned during a brief marriage was to "look for the understanding part". Perhaps your husband learned his behavior from the environment in which he was raised.
My suggestion (and I am a man who learned this) is to quietly, without any antagonism, or confrontation, mention it to him, about what YOU feel (and NOT as to what he's doing or not).
It may take a while, but unless he's completely clueless (I doubt that) he''' get it.
Wishing you happiness in your marriage.
(7) annie:), August 9, 2016 5:42 PM
Compliments, some options I"ve experienced
Give what you are asking for: GIVE GIVE GIVE him a ton of compliments and humour eachother so you don't lose your patience - also a good book to read is The 5 Love Languages - or perhaps he has another issue and doesn't get many cues, like an Aspergers/autism person, more common in males, highly self centered, repetitive, cue-less; or learn to accept him the way he is and move on with his other good traits; get busier. "Let him be" - we all have the same Author, and he could be saying 'why is she so needy?' ! Go figure. #7 Move beyond yourself - SaraDebbie Gutfreund's article on Viktor Frankl on aish
(6) Anonymous, August 9, 2016 1:57 PM
to the mom of college kids...
Yes, you should set rules and boundaries. Just be sensitive to the fact that even college kids need some chill time. I remember coming home from my summer job (day camp counselor) and being nagged about chores without getting to unwind a bit. Give your children chores and responsibilities. Even set deadlines- "please get this done by 5 pm"- but then let them do the chores in their own way and at their own pace. So what if your son scrubs the dish clockwise instead of counter-clockwise? So what if your daughter puts the leftover casserole on the 2nd shelf of the fridge instead of the third shelf? You won't have to feel like a maid, but your children won't have to feel like slaves either.
(5) Yael, August 9, 2016 11:40 AM
For a compliment
Why don't you make a list of possible compliments he could give? Write down anything possible that would make you happy. Make the list as long as you can. Try for at least 50 sample compliments. He can read it over and get some ideas! I feel like it could be a self esteem issue: The person is nervous that it's not a good compliment, or they'll sound dumb. By choosing from your list, you'll still feel good and he might get the hang of it eventually! You could even give him a goal: You'd like to hear one compliment a day!
(4) T, August 9, 2016 1:13 AM
I think the "doesn't compliment" problem is one of the most common there is in marriage! I remember a teacher of mine telling me before my marriage, "don't make your husband read your mind - if he's going out to Rite Aid, and you really want a kit-kat, don't wait until he comes home to get upset with him that he didn't bring you one! Ask him!" It's the same type of thing. I also remember reading a story when I was somewhere in high school, about a rebbetzin who would buy herself jewelry, give it to her husband, and say "this is for you to give me as a gift" - and was genuinely happy when he gave it to her, as if he had gone and picked it out himself. The story stayed with me, I think because I totally did not appreciate the concept - I didn't think it was such a big deal. Now I do. Every husband is different. My husband is terrible with gifts - he never knows what to buy, and rarely thinks/remembers to even the things that he knows I like (like flowers) - but is pretty good with compliments on how I look, how the food tastes... Not so great with compliments when I take care of something I know bothers him - like having the house neat and in order, just because it doesn't bother him, so he doesn't notice, once it's not a mess anymore. I am very slowly teaching myself to say "doesn't the house look nice?" - in a non-sarcastic tone! - and sincerely appreciate the forthcoming compliment once he is reminded. Likewise, when I'm upset, etc, telling him what I need to hear, which makes me feel really dumb, and doesn't quite "do it" the way it does when a girlfriend intuitively knows what to say, when, but perhaps he will learn, and if not, then at least I get some measure of comfort and I gain personal growth in the process! Ironically, there are all types of wives, too - I know wives who, like you, wish their husbands cared more about the way they look, etc. And I know others who wish their husbands wouldn't notice or care quite as much! Good luck!
(3) Anonymous, August 8, 2016 8:25 PM
-continued comment-
A nice word of acknowledgement is like a Pavlovian response, as it often makes a person want to do more and go way above being a good spouse. Upbringing goes both ways: her mother lives with us, and for many years I purposely note but have never heard once her mother compliment her, and she rarely thanks her. Coincidental? Probably not. My wife has been conditioned not to compliment, as I have been conditioned to receive a compliment.
I have spoken with her often about this, and she acknowledges this to be true. She says she’ll try to compliment me. You remember what Yoda said: do or do not do. There is no try.
(2) Anonymous, August 8, 2016 8:24 PM
I could have written your letter.
I am married to a wonderful woman, a woman that does for me anything I ask, and then some, happily, no questions asked. Her actions are the reason that I remain in love with her. BUT, receive a ‘compliment’ from her? Virtually never. A ‘thank you’? I can count on both hands the number of times over 40 years of being together that she has thanked me for …whatever. I take some comfort in knowing that her way of ‘complimenting’ me or ‘thanking’ me are by her actions. I do know that this reflects a personal short coming of mine wherein I crave an occasional “well done” from her, an explicit acknowledgement by her of something I’ve done or said that pleases/pleased her.
I’ve always had ‘strong shoulders’, but it is my belief that my need to hear a compliment probably comes from my upbringing. And her inability to give a compliment comes from her upbringing. Though my father was never one to compliment, my mother oft times complimented (or thanked me) for something I specifically did for her. As I wrote, I enjoy doing things specifically for my wife, but I don’t hear a compliment acknowledging it. By and large, she takes for granted that which I do for her, whether or not it is above and beyond the ‘call of duty’ as a husband. I do not ‘count’ her actions or ‘count’ my actions. All people do that which they believe enhance their marriage. - continued -
(1) Anonymous, August 7, 2016 10:23 PM
Re: The second letter.
Two words come to my mind: patience and persistence. It took awhile for us to get there, but I have begun to see a very positive change in my young adult son. Just the other day he asked if I needed anything while he was out. We all need routines and structure, and all of us need to feel useful. Of course, we all need to "chill" after a hard day at work/school. Everything in its time!