Dear Emuna,
Sometimes I think my husband loves my children more than he loves me. When we are with them, he is much more interested in talking to them and I frequently feel like the third, fourth or fifth wheel (we have three children who are young adults). I of course love our children dearly but I feel a little resentful and left out. What should I do?
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
On the surface, this seems like a problem that can be resolved fairly easily – I hope that turns out to be true. In the first place, you need to remember that your children are the creation and reflection of the two of you, that in speaking with them and appreciating them, he is also appreciating you. He may feel that he is connecting to you as he communicates with them.
That may be a little abstract and unfulfilling but I think it’s probably true and it’s a good place to start because it allows you to judge your husband and the situation more favorably.
You mention that your children are now young adults. From that information, I infer (perhaps incorrectly) that they no longer live at the home and that the opportunities to interact with them are not as frequent as they used to be. In fact, even if they continue to reside at home, the opportunities to interact may still be limited. And following this line of reasoning, on the other hand, there are many opportunities for the two of you to interact; you now have a lot of private time. Therefore your husband may feel that he can talk to you any time but not them.
This is a reasonable position which should lead to greater understanding on your part. It doesn’t justify rudeness or ignoring you but it sets the stage for a reasonable conversation on the topic.
Which leads me to your communication with your husband. Especially since it seems to be the two of you alone without the kids (am I assuming too much?), the most important issue here is to ensure that the two of you have a healthy and open form of communication and that your relationship flourishes under these new circumstances.
An aspect of that is illustrated here. You need to find a way to tell your husband that he is hurting your feelings, perhaps and probably unintentionally, and that you would appreciate his continued attention to and consideration of you, even when you are out with your children – and even if those outings don’t occur as often as you would wish. Don’t nag, don’t recriminate, don’t get nasty, don’t accuse – just describe and give him the chance to step up to the plate. Chances are that he is completely oblivious to the situation and will be upset to discover that he has hurt your feelings.
From this, the two of you can learn and grow and set the pattern for the future as you continue to navigate your empty nest. Ask the Almighty to give you the wisdom, strength and patience to make these years of your marriage at least as rewarding if not more so than the previous ones.
(5) Phil Schupbach, December 7, 2019 6:28 PM
Interesting perspective as this is a new twist on an old reality!
Interesting perspective as this is a new twist on an old reality! The old reality? "After the kid(s) came along, my wife totally changed, she tuned me out." is what most husbands will confess (in private). G-d's command to be fruitful and multiply should have come with a caveat that added . . . then stand back and watch your old relationship with your wife turn into just a fond memory.
(4) Father of Boys, December 6, 2019 2:09 AM
it's a balance
My wife mentioned to me that she noticed I seemed to prefer the children to her. I'm not oblivious to it. She picked up on something. We have all boys, and sometimes we boys enjoy conversations that she's not interested in. Or I'll stay up late with them while she'll go to bed early. I don't love them MORE. It's a different kind of love. I am very fulfilled by spending time with my kids, and I see the clock ticking... they will be gone before I know it. So I'm not holding back.
I notice that my wife often prefers her friends over me, and I think I pointed that out in the same conversation. Sometimes it hurts me, but I have to accept it. She finds it fulfilling having close friends, and they provide something for her that I don't. Why should I demand that she give me all her attention?
I think we're both feeling pulled in different directions. The answer for us is to accept the important relationships in the other person's life. Sometimes we may have to experience some pain, but in the end it's for the best. And of course, we also spend quality time with each other. Right now maybe not enough, but that is changing as the kids grow up. It's a balance.
(3) Bunny Shuch, December 5, 2019 4:44 AM
Join the conversation!!
Dear Lonely,
My husband and I also have adult children (and we have young adult grandchildren too!) and when we're with them we tend to talk to them more than to each other, because we're together most of the time, but see them only occasionally. I suggest you join in the conversation! Then you won't be lonely. My husband and I really enjoy talking with our adult children and grandchildren and finding out what they're doing and what they think about things.
(2) Yehonatan Easton, December 2, 2019 9:24 AM
Make Time for Each Other
Husband & Wife should go away alone for a at least a couple of nights ONCE A YEAR -- without the kids, without the stresses of life! This Shalom Bayit vacation does NOT need to be at the Waldorf Astoria. Husband & Wife need to go away alone to restore their relationship and show each other that their spouse is and always be #1.
(1) Alan S., December 1, 2019 2:05 PM
I 'saw' the problem almost immediately...
Her very first statement speaks to the heart of problem: "my husband loves MY children..."
I'll bet some of her sensibilities and sensitivities can be improved by
re-framing the situation and instead say and believe "my husband loves OUR children"...
Once she begins to truly feel this way, she may stop feeling that her husband puts her second during family conversations.
And yes, what Rebbitzen Braverman suggests is also important.