Non-Working Husbands

In this post-feminist age, what do you call,

a woman who serves with the police, Officer
a woman who is in the army Soldier
a man who cares for the children Freeloader

People seem to be able to accept new roles except for the man who is not working. I guess she should do the same as a man who finds his wife does not cook very much or keep a clean house, delicately make suggestions about how she or he could do better. Note gender-based assumptions seem much more acceptable when the man is the one not doing as well.

Your husband does need to do more. First, he may not know how to do some of the things. Try to make suggestions in a nice, supportive manner. Compliment him where needed, tell him how much you love him. Make a list but we some smiley faces and hearts.

I believe some of the comments to the first writer have been unduly harsh and unwarranted. Stay at home Moms and stay at home Dads all should, in addition to caring for the children, take care of laundry, cooking and keeping the house relatively clean while their spouses go out to work to earn a living for the family, especially once the children are in school. Children should also have regular assigned chores appropriate to their ages. Expecting the wage earner to do everything is disrespectful.

I suggest that the wife/mother lovingly, and perhaps with a sense of humor, let her family know that due to circumstances beyond her control, the maid and butler have resigned, and that everyone's help will be greatly appreciated. (There are clever posters with this message that can be purchased online and hung up in the kitchen.)
If that doesn't work, perhaps she can (without comment) just stop doing the kids' laundry (once she's shown them how.) They'll soon figure out that if they want clean clothes to wear, they'll have to do their laundry themselves! As for her husband, that's more complicated, and perhaps marital counseling is the answer.

Understanding that at being compassionate can go a very long way.

A friend was rejected repeatedly after job interviewing, until he realized that the individual he was using as a reference wasn't recommending him at all, but rather was bad-mouthing him. He finally replaced the reference and found employment. My point is that when someone experiences repeated rejection, he should try to pinpoint the problem in order to fix it. As the wife, this woman should help him in this process, if no one else is available. She can show him that his failure is not a reflection of him as a person, but a circumstance which can surely be rectified.

How come there is no mention of the Tora ? It is a man's obligation to financially support his family. It is not the wife's obligation. If the wife is stressed about her husband not working- or if she wants to stop working and focus on her other duties- there is nothing wrong with that and the man needs to step up. If a woman is happy to bring in money so her husband will learn Torah that is HER choice. She should not be forced to financially support herself and her husband and their children.

Yes, but she chose for 20 years that she would rather have him at home, and as a result of that choice, his job option are now quite limited. She says nothing in her question about money, only about feeling resentful.

Dear Emuna, I was surprised by the advice you gave to the first questioner. If a man has a wife who doesn't like to cook and clean and is now home during the day now after raising her children for 20 years, would you suggest that he contemplate ending his marriage? The questioner made a choice to allow her husband to not work for decades, and it is understandable why someone whose career options would most likely be limited would be reluctant to go back to work needlessly. Nowhere does the questioner mention that the family needs his earnings, she only said that resents that she has to work harder than her spouse. Yes, he should pitch in around the house more, but should a Bayis Ne'eman be destroyed over dishes and laundry?

For the second one, I would recommend a job coach. Sometimes people do things that are counter productive in a workplace and that ends up costing them a job. It's hard for a spouse to talk about it without other things getting in it. Check with your local university, many have counseling programs at little to no cost. As for the first one, I suggest starting with your rabbi and asking for some help with your marriage before things reach the point of no return.

I have seen this situation -- the wife wants the husband to get a job or the husband wants the wife to get a job. It doesn't happen and the couple divorces.
If you want your spouse to get a job and he or she hasn't worked in a long time, just telling them to get a job rarely works. This is also often true of adult children who don't want to get a job.
You need to show leadership. Start with small steps. Do you know someone who has a business who can give the person a few hours work to get them used to going to a workplace and build their self-confidenceÉ Is there a volunteer organization that you could volunteer together with your spouse -- to get your spouse used to going someplace and building self-confidence? By taking these small steps, it can soon lead to a regular full-yime job.
Trying to get a spouse get a job is not a new problem. As I wrote in my book "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants`,`a thousand years ago, Maimonides wrote about the challenges of getting your spouse to work.
This is an opportunity to show your spouse that you care and help him or her out of a rut working and enable him or her to make a contribution to the world.

I agree with Yael's wonderful comments.

Re counseling, you have to be very careful. Too many marriages have been ruined by marriage counselors. There is some statistic that a large percentage of marriages are worse off after meeting with a counselor.
Some wonderful resources that have helped me personally:
Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Program
Rabbi Shalom Arush's book Women's Wisdom
The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle (Some of what she writes is a little off, but overall it's very eye opening)
Sara Yoheved Rigler's program for married women
Rabbi Manis Friedman's workshop (I didn't actually do this, although I wish I had. Rabbi Friedman has tremendous insight)

By the way, although it's obviously ideal if your husband works on the marriage as well, your husband does NOT have to participate in making changes in order for the marriage to turn around. Even with just you doing the right things, you can create a happy, blissful marriage.

Hatzlacha and good luck! I hope you're successful in repairing your marriage and that you have true marital bliss.

Thanks again to Yael for her comments. I think I will try some of her suggestions.

Out of my own experiences I need to add a caveat to the statement "Even with just you doing the right things, you can create a happy, blissful marriage." With only one carrying the burden, it can become too heavy a load for one's physical and mental health. Also, if one spouse is not just contributing less but is actively doing the wrong things (eg, gambling, drinking, abuse, etc.), the marriage can quickly become dangerous for the "better" spouse and the children. So yes, first try everything to "fix" the situation and save the marriage; but save yourself (and your children) if the situation becomes truly untenable.

Remember: The greatest gift you can give your child is his parents' happy marriage. Never give up and always pray to G-d for help.
P.S. Realize this test is from G-d. If your husband was an amazing provider, G-d would send you a different test that would feel just as awful, in a different way. This test is the best thing that could happen to you.
P.P.S. Find a Rabbi and Rebbetzin with a wonderful marriage who would invite your family over for Shabbat meals. You might pick up some marriage tips. If nothing else, it'll cheer you guys up!

Emuna, you seem to be hinting that if the marriage isn't great, she should leave. I couldn't disagree more. As Rabbi Noach Weinberg famously put it: Your spouse is a part of yourself. Getting divorced is like amputating your arm. You only do it if it's killing you.
This couple has children. I definitely don't think she should steal her children's father away from them and destroy their home because she's dissatisfied with her marriage and her husband doesn't do much all day. Jewish mothers throughout the ages have given their lives for their children. And now a woman should steal her children's father away from them and destroy their home because she can't put up with living with a probably depressed guy? I couldn't disagree more.
If this woman was my friend and asked me for advice I would tell her to work hard on her marriage and pray.
First things first, talk to G-d for 5 minutes a day begging Him to send her husband a fabulous job that he would work hard at and succeed at and keep. Do that for 90 days.
Number two, make a list of everything you love or loved about your husband, happy memories (could be with the kids too), anything positive you could think of. Give a copy of the list to him and read it over to yourself every day for 5 days.
Three: Buy a pack of sticky notes and every day leave a sticky note on his pillow with something positive. It could be a compliment, a thank you, a memory, or even "Sleep well, Sweetie!"
Four: Find a good therapist (you might have to try a number first) and go together for help.
Five: Every day pray to Hashem to make your husband a phenomenal husband and you a phenomenal wife and to bless the two of you with an amazing marriage.
Do all of the above for 90 days and see what happens.

Your comment is good when there is a willingness from both sides, not when one party has no interest. How can one pray for a good job when her husband doesn't want a job

To get on meds if he needs it. To find himself a great therapist who can help him turn around. In my experience in life, more than anything else, prayer is the one thing that absolutely works.
How to pray? Shifchi kamaim libeich, pour out your heart like water before G-d. Imagine you're with a good therapist or a best friend. Tell Him everything. Tell him all your fears, your pain, the difficulty...Just keep talking to Him and begging Him.
(It's also good to start praying by thanking G-d for all the good in your life. Even someone in the worst situation, still gets to see the gorgeous trees and beautiful clouds, and miraculous shadows.)
And even when prayer doesn't work, it works. Rabbi Shimshon Pincus teaches that G-d tells Abraham he's going to destroy Sedom. Abraham prays that G-d not do that but G-d does it anyways since there are no 10 righteous people in Sedom. So why did He tell him about it in the first place? Because G-d took the prayers that Abraham prayed for Sedom and built the Jewish people with them.
Let's say we pray for someone to be healed and they're not? Rabbi Pincus explains: Those prayers are used. Maybe they make her children have a wonderful mentor or go to a program that helps them. Maybe it made her be conscious and emotionally strong so she could make good memories with her children at the very end. Maybe it'll make her husband remarry a wonderful woman who be so good to the children. Maybe it'll be a merit for her when she stands before G-d in the Heavenly Court and she was supposed to be punished for something and your prayers save her. We don't know but every prayer has a reaction.
Regarding the above marriage: Sometimes a spouse feels their depressed, annoying, good-for-nothing spouse is not worth having around.
They forget that he's good for something! He's their children's father! Would they murder their children's father because he's good-for-nothing?

"Getting divorced is like amputating your arm. You only do it if it's killing you."
Poor analogy because the festering process is like an issue in the marriage that causes either spouse to start to resent a particular situation to the point of no return. Yes, amputation is done as a last resort. So too would a divorce. Both sides have to work toward a mutually acceptable solution.
A doctor amputatees if the disease process in the arm will continue to fester without a possible cure. To allow it to fester will kill the person. So to in a marriage where one party starts to resent a non-contributing spouse. (Whatever the contribution need be.) If the spouse, won't contribute, a divorce, however sad, might be the best solution. In this question, it doesn't sound like the husband has any inclination to work. The wife now wants a husband who will contribute to the marriage in a way that is important/fair to her.