Tattletale

Dear Emuna,

My teenage son was given a big challenge the other day. He is a great kid but not all of his friends always use the same good judgment. Something happened at school that upset the administration and they called my son in. First they accused him of participating which he truthfully denied. Then they asked him to tattle on his friends who did. He refused to do this and now they are threatening to expel him from school. He’s upset and I’m upset but I’m not sure what the correct response is. Can you help?

Tormented Mother

Dear Tormented Mother,

Believe it or not, this is not such an uncommon scenario. And boy is it complicated! Informal polls of teenagers – running the gamut from very secular to very religious – that I have conducted over the years show (at least) one basic common denominator. Teenagers will NOT tell on their friends. Many years ago, Dr. Ron Taffel, a well-respected child-rearing authority, wrote a book about adolescents called The Second Family. The title says it all. This is how teenagers feel about their peers and we need to understand that and respect their sense of loyalty and commitment. Yes, we need to teach our children that if the teenager is doing something dangerous to himself or others, they need to confide in someone but in general their mouths are shut and their loyalty sacrosanct. I am always concerned when educators ask students to tattle because they seem to not understand this basic principle.

So, accepting that your child is not going to tattle and that it was an inappropriate request from the administrator (almost certainly violating the Torah prohibition against gossip), what should your response be? It’s really hard but I think your son should stick to his guns, even if that results in his expulsion. Our children’s education is not only about facts and information, it is also about character and you will be giving your son a valuable lesson.

A somewhat more radical suggestion, which I realize is not for everyone, is to take control of the situation and remove your son from the school. Although primary responsibility for our children’s character development rests with us, the parents, we want their teachers to be role models and to reflect our values. When they actually contravene our values – and in such an egregious way – it may be time for a change. Additionally, when they treat our children in such a disrespectful and accusatory fashion, we want to encourage them to (respectfully, despite its lack on the other side) stand up for themselves and make choices consistent with their own values.

It’s a very frustrating situation and changing schools is never easy but your child needs to know you have his back and that character trumps grades or the school’s reputation or resume building. Life lessons are always more important…I wish you luck and fortitude and it always helps to throw in some prayers.

Insecure Friends

Dear Emuna,

For my girlfriend’s 50^th birthday, I decided to make her a surprise party. We are very close so I found it easy to put together a guest list and plan the festivities. I enlisted the support of a few other friends so that all the work wouldn’t fall on me and that’s where the trouble began. Everyone had different opinions about what the guest of honor would enjoy and as we jostled to have our point of view heard, it deteriorated into a competition over who she is closest to. “I speak to her every day and this is what she likes,” said one friend. “She tells me everything and I know what she wants,” said someone else. I felt like I was back in high school and that the party is going to cause more harm than pleasure. Should I cancel it? How should I handle it?

Caring Friend

Dear Caring Friend,

As much as we like to believe we have grown up (!) certain basic instincts and insecurities never change. Many of us lack confidence and feel that our sense of self-worth is expressed through popularity. “It's not about aptitude it's the way you're viewed so it's very shrewd to be very very popular like me,” sings Glinda in Wicked and the audience laughs along because we recognize the instinct – and the problem with it!

In one of my favorite stories from the Talmud, Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai gives his students a blessing as they are gathered around his death bed. What are his crucial final words to them? “I give you a blessing,” he said “that your fear of God should be as great as your fear of man.” In one sense this is reassuring. You are not facing a new or unique challenge but rather one that all human beings have faced for thousands of years! On the other hand, we can rise above this. Our self-worth is certainly not dependent on what others think (I know this is the subject of many classes and much psychological work and not just a line in a letter!) and what really counts is our relationship with the Almighty and what He thinks. (This may be something that’s helpful to repeat over and over to our children especially in the tough middle years when they struggle with playground friendships and changing loyalties).

This is the philosophical approach and what you should tell yourself as these petty scenarios as being played out. But what should you do? It seems that you wanted to do something nice and thoughtful for your friend. You should continue to do that. She won’t see the behind-the-scenes wrangling and will only appreciate the effort and the celebration.

With respect to the squabbling, let it go. Your relationship with your friend is not dependent on whether your idea for party activities is the one that it is implemented. Either you are close or you are not but it is certainly not affected by what others say or who takes charge here. It seems that it is very important for some of the other women to get their way, so let them. It will be no “skin off your back” and I’m sure the party will proceed smoothly. You can take comfort in knowing you did something lovely for your friend and in the fact that none of the ways in which this friendship is a source of nourishment and pleasure to you will be affected by which party game is played or how others view their relationship with her.