A recent "Ethicist" column in The New York Times Magazine reveals not only the superficiality of what passes for ethical thinking today, but also the limits of multiculturalism as applied to Orthodox Jews.
A woman wrote to the "Ethicist" with the following question. Her otherwise "courteous and competent real-estate agent" refused to shake her hand after signing a brokerage contract, explaining that as an Orthodox Jew he does not touch women. The woman described herself as both "shocked and offended." But since she was a good liberal who, in addition to opposing "sex discrimination of all sorts," also "supports freedom of religious expression," she was in a quandary.
The Ethicist, one Randy Cohen, told her that she was entitled to work with someone "who will treat you with the dignity and respect he shows his male clients." He deemed it irrelevant that the agent was acting in accord with his deepest religious beliefs: "Sexism is sexism, even when motivated by religious convictions." Cohen agreed that the action was "offensive" -- nothing less than an attempt to "render a class of people untouchable" ― and calling it religious "doesn't make it right."
For good measure, he cited the US Supreme Court's ruling in Brown vs. Board of Education that separate educational facilities for black and white students are inherently unequal. In sum, ruled the Ethicist, "I believe you should tear up your contract."
Frankly, in polyglot New York, I would have expected a message of greater tolerance for practices that at first strike us as strange. The real-estate agent, after all, did not ask anything of the woman. He did not request her to don a long skirt and shawl, as tens of thousands of ardent feminists do every year upon entering St. Peter's Cathedral. Nor did he withhold anything tangible from her. (Presumably she had no interest in holding his hand.)
At most, he engaged in a form of symbolic speech, the message of which both the letter writer and Ethicist misunderstood.
Let's say after signing a brokerage agreement the letter writer had noticed that the broker, an Orthodox woman, was wearing a wig. And let us say that she considered the halacha that a woman, but not a man, must cover her hair "offensive" and denigrating to women. Would the Ethicist have also counseled her to tear up the contract?
Cohen should have answered: It was your decision to be "shocked and offended." Your reaction does not reflect some objective quality inherent in the agent's action. You were shocked only due to a lack of knowledge of a widespread practice among Orthodox Jews.
Similarly, there was nothing inherently offensive about the agent's refusal. Brown v. Board of Education, in which the Supreme Court correctly ruled that in the context of a long-standing history of Jim Crow laws, educational segregation conveys to black children an unmistakable state-sponsored message of inferiority, could not be more inapposite.
The prohibition clearly does not confer "untouchable" status on one sex or another.
By contrast, the agent made no statement, either implicit or explicit, showing any disrespect for the letter writer in particular or women in general. Strictly observant Jewish women also do not touch men, so the prohibition clearly does not confer "untouchable" status on one sex or another. Rather it proscribes physical contact between sexes equally.
If any statement is being made by the refusal of Orthodox Jews to have any physical contact with members of the opposite sex other than their spouses, children and parents, it is one of respect for their spouses and the sanctity of the marital bond.
Every time an Orthodox man or woman distances him or herself from even the most non-erotic forms of physical contact, he or she is reminded that what is forbidden in this instance is promoted elsewhere ― i.e., within the exclusive context of marriage.
Every act of distancing is also an act of drawing close to one's spouse.
A ban on touching acknowledges the natural attraction between men and women.
True, shaking hands is a pretty innocuous form of contact, and for that reason some Orthodox religious authorities permit it in the business context. But the same claim of innocuousness is made for kissing and hugging in many circles. Rather than stepping onto a slippery slope and leaving the matter to subjective determinations about the erotic content of any particular act, many Orthodox Jews choose to simply avoid any physical contact.
A ban on touching acknowledges the natural physical attraction between men and women, and serves as a warning. Those who observe the ban convey the message that "the erotic element is excluded from our relationship." Far from showing a lack of "dignity and respect" for those of the opposite gender, observance of the ban reflects a determination to treat members of the opposite sex with the utmost respect ― as everything but objects of sexual desire. Judging from the proliferation of sexual-harassment charges in work settings and elsewhere, many women would prefer precisely such relationships.
Interestingly, the Ethicist overlooked the most serious ethical lapse of all ― his own advice that the letter writer rip up a contract she had already signed. Nowhere in that contract did the agent undertake to shake the woman's hand. Rather, he agreed to faithfully represent her in the rental of her apartment, and by her own account he stood fully prepared to do so in a competent fashion.
The Ethicist thus advised her to renege on her own solemn promise in order to punish the agent for observing rules that he views as divinely mandated, but which the Ethicist confidently dismissed as merely "sexist" and "offensive."
See Aish.com's Jewish Ethicist, Discriminating Against Discrimination for another answer to the same question.
(59) Alan Ira Silver, August 4, 2020 4:20 PM
Ignorance Is Not Bliss
Randy Cohen needs to meet the famous comedian Howie Mandel who is also Jewsh. Howie DOES NOT shake anyone's hands as I believe he's a germaphobe. He does however knock fists with the greeter but in many circles which includes religious, that is considered inappropriate. Hand shaking between men and women is not encouraged in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Pakistan, Iran, etc. where the majority religion is Islam. As a general rule, in these countries, men are not allowed to get close to the opposite sex or touch them so someone needs to tell the uninformed JewGirl Randy Cohen to buckle up on her culture ethics as she will find someone like myself that will purposely embarrass her in public as I highly dislike Jewish feminists that belittle men b/c of their personal ignorance. Sadly, today's American Jews are going to pot (stupidity / smoking the substance)
(58) Nancy, September 20, 2018 11:43 AM
I appreciate this article
IMO, good fences really do make good neighbors. I have becoming more religiously observant over the years, and I find nothing offensive about not shaking a man's hand. With that said, it seemed to me that the author of this article was poking fun at liberals. While I disagreed with Randy Cohen, I respect what he had to say. I also respect Jonathan Rosenblum.
Alan Ira Silver, August 4, 2020 4:31 PM
You would've loved attending Hinnei Classes
Rebbitzen Yungreis, a"h was not a woman that danced around that which had to be said and she would've told straight out that a woman does not shake a man's hand as it is inappropriate. How is it that hand shaking between men and women is not encouraged in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Pakistan, Iran, etc. where the majority religion is Islam. As a general rule, in these countries, men are not allowed to get close to the opposite sex or touch them. But yet you feel that it's okay? IF you want to be an observant woman then you need to start to observe what is called the "negiah" laws which are self-preservation laws? Being observant is not picking & choosing this one- yes & that one -no. It is a total package deal. Something to think about
(57) Yaakov, August 28, 2018 2:25 PM
Warn in advance
Whenever I am scheduled to meet women at a business meeting I make a point of warning them in advance that I will not be able to shake hands with them. I always find this well received. People thank me for being sensitive and (more recently) sometimes we agree to avoid hand shaking with any participant.
This advice was given to me 20 years ago by a colleague and has saved me and many other others from potential embarrassment without any need to compromise on my beliefs and their dignity..
(56) Anonymous, August 28, 2018 7:02 AM
I REALLY LIKED THE ARTICAL ON THE ORTHODOX AGENT WHO WOULD NOT SHAKE HANDS WITH A FEMALE CLIENT. IF EVERYONE WOULD DO THIS, PERHAPS THERE WOULD BE LESS TROUBLE IN THE WORKPLACE.
(55) australiano, August 27, 2018 9:05 AM
HANDSHAKES AND GERMS
HANDSHAKES AND GERMS
Are handshakes on the way out? A few years ago, the Journal of the American Medical Association called to ban handshakes from hospital environments. With rising rates of hospital-acquired infections, pressing palms together is an unnecessary risk. A study in the American Journal of Infection Control revealed a fist bump transferred only one-twentieth of the germs of a handshake. And a good old high five only transmitted half the germs.
(54) callmesusana, November 10, 2015 2:28 PM
Orthodoxy is a choice
I listened to a radio show in which Randy Cohen described this very situation. What struck me was his emphasis on the Realtor's refusal as a religious choice. The Realtor chose his religion. The Realtor chose to abide by religious law. The Realtor chose to refuse abiding by a Western gesture that, to a vast majority of Americans, solidifies a business dealing.
(53) L.K., March 11, 2015 1:39 PM
Hugs between famillies
I wanted to hug my orthodox cousin at my father's funeral but could not. The first time I tried I noticed he was very uncomfortable and felt almost hurt. How do you express your feelings?
Anonymous, August 4, 2020 4:38 PM
Funeral standards
There's a time and place for everything and the time for hugging anyone at a funeral is totally inappropriate. Sorry to be so cold but, it's a funeral not an engagement party. If your cousin is truly Orthodox, he definitely doesn't want to receive a hug from a female relative at anytime as it is not in keeping with modesty laws.
(52) Amanda, June 10, 2014 7:52 PM
Bah! The majority of american women these days become 'offended' for virtually anything.
(51) Anonymous, February 15, 2014 9:14 PM
Both were Negligent
Um... not to be rude, but aren't you guys being a tad bit harsh on the woman and this Randy character?
While I understand that the realtor was Orthodox Jewish and had to adhere to rules and customs, you have to remember that the woman and the Ethnicist guy AREN'T and, as a result, wouldn't be privy to that type of information prior to the occurrence. Yes, Randy didn't do his research but the realtor didn't seem too understanding in that situation as well.
I kind of had a similar experience where I worked together with a Jewish friend and some of his associates on a project.
After the project was completed, everyone shook each other's hands and congratulated everyone for their work. However, when I offered to shake one particular person's hand, he just politely said "I'm Orthodox Jewish," waved and left it at that. As someone who was taught that a professional handshake is polite, I was initially confused by this. But then I became slightly annoyed when my friend (who is a married man as well) gave me a pat on the shoulder and a hug. Now I had a very limited knowledge about the different sects of Judaism and didn't know about the orthodox rules until I looked it up. While I understand why the gentleman refused, it would have cut out some unnecessary embarrassment (as one would feel having a handshake denied in public) and a potentially disastrous misunderstanding if he would have just explained his reasoning instead of assuming I knew what he was talking about.
(50) Molly, October 15, 2013 2:51 PM
They are thinking about it incorrectly
As is very common these days, the woman and the so-called ethicist are assuming that the hand shaking was all about her. It has nothing to do with her! If the agent was friendly and polite to her, clearly he doesn't hate women! It seems that most of us are willing to accept all sorts of different cultures,as long as they aren't religiously motivated. These two had already decided that Orthodox Jews "hate women", long before the hand shaking incident. I remember a similar situation where members of a Black community felt that Korean shop owners were racist because they put the money they gave as change on the counter, and not in a person's hand. It was not racism against Black customers, just a cultural preference not to put money into someone's hand, which is considered crude in their culture.
(49) michel reiter, March 28, 2013 4:57 PM
No hand shake
The ethicist is probably a bit off regarding breaking a signed sealed contract but why do orthodox Jews seem to have all these ":sex" problems if they are really so pious and holy when the rest of the world would shake hands as nothing more than a thank you!
Molly, October 15, 2013 2:55 PM
It's not that type of problem
Orthodox men and women prefer to follow very strict rules for interacting with the opposite sex in order to limit the possibility of adultery, a very grave sin. It's not about how they feel about an individual person, these rules are followed with everyone of the opposite gender.
(48) Gerald Stell, June 29, 2012 7:42 PM
On the other hand
I can see both side of the situation. The realtor should probably not deal with female clients. The situation described was bad enough, but what if the the woman should trip and fall while being shown the basement. Does the realtor just wait til she can get up on her own and make it back up the stairs? Even worse, she may need CPR. For the female client, probably ought to check out religious beliefs of future realtors.
Sara, October 19, 2012 3:55 AM
Gerald- You raise some good points. I am Muslim, and I am familiar on the prohibition of physical contact with the opposite gender. However, this does not in anyway mean that in situations when someone needs help (even if they are from the opposite gender), you leave them to fend for themselves. In your example, if the woman was falling, if the man could help stop the fall, then he should. Similarly, if she needs CPR. This is from an Islamic perspective, at least. The idea of not shaking hands is just limits male female interaction. Of course, there is mutual respect, but one may not cross boundaries and do anything from a physical basis. Personally, I think this is necessary in the workforce, just keep things professional, nothing more, nothing less. Hope that clarifies things.
Charise, May 8, 2015 12:33 AM
I agree
I am Muslim also and just had two men at the door passing out Baptist lit. He put out his hand and I of course let him know we do not shake hands with the opposite sex. He nodded and was still kind when speaking and I thanked him for the lit but I always feel bad, like I am making the person feel inferior. I need a better way of explaining to people maybe to prevent that feeling.
Shifra, October 30, 2012 5:53 PM
Orthodox Hatzoloh
Gerald, In case of emergency every orthodox jew would help out a woman in need. Please check Hatzoloh's record in helping men and women in emergencies alike.
Mark, March 16, 2013 8:58 PM
Gerald is recommending illegal discrimination
Gerald, your statement "The realtor should probably not deal with female clients" is terrible advice. That's illegal discrimination! The entire civil rights movement started because of a refusal of a lunch counter at the Woolworth's in Greensboro, NC to serve blacks who came to eat there. Taking your advice would land him in court for a lawsuit.
(47) Anonymous, May 20, 2012 11:03 PM
Why bash liberals?
While I agree that the NY Times columnist's opinion is not exactly respectful or tolerant, it was a little hard to take *this* column seriously when the writer used the opportunity to bash liberals. Was it really necessary to sarcastically call the woman "a good liberal"? You're right, being in a moral quandary IS the sign of "a good liberal," and I hope we can all experience a few more moral quandaries and show a little more humility, instead of being disrespectful toward people who are different from us.
David, August 10, 2012 1:10 AM
I agree. Stick to the facts if you can (but he can't).
Cheap shots are the sign of a weak argument.
(46) Joseph sailors, February 26, 2012 1:37 AM
Hand shake
I enjoyed this article I never noticed except when I lived in Jerusalem. G-D Bless everyone.
(45) Betty, January 29, 2012 2:50 PM
Thank you
Thank you for explaining this belief.
(44) Anonymous, December 19, 2011 4:20 PM
Well said!
Thank you for writing this. It is sad when people mislabel certain practices due to a lack of understanding.
(43) Anonymous, December 18, 2011 2:39 AM
How does his wife feel?
I'll tell you how that Jewish real estate agent's wife feels...great! Her husband isn't touching other women! He's probably not hanging out with them in private, either. The woman who was so offended should realize that she's actually discriminating...against that couple's marriage. I'm very happy my husband doesn't go around touching other women. I wish more people put up this fence...there were be fewer incidences of inappropriate (abusive or extramarital) relationships in the workplace .
Joseph, February 7, 2012 7:12 PM
Relatioships
PLEASE! If your husband is tempted to cheat because he shakes the hands of women be it in a professional context or a respectful greeting your problems are deeper than cultural. Or should I say his problems. I respect others and their beliefs but antiquated religious ones keep us from all becoming one world. I would also research the reason for this practice because you'll find the origin of this has been misunderstood for YEARS!!
Masya, May 18, 2012 3:01 AM
I think your absolute ignorance does not let you see the beauty of this belief . He did not do anything to hurt in any way . He explained himself in very professional manner. And people like youare the ones who create chaos in the world by not understanding and everyone is different in their own way .
(42) Anonymous, November 17, 2011 11:23 PM
well said anonymous!
i completely agree with the above commenter this is ridiculous in some cultures it is considered disrespectful for a man to touch a woman's hand. in this multicultural and globalized society, people need to realize that not everyone has the same preferences.
Kingsdaughter613, May 5, 2020 1:50 PM
It’s not about disrespect. The whole thing started due to a rape case. Now, look at all these sex discrimination lawsuits. Suddenly laws prohibiting unrelated men and women from touching, let alone being alone in the same room, make a lot of sense...
(41) Ann Brady, November 16, 2011 10:05 PM
Bravo Mr. Rosenblum
A beautiful, well explained comment on a pitiful story, compounded by the fact the so-called Ethicist is a Cohen.
(40) Terry Woosley, November 13, 2011 6:11 PM
Tolerance
Putting the observant always in the place of explaining is not a complete answer. I have just learned a lot through Aish and will do my part to respect should the situation occur.
(39) Robert Tillman, April 2, 2011 4:46 PM
To shake or not to shake
I admire people with religious convictions that will not bend in order to be popular. That's their business. These are the same people who do not want their children to play with non-orthodox children. The only "contact" they will seak with non-orthodox people is when money is involved. There is no interest in any social intercourse with "out-siders". And thats the way it is.
(38) Lorrie Prothero, February 20, 2011 3:07 AM
don't shake at all
instead of "offending" the women, if I was a man, I'd more choose to not shake either hands - that way the woman won't feel "left out" or odd. sometime though, I do find it kind of "stinks" to be born in any predicament that there's really nothing you can do, naturally speaking, to change it.
(37) Anonymous, December 27, 2010 10:01 PM
this is ridiculous
Would the woman be as offended if the man told her he won't change his clothes in the same room as her? Or maybe that he wouldn't sleep in the same room as her? These are activities that no doubt this woman will do with other women but not with women (i.e. she'll change in a women's changeroom but not in front of men, or she'll share a hotel room with a female friend but not a male friend). "Sexism is sexism"???? People need to realize that not only are their differences between the sexes, but even people who claim that there are no differences clearly act in ways that demonstrate they believe there are differences - i.e. feminists who claim no difference between men and women will still only change in women's changerooms - etc. The same goes for physical contact - I'm sure most women, regardless of how liberal and "equality"-minded, would feel more comfortable having a female doctor, or a female masseuse, or intensely hugging a female friend. This woman needs to realize that she treats men and women differently, too, and the only difference between her and this Orthodox man is where each one draws the line.
Anonymous, June 29, 2012 8:41 PM
excellent points
excellent points
(36) Anonymous, October 4, 2010 2:40 AM
I find the comment "when you're in the business world get over it" very nearsighted. For the record I am not orthodox. Observance of laws such as "negiah" (prohibition of touching) is a way of life that most Orthodox Jews have chosen to follow. As the author of this article states, It is not in any way meant as disrespect towards a member of the opposite gender. I agree that the custom should be explained to avoid confusion or negative perception.
(35) ANM, September 21, 2010 9:25 PM
Anonymous on August 3, 2010, I TOTALLY AGREE! There is no way I would ever work with someone who refused to shake my hand for religious reasons. Health reasons I can understand, but religion is nothing more than an excuse to behave badly for most people. This is no exception. Refusing to shake someone's hand is deeply offensive no matter the sex of those involved.
Laila, September 2, 2011 5:46 PM
You are insensitive to people's religous beliefs!
I am a Muslim woman, and I am embarrassed every time a man tries to shake my hand and I have to explain why I can't, because we have the same laws as the Jews! I'm not an object to be touched, period! We are not badly behaved, we follow the Law of God for our salvation! We believe that if we obey Him we go to paradise, if we don't we burn in the afterlife! It has NOTHING to to with disrespect for the opposite sex, but just the OPPOSITE! We respect that bodies are private, and only your spouse or first degree male relative can touch you. If you can't respect other people's religions - Amish Christians, Hassidic and Orhtodox Jews, Muslims - and narrow mindedly interpret their behavior wrongly, then you are the one who is badly behaved and arrogant! Sorry, but that's just the fact!
Anonymous, December 13, 2011 4:54 AM
What's the difference besides attitude?
Health reasons everyone can understand - why won't you get upset with someone who can't eat pork for health reasons, but when it comes to kosher, they become crazy? Why is someone wearing a headcovering for health reasons (I can think of many) just fine, but as soon as it becomes a matter of religion, they are being rude? It's all the same thing, just a difference in the way you view it. You choose to get insulted because you disagree with religion - that doesn't mean it's wrong.
(34) Anonymous, August 3, 2010 1:37 PM
When You're in the Business World Get Over It!
I am a business woman who found out the hard way (more like the embarrassing way) yesterday that Orthodox Jewish men do not shake hands with women. This was a client whom I had been speaking with on the telephone. When I finally met him in person I extended my hand, only to have him quickly pull is entire arm back. I have read the posts that it is to avoid any potential "sexual" contact. Believe me, the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I don't care what your religion is, when you are in a business setting you play along to business practices.
Anonymous, December 13, 2011 4:49 AM
There is no "get over it" when you're following G-d's instructions
While I don't agree with the way he refused (there are polite ways of doing so, and of minimizing the embarassment - however, sometimes the other person is also taken by surprise, or just doesn't know how to react smoothly), you must understand that the aspect "get over it" doesn't apply here. I don't know if you are a religious person (I would assume not, though, considering your comment), but the things we do are G-d's word. G-d said "don't kill" just as He gave the laws of contact between the sexes - it is all His law. We don't "get over" one part of it that you, in the society we live in today, don't understand, any more than we do the prohibition of murder, which thankfully, society today still does understand.
Wilha, March 2, 2014 4:19 PM
Since when is handshaking business practice 101?Also, I think most people would be offended if someone didn't shake thier hand for fear of contracting "something" - although I wouldn't.I'd just feel sorry for the poor germaphobe.lol By the way, I think a "business" handshake could potentially lead to something else because how else can one explain all the affairs that go in working environments.Most started from a "business" handshakes.
(33) Anonymous, February 21, 2010 8:23 PM
This custom should be explained to non-Jews
When I was working as a newspaper reporter, I was assigned one day to cover an event in our local Orthodox Jewish community. After interviewing several people, I spoke to the rabbi's wife for a few minutes to ask her questions, and at the end of the conversation, like I always do, I extended my hand for a polite hand shake. She just ignored it. She didn't acknowledge the gesture and she didn't explain why she would not shake my hand. At the time I was offended, and I think most people would be. So I ask all Orthodox Jews who practice this custom -- PLEASE explain it to outsiders if such a situation comes up. You will be doing your part to avoid misconceptions about your people, and by explaining such a custom you won't be inadvertently offending someone who is otherwise friendly to your community.
(32) Anonymous, January 3, 2010 10:19 AM
Don't take it personally
Orthodox Jews must follow the "rules" of Orthodox Judaism. The rules can't be bent, ie, reasoned away. Please respect this as you would like what matters to you to be respected. It is not an insult to anyone that a Jew follows his or her rules. Please try to understand.
(31) princeton67, October 16, 2009 1:42 AM
other reasons for avoiding physical contact
Many people avoid physical contact - OCD, Germaphobics, SwineFlu worriers, etc. Their behavior - avoidance, wearing breathing masks - has nothing to do with you, but involves certain personal rules. That's their problem. Getting upset, yours. . See the movie "David and Lisa".
(30) Sohail M Rizki, May 4, 2009 10:14 PM
Muslim do not shake hands with opposite sex
This not just jews, Muslims also do not shake hand with opposite sex. It leads to one step closer to do a great sin. First shake hands then hug, then kiss on cheeck and then on lips and what else. Not shaking hand is due to the respect not to insult to someone.
(29) Noelle, March 20, 2009 5:22 PM
How can we show mutual respect?
I came to this post because I work with an Orthodox Jewish man. He is very respectful of me and my work, but it is starting to deeply bother me that he will not shake my hand, or give me a greeting that is equal to the one that he gives my male co-workers. I don't wish to make him uncomfortable with a handshake, and I believe that he does not wish me to be uncomfortable either. However, I am, because when he shakes hands with my co-workers and not me, I feel lessened, and singled out due to my gender. It's already hard enough to pave my way in my male-dominated field. I would like to approach him to see if there is a way we can come to an understanding so that I will feel respected as an employee and a co-worker, and he will not feel like he is breaking with his religious beliefs. Any ideas? By the way, I consider my deep-seeded feminism to be at the level of religious belief. By singling me out by my gender and assuming that touch is sexual, or assuming that I am even attracted to men, that is something I do not believe is right. I don't have a holy book to back me up, but that doesn't make my belief any less strong.
Anonymous, July 27, 2011 3:14 PM
You're sure that shaking your male co-worker's hand is entirely non-sexual - FOR YOU. But how can you be equally sure that it would be entirely non-sexual for HIM? Let's say, for argument's sake, that if he shook your hand it would not arouse any sexual feelings in him whatsoever. However, it is undeniable that in general men find women to be attractive, and that in at least some cases ostensibly "purely businesslike" handshaking is tinged with sexual interest. Now what? An orthodox man should shake hands only with those women whom he is sure he has no sexual interest in whatsoever? Now THAT'S offensive. Everybody knows that David will shake Caren-the-frumpy-middle-aged accountant's hand, but will never ever shake Sharon-the-cute-young secretary's hand. So who do you want to be - Caron or Sharon? If you asked me, I'd say neither. It's much, much better for David to not shake ANY woman's hand.
(28) Anonymous, January 9, 2009 3:21 PM
Appreciated this once explained
I was requested to meet with an orthodox jew in a business setting yesterday and was surprised but not offended that he shook hands with a male colleague but not with myself. He did say "I hope you are not offended" but did not expand. I assumed this was the custom in his religion and respected this. The other women in the office engaged in agitated conversation following his visit and will be pleased to hear that it is a mark of respect.
(27) Anonymous, November 16, 2008 7:23 PM
interseted in the truth
I (not an Orthodox Jew) respect people based on who they are. I recently was in a situation in which an Orthodox Jew, of the opposite sex, refused to shake my hand in a business encounter. Instead of explaining his position and religion I was simply told that he does not shake a womans hand. I was offended. Had he taken a moment to explain to me,in my ignorant position, that this shows respect to his wife in his religion I would have understood and not been offended. Alas, no explanation was offered other than that he did not shake a womans hand. I do think that this is a beautiful way to bring your spouse to the most important male/female relationship in your life after reading the explanation here. For all who read this, please, take a moment and further explain to someone who may not have had the opportunity to learn this before. I would not have walked away mad about it if only a little more information had been shared. I don't expect that everyone knows where I come from and how to take everything I say or do because every persons life experience has taught them some things, but not all.
(26) Malkah, March 16, 2008 1:55 PM
The woman was in the wrong in any case.
Why should somebody be forced to touch another human being whom they are not comfortable touching? To an orthodox man, touching a woman is a sexual action, and trying to force him to take part against his will in what he considers a sexual action is sexual harassment, plain and simple.
(25) Brian, January 17, 2008 5:02 AM
I believe when in Rome do as the Romans do.
If I was in their home, I'd try to remember they don't like to shake hands and respect that. However they should also respect our customs when they are in our home and shake our hands.
I wouldn't travel to Italy and start kicking up a fuss because they won't serve me a full English breakfast.
(24) Anonymous, September 23, 2007 9:26 PM
Untouchable
Muslims have the same retriction. It's definitely not a sign of sexism and lack of respect. Get over it and realize the importance of it to an orthodox person.
(23) Anonymous, August 28, 2007 10:54 PM
It's about being polite
Most people love having the attention on them when you seem genuinly interested. If you know you are in a situation where you have to refuse a handshake, make up for it by being respectful in other ways, showing genuine interest, being polite, telling her about some event she might be interested in or some antedote from your life (very brief). Make yourself as human as possible and elevate her so that when it comes to refusing a handshake (blaim it on your loyalty to your wife), it won't be a big deal as she won't view it as a sign of disrespect.
(22) Anonymous, August 28, 2007 10:53 PM
Yes...
I think it's wrong to think that this woman was only reacting to the fact that this Orthodox man wouldn't shake her hand. People respond to a whole bunch of things in body language. Maybe the Orthodox Man refused to shake her hand impolitely. Or perhaps he wasn't as friendly as he could be or that she was used to. However, maybe he was perfectly polite and friendly and maybe this woman just got offended by the fact he wouldn't shake her hand.
Which leads me to think:
1. This orthodox man by not shaking this woman's hands in effect made Judaism and religiosity look bad because she viewed 'not shaking hands' as a sign of sexism and lack of respect. Maybe shaking hands would have been the better thing to do. However, maybe to this man, it was so important to him to keep shomer negiya rather than do what many religious people who are shomer negiya would do, to shake hands.
A solution to this for a man who doesn't even want to break shomer negiya when it comes to shaking hands (even if it might hurt another's feelings) is to say upfront:
"This is not to be sexist. I do not shake hands with women who are not my wife. It's a custom that I hold because I want to be as loyal to my wife as possible and in our culture we don't touch other women even in handshakes in order to be loyal and maximize our sensitivity to touch."
This comment might seem very bold and many men might be embarrassed saying it but the other option would be to overcompensate and be more polite, more friendly than usual in order to give off a good impression. Basically this woman didn't feel like she was respected. To rectify this, this man could have showed her much respect and been on his friendliest in order to avoid her feeling as if she wasn't respected when he avoided to shake his hand. And not just friendly, friendly the dale carnegie way, make her feel valued, talk in terms of her interest.
Every religious Jew in my opinion should take the Dale Carnegie course to learn how to 'Win friends and influence people' and to also not rub people the wrong way. You don't want to make G-d's name look bad or religious people look bad. Make religious people look good by being the best person socially that you can be.
Another option would be to have a card
in his pocket. When the woman holds out her hand to shake his hand, he takes out the card and hands it to her and says,
'What do you think of this design?'
Diverting the attention. And always cary around a funny means of diverting. If she ends up noticing this, then the man could tell her but do so in a way not like 'I'm religious and I do this" but more like "please don't hate me". Sometimes you have to take yourself down from your pedastool in order from not offending another and creating a bad impression.
(21) Anonymous, April 12, 2007 9:05 AM
Re: tearing up the contract
i has never met an hasidic jew until yesterday. my encounter with him was one of the most profound learning expereinces in my life. I approached him to let him know that i appreciated his people and i was so happy to meet him i went to hug him as i would anyone eles however he recoiled in horror. i was perpelexed and after this clumsy social exchange he was so kind and expalined to me what it was of his religious belief that men and women do not hug or shake hands. he said that he apprecatied the kindness that i extented toward him and the Jewish popele. he helped me get an understanding and it was appreciated. I think that the exchange between the agent and the women could have been politely explained, that i think would have helped to garnish any hurt feeling or distain for their traditon. i walked away from the experience with an even greater respect for them.
(20) Imre J Csikany, November 17, 2002 12:00 AM
Hooray for Modesty and Temperance !
I was rebuked not too long ago for extending the hand to a business-
woman and was "shocked" at her resistence and recoil(she was a practicing Muslim). Afterward I was thankful for the experience because
it brought into perspective how I
treated people so casually.Restraint
and respect are so lacking in society
that gestures of decency(decency as in not extending the hand) are percieved
as "disrespect".Nevertheless we are accountable to G-D alone when it comes
to such matters as modesty,loyalty to
family and faith."As for me and My house...." Imre j Csikany
(19) melanie, November 13, 2002 12:00 AM
she was interested in him
I wonder why this woman was so offended at the noncompliance of this man to shake her hand. Seems to me that she was a little more interested in him than just the real estate contract. If she got this upset it was because she felt her emotional advance was shunned.
(18) Marcy Braverman, November 13, 2002 12:00 AM
Get Randy Cohen's response to Jonathan Rosenblum!
I appreciate Randy Cohen's column very much and was surprised by his thoughts on this topic. Has he seen this article by Jonathan Rosenblum? I would REALLY like to hear his response to "The ethicist of the NY Times gets it wrong."
(17) Anonymous, November 13, 2002 12:00 AM
Explain the Faith
As a formerly secular woman who reached out over twenty years ago to shake her religious brother's hand in congratulation at his wedding, and was rebuffed with no comment, I have to weigh in with those readers who write about using judgment in situations.
For those who tow the line with no exceptions, an explanation needs to accompany the behavior of not shaking hands.
No matter how unintelligent, illogical, and misguided Randy Cohen's advice is about tearing up the contract, it is equally misguided and illogical to foist one's practices on another out of the blue, especially when that person has extended (as in the US) a hand as a gesture of faith, trust and keeping one's word. (Remember handshake agreements?)
What does the Torah (Chumash) tell us about honoring the stranger, helping even one's enemy, preserving dignity, not doing to others what one does not want done to oneself?
Even though, as a new T'shuvah, I strongly thought that certain opinions of the Talmudic sage Shammai were clearly more techically correct than those of Hillel, after a while of learning and practicing I saw the wisdom of the sages in choosing the opinions of Hillel and his school, and understood why Hillel's school and authority lasted for several hundred years. Justice needs an overbalance of mercy to compensate for humanity's frailness.
As a businessperson, I see that the real tests of faith and practice take place in all the small decisions that constitute a day; all the interactions with others and the tests of practice for oneself. Certainly each person's tests are different, but they should not involve shaming or hurting another person unless that is strongly called for.
(16) Eliezer Zabrowsky, November 12, 2002 12:00 AM
I am looking for a job. The last time I was looking for employment was more than two years ago. At the time I was without a job for about 5 weeks. During that time, I was interviewed by a very large, prominent, and established company. Working there would look very good on my resume, and would pay very well. I was greeted by a woman who extended her hand. I did not take her hand and explained that I don’t have any contact with the opposite gender. The interview began. She explained what she was looking for. I was given a written test. It seemed to me that I fit the job description like a glove. I didn’t get the job. The only thing I could think of was the handshake. A short time later I received a different job. One year later the world was shell-shocked when the World Trade Center and many of the surrounding buildings crumbled. Guess where I would have been had I received that much-coveted job.
I mentioned that I am once again looking for a job. You can bet your bottom $ that a hetero-handshake is one principle I will not compromise on!
(15) Ken Hecht, November 12, 2002 12:00 AM
Why is it only Jewish customs that cause shock?
I wonder what both the Ethicist and the woman questioner would have done if instead of dealing with an Orthodox Jewish real estate person, she had been dealing with a person who couldn't shake hands because of a skin condition which would have been exacebated by touching another person?
Why is it only Jewish customs and practices which are seen to be strange, particularly by another Jew (or an ostensible Jew)?
This particular situation is not about ethics but about manners. The woman is ignorant about Orthodox Jewish practices and was therefore taken aback. Randy Cohen should have explained that there was nothing to be shocked about and nothing to find offensive.
(14) Anonymous, November 12, 2002 12:00 AM
Right and wrong
Yes, we Jews are not supposed to touch those of the opposite sex. However, there are times when one has to use judgement on the spot regarding cultural norms, and go with the rabbis that allow shaking hands. As an orthodox woman in the business world, and also connected in a certain way to the non-religious Jewish world, I encounter many men who simply wish to be courteous and show me respect by shaking my hand, as they would a business associate's or friend's. I can tell that many of them already don't know what to make of me, with my hair covered and long sleeves and skirts, and multitudes of little children often hanging around said skirts, so when they extend their hand I generally shake it, rather than add to their discomfort and even fear of the unknown, by not emitting what may be interpreted as a "holier than thou" attitude, which could make these men feel silly or embarrassed. As these men learn more about orthodox Judaism, they stop putting out their hand, and are comfortable with that. But on the first meeting, and often their first encounter with orthodoxy, my assessment is that it is preferable to shake now, and explain later. And here is one little tidbit that may help to put things in perspective - when women come to visit the Sephardic chief rabbi, they kiss the ring on his finger, just like the men. No, I am not a rabbi, but this is an example of a cultural norm in the sephardic society where everyone kisses each other on the cheeks upon meeting - and I mean everyone - men kiss men, women kiss women, etc. My opinion is to keep things in proportion.
(13) Anonymous, November 12, 2002 12:00 AM
Shaking hands is not necessary
I work with high-profile clients, and am quite successful, thank G-d. As a Torah-observant woman, I do not shake hands with men. I'll admit it's not always easy because you know the other party feels a little dumb, but very soon into the meeting the see you for who you are -- highly talented and personable. That more than makes up for shaking hands - trust me. Shaking hands against your religious convictions is just comes from insecurity. (Don't get me wrong - mustering up the courage to not shake hands is a VERY hard thing to uphold. Thankfully I don't encounter this issue every day.) My company has never lost a client because I wouldn't shake hands. On the contrary, I would venture to think that I'm a more memorable person (and that is definitely a business advantage). One more thing to remember: If you believe in Divine Providence, then this carries over to your success in business. When you do Hashem's will, you never lose.
(12) fay, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
Answer to woman in question.
Approaching the exit after attending a Hasidic rebbe's tisch we (women) were asked to move back so the rebbe could leave the shul without seeing us. One woman became very offended at this. I told her she should be flattered to be thought so desirable that even to look at her elbow would inflame the rebbe, a traveled and sophisticated man.
She thought about it for a few seconds, said OK and left with a smile.
(11) Alan Oberlender, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
Laughable, if not pathetic advice from a "philosopher"
Well said, Jonathan. Indeed, Cohen's counsel was "a sham, and a shame," surely lacking any measurable sense of wisdom.
(10) Braha, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
But what about...
I find the response of the "ethicist " spoken of appaling. But the point made about tzniut becoming, in extreme cases, a misused tool for denigration of women seems to me a "slippery slope", as the author called another such delicate and subjective issue. Where does the line between preserving dignity and sexual exclusity cross over to become a deliberate confounding of women's healthy self-expression? I fear many women may stifle their own creativity, need for exersize (not to be taken so lightly), and artistic leanings, among other things, in the name of what is lauded in some Jewish communities as "tzniut". To me, that seems a shame and an embarresment to an establishment (orthodox Judaism) which purports to forward a way of life which is G-d given in every way. Guess what? G-d made women's bodies, minds, creative abilities and needs, also. I'd love responses discussing this important and sensitive issue. My opinion is in no way based on conclusive research and insight, just a concern which has been brooding for quite a while as I quietly live my chareidi life in Jerusalem. Thanks. Great article. I hope the people spoken of in it read it and take it to heart.
(9) judy-o, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
You missed the obvious ruling about not embarrassing someone
In the case of the real estate agent not shaking the woman's hand, I understand that embarrassing someone (in this case the woman was admittedly shocked) is equivalent to shedding blood, and one should never embarrass someone.
Gross, January 21, 2020 11:37 PM
Cardinal Sins
You bring up a very interesting point, being that embarrasing someone is a child of murder, one of the three cardinal sins (see Shaarei Teshuva), while touching an ervah is a child of adultery, another cardinal sin. Why do you think one is more important than the other?
(8) Anonymous, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
Voila!
I was very glad to see your article which I agree with wholheartedly.I felt that the Ethicist" was definitely out of order!
(7) R. Sander, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
My first thought...
As I read the NY Times Mag. column, the first thought that went through my mind was "aish article." And,look!, here it is!!! Thanks for giving Randy Cohen a piece of my mind.
(6) Betty Cherniak, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
Maybe the real estate agent got it wrong!
My rav of some years ago (Eastern-European Yeshiva trained) taught his students that it was worse to decline to shake hands, resulting in the almost inevitable embarrassment to the other party, than to shake with the intention of deriving no pleasure from the interaction (derech eretz kadmah l'Torah). This approach makes much more sense to me than making a big deal out of "not shaking" and offending people (a chillul Hashem, as witness the reaction of the woman in the story). Wouldn't any of us be insulted in the same situation, unless of course we were privy to the customs of orthodox culture?
(5) Anonymous, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
Cultural context.
Sure, the orhodox man may have been correct. But he should have at least mentioned to her his religious obligation, and "shaken her hand" with lashonim tovim-good and honorable words-to her person, so to lessen her alienation. In latin countries hugs and kisses are second nature even between newly meeting people. I can certainly imagine a scene between a Germanized Jew and a Latinized Jew. If the law forbid physical touching, there must be a compensatory act of emotional appreciation for the business.
(4) Dorothy Melvin, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
The "Ethicist"
Great point. Nowhere in the contract does it say they have to shake hands. Why is it acceptable of anyone who is not Jewish to follow their beliefs and yes, what is divinely mandated? Florida does not question a woman who wants to wear her burka because of her beliefs on identification, but the "Ethicist" feels that the Jewish man should not follow his own beliefs. He would not be much of a believer if he broke the rules. Absurd. These are the reasons I no longer read the NY Times.
(3) Anonymous, November 11, 2002 12:00 AM
excellent--see my letter to NY Times:
The response of Randy Cohen to the offended feminist who was denied a handshake (The Ethicist 10/27/02) was knee-jerk liberalism at its worst.
Let's get the facts straight. Orthodox Judaism is just that...ORTHODOX. It's adherents, especially the right-wing genre, are strict in its observance and do not believe they have the "luxury" of reinterpreting the Torah laws that have already been interpreted by the greatest Sages of the world. What this woman described was not sexism, as that implies the superiority of one over the other. Nothing could be further from the truth. If a woman chose to adhere to the strict commandments, she too, as a businessperson, would not shake the hands of men she did business with. It's as equal as you can get--one is not inferior to the other--and they treat each other with the utmost respect.
Equating religious observance with the school desegregation case is like comparing infanticide to prostitution. While segregation and prostitution may have serious social implications, religion and infanticide are clearly nonnegotiable. The Supreme Court may decide societal issues, but there is no parity between G-d's laws and man's.
The thin-skinned, self-described "feminist" should consider that Feminism endorses freedom to be the person "you want to be," without restrictions. Why, then, can't the real estate agent be who he wants to be, without being accused of a major offense? He didn't attack her, after all. He didn't impinge on her space--quite the opposite--she is trying to infringe on his! Imagine, for a moment, what might have ensued, if he were of the secular world, and he wanted to kiss her upon sealing the deal!!!
The "ethicist's" advice to "tear up the contract" is unethical, incredibly divisive, and would never stand up in a court of law without evidence of impropriety. The agent deserves to be paid for the undoubtedly long hours, maybe even weeks or months, of his time invested in bringing the deal to fruition. Ms. Feminist even states that the agent was courteous and competent, and gave her the contract she desired. Isn't that what she hired him to do? Why are there strings attached? A good Feminist would never stand for that!!!
Wrong call, Ump! Ms. Feminist is the offensive one!!
(2) Chana Rubin, November 10, 2002 12:00 AM
where is the oft-touted left-liberal tolerance ?
I really appreciate the comprehensive article on this subject, and agree wholeheartedly with the writer. It confounds me, when the people who tout tolerance for gays, free speech, abortion, etc., have zero-tolerance for religious observance (except perhaps their own). If an Orthodox Jew wishes to dress and behave in a tzniusdik way, the left-liberal abhors such behavior! However, the same person might laud the Amish for persevering in his different life style. When I'm faced with being expected to shake hands with a man, usually in the office, I very quietly explain that an Orthodox woman MAY NOT shake hands with a man. It sometimes amazes me, that "free speech" seems to be a one-way street. I don't demand of the ethicists to live my way .I wish Mr. Cohen would, but I would never demand that he does so.
(1) Elaine Panebianco, November 10, 2002 12:00 AM
Randy gets an "F"
Randy usually gives such thoughtful, calm responses to ethical questions. But this was so heavy-handed and awful it makes me wonder...what's bothering Randy?