In her long experience as a college campus psychiatrist, Miriam Grossman had treated students with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and broken hearts. Their pain touched Grossman, but as a medical professional, she had learned to leave office concerns at the office -- until she met Brian.
Brian had come to her for help in quitting his cigarette addiction. But Grossman was alarmed that Brian, openly gay and equally open about his promiscuity, had never been tested for HIV and had no intention to do so. "It's hard to be monogamous," Brian shrugged, adding that he preferred simply not to think about the possible consequences of his lifestyle.
Knowing how dire these consequences could be, Grossman advised Brian to limit his partners and use protection. But when she began to look into what other steps she could do to protect him from himself, she hit a brick wall. Like other doctors, she has the right to report those who may be carriers of a dangerous infectious disease, such as tuberculosis. She has the legal right to hospitalize a suicidal or homicidal patient, even if it is against their will. Yet there was nothing she could do to compel Brian to get tested for HIV or to inform his partners of their risk for developing the virus.
Health professionals assume that students make smart decisions, even in the area of sexuality.
Grossman wondered, "Why was I mandated to protect a patient with TB, but not Brian? After all, TB can almost always be cured, whereas when HIV becomes AIDS, it is nearly fatal."
This situation was the final straw in the psychiatrist's ongoing frustration with "the bizarre world of politically correct medicine," a world she explores in her book, Unprotected: A Campus Psychiatrist Reveals How Political Correctness in Her Profession Endangers Every Student. Her goal is for the book to be a wake-up call to students, their parents, and the health educators whose approach to student health she believes hurts students.
"Campus health professionals tell students that self-control is appropriate when it comes to diet and exercise, smoking, and drinking," Grossman observes. "They assume that students can make smart decisions and delay gratification in these areas, but not so in the area of sexuality. With sexuality, the students hear catch phrases about 'self-discovery', and 'sexual rights.'" Grossman was also dismayed that many brochures and web sites targeted expressly for teens and young adults refer to certain behaviors that in the recent past would have been considered pathological or dangerous as just "lifestyle choices," devoid of medical, emotional or spiritual impact.
Unprotected stemmed from an article that Grossman wrote about her concern about Brian. As she wrote it, she thought of dozens of other students whose depression, anxiety and other emotional disorders she was convinced began by choosing certain "lifestyle choices" whose risks were purposefully ignored by campus health counselors.
For example, young women with sexually transmitted bacteria are assured that a simple dose of antibiotics will make the infection disappear. However, the body holds an "immunological memory" of these bacteria that could cause miscarriages later on. "This is information young women need to know," Grossman insists.
Similarly, Planned Parenthood routinely tells women that psychological trauma after abortion is "rare," that the procedure is safer than a tonsillectomy. This may be so medically, but Grossman asks, "What of the thousands of women for whom the procedure is traumatic?" Of the 1.3 million women who undergo abortions every year, an estimated 10,000 women suffer a condition similar to post-traumatic stress disorder as a result, something almost never mentioned by campus health counselors. For support, they often turn to places like afterabortion.com, a forum where women express their feelings of grief. It receives more than 1,000 posts a day, with more than 600,000 posts overall.
"While everyone is bewildered at the mental health crisis on our campuses, not one voice suggests that perhaps the aftermath of abortion contributes to the staggering statistics," observes Grossman. "Psychologists try to identify and counsel victims of every possible kind of abuse, harassment, or even of hurricanes that took place thousands of miles from where they lived. Yet they seem unable to entertain the notion that maybe, just maybe some women and men hurt for a long time after abortion, and need our help."
Aware that her book would invite controversy and conflict with many in her field, Grossman originally published the book under the name "Anonymous, M.D." "I knew this might look like a marketing gimmick, but that's not what it was. I simply didn't know what the response would be, and I knew my opinions went against the usual dogma." Since publishing the book, Grossman has learned that she was not alone in her opinions. Several other psychologists have admitted that they shared her view that much of campus counseling puts agendas before people.
Grossman, who is an observant Jew, didn't stay anonymous for long. Media coverage was swift, and the book has since been republished under her name. On a leave of absence from UCLA, Grossman is now a fellow at the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute near Washington, D.C.. She travels to campuses nationwide, speaking to health care practitioners as well as students. Students, she says, are responding to her message with "surprise and concern."
They may have had 10 years of sex education, but still don't know some vital facts.
"They are grateful and have good questions," Grossman says. "They may have had 10 years of sex education but still don't know vital facts, such as the increased vulnerability of girls and women and how dramatically a woman's fertility decreases with age. I tell them that their sexual health is totally in their hands, just like the choice to eat right and exercise. They hold the key to staying healthy, physically and emotionally."
Grossman's Jewish values have informed much of her work, including, for example, her chapter titled, "Memo to the APA: Believing in God Is Good for You," on the conclusive evidence that religious belief promotes health. In fact, one of her patients at UCLA, a religious Catholic student, was relieved to discover that Dr. Grossman was also religious. This married graduate student was wracked with guilt over a growing compulsion to view pornography, something he believed was wrong and wanted to stop. He feared -- rightly, according to Grossman -- that most campus doctors wouldn't understand his values and would not be able to help him sort out his emotional trouble.
"I've seen first-hand the psychological benefit of faith and a life with meaningful rituals in it. I've seen the benefit of a life that includes self-discipline, the notion that there is a right time and a wrong time for things," Grossman says.
Dr. Grossman has a message for Jewish parents who are eager for their kids to go to an Ivy League or other top-flight school: "Your kids need to be very strong to attend these campuses. It's difficult to be immersed in a culture that normalizes and even promotes these behaviors. They need to be aware of the dangers and know how to take care of themselves."
And to the students themselves, already on college campuses? "I try to give the message to students to shun this ideology that enshrines the body (health, appearance, physical pleasure) and abandons the soul (meaning, self-sacrifice, family, church). And Jewish tradition provides the framework for a lifestyle that is so healthy psychologically and physically. There is so much wisdom in it, especially when it comes to relationships. Following it will help them make the right decisions and avoid needless pain in their lives."
(49) scott, November 22, 2014 4:21 PM
how long can people be expected to wait?
My parents married in the sixties. You see they were sophomores in college and got married because as my mother said they couldn't wait any longer. Married at twenty. No one batted an eye. Both finished degrees and went in to successful careers, family and marriage. 54 years and counting. Now we hear how people should finish college and get established in careers and live life before marriage. How many parents would be happy to marry their twenty year old daughter off today? So you're asking young adults to practice abstinence past teen years and into their mid twenties? I know people I was in grad school whose parents were opposed to marriage before getting a PhD or MD. I don't know too many saints. Faced with a society that tells them marriage should be so delayed many just give up on waiting for marriage. I'm just saying...if society was a little more accepting of marrying young there'd be less premarital intimacy.
(48) BarryMiami, November 17, 2014 8:31 AM
He's nuts
Have him Baker Acted and get a court order to have him tested. He's menace to himself and others.
(47) Tova Saul, November 17, 2014 5:52 AM
Finally----A Glimmer of what we should be doing as Jews
Oceans of emotional pain has been caused by parents not teaching their children a sexual ethic-----common sense about when to date, why to date, how long to date, what to look for in a date, when and with whom to have sex. Judaism holds the keys of wisdom to all of this. We as Jews are meant to be the little tugboat that guides the big ships to safety. Up until now, we are not sharing this information to the outside world. May this doctor's efforts be the beginning of a much wider effort by the Jewish people to bring life wisdom to the world.
What's happening on college campuses in the sexual sphere is simply barbaric.
(46) Suzanne, November 17, 2014 12:44 AM
Dr. Grossman is a hero
She speaks about issues that desperately need airing and seems brave enough to withstand the PC garbage that will inevitably come her way - so good for her!! Young people will rarely admit it but what they really need are parents who tell them the truth no matter how "un cool" it is. Parents who are as old as I am - have seen it all before, too. We, personally, came of age during the sixties when the counter culture first appeared. All around us, people were experimenting in a culture of sex, drugs, rock and roll, and "alternative life styles". It was a time of an enormously powerful counter culture that brainwashed a lot of originally decent people into thinking that wrong was right and right was wrong (politically as well as morally). This same counter culture is still going strong today. Without naming ANY names to protect the identities of people, I've told my children what people I knew then did - and what happened to them as a result. I've told them how some of the decisions they made 40 plus years ago hurt them then and in some cases still impact their lives today. My kids reactions? They were usually very interested in these (truthful) stories - even though many of of the people in them had predictable bad endings. So, the moral of this story is - do your best to have a loving, happy home and strive to give your kids the tools to stick on a "strait and narrow" path. (Naturally these ideals are really helped by giving them a decent religious upbringing and, if possible, sending them to a decent religious school). Also and this is really important, too -, don't be afraid to tell them - BEFORE they go to college - about the awful behavior they'll see there - both with their fellow students as well as with the leftist professors and the garbage they preach. A lot of kids really do listen and they'll thank you for it later.
(45) Emma, November 16, 2014 5:58 PM
Misconceptions
I suppose I'm not surprised to see nonsense misconceptions about medicine parroted here, considering Ms. Grossman is a psychiatrist and not a physician. Firstly, immunological memory is what makes subsequent infections by the same illness less severe than the first one. It is an adaptation to the bacteria we experience, not a divine punishment that renders women barren. Secondly, Ms. Grossman laments that "there was nothing she could do to compel Brian to get tested for HIV or to inform his partners of their risk for developing the virus." While she is required to report him to a local infectious disease center IF he tests positive, she can't invade her patient's privacy by tracking down his partners and employers. There's a reason for that - HIPPA and patient privacy laws.HIV is not even nearly as communicable as TB, and only spreads through specific bodily fluids. Would we rather return to the days of the AIDS panic, when innocent men and women outed in this way lost their schooling, employment, families, and friends because of unfounded fears that they would maliciously infect the healthy people around them? The last thing students dealing with sensitive issues want to hear is that they brought dire consequences on themselves for being "promiscuous." That is not helpful to the student, that only makes them more scared and ashamed of coming forward with issues in the future. This isn't an issue of "political correctness," this is an issue of ethics and respect for one's patient.
Edward, November 16, 2014 11:58 PM
misunderstood
It appears you misunderstood, privacy of the pt is one thing but to allow someone to continue their dangerous behavior is another. You make is seem HIV is not so bad and not easily transmitted. It is not like Brian admits to shaking people's hands, he is having unprotected sex with random people in a high risk setting. SO what is helpful for Brian? To allow him to continue with possibly infecting him and countless others..it sounds like you would like to go back to where there was an HIV pandemic..where no one was really aware of the disease or cared enough to protect themselves. This situation is like a person with a gun but doesn't know if there are bullets inside, would we allow him to continue shooting even if the first few shots were blanks. Dr. Grossman also wants to protect Brian from himself. Unfortunately, it is people like you with misguided and misunderstandings about privacy and political correctness that got us here in the first place.
emma, November 18, 2014 9:39 PM
Despite his poor choices, nowhere in the article does it say Brian is having sex unprotected. Are you assuming this just because he is gay? The only plausible methods for someone like him to get HIV are through shared needles and unprotected sex, so as long as he doesn't do drugs and uses protection every time, he is being rather responsible.
Miriam Grossman MD, November 17, 2014 7:56 PM
Reply from. Dr Grossman
Emma, it's hard to know where to begin. First, to become a psychiatrist one must complete medical school and an internship, which in my case was in pediatrics. You must be thinking of psychologists - they are not physicians.
Second, the immune system is more complex than you may imagine. A woman treated for chlamydia may, many years after she believes it was cured, suffer miscarriage because a protein produced by the fetus is similar to one produced by chlamydia, and her immune system, remembering the chlamydia protein, attacks the fetus. This is not "divine punishment", those are your words, not mine. Women have a right to know the potentially devastating consequences of so-called "protected sex".
You are also misinformed about epidemiology and control of infectious disease. To be eradicated, epidemics like HIV/AIDS must be fought with proven techniques that have been used with TB and other organisms. Sadly, due to political correctness, this has not been the case, and thirty years into this plague, it's still going strong.
Anonymous, November 18, 2014 1:50 PM
Thanks for responding, and sorry about the misconceptions about your qualifications. I just find it objectionable that someone whose field focuses primarily on mental health should be forcing their sexual ideology onto their patients.
For instance, you seem to be of the mindset that even using protection will not protect patients from STDs like chlamydia. Many studies have proven their effectiveness when used consistently and properly. The most common reasons why protection fails is because students use them incorrectly, or they only use one type of protection. Do you teach students how to use protection, or at least refer them to someone who can?
I just have one more question: how is "political correctness" preventing you from stopping/treating HIV, and what legal measures would YOU put in place if you had your way?
TB, November 19, 2014 10:11 PM
"I'm not surprised to see nonsense misconceptions about medicine..."
"...considering Ms. Grossman is a psychiatrist and not a physician."
Psychiatrists are physicians.
Anonymous, November 23, 2014 11:48 AM
You write, "I'm not surpirsed to see nonsense misconceptions abotu medicine parroted here, considereing Ms. Grossman is psychiatrist and not a physician."
ALL psychiatrists are medical doctors. They go through regular medical school and graduate with MD degrees. They go through a medical residency in psychiatry as their specialty. Secondly and unfortunately, that someone would "malicioiusly infect the healthy people around them" is NOT an unfounded fear regarding the spread of AIDS. There are MANY such cases, and it only takes a few such pyschopaths to bring destruction of others' lives. Personally I think it is CRIMINAL for someone not to tell that they have a communicable disease, and if that person won't tell then the caregiver is an accessory to a crime. And wake up - only a small minority of gay men - and yes, even the ones in long-term relationships - are truly forever monogamous.
(44) Anonymous, November 20, 2011 1:46 AM
Women Need to Know
Know one told me or acknowledged that the deep depression I went into after an abortion was a possible outcome of the abortion itself. Yes, I was young and stupid. Not one psychiatrist or psychoanalyst connected the dots. It would have meant a lot to realize this was a kind of wrenching "post partum" tailspin. Thank you for informing students and everyone else of the truth.
Chana, November 16, 2014 4:01 PM
To Anon #44--I really wish you the best.
I grew up secular and liberal and was very well-informed according to secular, liberal standards, but much later realized how ignorant I truly was. Many of the facets of abortion are either lied about or omitted or blurred and this deception is presented very professionally and convincingly by societal icons, the entertainment industry, books, and teachers, etc. I doubt you were stupid, but that the misinformation is tremendous and powerful, and even so-called abortion/pregnancy counseling generally only counsels one option: abortion.
I can empathize with you even though I was never in your situation, because had I been, I likely would have made the same decision you did -- with the same resulting depression.
I'm so sorry you suffered and I wish you the best.
(43) Jeannette Zipes, November 4, 2011 12:46 AM
Unprotected
Great article. the orthodox Jews are not for abortion because it is God's image and killing a child because they are inconvinient. Abortion has become the new birth control. In Russia women have 6 to 7 or more abortion. Putin is worried about population imbalance.I like to see more articles about this subject.
(42) Suzanne, November 3, 2011 4:00 PM
This all stems for the 60's
This doctor is a hero. I really feel sorry for young people today as, for decades and for many, there has been no real foundation of moraity in western socities. Many of these students' parents, although very loving and very well meaning, can also give their children bad advise stemming from rejection of traditional religious values, feminism or some other lefty garbage that they, too, injested years ago. Sometimes, it can take many years, putting egos aside and much soul searching until people can see this. Sometimes, they never can. I'm afraid that until there is a wide spread return to traditional values, which only kids that come from religious homes(either Christian or Jewish) have, many young people will continue to flounder with these same serious problems.
(41) Anonymous, November 2, 2011 10:19 PM
Thank You!
I am a physician and have a college student. She was having some problems and my husband I sent her to a therapist (who was "supposed" to be excellent) hoping that she would sort out some issues. Instead, he promoted immoral behavior and told her she should "emancipate" from the family. Luckily, we were able to undo the damage and help her with her problems. I have ordered your book and my daughter and I will both read it.
(40) Esther, November 2, 2011 7:05 PM
Misleading Article
College campuses all over America are not full of observant students. Her patients have many different backgrounds, with many different reasons to have depression and anxiety. I am disappointed that a therapist cannot see beyond her own observant background and judges these students. In my experience, college can cause depression and anxiety for MANY different reasons. Competitive exams and financial woes cause at least as much if not more depression in college as failed relationships Do I think that people should get tested for HIV if they have had relations with multiple partners? Of course! Do I think the boy in this article is being irresponsible? Yes! He is a 18-22 year old kid! His sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. Parents, PLEASE, if you preach abstinence too strongly, your kids will not come to you later. PLEASE, teach your children not that sex is dirty, because if something happens or they disagree, they will not want to come to you. Tell them why you believe what you believe but that who they are close to is THEIR decision. It is one of the first adult decisions we make. Tell them that if they choose to engage in intercourse, BE SAFE! If you have a daughter, stress to her the importance of condoms! I knew so many girls from abstinent only households that did not think condoms made much of a difference when they started having sex. Tell your children about STDs, and what to watch out for. Don’t lead them like lambs to the slaughter. There are young men and women who take advantage of others from sheltered families. Don’t let your child become a victim because he/she was not properly educated. Every life is different. We all make choices that sometimes we wish we hadn't. To the commentators on here that had what they view as a "promiscuous" lifestyle, and regret it, I am sorry that you live with that regret. Please do not condemn those that are content. To the others who are simply judging… shame on you.
Anonymous, November 3, 2011 2:35 PM
Education starts early Esther makes a good point although Dr Grossman is I belive 100% correct re a healthier people and society
Esther makes a good point .if parents have no problem with their kids being sexually active they should tell them to use protection.Same re abortions over carrying to term if pregency results, and in beng responsible when drinking or using "soft drugs".These are all situations common to most parents own experiences if they grew up secular and attended college. Dr Grossman is from a segment of society shared by many religious folks of other faiths that will raise children with different values than the mainsteam,and for that reason many if not most won't send their kids to secular universities as the values and lifestyles are so different.
Miriam, November 3, 2011 2:47 PM
You are totally not facing reality.
The suicide rates for girls is way above that of boys of the same ages. Every time a girl engages in premarital sex she destroys a part of herself that she can never get back. You know it, I know it; it's an obvious fact. Girls all over America are being encouraged to destroy themselves. Shame on you for encouraging this as well with you comments.
Miriam, November 16, 2014 12:23 PM
Shame on you
for giving your approbation on the War on Women in this country. Yes, this is the War on Women, not how much money they make in the workplace.
Yael, November 18, 2014 3:55 AM
As someone who works with todays college women...
1)sound advice is good to anyone who will listen.. observance has nothing to do with that. She is not judging students for their behavior, she is merely giving them unpolluted education they wouldn't get anywhere else. sounds to me like YOU are the one judging her.
2)Most young women today are sexually "very" active not because they want to be, but because it is the culture, the norm.. and they aren't strong enough to say no.. her friends don't. Meet a guy at a party, he texts you for a "good" time.. that is todays norm. Tellling a girl it is okay not to have sex is not making a decision for her, rather enabling her with a choice to begin with.
3)you say "Competitive exams and financial woes cause at least as much if not more depression in college as failed relationships" I work with Ivy league students and I have yet to had one girl cry to me because of exams or academic pressure, but social and relationship pressures I have many times seen the tears flow.
(39) Andy, November 2, 2011 6:31 PM
bizarre
"Brian had come to her for help in quitting his cigarette addiction. But Grossman was alarmed that Brian, openly gay and equally open about his promiscuity, had never been tested for HIV and had no intention to do so. " That says it all. See a shrink to quit smoking but possibly speading the HIV virus no problem.
(38) Michael, October 31, 2011 10:15 PM
MYOB
Mrs Grossman may think it is all great standing on her soapbox in the name of Jewish values but recently I went to a GP (anxiety issues) who used the opportunity to suggest I should attend a church even after I told him I am Jewish! Meddling can swing both ways! Her position is typical of the Orthodox who have almost-arranged marriages at a young age and therefore don't have to deal with the dilemmas of match making throughout 20's, and consequently out of touch with why people are the way they are. Last of all promiscuity is just as rampant in hetereosexual relationships. I think she doesn't really accept gay people.
Impressed, November 2, 2011 4:56 PM
to Michael (MYOB)
Michael, I happen to be an orthodox Jew, and yet I agree with you, that a professional setting is not necessarily a place to be pushing religious values on other people- but your last two sentences are totally off. She is not ignoring heterosexual promiscuity, as she is addressing crowds on campus about topics including the dangers of ANY type of promiscuity, and the physical and emotional dangers of abortions, which obviously are not a result of homosexual relationships. I think the doctor clearly states that her mission is to increase all young people's personal awareness and responsibility. A promiscuous, unprotected, homosexual male (who is at a much higher risk for HIV) and refuses to be tested is acting irresponsibly, and even a gay rights activist, or a gay man himself cannot disagree with that statement. I think the doctor was just using that as a particular example of the types of things college students dont know, and need to.
Anonymous, November 2, 2011 11:53 PM
i disagree
I have strong jewish values, but am not practicing in the typical orthodox sense. However, I actually think that "almost-arranged" marriages make a lot of sense.Maybe then all the "dilemmas" of dating (and short lasting marriages) would be limited as well as promiscuity in all relationships. Most young people base relationships on superficial issues - hence their problems.
(37) Anonymous, October 31, 2011 6:10 AM
wonderfully refreshing
In this new world of liberalism it is so nice to have some grounding in reality. If everyone could be free to "express themselves" we would have no order at all in this world
(36) Anonymous, October 30, 2011 8:02 PM
Just because we live in a sexualized society, it does not mean we need to be sexually active. I am the mother of a 20 year old male, and have told him I hope he waits until he gets married to have sexual relations. Also, we are free to vote with our wallets. If I feel a certain outfit is too provocative then I will not buy it. If enough of society felt as I do, then the designers would have to rethink what they are doing.
(35) Tova Saul, October 30, 2011 5:33 PM
What's heartwarming about this article is......
......the fact that Dr. Grossman freely shares basic Jewish values for behavior and mental health to everyone----not just to fellow Jews. There's a world of emptiness and pain out there, with many people who are thirsting and open/receptive to hear sound common sense about sexual morality, grounded in Godly values. I brought a non-Jewish man to a great Aish class recently. I met him in the streets of the Old City-----a tourist who is a fire-fighter somewhere in Colorado. He said that in recent years, he's been searching for meaning. At the end of the class, he turned to me and said, "That's the best hour I ever spent." e need to share more of our basic wisdom with them, is all I'm saying.
Abigail, October 31, 2011 8:13 AM
Agreed!
Great point! The Jewish people are indeed meant to be a light to the nations. Nonjews are no less obligated in laws pertaining to moral behavior than Jews.
(34) Norm F, October 30, 2011 3:14 PM
Sexual Health?
Yes, it was fun while it lasted, but what a price to pay! Here it has been almost 45 years since San Francisco's "Summer of Love." & I'm still payiing the price. There is no free lunch. N.
(33) Anonymous, October 30, 2011 1:54 PM
there is a website to go
thanks for caring! I remember being intoduced to alternative lifestyles in bu at the same time as I was introduced to frumkeit- t"G I chose the later- but I do fear for this generation where a nurse has to get permission from a parent to give aspirin but not to direct a child to get an abortion. as far as ssa- this is a goodwebsite- www.jonahweb.org
(32) Lynn, February 23, 2008 3:52 PM
"one who has been there"
Speaking as Josef did, "as one who has been there." I believe you are totally incorrect, as myself, as one who as been there, the depression and anxiety comes AFTER the sexual act has happened. It is only yourself that you are fooling. At this point in my life I was not even religious. I was a mother of two girls and "feeling my oats" since I had gotten married young. I kept it "hidden" from my children as best as I could until I came to a point where I didn't care any longer. Not only did I feel "dirty" after each act but it left me very depressed and anxious. Promiscuity is not only directed at "gays" in her article. Unfortunately, many human beings are promiscuious and not gay at all. It's just down right bad for the soul, period. Now I see my daughters going through the same thing, because me, as their mother did not protect them and "living free" only set them bad examples. You can't take it back, and sometimes the consequences are worse. Now that I know G*d is the most important thing, my prayers are that some how the clouds will be lifted my the eyes of my girls. And I hope there is someone out there like Dr. Grossman who is compassionate enough when they cross my girls paths, that this can be explained and they will listen. Because it won't be coming from "mom." I want to thank Judah for his letter since he is the same age as my girls, and it gives me hope.
(31) Kat, February 12, 2008 6:38 AM
"Immunological memory"
"For example, young women with sexually transmitted bacteria are assured that a simple dose of antibiotics will make the infection disappear. However, the body holds an "immunological memory" of these bacteria that could cause miscarriages later on. "This is information young women need to know," Grossman insists."
The immunological memory that you claim can cause 'miscarriages' is the very thing that fights off infection, that attacks any germ it has seen before and that allows vaccines to protect us all from dangerous diseases.
Without it, you'd need to live in a bubble.
(30) fred, January 29, 2008 2:37 PM
Recommentations for a Kosher Lifestyle
It would be great if the author (or someone else at Aish) could offer a book list that helps reinforce proper attitudes in teenagers. I nearly passed on a book to my daughter this week, recommended by the library association, in which a 15 year old girl becomes pregnant through "consensual" sex with an 18 year old.
Anonymous, October 30, 2011 11:01 AM
Try Wendy Shalit's a Return to Modesty. Excellent for intelligent mature teenager.
Anonymous, October 30, 2011 11:59 AM
Excellent Book
Try "The Magic Touch" by Gila Manolson. Will completely change you!
Anonymous, October 30, 2011 1:49 PM
suggestion
Rabbi Manis Friedman- Doesn't anyone blush anymore
Etti, October 30, 2011 2:17 PM
reading list
While the above two recommendations are wonderful, I get the feeling you want something more in novel form. Modern books are becoming more and more inappropriate, while the books being published by the Jewish publishers are becoming better and better. Try a Jewish bookstore and look through the fiction. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. A cheaper version is www.jewishusedbooks.com, but selection is limited and constantly changing.
Jewish Mom, November 2, 2011 8:23 PM
teen/college book
"You Don't Have to Learn Everything the Hard Way" by Laya Saul is a great book. It's in the self-help category (on Amazon). The book is frank and holds no punches, and covers a lot of territory, including sensitive areas that kids need to know about.
(29) Caitlin, January 29, 2008 1:13 PM
Abortion is traumatic, but should be an option
Regardless of your moral beliefs pertaining to abortion, the facts should be viewed objectively. The number of women who are traumatized after undergoing an abortion is terrible and astounding. But the suffering that abortions prevent should not be ignored either. Having an abortion is a personal decision that should be informed, and for many women is the better option. The message that Grossman gives about not limiting sexual education to one ideal (including abstinence) is an important one.
Dovie E, October 31, 2011 2:24 AM
"Regardless of your moral beliefs..."
Uh, the idea is that many people, myself included, believe abortion to be an act of MURDER. So unless you're saying that I can kill my friend who put me through a hellish experience, I don't see why abortion "should be an option".
Anonymous, November 2, 2011 7:32 PM
Because...
Because of the women who are raped and don't want to raise the child. Because of the possible danger to the mother. Because some women can loose their jobs because they are pregnant and/or have to take care of a young child by themselves. Because some women can not cover the medical costs (more and more employer insurance plans do NOT cover maternity [~$100 a month], assuming they have insurance). Because pregnant teenagers (and single women) are treated horribly by society. Because girls are justifiably terrified of what their parents will do if they find out she has had sex. Because you do not know the contributing factors of all pregnant women, and they have a right to choose whether they want to have an abortion. They have a right to not have to pay a "doctor" $500-$1000 for a folding table "procedure" that leaves them scarred or dead. You see it as murder, some see it as lifeless cells. I personally am in the middle. It is my understanding that Jewish law states the fetus does not have a soul for 40 days, and after 40 days, if the baby is endangering the mother, it is still not seen as murder. But as much as I would never myself have an abortion, I will NEVER deny a woman the right to have one. It is her life, her decision to make, not yours. She will live with the guilt, and if God is angry, he shall be the one to punish her.
(28) Bluma, January 29, 2008 2:03 AM
Ladies... don't do it
I was very surprised that the rate of trauma after abortion that Dr. Grossman quoted was so low. Based on my knowledge of women who have had abortions it is a trauma that is never healed until the end of your days.
But look at the flip-side: I've never heard of a women who had a baby (i.e. didn't have an abortion) and later regretted it. No matter what your state, once you've had that baby you will never, ever be sorry.
I know someone who tried desperately to get an abortion but it was too late (she hadn't noticed she was pregnant due to her drug-induced stupor.) Let me tell you, this woman is now mother to a beautiful 4yo girl who she loves dearly and is the light of her life... as every child is to their mother.
Let my friend - who was a very extreme case - be a lesson to all the more normal people out there. No woman ever regrets having a baby. Don't do it...
Helen Shloimovitz, October 30, 2011 7:42 PM
Speak for yourself
Bluma states categorically that "no woman .....regretted" having a baby. and "every child is (the light of her llife) to their mother". With respect, Bluma, HOW DO YOU KNOW? How dare you speak for every woman on the planet? While I am certainly not in favour of abortion, I'm darned glad that SHOULD IT BE NECESSARY OR DESIRED it is legal and cleanly performed, and not in some back alley. Yes, Bluma, some mothers DO regret bringing a child into this world - maybe they are alone, abandonned, they've been raped by their father or they simply don't want children - it happens, you know. All I'm saying is please don't take it upon yourself to speak for everybody.
Anonymous, October 30, 2011 7:59 PM
Bluma-- I have been 100% pro-choice since I was 14 years old. I have also counseled plenty of women who gave birth to unplanned/unwanted children. Believe me, their children knew they were unwanted. No woman should EVER be forced to carry a baby and give birth on demand. Abortion needs to remain safe, legal and accessible. Is the decision an easy and painless one? I wouldn't say that. However, if we take away a woman's right to choose, then we open ourselves up to a whole host of other social ills.
(27) Marina, January 27, 2008 6:39 PM
I lament an abortion 56 years ago!
Yes, 56 ears ago I underwent a voluntary abortion and I am still suffering for not having been strong enough to suffer the consequences of my misbehavior.
At the time I did not think of God. Now I know I committed murder to safe face! God has forgiven me but the scar is still upon my heart.
Rebecca, November 16, 2014 10:53 PM
Thank you
Marina, thank you for sharing your pain. It's not easy I'm sure, but I think for someone (if not many) it will make a difference and help them to choose the brave choice of life for their child.
(26) yehuda goldberg, January 26, 2008 10:10 PM
Although it may have been slightly implied, I didn't see anywhere in the article the main message that should be given to unmarried youth: *abstinence*. It's not enough to speak generally and vaguely about "sexual health" in this context.
(25) Gabriel Stiles, January 24, 2008 3:41 PM
TB, like AIDS, is in fact a "Communicable Disease".
Ok, I am sorry if I took this wrong, but the 'comment' that was leftk, that said AIDS should not be reported to the goverment, to protect the people, is so off in na-na land it is ridiculous. AIDS is a VERY communicable disease, and it is spreading all over the place today, simply because people like this attitude exist. The majority of AIDS infected folks, especially males, got AIDS because no one protects them by telling them, "Hey, the boy you are dating has AIDS". Why will no one tell him? Perhaps it is becauswe they are too dang selfish to get over their 'political correctness'. I am sorry, 'political correctness' is, in my view, a disease that ris just as deasdly as AIDS. And it is the tool that is used to support islamic terrorists. You do not report the truth, if it has a religion involved, oh no! Political correctness, a sick, mortal disease, disguised as a virtue.
Michael, November 6, 2011 1:06 AM
Please get your facts right before making strong statements.
AIDS is not communicable. It's HIV.
(24) Pinchas, LPN, January 24, 2008 7:07 AM
TB vs. HIV
TB is transmitted through droplets in the air from an infected person, and HIV is transmitted from body fluids of an infected person. Both diseases may be transmitted from a person who looks otherwise healthy. TB is an ancient disease, HIV is recent. In most cases TB can be cured HIV can not be. Usually a person who work at jobs where there is a risk of TB transmition is required to be tested at least annually and as a condition of employment. Our prisons require inmates to be screened for TB and syphylis, and not for HIV. A HCP must report any cases of TB to the CDC, but not HIV. (in my state.)
(23) Anonymous, January 23, 2008 12:05 PM
If only every community is like ours with this subject...
In our Chasidish community, with TV, magazines, dirty stuff etc. banned, we mostly grow up without knowledge in this subject and this is only introduced before marriage. Furthermore, boys are taught not to look direct at woman other than family and girls to be modest so other men shouldn't have bad thougths. Result: sooo much trouble and dirt prevented and the biggest percent of happy marriages and least singles.
Bayla, November 17, 2014 4:20 PM
Exactly!
Just goes to show that living your life in accordance with age-old Jewish tradition is the safest, happiest and healthiest!
(22) Anonymous, January 22, 2008 8:02 PM
TB is different from AIDS
TB is a highly communicable disease which is airborne. Transmission of the HIV virus is requires contact with bodily fluids. There's a big difference there, and that's why the government requires reporting of TB patients and not HIV positive patients. That's sound public policy, not "political correctness" run amok.
As Jews we've benefited from "Political Correctness". It is now socially unacceptable to be anti-Semitic -- or at least express these feelings in public. Attacking the tolerant society for tolerating other minorities is a case of biting the hand that had fed us.
(21) Andy, January 22, 2008 12:02 PM
buy the kid a carton of cigarettes and a box of condems+ some not so pc words re abortion
"psychological trauma after abortion is "rare,"
I guess that depends on the def of trauma. For many having the baby may be the greater trauma,yet secular society has not yet been able to quell the feeling[yaitzer tov?]that in many situations having an abortion may not be moral, and may be a selfish choice. It is not a secret that loving parents are anxiously waiting to adopt.To give birth and allow one's child to be raised by others may be more traumatic to live with[at least initially] than the decision to abort, but easier does not make it right.
A sad state of affairs when people think they need a shrink to quit smoking and that unprotected and/or casual sex is not a problem.
(20) david, January 21, 2008 5:00 PM
Throw out your TV
Throw out your TV, Madeline. It just a tool that decadent Hollywood uses to brainwash your children.
(19) Madeline, January 21, 2008 10:51 AM
own experience
My own experience as a young adult ( many years ago) attests to this sad way we view issues around sexuality at all- I was not prepared for the emotional, mental and spiritual issues surrounding becoming sexually active as a young teen, I was not prepared for any physical consequences of my actions - ( a little educated, but not really knowledgable) , and I was not prepared at all for any psychological repurcssuions as I became a mother years later! The movement today to be 'more free' in all areas of sexual expression, is not dissimilar to the 'free love' movement of my youth- just lots more discussions/ openess etc about alternative lifestyles with very few adults stepping up to be true guides in morality, long term issue and results of choices our young are making today. As a young teen and developing adult I made choices that left me spritually, emotionally and physically damaged and there was no one to talk about this with...not really... I did have an abortion in my early 20's, and although I stand by my choice, it did not come without consequences that resonate today- and I clearly remeber the 'nurse' that was in recovery with me after saying, as I cried for the loss and choice I made- " well nothing to be upset about- you made your choice"- This incident happened over 30 years ago, I can still see her face, and hear her harsh voice-
Had I been truly guided, and told all the facts before I was 'free' to do things I was unprepared to handle - I perhaps might have not gotten pregnant, and not been forced to choose abortion, etc.....
Today, as a mother of a 12 year old girl, I fear for what she sees on tv, through her music and with her peers-
I am very glad that I am not the quiet, do not talk about it all type of mom- but I can only offer her my experiences, my guidance and support- and hope she will not subcumb to the peer/other adult pressure all around her- I hope that she (and so far she has) continues to make choices that support her spirit and sould...
Madi
(18) Aline, January 21, 2008 8:55 AM
for highschoolers too!
This is a much needed article, and, hopefully, a good book by Dr. Grossman too. I will certainly buy it.
This situation is even worth in high school. The HS my son goes to, teaches sex-ed under the name of "health-ed" without bothering to get parents' permission. Not only that, but the teacher is totally inept. She cinically provides students with ridiculously fake statistics about protection, rape, etc. (we verified later, using good published sources). The concept of abstinence is treated as a joke ("how can we expect any self-control from you, hormone-stuffed young stallions, wink-wink?"). At the same time, it is somehow insinuated, that parents demand abstinence as a way to tighten control of their offspring. Then, also, right at the front entrance to the school, and in other highly visible places, there are ads for GLFC (Gay and Lesbian Friends Club, wide open to minors under 18!), and participation is encouraged and hailed as a "novel experience", as well as a "declaration of tolerance".
Now, I am describing a rather highly rated (academically) HS in an affluent neighborhood, which is also predominantly Jewish...
Why are we trying so hard to spoil our precious youth and to destroy our own society?
Anonymous, July 25, 2011 2:30 PM
Umm...so why do you send your son there?
Anonymous, October 31, 2011 8:47 AM
GLFC
While i do understand where your coming from, you have absolutely no idea what a gay teenager goes through in high school. These are students and kids just like every other child but they often go through trauma in high school and horrific bullying purely because of who and what they are. Any movement to help them find peace and happiness with themselves should be lauded and praised. Or would you rather have more teen suicides on our hands because of the intense bullying going on?
(17) ross rhoads, January 21, 2008 8:49 AM
thank you so practical, true and commend you for the connection of self respect and the relationship between body and soul...good health is in hightened self interest..I would think that for a culture self focused this would be a plus thanks for courage
(16) richard reiser, January 21, 2008 8:25 AM
The politically correct culture exists only because we allow it.
An excellent article. The question is why do we allow political correctness to be the only viable and dominant option on campus.Our country in general and our college campuses should promote the free exchange of constructive ideas. Sadly,it is not the case. As taxpayers and the primary source of tuition payments, we should demand a more responsible and healthy environment for our children.
(15) suzy, January 21, 2008 1:56 AM
yep
very sad but true, people need to recognize the consequences of their actions, and try to protect themselves and others.
In regards to abortions, unfortunately many are not aware of the sorrow that comes afterwards. It comes because they know that there was a person inside them, especially if they were like 5 months pregnant or something.
(14) Annette, January 20, 2008 10:31 PM
What a Fantastic article
It's great when there is no sugar coating on the point of the article (which was not intended to get into details the councelling given to Brian or anyone else).Well done. The message is clear. And, G-d IS Good for Us.
(13) Anonymous, January 20, 2008 5:44 PM
10,000 in 1.3 million IS RARE!
That's .769 percent, less than 1 percent is rare by all conventional standards. I've heard of people having extreme reactions to dental procedures... Do we stop filling cavities on this account?
Perhaps if these women weren't constantly told they were evil murderers the percentage suffering from PTSD would be lower still.
(12) G. Berry, January 20, 2008 5:35 PM
relative moralism: why we need the Torah
Yosef, your comments are very disturbing, because it has nothing to do with loathing gay people. Brian is guilty of attempted murder, because he is possibly willfully and deceitfully infecting others with a fatal disease without their knowledge. There are few things less moral than that, and anyone who would not be similarly distressed and appalled would not only be amiss, but as guilty as the perpetrator himself, who has utter disrespect and disregard not only for himself, but for anyone who crosses his very dangerous path.
(11) ruth housman, January 20, 2008 3:25 PM
ethical borderlines
I found this to be a provocative and interesting article.
It does seem that life for us all is rife with ethical issues. In the case of Brian, I can understand the concern about the transmission of AIDS, a truly deadly virus. It seems the best we can do is educate as best we can. It's not possible to prevent people from being promiscuous or from the absence of adequate protective care. On the other hand, the concerns are genuine and it is one of those borderline issues protected by the sanctity of the doctor patient relationship. I don't think, as indicated in some responses to this article, that there is any reason to believe the author loathes people who don't share her values. Now the use of "loathes" is truly loaded and going too far to the extreme.
Life is filled with ethical dilemmas and it is a good idea to air them and to think about them. If we don't do this, we run into bipolar patterns of thinking. It's not always easy to determine just how to act in such circumstances but weighting the issues is truly what I believe we need to be doing, all the time, in dialogue.
(10) Judah, January 20, 2008 2:54 PM
I was raised by liberal, non-observant parents and attended one of these Ivy league universities. Given the agenda of the people that run these universities, I am surprised that Dr. Grossman is even allowed to speak there. I can say first hand that the destructive nature of college and high school promiscuity has devestating effects on mental health and the ability to form healthy marriages. I am now 25, and I don't have a single close friend who has gotten married. I believe this is primarily due to a complete lack of experience and knowledge in how to conduct a respectful, loving relationship, and the tremendous distrust that now exists between men and women primarily due to the breakdown of sexual ethics. Among my generation, the most prominent emotion directed at people of the opposite sex is sadly one of hate and anger. To be promiscuous, you have to become hardened to the emotion and compassion that should exist between the sexes. Young people today, both men and women, pretend to revel in their independence and ability to jump from one conquest to the next. The reality I see however, is that these people, myself included, suffer from a deep disappointment, despair, and lonliness which will only get worse with age. Without marriage, family or morality, life is nothing more than and endless race on a hampster wheel.
(9) U. Acosta, M.A., January 20, 2008 1:58 PM
Well done and well said!
Thank you, we need more clinicians like you, full of conviction, faith and courage to challenge the political correctness our children face daily in our schools and colleges.
(8) Yosef, January 20, 2008 1:54 PM
How could she stop his self loathing when she secretly loathes people who don't share her values?
She should not be allowed to treat gay patients. She is obviously prejudiced against them due to her religious beliefs. It states in the article Grossman believes the promiscuous lifestyle is what causes anxiety and depression. Speaking as someone who has been there, it is the anxiety and the depression which causes the promiscuity. She should have informed Brian his behavior reflects self-loathing and to say he is a person of value. As a psychiatrist she should explore where his behavior comes from and reassure him he has worth by reframing his negative thinking about himself. But it seems Dr. Grossman would rather make judgments. How could she stop his self loathing when she secretly loathes people who don't share her values?
(7) Chaya, January 20, 2008 1:39 PM
Thank you
Thank you, Dr. Grossman!! I will have this article sent to myself so I can send it where I believe it will be needed in the future!
(6) Anonymous, January 20, 2008 1:31 PM
enshrines the body and abandons the soul
That expression "enshrines the body and abandons the soul" captures the problem with our modern culture. Not following the rules that G-d provides leads down destructive paths. Solomon had it right, then and now.
(5) Mark Douglas Obenour, January 20, 2008 1:15 PM
Death, Still has a sting!
I can remember a young lady that confessed to my ex-wife about her abortion and how she should have had the courage to give the baby up for adoption the way my ex had. This beautiful woman was going to be beside herself forever in this life for murdering an innocent. As a retired Paramedic with 28 years of experience I would encourage any woman to Choose Life as the Bible says. It is better to adopt out the baby than to kill it.
May Hashem bless you with the courage to overcome your obstacles and the blessings you need to survive this trial. If you are a woman who finds yourself in this predicament, I sincerely hope you will "Choose Life" for you and your baby. Medicine teaches us to "Do No Harm".
Please Choose Life, It's the choice with the least regrets. Hashem put those words in the Bible for a reason.
May Hashem bless you all with the courage to do what is right. Amen
(4) Tuvia Schertzman,MD, January 20, 2008 11:40 AM
Baruch Hashem
Every time I see an article like this, I thank hashem that we made aliyah when my children were small. I cannot believe that parents actually let their children move in such dangerous environments. They are guilty of child abuse. In our religious neighborhood children are protected and cared for. Such issues are rare or non existant.
(3) Sarah, January 20, 2008 10:04 AM
Clear voice..
A"clear voice in the wilderness." May
it be heard by all who need to hear the
truth.
(2) Elissa Grunwald, January 20, 2008 9:52 AM
We need more Dr.s like you
Parents need to be educated to prepare their children for the reality of life.
Too often these issues you mentioned in this great article are ignored and parents hold their breath and shut their eyes to the reality. Is it better to keep our children naive or discuss with them what happens with others in school? Ask about their friends and what they are doing starting in 1st grade and make it a habit, constantly reinforce positive values and self-esteem. I hear all too often, "Not my Saraleh!" Well, Children who have not had the opportunity to know what they will encounter in their High School and College world are in danger. Speak about peer pressure, what may happen and about consequenses to behavior. Ask about what they know about and how their friends are managing and their thoughts about the world around them. The current social value system is all about immediate pleasure. Impulsive behavior. What are the stars doing? Who is sleeping with who? Do our children have any idea about STD'S....I'll tell you no. They do not know about the long term consequenses of "recreational" drug use and sexual freedom. The long term effect of abortion on the mental health of jewish women who believe they commited murder and are going to be punished and say years later in therapy, "if someone ever spoke with me about this before I got the abortion I never would have done it, no matter what the social consequences may have been". When Moshe Rabbeinu was in Mitzrayim and Yoseph too it was said that they always remained faithful to their jewish ways, teach these ways! Teach self respect. Teach them Torah and provide an opportunity to let them educate you their parents about your children's ever changing world. We may no longer be able to sing the National Anthem in the schools because the word G-d may offend people, but we as a people have the blue prints on how we can live a healthy life and we must instill these values and explore the "norms" of others before we pack up the trunks and send our children off.
Then we pray. EG
(1) Christina, January 20, 2008 8:31 AM
I thank you for featuring an article that promotes the truth about abortion/lifestyle choices/sexual freedom etc...and all the incumbent dangers of our current social attitudes.