It was a few minutes past 9 p.m. Brooklyn temperature, around 18 degrees Fahrenheit.
My arctic hands were occupied with eight or nine plastic shopping bags from Shop-Rite, so opening my front door was a bit of a feat. Transferring my purchases skillfully to one hand (without a breaking a single egg or the jar of half-sours), I removed my gloves with my teeth and began pushing the buttons of my combination lock.
Right on cue, my cell phone rang. Penn and Teller would have had a hard time answering it. Not being Penn or Teller, I answered it.
"Yaakov?" the voice began."Yes," I managed.
"Yaakov Salomon…my, my... how is it going?"
"Great. What's happening with you?" I asked.
('Great' was a bit of an overstatement at that exact freezing second-- especially since I thought I heard one of the eggs crack on the threshold.)
"Terrific. Good to hear," replied the voice. "Hey! I'm not interrupting anything important am I?""No, no, not at all," I reassured automatically.
The exchange was just at the cusp of getting awkward -- mainly because I had not recognized the caller's voice, and we had already reached that critical moment when we were too deep in for me to ask who it was I was talking to.
"So," he continued, "tell me what you've been up to lately?"
I was getting annoyed. Not only was I speaking to an unidentified individual, but after 20 seconds of talking I still had no idea what he wanted from me! Was this a solicitation? An invitation? An investigation? A request for information? My thoughts hollered in silence, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
It took about another two full minutes of pointless banter for me to realize that this call was truly about nothing -- the Seinfeld call. Just like Seinfeld was a show "about nothing," this was a phone call "about nothing." Turns out it was an old friend who I hadn't seen in a while. He was calling just to "catch up." It was neither a declaration nor a justification. It was just a conversation.
But for me it was a fascination. I am old enough to remember when people made these Seinfeld calls all the time. Friends even visited each other in person FOR NO SPECIFIC PURPOSE! They just "chewed the fat, shot the breeze, and wiled away the time."
I realize that if you are under 37 years old and reading this, you have strong suspicions that Salomon is either lying or delusional. "Why would anyone in his right mind waste precious time by calling or visiting someone without a need or function or, perhaps, remuneration? Did people REALLY do that? WHY?"
Yes, people actually made phone calls and rang door bells just to shmooze. But it has been become, sadly, a lost art. With the advent of countless, incredible time-saving devices and the pressure of making EVERY SECOND COUNT, purposeless, pointless, non-meaningful encounters have gone the way of the passe cassette tape. It is no longer fashionable, no; it's not even acceptable to "waste" any time at all.
The truth is, of course, that the time was not really "wasted" at all. It was utilized to connect with each other in a natural and spontaneous way. I miss those days. Life was slower, less pressured, less harried, and maybe even more meaningful.
When was the last time you really had someone's full attention?
I say more meaningful because along with our obsession for being at maximum productivity level at all times, we have lost the precious subtleties of patience, listening, eye contact, interacting, and just thinking. It is quite a price to pay.
When was the last time you really had someone's full attention? Statistics tell us that if you are speaking to someone on the phone today, only 12% of the persons on the other end of the line are doing nothing else while speaking to you. Okay, I made up the number, but if someone had done a study I bet the number would be even smaller than that!
Admit it. Most of us while we are on the phone are either surfing the web, driving, cooking, checking our email, watching TV (with or without the sound), sending a text message (yes, it can be done while you are talking on the very same phone), making a "To Do" list, shaving, playing solitaire or Tetris, putting on mascara, sifting through the junk mail, micro-waving a broccoli quiche, balancing a checkbook, or napping (difficult, but not impossible -- try it). Indeed, it may be time to create a new self-help group -- M.A. -- Multi-taskers Anonymous.
Sure, it is wonderful to be more productive. No one wants to give up accomplishment. We all want to make the most of our time. The problem is that we have become addicted to it. We simply cannot tolerate those moments when multi-tasking is impossible, unavailable, or inconvenient. Just try going somewhere without your cell phone or your Blackberry. Or worse, try going somewhere alone, without your laptop or cell phone. Guaranteed to drive you insane.
A friend of mine recently attended a wedding where he hardly knew anyone. Thank God, he had one acquaintance who was sitting next to him. Suddenly, the man announced that he had to leave the wedding early. And, horror of horrors, my friend had forgotten his cell phone at home! The man left the wedding and my friend was left alone. As he described it to me the next day, "I was left alone…with just my thoughts. It was very, very uncomfortable."
We have replaced contemplation with implementation.
What has happened is that we have replaced contemplation with implementation. We don't really think, we just do…and do…and do some more. We get so hung up on how much we've done and how efficient we can be, that there is no time or place left for reflecting on why we do things or whether the things we do are really meaningful or important or serve our larger purpose on this world. We need to carve out some time without any other agenda except to think. How utterly frightening!
But what are we really afraid of? Why does the thought of just thinking really terrify us so much?
There are numerous possibilities. Many of us may fear that thinking will force us to find out how terrified we truly are of failure, of disappointment, of pain, of change, of losing loved ones, of sickness, of losing our minds, of our own mortality, of apocalypse. It is the fear of confronting our fears. And the only way to keep really safe is by keeping our minds insanely busy.
Another reason thinking is dangerous is because we may find ourselves confronting the meaning of life and troubling questions like:
Am I fulfilling my purpose here? Do my decisions really reflect my values in life? What are my true values? Do I know my priorities? What do I really care about?
So many of us live in a bubble of denial. It's just safer…more comfortable. And all the multi-tasking we do insulates that bubble and keeps us from facing the really tough questions that life sends our way.
But change can only occur gradually. Every once in a while -- not necessarily every day, maybe every week or just once a month -- we need to sit alone, without distractions, and think about who we are and what we want to accomplish.
The entire session of solitude should probably last for no more than five minutes. That's it. Believe me, five minutes can be a very long time.
But five minutes a week without a cell phone, a sudoka book, a mouse, or even a pen, will change your life.
And that's part of the genius of Shabbat. It is a great opportunity for reflection, a time designated for contemplation -- no cell phones, computers, and TV. With the outside world relegated to persona non grata status, we can ponder and meditate free of the distractions that poison our capacity to reflect. And if the full 25 hours seem a bit daunting, perhaps Friday Night could be a great place to start.
Don't be afraid.
Stop doing.
Just start thinking.
(14) Joe Gall, August 28, 2015 12:03 PM
Excellent !
Gets to the heart of, and reveals, the current social pattern! Gets you thinking!
(13) Shira, March 18, 2008 2:17 PM
Call G-D Is Waiting....
Great article. I agree 100 percent. Thank you, for the thought. I once heard that when call waiting first came out, that it could only be sold in America. That the people in England claimed originally it was rude and refused to buy it. We see such a difference in people just in how they pick up or not pick up there call waiting. Regardless of how busy they are.. Today having children and working to support a family has become a reason to load up with all kinds of needless things. 24/7. Even Rabbis have complained they dont want voice mails in their houses. I agree. Knocking on someone door, to visit has become like ancient history. Since we have the phone to save us the trip of giving advice for example, to people eye to eye. Modern things dont replace everything.In fact they are way inferior in many ways. Actually the good old fashion letter is still so much appreciated. I could live without my cell or computer.. however my new ipod.. which I had no clue was addictive, and has to be charged every day, I am powerless to.. yet it is great for walking instead of sitting at the computer. I do think these things have to be custom to the person. Everyone knows in their heart exactly what they need and dont need. If they take the time to think about it, like you said. The message is in how hard their own heart pounds when the cell phone breaks or is losted. Whenever the computer crashes etc.. It if is abused beyond there control they should be jumping for joy? No?
(12) Lea, March 18, 2008 8:54 AM
Time the greatest gift of all
I LOVE this article. This certainly reminds me of times long ago when we had TIME to connect to people and live and enjoy TIME.
(11) Anthony Jakwonga, March 18, 2008 4:28 AM
Very good and inspiring article
This article is very meditative,inspiring and very encouraging. Please continue with the same spirit.
(10) MARCIA, March 17, 2008 3:21 PM
loved this
I do remember the days of just "visiting". I miss it too. I am probably one a million, that can really live without the tv, or my cell phone, which I almost never use, and the computer at home. At work it is essential but at home, I just love the peace and quiet. Most people think I am crazy. I am in my mid forties, and I really could say goodbye to our constant technology and go back to the old ways. Life seemed to make much more sense, and we seemed to see God everywhere, instead of wondering where He is now, and where does He fit in? Thanks for telling me, I am not crazy!
(9) Beverly Kurtin, March 17, 2008 10:17 AM
Channel KOFF
Thanks, Rabbi, I am still laughing at the times that people have come over and got an odd look on their faces. It sometimes took them ten minutes before they realized that our TV was off. “Do you want to turn your TV on?â€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> they ask, really meaning “I can’t stand the silence!â€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d>
We, my sister and adult niece with whom I live, can’t stand the thing. We were brought up before TV (yes, there WAS a time before the TV). We would “watchâ€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> the radio for a couple of dramas (wasn’t the Lux Theater of the Air just great?) and then we’d turn it off. We did not have the constant droning of the radio on all day.
As I write these lines, my set is on my favorite “station.â€NSM_BADCHAR=<0x9d> K-OFF. I can think clearly enough to craft each word and make sure that the spelling is correct. As soon as I finish, I will turn off my computer and read a book for awhile…in relative quiet. The only distractions are the birds singing and insects burring away. Nice distractions, but distractions nonetheless.
Better yet, I’ll take a much needed nap.
Shalom!
(8) Anonymous, March 17, 2008 9:30 AM
The Seinfeld Call
Dear Rabbi Salomon,
I enjoyed your article: Indeed, I many times have found myself, when lights are off, with no immediate meaning for my minutes and hours on the dark, with no TV nor computer!
But your reminding us of Shabbat silence is so essential for our lives, that I anticipate next Shabbat, although I miss so much Aish-HaTorah articles during the rest! I will send your article to my daughter and son-in-law...they will also enjoy and perhaps keep their "devices" a little silent... and listen to my words!
Shalom!
(7) raye, March 16, 2008 11:51 AM
"the power of nothingness"
I don't remember the author's name. However, every time my computer goes on strike and suddenly refuses to connect me to my email, it knows that I use it in sufferance (whatever that means) and I call my internet provider and stay on the phone for hours until things get straightened out by themselves anyway.
(6) Ruth Housman, March 16, 2008 11:19 AM
on the "WEB"
First, I want to say how much truth and beauty there is in this piece. We all do this now that we have the technology that gives us instant connect around the world, and yet, this shields us too, from the personal. There is nothing like the human voice. My friends are telling me I spend much too much time connecting by email, and yet, for me, in some ways, this is the only viable way I can keep in touch with so many very important, dear people in my life. It is a very big dilemma. The "WEB" has given us the immediacy of bridging distances and yet, it has brought us distancing, a pulling away from the handshake, the warmth and tenderness of truly being in the moment with our friends.
Life is so filled with painful paradox. You have written so poignantly about something very deep to me. You are right and yet, you are wrong. I manage to write letters so quickly to human rights organizations and to wildlife organizations whenever I am requested to do so. I cannot do this easily with pen, ink and stamps. And yet I also do write longhand letters. I am having great difficulty keeping up with compassion. I realize the difficulties and truths of what you are saying.
In all things in life, we must strive for balance. And balance itself, the very word, has within, the notion of ball, that is for give and take and also bal, in French, the dance. We all need to keep these things in mind. All of us need to juggle time much better and there is nothing like Shabbat to remind us of this deep need to take time to smell the roses.
With thanks, Ruth
(5) Miriam, March 16, 2008 10:23 AM
beauty of Shabbat
as I was reading this article, I thought why doesn't he mention Shabbat? And then of course I realized that it is the point of the article. We need Shabbat today more than ever. I would like to just make one comment. There are a lot of Jews who keep Shabbat and appreciate it, but make their Shabbat so busy that they do not take the time to meditate, reflect, think, take the time to be alone or even with individual family members. It is usually the wife and mother, who invites so many people for Shabbat meals that she is exhausted from cooking and entertaining, too busy to even try to take a nap on Shabbat. I believe that "hachnasat orchim" is important, but it is not more important than having true time for yourself and your family. If you have so much company that you are never alone or not even alone with your own spouse and children, then I think that is much too much. Alot of women think they have to outdo themselves with Shabbat guests. I think that it is important for people think about this.
(4) Galia Berry, March 16, 2008 9:05 AM
Relating to One Another
One of the biggest culture shocks I had upon returning to the US after living several years in Israel with my young family, is that children actually had to make appointments to play with one another, as did adults to visit one another on Shabbos. In Israel, if someone stopped by at an inconvenient time, it was no big deal to tell the person that another time would be better - no offense was taken. Here, you must call in advance and say, "My Sarah would like to play with your Rivka - is there a time we could come to play on Tuesday?" The only problem with this is that with little kids, they may not be in the mood to play at a certain time several days later. I so prefer the spontaneity of Israel!
As people rely more and more on quickie emails and Facebook to communicate, we retreat further and further into ourselves and further stunt meaningful personal interaction and social skills. The other day I saw grandchildren communicating with their grandparents via webcam, much to the coos of "isn't this wonderful?" While such technology is useful to maintain contact, it has a very dark side: it means that people feel the need to visit less often in person, and it means that people don't feel compelled to try to live in proximity to their close relatives. While it's not always possible to live in the same general area, there is less reluctance to stay close to family when we have electronic crutches on which to rely.
(3) ross, March 16, 2008 8:05 AM
Thinking about what we've learned
Even when we are inspired to grow, we go to class after class (which is great if we have time), but don't spend any time thinking about them afterwards. I used to commute far and listen to tape after tape in my car, one right after another, and once, when I ran out of tapes, I felt guilty that I would be wasting time listening to other things. So I decided to not turn on the news, and just think about the last shiur I heard and review it. What a difference! I realized I was wasting more time popping in the tapes and not even thinking about them after! So now I listen to one, then the next trip is review to myself. Then it sinks in! Now THAT'S something to...(oops...that's your line.)
(2) a Jew, March 16, 2008 4:40 AM
incredible experience
Inspired by Rav Ezriel Tauber's (truly) awesome book "Thoughts for a Jewish Heart" I decided to stop following the news. Yep, no news websites, newspapers, emails, or asking friends or relatives etc. The real deal! And I live in Israel, where one might feel more reason than most places to keep up with the news. After all something 'might' (what??) happen! After, about three weeks of no news chasing I now really have almost no idea what is "going on". And you know what, it is kind of nice, kind of peaceful. This has helped me really appreciate that where I live baruch Hashem life is really good. This was something I didn't really notice before as I was too preoccupied with the troubles of elsewhere to notice the beauty and goodness around me. I think this is because in general the news has been very distorted towards 'bad' things. To be blunt news = negativity. I think living without unnecessary negativity must be a good thing right?!And after all did I _really_ need to know what went on in farflung corners of the world?! And even in my own country and town, is it really essential I know what is going on?! In my entire life I can't recall a single piece of news that really affected a single decision I made so I think I have not actually lost out one tiny bit. It's been a tranquil time-saver! Nor is it isolating oneself from the Jewish people – one can still pray and say tehillim etc for Klal Israel. And on the really positive side I have felt more connected to Hashem and felt more faith and trust in Hashem. Doing an internet search I noticed a link which said something about the Palestinian Arabs and it just felt such an irrelevant subject – after all Hashem does run the world and given that many other peoples have disappeared we can see that He has taken excellent care of His people the last few thousand years. So here is the real news: Hashem is looking after us – we have nothing really to worry about. Why not try nonews chasing – even just as a crazy experiment! At the least it'll give you an interesting thing to talk about with your friends and at best it could be a major upgrade in the quality of your life.
(1) Shmuel, March 16, 2008 4:33 AM
Thank You, Rabbi
Your words are so true.
Two hundred years ago, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov recommended spending one hour a day alone in conversation with Hashem. And in today's cell-phone era- his words "ring" truer than ever.