I never thought of my family as large, at least not until our recent day trip in Amsterdam. In a country where the average non-immigrant family has about .68 children, a family with three is a sensation!
It all started in the airport when the airline representative told us that they would do everything they could to help us with our seating on the next leg of our trip to Israel. "We have much respect for very large families here," she explained.
Very large families? We only have three children! But hey, we'll take any respect we can get, especially when it means that airline employees personally escort you to the front of long lines. Once in Amsterdam, people were literally taking pictures of us in the streets. I finally had to put my foot down when people tried to pet the children. We're just a normal family with three children, not Octomom & Co.!
But the truth is that traveling with three children has its challenges, especially when you take a ten hour stopover into account. First, there's the praying that some other baby on the flight should be crying louder than yours. Then there is the endless procession of snacks and games you ply the children with to keep them quiet, but after not sleeping in a bed for 28 hours, reason and logic don't hold much sway on them anymore.
He thinks children are too much work. After being stuck behind mine for a few hours, I couldn't really blame him.
On the last of the four flights that made up our Passover traveling experience, things had finally quieted down, and I was hoping to catch a few precious zzzz's. Then the man in the row behind me started talking to me from between the seats. First he told me that he doesn't know if he wants to have any children, they're too much work. After being stuck behind mine for a few hours, I couldn't really blame him. Then he told me that he has been holding off on marriage as well because it's too much responsibility. Finally he told me that he noticed we were served kosher meals, and that he was Jewish too. He used to eat kosher, he continued, but it just got too expensive so he gave it up.
I was tired and worn out, but something caught my mind -- a pattern that was emerging. No kids -- too much work. No marriage -- too much responsibility. No kosher --too much money. This fellow seemed reluctant to expend too much effort or resources on anything!
Unfortunately, he is not alone; his perspective is shared by millions across the globe. It partially accounts for the rapidly shrinking birth rate in developing countries, the rising proportion of people who choose never to marry, the rising divorce rate, and the downward trends in volunteerism that proceeded the current recession.
A recent Newsweek article entitled, "Slouching into Fatherhood," highlights this idea. The subtitle boldly stated: "I thought being a dad would come easily to me. But soon after my son's birth, I was looking for a way out." Here is an excerpt from the article:
"When a child was added to my life, it was as if something enormous and coveted was subtracted in return, and the transaction left me reeling, like someone who'd just gambled away his soul. I fell into a well of depression so deep I wasn't even aware of it... Our marriage took a fatal hit...One day, I sat on the hardwood floor next to my son, both of us exhausted. My son started crying. Then I did, too. Actually, we bawled. I don't know why he was crying, but I was mourning the loss of my life as I knew it."
The article does have an uptick at the end, but the author was describing exactly what the man sitting one row behind me probably would feel if he had a baby -- it's too much.
One of the marks of today's society is avoiding pain at all costs. People will avoid discussing something important with their spouse because it will lead to a difficult conversation. Many people take prescription drugs for a few weeks after a relative dies instead of experiencing true grieving. People push off marriage, children, religious choices, career choices, and more because it will upset the careful equilibrium they have worked so hard to set. But is the goal of life not to experience pain?
People often make the mistake thinking that the opposite of pain is pleasure.
Rabbi Noah Weinberg, of blessed memory, a man with exceptional insight into human psychology, had a very different perspective on pain. He would say that people often make the mistake thinking that the opposite of pain is pleasure. The opposite of pain is no pain, comfort. Equating comfort with pleasure is decadence. All true pleasure comes from personal accomplishment, and that is only reached through challenging experiences. Accomplishment takes effort, diligence, pain, vulnerability and hard work, but the resulting pleasure is exponentially greater than comfort.
Living spouse-free and child-free can give a person comfort and ease, but not pleasure. Let's look at marriage. Anyone can be a good spouse on the days that everything is going just perfectly. No one bothers you at the office. The sky is clear and blue, the temperature hovering around 72 degrees. When you arrive home from work your spouse is waiting for you, looking their best, with a tall glass of ice tea, the newspaper, and a plate of fresh homemade cookies. The house is spotless, your favorite dinner is cooking in the oven, and the children are seated around the dining room table quietly doing their homework. Being a good spouse in that scenario is not where you earn your stripes.
It's when everything is going wrong at the office, the weather is nasty, and you come home tired and hungry to a noisy, messy house, a frazzled spouse, and nothing in the oven, that you get the chance to be all you can be. People who get married for the highs, for Scenario #1, will surely be quite disappointed when they get scenario #2, and often get out of the marriage faster than you can say alimony.
But people who go into marriage expecting Scenario #2, welcoming #2 because it will give them an opportunity to grow and develop into better people, are not fazed by #2, and are overjoyed and thankful when they encounter #1.
"According to the effort is the reward."
The same goes for any other meaningful endeavor. If we approach situations looking for comfort, ease, and convenience, we will usually be disappointed as those rosy benefits inevitably fade, and we would probably be better desisting from entering the relationship in the first place. But if we enter a relationship looking for what we can give, how we can push ourselves, and how we can grow, we will discover that those relationships bring immeasurable joy.
This idea is outlined in Ethics of Our Father. "Ben Heh-Heh used to say: According to the effort is the reward" (Ethics 5:22). The modern equivalent of this dictum would be, "No pain, no gain." If we don't challenge ourselves, if we stay away from any situation which will bring difficulties with it, we won't have to expend "too much" effort, but we won't reap too much reward either. Looking forward to the challenging moments in life seems to work much better than constantly trying to avoid them.
Take two challenges and call me in the morning!
(24) Mike, January 8, 2013 5:29 AM
One self-righteous rant calls for another some days...
Rabbi Burnham, I choose to stay childfree and single because I like coming home to zero nagging and nothing unpredictable. This does not make me lazy, it makes me wise. I know divorced men who are paying alimony and child support until death do they part. I see knuckleheads getting their girlfriends pregnant, getting married and running up mountains of debt in their teens and early twenties, destroying their lives and the country's credit rating. Half the people I work with have kids and are collecting benefits from the government. My job pays next to nothing, but I am good at it, and I am working hard doing something I enjoy. If I had kids, I'd be in severe trouble with my income. I simply thank my lucky stars I can find decent work with my education level. There is no problem with human reproduction being in decline, we are already way too overpopulated with regards to resource. Most human beings contribute little and leave little behind when they die, other than a mountain of waste and an ugly corpse. You can take the feeble stance that I am lazy, I can take the dignified stance that I am idealistic and free. I don't commit the selfish atrocity of bringing a life into a world increasingly hostile and chaotic as people fight over oil. I don't contribute further to overpopulation and shrinkage of rescource. I don't spend money I don't have on people I can't support or things I don't need. I come from a long line of people who had too many kids, too little dedication and too little empathy. They were only PART of why I chose this path resolutely. I own a house I worked all my life for. I live alone because I enjoy privacy and quiet. I have most of what I want and need, a wife and kid won't complete anything for me. My position in life is affordable and simplistic, with a hopeful future I have made reasonable and low-risk plans for. I don't have any dependents but me, and I have sacrificed and compromised enough that I don't need to give myself MORE hard work.
(23) Anonymous, August 13, 2012 8:09 PM
As a mother of 8, I can't imagine a greater blessing.
Well, yes, I could imagine that the coming of Moshiach would possibly be a greater blessing! The healing of all ills, etc. Large family = hard work? You bet! Satisfaction? You bet! Not for everyone? Of course! Everyone has different challenges, and no one should judge another one's choices. But it is clear to me that I was influenced by my surrounding culture (in Israel at the time) to have a large family, and I'm eternally grateful for that. I see what others are missing, and I'm sorry for them. And don't think I haven't had plenty of serious challenges, because I have. Still wouldn't trade my lot with anyone.
(22) merlind, January 25, 2011 10:55 PM
smart to consider the responsibility in advance
In a world that cannot afford more people it is a thoughtful act to consciously decide to abstain from having kids.
(21) Rox, June 7, 2009 9:40 AM
Drama?
I agree with "Sarah". I don't get this at all. I don't mean to be disrespectful, I love Judaism and it's certainly the way to go. However, isn't the choice for the #2 scenario based on a desire for adventure? If you choose to deal with the #2 scene, doesn't this make for a drama queen or drama king? You choose to have three kids....then please don't complain about how hard it is. You choose the rocky marriage over someone who isn't into bickering all that much, or even stayiung single...so please don't take it out on your coworkers, your friends, your kids, your other relatives. or maybe people should choose to marry abusive, irresponsible, immature spouses because we'll get "more reward" for straightening them out (Gd forbid)! I am single and childfree and could not even begin to number the hundreds of complaints (I could charge by the hour!) I get from people who choose to have multiple children, sometimes that they can't even afford to take care of themselves, about their kids, their sposes, their stressful lives and how tired they are. People who choose "less" (and that's in quotes because it's debatable) in their lives also may be dealing with past or present issues that gives them no room in their heads to deal with the constant drama of dealing with others.....and, besides...EVERYONE that doesn't choose marriage and kids doesn't do volunteer work?? I'm not saying large families are bad and people should not have them...please DO remember, however, that a choice is a choice. Choose drama and you'll get drama, G-d usually hands out drama in spades even to those who don't ask for it. I just continue to pray every moment that He does not bring me to tests.
(20) Ande, May 28, 2009 3:38 AM
Thanks I needed that!
As my family goes through difficult financial times after making aliyah I need to remind myself of what you are saying. In fact your point can be applied to the enitre aliyah experience.
(19) Leah Rachel, May 27, 2009 9:04 PM
Kids are a true blessing
As the mother of four, I had to chuckle. Many of my friends, I live in a secular community, are amzed at our choice to have 4 kids. I always respond that they are a true blessing. This piece truly sums up the truth that it is worth the effort that you put in. When my oldest comforts my youngest when I am busy with six things at the same time, I know that the hard work is paying off. The delayed gratification is worth all of the hard work!
(18) Esther, May 27, 2009 4:10 PM
"The reward is in proportion to the exertion."
The famous second century CE Israeli Rabbi Hei Hei said it best (in Pirkei Avot): "The reward is in proportion to the exertion." He was talking about Torah study, but his observation seems equally true for all facets of life.
(17) BJ, May 27, 2009 11:52 AM
No effort, no payoff
Life is no harder today than it ever was, I think. In fact, we have many labor saving devices and financial safety nets that were not available a hundred years ago. Perhaps that is why so many people think that life should be easy, no effort should be required. I know that when I expend effort, I always gain, pleasure, satisfaction, a sense of well-being. When I have "nothing" to do, I don't get these rewards. As an empty-nester and grandmother with disabilities, it is often hard for me to do all I wish I could do, but I do what I can and feel successful as a result. I think Hashem wants us to use our abilities for the good of others. The effort is always worth it.
(16) shoshi, May 27, 2009 10:46 AM
hey that's a weird story! I live in Amsterdam and there are quite a few large families there, near the airport, and I've never noticed anyone taking pictures of 'large' families, only of windmills and canals. sorry to burst your bubble...!
(15) Akiva Bookman, May 26, 2009 10:21 PM
GREAT PIECE
VERY INSPIRING AND SO WELL WRITTEN. THANKS AKIVA
(14) Leah, May 26, 2009 4:30 PM
what an amazing article
NO Pain No Gain is the motto! My equilibrium of life changed drastically a few weeks ago when my husbands son came to live with us -a troubled pre-teen from a really crazy "home". We are all effected by it- my own kids, my husband and myself. eventhough this is what we always wanted- to save this child and bring him up in a healthy environment... yet it's hard every step of the way- so much effort and self sacrifice - but the motto of "no pain no gain' walks me through it.. and when we do see an improvement a spark of light in his behavior we are so excited... it's all about giving and giving because giving generates love like nothing else can accomplish.. the word "Ahava" love has the shoresh of "hav" which means to give.The beauty of Lashon Hakodesh . teh formulas are found within its words! thanks for the inspiration.. I will keep going forward...
(13) Sarah, May 26, 2009 1:55 PM
To Iris...
Iris, You can't possibly know the reasons for others' choices, so perhaps it's best not to judge them? To say that someone will end up lonely for not having children or not getting married is one-sided. Many of us are introverts that don't need a lot of socializing. I'm my own best friend - I enjoy family and friends, but honestly, I'm usually at my happiest when I'm alone and can truly relax. Also, I love the happy world that's within my own mind - I like being in my head, because my outlook is a happy one. I volunteer my time helping others and then I get to relax. I'm not opposed to marriage, but I would have a lot less time to give to others if I were to marry. I think we're all trying our best in life - focusing on compassion for others, and not judging, is so important.
(12) Iris Moskovitz, May 25, 2009 9:45 PM
Exceptional article
I truly enjoyed reading this very thought provoking article. There are so many people whom I meet and think the same way as the gentleman on the plane. I hope they learn to grow up one day,and realize that if they don't want to have responsibilities in life other than the bare necessities, they will die very sad,lonely people, one day.Having someone to worry about other than themself, will make life worth living.
(11) Sarah, May 25, 2009 9:42 PM
Good but perhaps doesn't entirely fit for today's world?
I think there's a lot of truth to this article, but let's face it, life is harder today, especially in raising kids, than it has ever been. For hundreds of years, kids were "assets." Today, they're just the opposite, as we are expecting to completely cater to their needs. I agree that the world won't always be perfect. It's how we chose to "react" that determines our rewards. However, willingly choosing a life of hardship doesn't guarantee pleasure, in fact, I think it can do more to guarantee just the opposite. Some of us "do" have the ability to adapt, grow and experience increased pleasure from difficulties in life, but unfortunately, I don't believe we all have this ability. Some suffer over and over again, and never really adapt. I believe that for anyone who knows in their heart that they can't handle children shouldn't have them, and nobody has the right to judge another's choice. I'm choosing to not have kids, but for me, I believe this is a wise decision.
(10) klinkowitz, May 25, 2009 10:32 AM
u the man.
(9) Anonymous, May 25, 2009 12:34 AM
Thank you so very much
for this article. I am going to print it out and read it with my family at the dinner table.
(8) Anonymous, May 25, 2009 12:10 AM
Great article!
Great article! My wife and I have Baruch Hashem been married over 20 years and have 7 kain haro wonderful Jewish 'frum' well adjusted kids. Iopenly admit it is very hard sometimes to manage it all but Baruch Hashem we get through! Some of my workmates think and say to me openly "You are NUTS!" - why did you do that! There is in Western countries a mistaken believe that the opposite of pain id pleasure and there is sometimes a lack of any real responsibility..... I often think of what Dovid HaMelech wrote in Psalms "Those who sow with tears reap with happiness" the sometimes hard scenes nowadays won't Please G-d last for ever and hopefully we will have much long term naches! The short term challenge is worth the long term gain!!! and this makes for a meaningful life!
(7) Anonymous, May 24, 2009 11:59 PM
I agree except one point.....
Good Article and good insights! The opposite of pain is comfort not a striving for the truth or the true way. Although... One thing I must agree with the fellow passenger flying with the Rabbi on the plane...why does kosher really cost so much in some parts of the world? Is it because the overheads are large and it is such a niche?? G-d has got to bless us with wealth if we are to afford to do the right kosher things and not become begetarians! I always buy kosher albeit it costs more!
(6) e schonfeld, May 24, 2009 9:26 PM
thank you
very thought provoking, great food for thought. thank you.
(5) Anonymous, May 24, 2009 7:10 PM
Wow! you and I must have been on the same plane..hoping that the children will not cry, that someone else's kids will make more noise, plying them with sweets...funny and true. Unfortunately I am helping several couples cope with both divorce and pending divorce. Unmet expectations....unwillingness to go the extra mile and in some cases- even the first quarter. It leaves me everyday saying, "Whew, Baruch Hashem I have my spouse and we work on our "stuff." Your article also makes me want to say how wonderful my spouse is in front of the children and to always recall his good traits and my happiness in front of the children. IT would seem that it is not too early..
(4) Bernie Siegel, MD, May 24, 2009 4:00 PM
pain is a necessity
life is a labor pain. but as long as you choose the pain and give birth to yourself you will hurt a great deal less than those who let it be imposed by others. also pain is necessary for one to identify one's self and protect one's self. those without pain lose themselves and their body parts.
(3) Anonymous, May 24, 2009 3:19 PM
Great article!
We all struggle with those secular values of wanting pleasure without work. Thanks for reminding us of the proper perspective.
(2) Avraham Broide, May 24, 2009 11:07 AM
Same with money
Perhaps the same applies to money. When a person has enough he's coasting along in neutral. Financial difficulties requires development of character to pull through.
(1) Feigele, May 24, 2009 9:55 AM
Thank G-d for Children!
I too have 3 children and years ago was looked upon as a large family, which seemed to bother some people more than I ever even thought about it as a “load”. They felt sorry for me. I was regarded as a poor human being, what a load she is carrying! Meanwhile, I was the happiest person on earth and thanked G-d for allowing me to have children at all. It was never too much work but an immense pleasure. In some countries like Australia and others, large families are still a way of life. Most families have about 4/5 kids, thanks to the government who helps a lot. A lot of men and women can’t face the music. Is it due to their upbringing this lack of confidence, this fear of responsibilities? This phobia of children? In large part, I believe, it is due to today’s way of life where women have to work too in order to meet ends. Life style today is very demanding especially not only can you barely afford certain things for yourself but you have to get it for the children too. In our time, education was either free or very reasonable tuition, we did not need so many clothes, new ones and new style every season to fit in, we all share what was in the house, only one item per family, like bedroom, TV, stereo, car, etc. In another word, the world became more materialistic than family inclined. It is cheaper and less work to buy something than raising a child, that’s for sure. But where is the challenge in that? And that created fear of responsibilities in people. Scenario #1 describes my life, which was taken for granted and not so much appreciated. It takes a lot of efforts, patience and work to accomplish # 1, also, not without pains. I don’t know if many marriages would survive #2, which seems to be creating more frustrations, conflicts and pains. We can’t escape all these behaviors, which are part of life, so we might as well accept what G-d has in store for us.