We're one big unhappy text-messaging, Facebooking family. "Just a sec, I'm in the middle of a text" is the common retort around my house. And I admit I'm just as guilty. Either I'm texting, or my kids and husband are floating dreamily, deep in cyber space.
Our lack of family communication is becoming intolerable. So I've decided that out of concern for my family's health, a New Year's resolution to wean ourselves away from our cell phones and computers is in order.
I'm no angel. I hear that familiar tick, tick, tick... and realize I'm tapping my keys again. I'm busy, very busy, too busy to just dial the number and talk to the person I'm texting. This is affecting my relationships. I haven't heard my best friend’s voice in days. I have to check my brother's Facebook to see how he's doing instead of picking up the phone - because even if I make the call, chances are he won't be there because he's too busy texting!
The world record teen "texter" texted 50,000 texts in one month. Did she go to school? Did she go to the bathroom?
My daughter's friends spend untold hours texting each other about nothing. Last month she sent 2100 text messages and received as many. And that's considered moderate compared with kids who send as many as 30,000 text messages a month. The world record teen "texter" texted 50,000 texts in one month. Where were her parents? Did she go to school? Did she go to the bathroom? Did she even have time to eat? Will she need thumb transplants for all her hard work? Our children are depriving themselves of the joy of hearing the intonation and expression of the human voice. Real human emotion is extracted from the "text conversation" and is replaced with banalities. I feel bad that my kids are missing out on the little nuances of conversation that enrich an exchange. Maybe nuance doesn't matter anymore. It's a new world and subtlety is going out the door with convention. "Text speak" has abbreviated the English language to a few short consonants and the occasional vowel. If my daughter was in full “text speak” mode (and procrastinating on doing homework) she might text something like this to a friend, “Omg girl, how r u? Tons 2 do, but am awltp - Uh oh, g2g pbb cyt qt, lul, Kar.” Translated this means, “Oh my God girl, how are you? I’ve got tons to do, but I'm avoiding work like the plague – Uh oh, got to go, parent behind back, see you tomorrow cutie, love you lots, Karen.”
Twitter is the latest curse. When my English professor told me to be concise with my choice of words, I don't think he was referring to "tweets" on Twitter.
Of course this is not to say that there isn't value in email/texting/twittering/Facebooking/MySpaceing. We all depend on it; the ease of communication has transformed the world. But I think we're taking all this wonderful technology and overdoing it.
What happened to face-to-face communication? I even text my kids' teachers to express a particular concern instead of setting up a meeting. It's so much easier to complain from afar. It's time to take a step back and in my home, it's got to start with me.
Thankfully new years are for new beginnings and "if not now, when?" So this year I'm going to "walk the walk" instead of just texting it. When the High Holidays come around, I'll remember to say, "I'm sorry for having wronged you" face to face instead of using Facebook, texting, blasting, or "tweeting." It's harder to do, but confessing to wrongdoing not only builds character, it means so much more to the person on the receiving end of the apology.
And if I stick to my convictions, maybe my kids and husband will look up from their phones and computers when I talk and listen to what I have to say. Maybe we'll actually have dinner conversation. Maybe this Rosh Hashana we'll talk about communication -- with each other -- with God.
And when I stand facing God this Yom Kippur, saying, "For the sins I have committed against you...," I won't be texting it in!
(21) Mel Alexenberg, January 30, 2011 7:08 PM
Torah Tweets: A Postdigital Biblical Commentary as a Blogart Narrative
See shabbat antidote to digital overload at http:torahtweets.blogspot.com
(20) SusanE, January 9, 2011 8:35 PM
How Did Sarahs' Resolve Play Out?
It's been 4 months since Sarah spoke about ridding her life of useless distractions. She was concerned about he lack of communication between her and her family. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wonder how that worked for her with texting, Twitter, Facebook and the like. She used words like weaning - if - and maybe. Those aren't words of conviction. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm not point fingers, I waste hours a week on Twitter and spend sooo much time giving my opinion here on Aish.com. I think it is fast approaching time to stop using the internet for socializing.
(19) Lila, September 14, 2009 5:33 PM
The problem starts at home
I know who will be the one teaching my kids about how much better it is to text than talk. Me! Don't make me give up my cell phone!
(18) fredrick, September 12, 2009 2:12 PM
we have decided to lose touch of humanity all in the name of being bussy. if people could wait for messiah all this long we should be able to wait for our kids, and family not texting it out
(17) Laura, September 9, 2009 4:33 PM
ABSOLUTELY!
Which makes me think about emails as effective communication tools, too! You have written about an important subject -- how we develop relationships, human-to-human.
(16) anon, September 8, 2009 9:12 PM
Hmm We have had thousands of years of face to face communication. In that time we have had assault, theft, rape, murder, famine, disease, war and genocide So here's to TV, radio, mobile phones, cinema and the internet.
(15) SarahRachel, September 8, 2009 3:10 PM
Wow. I don't even know how.
I have never been on Facebook or Myspace or any of those. I've had a cellphone a friend got for me four years ago because I was going to be in the hospital and contact was important. I had no idea until recently how to even make any calls on it. In June, my teens went to visit some relatives out of town so we got them cellphones. The texting began. So I've learned how to text (only a month ago), but it takes me so long I don't bother unless it's very important. So I don't have any of that. What I DO have is World Of Warcraft. It's the MMORPGs that are my downfall. Ultima Online six years ago, then Everquest, then World of Warcraft. I've quit it so many times, but always end up going back to it. Maybe one day Aish can do an article on people addicted to MMORPGs. That would be nice. I see Sarah Arbess is a 2nd degree black belt. I wonder if it's too late for me at age 50 to start something like that. Probably.
(14) tova, September 8, 2009 2:57 PM
Soultion
I solved the texting issue by getting my kids a kosher phone which has NO texting capabilities. So now they need to call their friends when they have soemthing to tell them. Can get expensive you say-no not here. I have my daughters do chores around the house to earn money to pay for the 'pay as you go' cards that are topped off in their phone. So, they pay for their calls too!! They fought this at first but now I can budget my phone bills realistically.
(13) Beverly Kurtin, September 8, 2009 4:45 AM
No Texting in public!
A few weeks ago, a woman walked into the side of my van. I was doing 30 MPH at the moment. I slammed on my brakes and my wheelchair ($5,700) went flying, just missing my head, breaking an axle. She tried to sue me but too many witnesses were ready to appear in for me. Instead, she had to pay me $2,000 to repair the chair. Other people have been killed by blithely walking into traffic while texting. IDIOTIC! I refuse all texts, do not participate in the so-called "social networks." I've seen marriages break up because of them, jobs lost because people were addicted to text messages or the other things that had nothing to do with their jobs.
(12) koby, September 8, 2009 2:38 AM
YES!
this needs to be nationally read.
(11) Anonymous, September 7, 2009 8:02 PM
Only Brachot to You
Shalom! I don't know what Tweeter is nor do I know Facebook. I don't have an iPod and I have no clue how to text message. My life is full of taking care of my children here in a religious community in Eretz Yisrael, davening, cooking, playing with my children, being with my husband, getting ready for Shabbos and Yom Tov, doing chesed for the community. I feel sorry for the religious Jews in America. There is so much clutter in your lives that does nothing for the enhancement of mitzvot and getting close to Hashem. I wish only brachot to you. How does any Torah Jew have time for all that you mention? I'm baffled.
(10) robin, September 7, 2009 1:34 PM
i agree
good points, Sarah. i wish i could phone my thoughts in! i have held off on getting my daughter a phone, but know soon, i must give in. argh. tbd.
(9) Alan, September 7, 2009 9:30 AM
Texting or 'living'?
Message received!! And not a moment too soon. There surely is a place for a text message, just as there is a place for a phone message, or a handwritten message or note. It is important to remember that the texting you are referencing is actually known as "short message service" -- the point being that giving another a message should require that message to have MEANING! Not to play devils advocate or be critical, but other than "socialization" (a construct that I think fills a void that the phone companies created) -- what function or meaning was rendered in the sample message that your daughter sent her girlfriend? Surely sending a text message should be meaningful, and I while I know very few forms of communication need to involve great insight or be Shakespearian in concept, and "blowing off steam" serves a purpose, I fail to see the 'usefulness' in the vast majority of messages that are sent.
(8) Joseph Aron, September 7, 2009 2:25 AM
Texting is a dangerous, alienating, robotic activity that has created a society of incessant need for constantly being connected. It is pathetic to think that some have become so uncomfortable with their own inner space that they have to relate to the world through cybernetic devices which robs one of the value of genuine communication.
(7) Ruth Housman, September 6, 2009 10:52 PM
the more connected/the more disconnected
Life does have these inbuilt paradoxes. Now that we can connect, almost instantaneously, around the globe, we are more in touch with each other than ever, and yet, the down side is the fact we are less in touch, meaning we distance our selves too, by bridging the distance with too many words that play volleyball with our lives. I know there is something magnificent and wonderful about the human voice, and we are missing this in face to face conversations. And so we gain and we lose. Life seems to be like this wherever we look. it's plus and it's minus so how do we make it add up?
(6) e. m. lefrak, September 6, 2009 10:04 PM
more on forgiveness
I think i read that when one grants forgiveness, he should articulate the words. So while a request for fogiveness can maybe be done by email, etc., the forgiiving party has to say "I forgive you." Important to remember.
(5) Sarah Arbess, September 6, 2009 7:49 PM
Re: parenting and the rules of the house
I really appreciate your comments. Feedback is informative and helpful. My husband and I have set up the computer adjacent to the kitchen (where we can see it). The kids are limited to 30mins of free time and the rest of the time is for homework. But, they're crafty, and although I check often, by the time I get to the computer area they're back to homework. As for the phone. I love the idea of a 911 phone - that's great. I heard of a phone where you can program in only 3 numbers - eg. 911, mom and dad - they'll hate it, but so what. The current situation calls for drastic measures! Although we pay for my kids phone time, it's all wrapped up in a family package - unlimited everything (my husband uses it for work). It's more economical and in these tough financial times... however the thought of him having a separate plan has crossed our minds. Thanks everyone for the feedback. Shana Tova.
(4) Anonymous, September 6, 2009 7:07 PM
Amen
Could not agree more. Been saying the same thing to a lot of people. I think for many the intimacy is too scary and for them this feels intimate! I think it is a sad commentary on where we are as a society and especially with our relationships.
(3) SusanE, September 6, 2009 4:19 PM
Get a 911 cell phone.
I had a cell phone for emergencies only. If you think the children need a cell phone for emergencies then that's what to get them. It calls 911. Use the computer in your home for work or homework only, if that is what you think a computer should be for. Everything has a purpose. Certainly you wouldn't let your kids use the family car to haul industrial waste and cattle. Kids who can't control their behavior OD on anything they have free access to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You stated about your daughter "" " Last month she sent 2100 text messages and received as many."""""" Ask yourself who pays for her phone use? Cancel the service and pitch the phone. I garantee she will communicate with you face to face and use lots and lots of whole words while doing it. If children aren't in control of their own behavior with texting and computer time they can't control their own behavior in other dangerous areas either. ~~~ Junk food, alcohol, smoking, toxic relationships, drugs, internet sites, texting. All very dangerous for children when given free access.
(2) marla Shoom, September 6, 2009 3:17 PM
Sarah: You're great! Loved the article. It hit home and definitely made me think and made me laugh!!!!!
(1) Anonymous, September 6, 2009 1:23 PM
Just say no
You've taken the important first step of committing to change for yourself. But why are you afraid to parent? If you feel it is important for your children to have a cellphone for emergency purposes, why not get them (and you and your spouse) cellphones without texting, photo and internet capabilities? Why not limit the computer to one heavily-trafficked location in the house (NOT behind a closed door) and assign each child a certain limited access time per day? The same goes for iPods.