Normal Life

Trying to see the tree for the forest is a job we all need to work on. The author is correct in pointing out that a person is more than the nisayon they're going through. We all have nisyonos, but some seem to loom larger than others. Can we talk about our children to a person who's been childless for years, or about wedding details to our friend that is well into her thirties and still single? I've heard people say exactly what the author does, and she properly identifies how lonely it can be when there's this glass wall built around her because others fear hurting her. And there are others who do find it painful to hear people blithely talk about their children, the annoying things their husbands do, etc. and seemingly oblivious to the pain the person with the nisayon is going through as she listens. I remember years ago when I shared an office with someone new, and asking those traditional getting-to-know-you questions (that we might not ask one another so quickly today). I asked her how many kids she had, and she replied: "I don't have any." Awkward silence. Then she asked me what my husband did for a living, and I told her I was divorced. Another awkward silence suddenly broken with laughter when I said to her: "I guess we're even." Not even with nisyonos but the discomfort we each felt when we'd accidentally broached the other's nisayon.

Many nisyonos later I personally struggle with listening people discuss seemingly everyday things that I struggle with mightily, and I have to make a choice whether to go with the flow or excuse myself. I usually opt to go with it because I don't want that monkey wrench thrown into the relationship. But if I can't handle it and it's a one-on-one, I tell the person. Or if they're dancing around it I tell them it's ok, I'm fine. But I realize that those that worry about our feelings need to be told that we're ok, and we prefer that they talk to us like they'd talk to anyone, so their "survivor's guilt" can subside.

Thank you for the beautifully written article. So honest, heart felt, insightful... and thanks for the reminder that we all have so many dimensions.

I've been in both situations before - one where I'm the one people pity due to a challenge in my life and one where I'm friends with someone else going through a challenge similar to yours. I generally find that you just have to get a feeling from the person if she wants to talk about the challenge or not. Sometimes if the person with the challenge doesn't have anyone to talk to about it (maybe because people just want to pity them instead of being an ear), it helps to just be very straight up about everything and say, "do the doctors say that he'll ever walk? Do you know other kids with this syndrome who do talk? at what age?" etc. Sometimes asking questions shows you care and are interested in their life. It's probably not all they want to talk about, though. So it's important to totally change the topic as well. It's a balance.

In an acute crisis, sometimes we need to empathize and show others that we feel their pain. If this goes on too long however, it becomes condescending and humiliating to the injured party. By continuing to pity them, we tell them that we think they are weak and that we do not respect them and do not believe that they have the ability to rise above their situation. On the other hand, the person dealing with the difficult situation must not allow themselves to be pitied. They need to speak up and let others know how they want to be treated. People are not mind readers. Excessive politeness is incompatible with real relationships on all sides.

The articles criticizing caring people just don't stop coming. If we cross the street, we are being hurtful. If we stop and show an interest, we are being invasive. If we bring it up, it's painful. If we keep quiet, it's painful. And now a new one, we shouldn't be overly understanding. I think the author makes a good point but I don't like it addressed to the neighbor with examples of a truly caring person being taken to task.

I think the message is that people going through challenges just want to be treated normally, and not just pitied. Very powerful article!

we're all doing the best we can, you are and your friend is. want people to understand where you're coming from? just say so--but please don't teach by criticizing the friend who has the courage to be there for you in the best way she knows how. this was a pretty public vent and i hope it helps you feel better and relate to your friend in a loving gentle way. she's a caring woman. so are you.

hi, your friends/whomever may be calling you "kallah" to bring you joy and to celebrate with you...not to categorize you. most kallahs are pretty happy/suprised when they are reminded of the exciting phase they are in so try not to be offended.

i totally get it!im engaged and ppl address me"kalla".like hello there is more to life then that!

I have found that even when a comment hurts most people really mean well. I try to think "what would I have said years ago before I had this child?" Another thing people do is drone on & on about what an amazing mother I am to this child, & how great he is doing. It makes me want to ask "& what kind of a mother am I to my other kids?" I never have & never will because they mean well, love me & my child. I just try to get out of the conv asap. Deep down I know that we must be some kind of special (not sure what kind that would be lol) but in day to day life trying to do our best for each of our children we sometimes just need to be normal. We need to argue with our kids that sugar cereal doesn't constitute a good breakfast. We need to be annoyed at the kid who left his homework home .,...again. We need to figure out what to make for supper...... We need to stand in the park, like the author said, & simply discuss these things with our friends. Trust me you will know when to give me your shoulder to cry upon & tell me how I am the best mommy in the world & noone could have gotten this child so far.

I think that all of us-those that have big problems and not-so-big problems-need to cut other people some slack. I too have a family member with special needs and I know that most people will never understand what I am going through. I try every day to be generous with others and realize that they, like myself, are human.

author made a very good point and as the mother of a special needs child I understand the fact that we can still be as trivial as the next person. the article was well written and the author should talk to her friends and teach them this lesson. It is so hard for many people to hit the right balance between caring and over-caring but they do mean well. Maybe part of our nisyon is to help people understand what its like.You're obviously a good writer. Try being a good teacher too!

sometimes I wonder if people can be trained to be more sensitive. I like to think they can. There are some who say, "leave it alone, you cannot change another person, make them more sensitive". Just walk away from it. There are different points of view about this, but if you cannot reach your neighbor, it does seem, that in reaching out to others, you make a good argument for thinking about what we say, how we say it, and the impact on another person. We are all of us, neighbors.

It sounds like the misguided remarks of your neighbor were meant well but instead cause pain. That is why this article is a needed but difficult lesson.

Being humane comes in all sizes, colors and shapes. If people shape their response as simply a human being... "baby Rivcha does not like spinach." By simply not mentioning the "whatever the challenge is" can show more support for the whole family just going through daily life. Sometimes the pity parties need to be left alone. I saw a baby with a cleft palate and in need of surgery being carried by the young mother and helped by the young father. All I said was what beautiful eyes you have and the baby, looking at me over his mother's shoulder lighted up just as if he knew he was special enough to get the attention and care that surgery would bring. I know intellectually he did not, but the parents also appreciated it. They knew the road ahead was going to be difficult and they did not need me to remind them. That little baby boy did have beautiful eyes... just like his father that looked back at me and said "thank you, we think so too." Babies are blessings from G-d and with all the problems that can happen, need love and support. Sometimes, a cold is just a cold so let it be. Show positive support and true kindness. K

I too have a handicapped son, due to an accident when he was 6 months old (he's now 40). Because he is considered IH, when I'm with him I'm also considered IH! At least your neighbour considers that you're a 'whole' person and does not run away in case you go beserk!

Thank YOU!

thanks for telling it as it is, hope it will make the rest of us more understanding and understandable