I see the number of friends people have on Facebook and I'm embarrassed. I'm not comparing myself to celebrities who seem to have millions in their intimate circle. I'm talking about average folk just like me who've piled up friends in the five figures and seem to be continually expanding their close-knit relationships.
What's wrong with me? The number of people I consider true friends doesn't go much over double digits. This in spite of the fact that I am a pretty public figure with a large number of acquaintances.
It bothered me a lot until I finally figured it out.
It isn't that I have fewer friends than other people. It's just that I refuse to allow the word "friend" to be cheapened by verbal inflation. I won't let a description that ought to be reserved for the closest and most meaningful kind of relationship be squandered on fleeting associations with individuals who haven't the slightest idea or concern about my joys and my sorrows.
To me, verbal inflation is just as bad as the financial kind. It degrades the value of our words just as the monetary one diminishes the worth of our currency. I can remember the time when a dollar used to be worth something. And before Facebook came on the scene, I seem to recall that a friend meant something more than someone I knew more closely than by way of his e-mail address.
Joseph Zabara, the 13th Century Hebrew poet and physician put it memorably: "Friendship is one heart in two bodies."
True friendship is a gift from God who told us in the Torah that “it is not good for man to live alone.” We need food to live, but we need friends to make life worth living. And friends, according to Maimonides, have to demonstrate their commitment in order to earn that noble title.
Commenting on the famous words in the book Ethics of the Fathers, “Acquire for yourselves a friend” (1:6), Maimonides explains that friendship to be worthy of its name is a threefold experience. A friend first and foremost must be “a friend for help.” He must be someone you can count on, preferably without even asking for assistance.
Next, he must be “a friend for conversation.” Friends must feel free to communicate their deepest thoughts, no matter how inappropriate they may seem to others.
Finally, a friend must be “a friend in outlook.” There should be a common vision, a sharing of goals and values.
Difficult to find? Of course. That's why real friends are scarce. And that's why I find it offensive when the word is thrown about so carelessly.
If I call them friends, what word should I use for those dearer to me than relatives?
I open my Google mailbox and invariably I find invitations from strangers inviting me to join their circle of friends. I hardly know them. If their list would simply suggest acquaintanceship I would have no problem agreeing. But if I call them friends, what word should I use for those dearer to me than relatives?
I am no longer a youngster. I've lived through much in my life. There were moments when I've enjoyed great achievement. It was then that I learned the truth of Oscar Wilde's observation that “It requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend's success” – and it was only true friends who really shared in my joy.
Today I'm going through a rather difficult time. Age brings with it concern for health and survival. Acquaintances say all the right things. They wish me well and I know they mean it. But then I have friends who not only care about my concerns but share them as well. And that makes all the difference.
What I know now is that every real friend is a miracle. Miracles have to be treasured. And miracles aren't to be expected naturally, as if we were automatically entitled to them. Facebook friends may number in the thousands but they're not the ones who really count. My list is much shorter, but it is far more meaningful.
And one more thing. I thank God for every real friend because I realize that having even one has made my life filled with blessing.
(29) nirmal, August 2, 2013 6:23 AM
friend : always welcome.
well written. i wish not to make it complex for myself. genders make no difference for me. nearby friends can be a help -physically, mentally and distant one mentally (may perhaps be phycally help too- depends development of friendship). i think sincerity and cleanliness in friendship matter. thanks and regards.....nirmal
(28) Bobby Ruane, January 21, 2011 3:41 PM
Acquaintances vs. friends
A lot of times on facebook I want to express what is really on my mind but stop because most of my Facebook 'friends' are mere acquaintances and may not understand or appreciate my deepest thoughts. In fact, most of my actual friends aren't even on Facebook! Introducing an "acquaintance" category on Facebook would be problematic, however, since people will be shuffled back and forth from acquaintance and friend. The word "contact" should be used instead.
Tammy, May 29, 2012 7:11 PM
sharing feelings on facebook or any other media
I personally feel it is to your peril to express real feelings on FB or any other media. Anything you say can be taken out of context and you don't control the way your words appear in black and white, expressionless without the accompaning facial expression or tonality of your true vocal cords As you see jobs and significant dynamic realtionships like marrriages etc are destroyed by FB - Have live real friends that you see and actually meet with in person for low key events. It is healthier and wiser.
(27) chaim, August 17, 2010 8:56 PM
well written. i have a grand total of forty friends on facebook
(26) Anonymous, August 15, 2010 12:17 PM
fantastic article required reading
Very well written explanation to those of us who shun face book and other linking in games and to those who wonder why we don't join!. I treasure my friends and they have a very special place in my heart. Not a place that is open to just anyone. THAT is why they are my friends! I have gotten to the point where I crave privacy and this is the Torah way as well. Pirkei Avot indeed said it well-MAKE for yourself a friend- it is a difficult job requiring work not just a click of a button on a computer. Job well done. good for you! Yehudit Spero
(25) David BG, August 13, 2010 8:15 AM
Thank you!
Simply: thank you for wording exactly my feelings as per facebook etc. "friends".
(24) Anonymous, August 13, 2010 12:21 AM
Rabbi Blech, your comment about the watering down of the term "friend" is extremely valid. There is an opinion (Ethics of the Fathers 4:15) that many feel indicates we should try to honor people beyond what they deserve. Might it be ideal, if we can maintain the distinction, to know who each of our true friends is but to call even acquaintances friends and maintain a high opinion of them?
(23) Anonymous, August 12, 2010 8:39 PM
I got away from Facebook and MySpace because of the opportunities others took advantage of for real predation. I like the fact that I don't use the word "friend" easily, quickly or lightly. People will show me what they are and how they operate and so many people covet and covet all kinds of things. I simply want the same respect that they would want for themselves. Respect has to be earned but I try to give people as a matter of living this life an opportunity to show me what they are as people. I really don't want to ever get to a point that I would announce a big bash inviting 5,000 of my "closest friends." I am happy with a few to several but I too do not have double digits. There are, however, friendly folks that at arms length are perhaps fun to be around for awhile. I just prefer to be where there is "G"-rated tv, programs, people and leading a fulfilling life wrapped up in G-d's light, protective arms and faith.
(22) SusanE, August 12, 2010 7:35 PM
Facebook? MySpace? nah -Twitter? yes
Man's Best Friend: "If you don't think your dog is your best friend ............. lock your wife and your dog in the truck of your car for an hour, and see which one is happiest to see you when you let them out. ------------------------------------------ No Facebook for all the tea in China. (is that old metaphor still relevant today) I don't use MySpace either. Privacy seems to be an issue. I've been using Twitter for about 9 months. And wasting loads of time on there. If anyone cares to peek in my Tweets it's (SavannahSues) . Promise! I won't call anyone a friend. Just a fellow Twitterer.
. I agree Rabbi that we have friends and aquaintances. True friends are as you describe them, miracles. I know your friends can help you through this difficult time. As a poster here on Aish, I also am wishing you well. ---------------- My friends are absolutely part of me. They know me and I know them, forever. Thank you for reminding us how important it is to have friends. I guard those friendships lovingly and at the same time, fiercely.
(21) Morris Abadi, August 12, 2010 6:43 PM
I am free!!!!
Mazel tov! I do not hava many friends. But I have, thank G-d, very very good friends. And I am not a slave of the computer. I do not have Facebook, MSN, Orkut, shmOrkut, I do not have (because I do not want to) have a smartphone (chaz veshalom). Freedom is the skill of saying "NO, THAT'S ENOUGH". And, most important of all, I do not waste the precious time Hakadosh Baruch Hu gives me everyday with all those useless tools.
(20) Anonymous, August 12, 2010 1:20 AM
All Friendships Count.
There are Many problems with facebook, and I myself hope never to become a member. However, looking back just a few weeks at Tisha B'Av, a sad day because once again we failed to build the bais hamikdash - one has to wonder, what would the world look like if we were all "friends" or friends? Why would you want to exclude someone from your circle of friends? Everyone has something to offer. Maybe we could learn from facebook that it is doesn't have to be so hard to accept others as friends. We should all be making an effort in this world to add outsiders to our group of friends LIVE! May every new friendship add another brick to the Bais Hamikdash that we work daily to rebuild. p.s.Facebook's feature that allowed you to drop a friend and thereby hurt another IS awful because every person and every friend Should count.
(19) Edward, August 10, 2010 2:46 PM
Defining Friends
"It's just that I refuse to allow the word "friend" to be cheapened by verbal inflation" Exactly! Most of the people i encounter call someone a "friend" who I call a casual acquaintance. if you simply say "hello, how are you" when you see them at the bus stop or in a store, or if the only contact you have with them is when they need something, they are not a "friend". If you allow superficiality in friendships, superficiality is what you'll get. Me, I'd rather have five real friends than 500 gladhanders and friends-in-need.
(18) , August 10, 2010 8:24 AM
I do agree that true friendship is hard to come by, which is also why I approve of facebook. If I am aquaintances with someone, or friends with them, or whatever, I don't want to lose touch with them. You never know when an aquaintance could become a friend. Also, I believe that if you have a connection with someone, you should try everything in your means to remain in touch. Facebook helps me with this. I value friendship very much, and I don't accept friend requests from strangers. I only accept friend requests from people I am friendly with. Granted, I don't have many facebook friends, as a result, but this works for me.
(17) Anonymous, August 10, 2010 8:17 AM
Facebook is what you make of it
I definitely agree that facebook can be superficial, but for my purposes it isn't. It's difficult for me to keep in touch with people, and facebook has helped me get in touch with friends that live far away, keep track of what they're up to, etc. It's much easier than looking up a phone number or email address. You just go to your friend list and click on the person's name. All of your contacts are also there in one place, so it's easy to keep track of all the people you care to keep track of. Personally, I too get "friend" invitations from strangers, but I only accept the friend request if I am friendly with the person. I don't have many facebook friends, but the ones I do have I'm glad are on my friends list. Facebook is really what you make of it. It can be ridiculous and superficial, but it can also be an easy way to drop someone a note asking them how they are.
(16) Caroline, August 10, 2010 1:34 AM
Facebook friends...
This is so true. I see many Facebook users who have like in the thousands. Even though I change my settings on FB to friends & family, I still get people I don't even know so I have to ignore them. Mainly, I use FB mostly for close relatives to keep in touch. But I have to say, that even relatives don't say hello or keep in touch OR even comment on what you post! Also, FB is good for keeping up with the news in Israel, U.S. & around the world. Thank you for this article!
(15) tatyana, August 10, 2010 1:23 AM
Finally!!!!!
Friendship is loosing it's value? Facebook is another reason to be addicted to NOTHINGNESS! What's the metter with us?! If it's avalable it doesn't mean we MUST use it! I refused and I'm glad that I'm not alone! Thanks a lot Rabbi.
(14) Celia Leal, August 9, 2010 1:01 AM
Facebook friends
Dear Rabbi, I fully agree with you and your vision on friendship. I echoe your words about true friends, those who are with us every moment, in joy and in sorrow. I recall a statement which I read many years ago in US: "The love your share is the only love your keep". Thank you and God Bless you.
(13) Anonymous, August 9, 2010 12:54 AM
you are sooo right!!!
You have hit the nail on the head!! I use Facebook simply as a parking spot for pictures that I'm afraid I may lose if my cell phone is stolen or my computer crashes, so i don't have any delusions as to the meaningfulness of my Facebook "friendships". I crack up whenever i am in NY or elsewhere and run into my rarely seen friends who happen to also be Facebook friends with me and they barely even nod their head at me to say hello. Facebook is beyond a complete superficial waste of time!
(12) Randall Gearhart, August 9, 2010 12:25 AM
Being a friend...
Yes, the FB friend experience can be shallow. But, I look at the site as a way to "be" a friend to someone--to be one who genuinely cares, sympathizes, encourages, and comforts. It really is what you make it. It can be a very effective time-waster or it can be a true friend-maker. Sometimes, friends are found (or rediscovered) in the oddest places--even on Facebook. =^)
(11) Diana Bluestone, August 9, 2010 12:06 AM
Nothing is all black or white
I appreciate your article and yes. it seems as we are collecting "friends" as if friends were stamps for our stamp collection. Yet, Facebook offers the opportunity to "change" the aspect of "friends" as a collection of such, to one of making contact with people all over the world while taking the risk of being open, honest, kind and altruistic. I had decided to stop making comments or sharing stories in an impersonal way by sharing simple stories and ideas that are mine, saying: "I" and not "people" or Republicans..American..Jewish..them..or what I have been guilty of: "some of us"...It is true that I do need to protect myself, but not by sacrificing my honesty. I will share that I enjoy reading this or that, or being with children..and so much more to share...at the same time, If I feel sad, I want to say it. Or sick, or confused, angry..and so on. This week I nearly closed my FB account. The much younger generation is so open to say "I" (a bit too much at times!)..but when it comes to my age, I find that there is a world that is apparently filled with successful, happy, healthy "friends" who run away like scared rabbits if I say I have cancer. It was just now, after reading your article and the comments that I have decided to stay in and take the risk of being and staying honest. If by doing so, just one and maybe two other "friends" may dare to be real..not the sublimed caricature of a successful wanna-be I too portrayed myself to be , but a flesh and blood human being with all that being such entails. The good stuff, the nasty stuff the the stuff in between..so then, if only two people learn how to say: I am..I feel..this funny story just happened to me..or what I learned so another may learn..and the other way around. Then: I am choosing to BE THE WAY I WISH OTHER PEOPLE were. Truthful. Thank-you.
(10) Anonymous, August 8, 2010 9:36 PM
Thank you Rabbi for putting into words what was so painfully clear when I first created a facebook profile, but has become blurry in the last two years. I haven't even written books, nor have much notoriety to speak of, but people I don't even know are now pressing the "friend" button on facebook - even some with Jewish names who live in other states...Perhaps I should remove my real friends from my list. After all, my real friends are the ones that I do not need facebook to communicate with!
(9) Sydney Faber, August 8, 2010 8:06 PM
Who's a friend
Dear Rabbi Blech, How right you are. I also get inundated with requests to be my Facebookk friend. My feeling is...if you want to be my friend why don't you just pick up the phone and say "Hello, Is there some thing that I can do to help you today?" or " is there anything you can do to make a difference in my life today?" I'm at the verge of closing down my Facebook account because I don't think that anything really valuable is being achieved using this medium. I'm so glad that my Machutenista, Joan Lieberman sent me your very moving article. Kind regards. Sydney Faber Jerusalem.
(8) Joseph Rapaport, August 8, 2010 5:32 PM
"Facebook" friend says it all.
The qualifier FB already lets you know that these are not friends in the true deeper sense of the word. These relationships that begin as acquaintenceships may or may not go any further. They certainly are not on the level of traditional friendships that have much deeper and emotional connections.
(7) Anonymous, August 8, 2010 5:32 PM
BEAUTIFULLY SAID!!!!!
(6) David C, August 8, 2010 4:53 PM
PS
A coomediian once said: "Animals are our friends, but they wont pick you up at the airport."
(5) david c, August 8, 2010 4:51 PM
perfectly put
This is a summary of the destruction of society, in the perfect tense. There are no "friendships" anymore, they have been replaced with the lust for money and success. Sadly, I have observed that only friends exist in poverty and despair, if not in total, at least in such temporary circumstances. This is why individuals like you, Rabbi, are so critical, to stand back out of the fray and make observations such as these. Thank you.
(4) Otis R. Needleman, August 8, 2010 4:10 PM
Possibly the best thing I've ever read here.
Rabbi Blech, you hit the nail right on the head. I have nothing to do with Facebook, MySpace, etc. Just don't see how those sites will improve my life. All the best to you.
(3) David E., August 8, 2010 3:56 PM
I have an account, but...
I have only 28 'friends' on Facebook. All are people I know from beforehand. I only use it for convenience, e.g., friends learning in Israel, etc.
(2) Anonymous, August 8, 2010 3:22 PM
Wow
Thank you!
(1) Anonymous, August 8, 2010 12:40 PM
I am sorry to hear about your difficulties
Dear Rabbi Blech, I read your wise advice. Thank you. I was struck with the paragraph about your difficulties and especially your health concerns. I am sorry to hear of this. I pray and hope for a speedy recovery.