Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. But the light bulb has to really want to change.
By now, most of us are disappointed, dismayed, and downright disgusted with Anthony Weiner. It’s bad enough that this politician’s fall from grace – twice! – is so sordid (and he’s lied repeatedly about it.) But it doesn't seem that Mr. Weiner is all that sorry.
Will he keep on with his behavior as long as he believes he won’t get caught?
Only he knows. The first step towards change is to want to change. And the key to wanting change is rooted in the history of the Jewish nation.
Forty Days of Opportunity
This Tuesday and Wednesday night the Jewish month of Elul begins, marking the beginning of the 40-day period during which Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur occur. On these days we are able to return to our truest selves and renew our connection with our Source. Sure, during the rest of the year change is always a possibility – but now, the opportunity is even greater. Change is the focus of the next 40 days.
The 40-day time frame is itself significant. In Judaism, the number “40” is always a harbinger of a journey to a turning point, a new beginning, a sea change. The Torah tells us that the world-wide flood lasted 40 days, and upon cessation, the earth was rendered pure. A fetus develops rapidly inside its mother for 40 days, at which point a soul descends and enters it. Moses spent 40 years in Pharaoh’s palace before he was ready to lead the Israelites. And, our ancestors spent 40 anxious days waiting for Moses to descend from Mt. Sinai with the tablets. During those 40 days they were working on themselves, aiming to reach the spiritual awareness necessary to receive the Torah.
But the Israelites had a major setback, and change was stymied. They miscalculated and counted 39 days of Moses’ absence, not 40. They became upset that he didn’t appear when their calculations said he should. They were certain they had been abandoned. Fed up, they gave up, and decided to take matters into their own hands and build the golden calf.
When Moses returned and saw the idol, he broke the tablets, a violent echo of his broken heart. But, despite his deep disappointment, he didn’t give up on his people. He climbed up the mountain once more and spent another 40 days pleading with God to forgive the people. Those few million people down below also pleaded with God for the chance to try again. They too, were broken hearted. They didn’t let up until Moses’ return.
Finally, on the first day of Elul, Moses climbed Mt. Sinai for the third time. He remained there until 40 days later. It was Yom Kippur when he descended with new tablets which contained the message of connection the Israelites were finally ready to receive. And we’ve been holding onto that message ever since.
The Elul Fix
If you believe you can damage, believe you can repair. – Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
Our ancestors’ actions illustrate how to go about making the most of this 40-day period. Like us, they were imperfect. They made a whopping mistake. Who hasn’t? Yet, instead of giving up, succumbing to despair, they trusted that they could begin again.
No matter how many times we’ve let ourselves and others down, we too can begin again.
After Moses broke the tablets, it seemed impossible that things could ever be okay again. After all, Moses had rushed off, back up the mountain, seemingly abandoning everyone. But our ancestors didn’t give up. They didn’t allow their pain and shame to overwhelm them; they refused to sink into despair. Instead, they reflected on how things had gone awry. They took personal responsibility for their error with the golden calf. They didn’t pretend it was an accident. They admitted they messed up.
They reached out to God, acknowledging their blunder. They asked that they be given the chance to repair the damage they had done. And they promised to make their best effort to not repeat their error.
No, things would never again be exactly what they were. There was a painful history. People got hurt. But they were wiser now, with a more intimate knowledge of who they were and what they were capable of. They were able to forge the inner will to do better. They achieved a stronger sense of purpose and their started again, knowing that mistakes might occur, but if they did, they’d be just that – mistakes.
Tools for Change
During the month of Elul, and the ten days from Rosh Hashanah through Yom Kippur, our potential for growth is accelerated. We just have to do our part.
The ability to make meaningful change requires *four simple, but powerful, steps. Anthony Weiner, take note:
-
Reflect and identify: This means doing some honest thinking about who you are and who you want to be. Sure, we have to find the good in ourselves, but we also need to be honest about the less-than-good that exists within.
Once we identify an area we need to work on we should stop the negative act – then we’re ready for the next step.
-
Talk it out: God is listening, waiting for you to tell Him all about it. The sages teach that in Elul, the “King is in the field.” Right now, God isn’t sitting on a remote, Heavenly throne, He’s right down here with us, ready to embrace us with all our flaws. All we have to do is talk to Him. This kind of intimate, unscripted rap session helps us think things through and helps us get in touch with our feelings. It’s kind of a meditation session – yoga mat, optional.
If you feel silly just talking, you can start slow, just for a minute or two at a time. Or, try writing a letter: Dear God, I messed up, but I want to do better. Love, Me
-
Experience remorse: Don’t shy away from feelings that have come up when you talk it out. Allow yourself to experience regret. Explore the consequences of actions.
-
Return to truth: This means repenting and returning to my highest potential self, resolving to improve, beginning by never again repeating the harmful action. (No more Carlos Danger.)
Imagine what would happen if Anthony Weiner followed Judaism’s advice.
Hopefully our own slip-ups are not as egregious as Anthony Weiner’s. Perhaps we don’t follow through on our promises and commitments. We might have a hair-trigger temper or aren’t always 100 percent truthful. Maybe we simply waste a lot of time. But the scale of our errors doesn’t matter – each of us has the potential to change if we want to. Including Anthony Weiner.
From now until Yom Kippur, our days are ripe with possibilities. Like our ancestors in the wilderness, we are pained by the things we messed up and wish we could fix. And like them, we know we have no reason to despair: God is listening to us, with utter compassion.
This 40-day period is a gift – a crash-course in openness and truthfulness. It’s not easy to be so honest with ourselves, but it’s essential if we want to achieve better relationships with others – and with our selves. This is the time we’ve been given to really think about what kind of person we want to be and ask God to help us get there.
*Rambam, Mishneh Torah, The Laws of Teshuva
(28) Fran P., August 16, 2015 4:25 PM
His wife is in the news too.
I'm surprised the press has kept his name out of his wife's Emuna's situation with Hillary's emails. She's been one of Hillary's close staff members for years. Maybe he's finally out of the limelight. I don't live in NY or NJ, so I don't know how it's going there.
(27) Anonymous, August 13, 2013 12:22 AM
Weiner is not a Jew
Stop talking about Weiner as if he's Jewish. His mother is an Italian Catholic.
(26) Kurt, August 8, 2013 4:56 PM
He cannot change and hold public office.
In my opinion, Weiner can change, but not overnight, not in weeks nor even months. Behavior such as his points to a amoral value system and character disorder. He is in need of long term therapy.
His political environment only enables his sick behavior. If viewed as an addict he is in denial and only refers to past therapy as a false pretense of redemption.
If he would subject his wife and his marriage to this in full public view what would he do if elected? There would be an increase in the number of enablers and possibly those who would take advantage to justify there own mis- behaviors.
What does this say about those who would vote for this type of person?
(25) Ann Canada, August 8, 2013 4:36 PM
4 precious steps
What a wonderful article, Chaya Rivka Zwolinski. Thank you!
(24) Anonymous, August 7, 2013 12:41 PM
No Hope For Anthony
Why would Anthony Weiner want to change? If he did, he would have done it already. In some perverse way, his antics keep his name front and center in the news, and in between the hullaballo he is able to cleverly stick in his ideas about New York, and how he would be a good mayor. This is his gimmick and he isn't going to give it up anytime soon. It is a very sad commentary to where we have come. I don't live in N.Y. though not far from it, and I fear than any one of these candidates and their different pieces of baggage, are going to undo all the improvements that have been made over the past two administrations (except for gay marriages).
(23) FlaGuy954, August 6, 2013 4:49 PM
A leopard can't change his spots.
Anthony Weiner will not change. He said he would when he resigned but resumed the same behaviors again. He has about as much chance of changing as pedophile clergy do - slim to none. He needs to step aside from his present political ambitions, address his issues privately, and move on to a life out of the spotlight.
(22) Anonymous, August 5, 2013 11:58 PM
The article would have been much better...
...if it had not included Mr Weiner. The article really has little to do with him or his problems. Mention of him seems irrelevant to the true message of the article. Many people have no idea about who he is or what the current controversy is about and even fewer will know by next Elul or in the future (hopefully). And a few who commented display unhelpful biases or ignorance. Hardly a good tool to bring change to the average reader (and most likely, no help for Mr Weiner).
Fran P., August 16, 2015 4:28 PM
Thanks
Your thoughts were going through my head as I read the article. It's a very good article, did we need the hook of Anthony Wiener?
(21) BenLevi, August 5, 2013 5:10 PM
Why should anyone care?
Why should anyone care and why are WE discussing this so much?
He is simply an "Oisvurf" who certainly deserves no appointment to office nor responsibilty in any other position.
Have we become so impervious to gross behavior since the "Clinton Affair" that all is acceptable?
Why is their concern as to whether he can be rehabilitated? Perhaps we, as citizens .... out of sympathy.....should pay for that as well.
mark, August 5, 2013 10:40 PM
100 percent correct
yes
(20) Refael Avraham Yitzchok, August 5, 2013 8:47 AM
Addiction / Compulsion which requires professional help
You are talking about an experienced predator displaying highly compulsive behavior. He compromised society's morals, mores, his marital vows & compromised the future of his career. This man did not emotionally think of his wife or little son but, only his compulsion/addiction. This gentleman definitely has a narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) which needs to be addressed as it will interfere with his everyday functions. Due to his compulsivity, it is highly questionable that he has remorse for his past / present actions. This change will only come through tremendous therapy,some sort of 12 Step program & medication and since he got away with a lot this makes it even harder to be adherent to any form regimen. This man has never sought out pastoral counseling which leads me to believe his faith base is non-existent. His parents mixed marriage and his own marriage to a Muslim woman really doesn't show religious stability. There are no outward signs of spousal abuse but they're definitely there. Muslim men unlike Jewish men have extramarital affairs and it is not frowned upon by their community if anything, it's expected. The man is in denial and as long as he continues without intense therapy his addiction / compulsion will continue and flourish. No, Mr. Weiner does not want to change as he has already stated he is cured. Change can only take place if individuals come to the realization that in order to make a change, they must seek the professional help of a therapist, clergy and in some cases take medication. And He shall judge between many peoples and reprove mighty nations afar off; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nations shall not lift the sword against nation; neither shall they learn war anymore.
(19) Anonymous, August 5, 2013 3:37 AM
wow, i did not his wife was Muslim
But that is not the problem.... It primarily stems from the fact that he was lying to her AND the voters. What a jerk!
(18) mark a.shaw, August 5, 2013 3:13 AM
Chaya, what a rough crowd. Apparently the commenters didn't read clearly or believe what you wrote. Must be nice to not have to be forgiven for anything. The new covenant which was mentioned is a prophesy which has yet to be fulfilled may Mashiach be revealed immediately, Baruch Hashem. Anthony, seek Teshuvah!
Refael Avraham Yitzchock, August 5, 2013 1:51 PM
Teshuva? Repentance?
Mr. Shaw, Weiner definitely has a narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) which needs to be addressed as it will interfere with his everyday functions. First, he desperately needs tremendous professional help to treat through therapy and medication his narcissim before he can come to the reality that he's done anything wrong. Teshuva is an admittance to 'ourselves' that 'we' acknowledge that we have done a transgression. Weiner is in constant denial of his illness & his wife goes along with it, as she wants a husband & doesn't want a divorce yet. May all the wishes of your heart should be for the good.
drbill, August 5, 2013 10:13 PM
Take a chill pill
Mr. Yitzchock, you never have examined Mr. Weiner. So much tension comes through your writing style. Medicine does not treat narcissism or most other personality disorders. Weiner, the oisvurf, is not open to very much right now. As for the article overall, each of us has the opportunity to do tshuva. What a great gift from HaShem.
(17) Anonymous, August 5, 2013 1:53 AM
He's sick
We consider "flashers" to require treatment. He obviously does .
(16) Fred, August 5, 2013 1:26 AM
Weiner is a total idiot. He has a lot of Chutzpah to expect that anyone would show him the least respect. He aspires to high office on a sordid basis. How brainless.
Holy Shirt, August 6, 2013 4:29 PM
Why do we deny that hungry Americans will do to us what hungry Germans did in the Holocaust?
Why wouldn't Weiner expect what has worked quite well for Jackson, Rangel, the Clintons, Obama and countless others will also work for him? In his 1992 book 'DUMBTH: The Lost Art of Thinking,' entertainment giant and prolific author Steve Allen clearly identified the problem. He must be spinning in his grave.
(15) mina, August 5, 2013 12:23 AM
re: leadership
his constant lack of moral judgement shows he cannot lead no matter what tshuva he is going to do. also the fact that he is married to someone whose family has ties to radical islam is a red flag. nice of you to be so generous but not on NYC dime
(14) Anonymous, August 4, 2013 10:12 PM
shocked!
I am very surprised that there is an article about Weiner on a reputable website like Aish.com! Since he married an Arab woman and had a child with her, I think he should not even have the privilege of having his name associated with the Jewish people and Aish.com
Der Litvak, August 5, 2013 8:00 AM
Who cares?
He still has a neshama. You think anyone who has sinned needs to be cut of from the jewish people?
Anonymous, August 5, 2013 9:06 AM
Humility
Weiner has distanced himself from the Jewish world through his marriage and his behavior. He pursues secular values. Instead devoting himself to healing his marriage and getting rid of this addiction, he debases his wife into making a speech supporting his election campaign. He makes her an accomplice. Seeking true repentance and recovery would mean retiring from public office and focusing his efforts on healing. Clearly, his wife and Hashem are not priorities. It is true that his wife is of Muslim origin, but she is a human being as well. Should he really divorce his wife and destroy his family, because of her background? It sure isn't ideal and doesn't make things easier, but he has to make the best out of the current situation: inclusion instead of exclusion. Humility & repentance are values that do not seem to be integral to the man who wants to manage NY but cannot even cope his own urges. It is a sad story.
(13) Anonymous, August 4, 2013 5:50 PM
You don't get it : he's a pathological psycho, more exactly an exhibitionist, therefore he'll keep on telling he's ashamed for the sake of being forgiven - politicaly convenienl reasons only. As an exhibitionist, his pleasure derives from exposure, therefore his pathology may only be treated by psychiatric treatment. Weiner can not change through any therapy linked to judaism! this would be self-deceit : he was born with this pathological tendency and only a very good psychiatrist may found out the roots of his problem - and maybe cure him
(12) Maya, August 4, 2013 5:00 PM
good comments, wrong example
Mr. Weiner is an embarrassment to the Jewish people and should not be used as an example.
(11) Susan, August 4, 2013 4:46 PM
Teahuvah 2033
Same values in both old and new covenant. Return to G-d. Pretty simple. It's up to Anthony Weiner. No one else can judge, only the lord. Susan
(10) unlisted, August 4, 2013 4:42 PM
Weiner needs to do t'shuvah for more than just his sexual conduct
While Anthony Weiner's sexual philandering is disgusting and a chillul Hashem, I'm more concerned that this Jewish man married a Muslim woman, and that she has close terrorist (and Clinton) connections. He'd have to divorce and renounce her to do t'shuvah for that!
Moshe Gindi, August 14, 2013 12:10 AM
Weiner's not Jewish
Don't call Weiner a Jewish man. His mother is Catholic and she did not convert. More important, Weiner himself did not convert to Judaism. Even Weiner says he's Jewish, most recently at the mayorial primary debates just held this evening.
(9) ron, August 4, 2013 4:35 PM
To lchange lhe has to ldivorce the member of Muslim Brotherhood
His sexual aberrations are mild compared to his marriage to a sister and daughter of active Muslim Brotherhood members. His change should start with divorce.
(8) Stuart Weiss, August 4, 2013 4:30 PM
Mr. Weiner not worth the price of this article.
Mr. Weiner, on his best day, not worth the price of this comment.
(7) Barbara, August 4, 2013 4:19 PM
He needs treatment
Mr Weiner is in need of treatment for his sexual addiction. This treatment requires a skilled professional. But begins with the admission that he needs help
(6) Marla, August 4, 2013 3:24 PM
The ROOT has to be dealt with!
Anthony's perversions seem to be embarrassing to everyone BUT him........In order to "change"...one must be motivated! This man seems to have issues that have gone by undealt with--as they say "you can't HEAL it if you can't FEEL it! The audacity of his perverted behavior played out with seemingly no REAL regard for the gravity of it implies that his deep-seeded issues are deeper than he acknowledges. The perversions are the SYMPTOMS--To continue a campaign for being a LEADER is, at this point, out of touch with any moral compass whatsoever. His wife must have plenty of big-time issues herself to be willing to expose herself and her son to this kind of public humiliation. Some things just need to be handled privately--If he has ANY sense of ethics, he would stop this campaign madness. drop out and get some major help. Will his EGO allow it? Only time will tell.
(5) Irene Bowman PhD, August 4, 2013 3:23 PM
Insight to change
He has to have the insight to change and addiction and narcissistic behaviors are disorders which need professional as well as spiritual help The origins are deep seated and have developed over his life span.
(4) Anonymous, August 4, 2013 2:57 PM
...it's not what anthony weiner did....
....it's what he didn't do. morals has nothing to do with this. he was just a lousy congressman, who never wrote one piece of meaningful legislation, never delivered for his district, and was demoted by then majority leader pelosi as official attack dog...and that...because of his abrasive and arrogant personality....he did very well.
(3) Paula, August 4, 2013 2:56 PM
Change is between Mr. Wiener and G-d
Change is between Mr. Wiener and G-d. The people of New York and this country deserve a better candidate then one who's last desperate attempt to save himself is the truth.
(2) SusanE, August 4, 2013 2:32 PM
Once a pervert always a pervert.
Will he keep on with his behavior as long as he believes he won’t get caught. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Of course he will. He's ALREADY been caught, so that is a moot point. His odd mind doesn't care about being known for his perversions. The question should be is his skewed mind fit for any office where he has any leadership. Sexual perversions in men don't change because there is nothing as exciting to replace them with. They thrive on being hidden and occult. Now his addiction will grow since it is no longer hidden from public. Privately it's been known to others. This isn't his only problem.
Baruch Ben-Yosef, August 4, 2013 4:10 PM
AGREED!
Susan's right: once a pervert, always a pervert. Weiner and similar people need help, but our current treatments for these problems don't work well at all. If he runs for mayor - or anything else - he should get zero votes.
Alla, August 4, 2013 11:37 PM
unusual sexual behaivor has a reason
Veiner probably has a problem in his marriage. He might do not satisfied with his wife. So he has to compensate. In this situation it is not possible to change his behaivor
(1) Jewish Mom, August 4, 2013 7:43 AM
Clarifying the 4 steps plus 1more
Step #2 - Talk it out. In Jewish sources, this step is called vidui. An essential component of vidui is specifying the wrongdoing. It's not enough to say "I messed up" - one must spell out the mess-up and take responsibility for it (e.g. I hurt so and so's feelings by putting her down in public).
Step #4 Return to truth, known in Jewish sources as kabbala al ha'atid - positive resolution for the future. Of course this includes resolving never to return to the negative behavior that one just discontinued, verbally admitted to and regretted. But it must also include a game plan; what will prevent us from not repeating the negative behavior unless we analyze what brought us to that point and what we plan to change in order to be able to control ourselves in the future? Must we totally avoid the situation? Use mental imagery to experience how we will react differently when faced with a similar circumstance? Go to therapy to work out the issues that brought us to slip? Work out a plan!
These 4 steps are true for both sins between man and G-d (e.g. eating non-kosher, desecrating Shabbat) and for interpersonal sins (e.g. abuse, slander, stealing). However, for interpersonal sins, there is an additional step:
STEP #5 is appeasing the person(s) one has harmed.
May we all have much success these next 40 days in our efforts towards personal growth!