I suffer from an anxiety disorder which includes bouts of clinical depression. Although this illness is usually hushed up and kept secret, one in ten people suffer right along with me, each in their self-imposed silence.
I share my story with the hope of educating others to understand the dynamics of emotional illness and what it’s like to be caught in its tight grip. Perhaps as a result of my words greater sensitivity and compassion will prevail and others will react to a sufferer’s pain accordingly.
I was a typical child and teen. I had many friends and was successful both academically and socially. When I reached my early 20s, without any warning whatsoever, I began to experience debilitating panic attacks.
How can I explain a panic attack to someone who has never experienced one? Think of the fear you’d feel if a criminal would be holding you and your loved ones at gunpoint, slowly pulling the trigger before your disbelieving eyes. Imagine the frantic thoughts of danger and despair that would quickly overwhelm you, the frenetic pounding of your racing heart, and the ragged gasps of air as you tried to breathe through lungs that seemed to have stopped working properly. Imagine your clammy skin dripping with cold sweat, your stomach muscles convulsing in painful spasms, your entire body shaking as if with a mind of its own. Imagine the pain, the fear, and the helplessness of it all.
My world turned upside down when, as a carefree 21-year-old, I began to experience panic attacks on a regular basis that left reeling.
For those suffering from anxiety disorder, this is the panic they can feel out of the blue as they wait on line in the grocery to buy a loaf of bread. My world turned upside down when, as a carefree 21-year-old, I began to experience these attacks on a regular basis that left me reeling from the intense fear.
After months of suffering in silence, the attacks disappeared as suddenly as they came and I went on with my life thinking the whole strange episode was behind me. I married and began a family but soon the panicky feelings returned, this time with other symptoms as well. I began to have terrible trouble concentrating and focusing as unwanted intrusive thoughts began to flood my mind. These thoughts were the antithesis of who I was and what I stood for and shocked me to the core. I, a young religious loving mother, had irrational fears of intentionally abandoning my Jewish observance, violently harming my children and loved ones, and thoughts of committing acts of immorality and blasphemy. These thoughts became “stuck” in my mind 24/7, like a broken record, and my feelings of panic skyrocketed as I was forced to contend with the monster that I erroneously thought I was becoming.
A Shadow of My Former Vibrant Self
After years of intense suffering I learned that I was suffering from yet another aspect of anxiety disorder called Pure O – a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that manifests itself primarily through mental obsessions. Yet at the time I did not realize this and was living a nightmare. Along with the panic and OCD, or perhaps as a result of it, I began to experience significant depression. I was emotionally worn down trying to constantly fight the anxiety attacking me and began feeling weepy and lethargic. I also had trouble eating and sleeping and felt as if I was living in the midst of a thick dark cloud.
I was surrounded by an anxiety-ridden darkness and felt that there was no hope.
I was raising my young family as best as I could, but I was a shadow of the vibrant and upbeat person I once was. I finally reached a point where I felt I simply could not go on. I couldn’t concentrate, I was plagued by panic, and frightening intrusive thoughts sucked the joy of life out of me. I valiantly tried reading self-help books, exercising and even tried strengthening myself with herbs and vitamins but I did not find the relief I was seeking. I was surrounded by an anxiety-ridden darkness and felt that there was no hope. I could not enjoy the sweet embrace of a child. I was merely living on autopilot, mechanically going through the motions and felt that I wanted to die and leave all the pain, condemnation, and humiliation behind.
Despite the severity of my pain, my suffering was not obvious to others; I hid my condition very well. To everyone I was Esti the well-dressed young mom down the street with the cute kids. But those closest to me saw through my façade and my husband, on the advice of his mentor, took me to an experienced psychiatrist who took one look at me in my terrible state and immediately started me on an anti-depressant.
Those Little Pills
At first I hated taking the pills. I felt like a complete failure. I had been brought up in a culture which erroneously believes that taking psychiatric medicine for anxiety and depression is a cop out, a sign of weakness, a reflection of an inept individual who lacks fortitude and vision.
I erroneously believed that taking psychiatric medicine for anxiety and depression was a sign of weakness. How wrong I was.
How wrong I was. An anti-depressant simply regulates a chemical imbalance in the brain and raises the level of an important neurotransmitter called serotonin. It has nothing to do with a person’s inner strengths and weaknesses. It has nothing to do with one’s level of trust in God. Depression and anxiety is caused by a physical imbalance coming from the brain which is a physical organ. By taking an anti-depressant, my anxiety and depressive symptoms eased considerably, putting the ground back under me so that I could focus on healing. I still had plenty of hard work before me, internal work and soul searching that no pill could take the place of.
One of the hardest feats I had to accomplish was accepting I had an emotional ailment and still continue to love and respect myself unconditionally. This was even harder than getting through the day in a daze of panic, OCD, and depression. By accepting my illness, I was recognizing that I was different than others, and that hurt. For years I struggled to come to terms with my condition and my need to medication for the rest of my life. When I finally reached a level of true acceptance I experienced a serenity of spirit that continues to help me each and every day.
Acceptance and Gratitude
Thank God today I am a devoted wife, mother, colleague and an active member of my community. And I continue to take my little white pill each and every day. I have reached a point where I can say out loud, “I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression and I love and accept myself exactly how God created me.” I did not do anything to cause this disorder. Despite what others may think, there does not have to be abusive situations or family dysfunction involved. Many people suffer from a biochemical predisposition to anxiety and depression without any major environmental trigger. My brain does not produce enough serotonin - it is simple as that. It is no different than a diabetic whose pancreas does not produce enough insulin. I have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of. With my daily anti-depressant thank God I am myself again and able to experience life to its fullest. I shudder to think of the suffering I and my family would have continued to go through had I had not gotten professional help.
My illness has actually impacted my life in a positive way. It’s trained me to become more humble, recognizing that our lives are ultimately not fully in our control. I recognize that when I feel happy, ready to face the world with vim and vigor, it is not because “I’m made of strong stuff;” it’s because God is granting me the amazing gift of a pure heart and clear mind. The gift of emotional health is truly the most precious gift of them all and should never be taken for granted.
I’ve learned to see others as I see myself – good people who are trying their best to cope with whatever challenges they are facing.
Realizing how truly dependent we are on the Almighty has strengthened my faith and trust in God immensely, and has expanded my sense of gratitude. It’s so clear to me how every day of health, days where life beckons to me as a wondrous adventure full of beauty and promise, is a supreme gift, one that I can never take for granted.
I have also become more tolerant of others. I used to be a rather critical, quick-tempered person. I have learned to see others as I see myself – good people who are trying their best to cope with whatever challenges they are facing. We are all works in progress and we all make mistakes. Some days our hardships weigh us down pushing us to make wrong choices. When I see others in such a state I feel empathy, not self-righteous condemnation, and try hard to not judge them.
Being afflicted with anxiety and depression has trained me to live life in the precious present moment. The medication I take helps to take away the feeling of despair but it’s not a perfect art. It does not make me into a happy robot without free choice; it simply helps put the ground back under me that I can reach the level where I can activate my free choice. I need to learn how to find meaning in life and focus on the positive just like everyone else. I still need to consciously make the choice to enjoy the seemingly small things in life. I also need to nurture myself, eat nutritiously, exercise daily and carve out time for relaxation and recreation. These are not extras. Most of all I pray to God to reward my efforts with the precious gift of a healthy body and mind.
Clinical anxiety and depression are authentic illnesses. The hell that sufferers go through is compounded greatly by the subtle or not so subtle vibes of those around them who blame and criticize the victim instead of encouraging them to get the professional help they need. Is it fair to blame and order those with leukemia to stop acting so weak and to get themselves together again? Mental illness is no different. The brain is just as much a part of the body as one’s blood cells.
Although most of us suffering from mental illness would not have chosen this challenge, in truth it was tailor-made for our tikkun, our soul’s rectification in this world. One day, I tell myself over and over, I will understand why I needed to go through all the pain and suffering. But for now I try not to focus on “why” but on “what” – what does God want me to do? And I eagerly await for the day when all sadness, despair and hardship will disappear as the dust in the wind and in its place is understanding, healing and completion.
With thanks to Chazkeinu, a project of Shabbat.com. Chazkeinu is a peer-led project supporting Jewish women with any mental illness, along with their family members and friends. To find out more information about Chazkeinu, visit www.chazkeinu.org.
(31) Hannah, September 28, 2018 4:48 AM
Many ways to get help!
A dear friend was suffering from panic disorder and we discovered together that she was NOT DRINKING ENOUGH LIQUIDS. In almost a miraculous way, increasing her daily intake of water to three liters a day, lowered her blood pressure, and of course caused the blood in her body to circulate efficiently which brought the necessary oxygen and nutrients to her brain. Most of the phone calls I receive as a medical practitioner are from women who describe symptoms that are almost always the symptoms of dehydration. In America they say "8 cups of water a day." In Israel, it is TWELVE cups of day". More efficient to drink from a liter bottle... three of them, then to rely on small cups and try to remember how much did I drink today?? Add water to the list essential ways to alleviate anxiety!
Yes, we really need to be more aware of what is NOT normal, and seek help and get support. For myself, coming into contact with different people throughout the years I did not have any awareness of what was happening when my friends, neighbors, or family members described bizarre things or suffered from anxiety, postpartum depression or psychosis ... I thought they just needed "more love, more understanding, more visible support, etc." I didn't understand there was something much more complicated going on. A close relative recommended and sent me a copy of Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. This is a life-changing book for everyone struggling with mental illness to read.
(30) Anonymous, March 9, 2017 6:02 AM
Hi esti wanted to know how you feel now and how did you get over this feeling? Do you think it was the antidepressant or therapy?
(29) Toby, October 27, 2016 5:14 AM
Esty- you are amazing!!
I am suffering from depression and bpd. Thank you for your kind words. I don't suffer from anxiety (may Hashem keep U healthy)but the rest of it really spoke to me. You were talking about me.Thank you for bringing this important topic to the table. And for giving an emotionally healthy person a glimpse of our daily lives.
(28) Anonymous, October 26, 2016 8:49 PM
No different than a diabetic
I liked Esti's explanation of the phsyiology of this disorder: her brain simply does not produce enough serotonin; just like a diabetic does not produce enough insulin.
Seen this way, the anxiety disorder is not a sign of some moral or ethical deficiency -- but a medical issue that needs to be treated in a medical fashion (along with other modalities). This perspective helps remove the guilt that one may feel for her condition.
How encouraging that there are effective treatments that did not exist a generation ago. Thanks Esti for sharing your experience and wisdom.
(27) Anonymous, October 26, 2016 8:48 PM
stigma still persists
How can I prove that we still view mental illness differently than physical illness. If Esti were writing about her challenge of living with diabetes or some physical handicap, she would include her last name in the byline. I noticed the same habit of excluding surnames for single women searching for their soulmates. May she doesn't want her kids to feel exposed. I don't blame her at all. But let's not pretend that the stigma has been removed.
BTW I write not as an observer of similar problems but as the mother of a sufferer and to some degree as one myself.
We have a long way to go....
(26) Anonymous, October 26, 2016 1:52 PM
I think the reason that people are so quick to misjudge mental illness is that it's almost impossible to perceive it. Cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses can be seen, albeit through a microscope. Mental illness is almost impossible to perceive. I'm an ADDer and there are people who think it's as simple as "try harder." One psychiatrist said that telling someone with ADD to try harder is like telling a near-sighted person to squint harder. And then there are those who think that anxiety is just worrying or that depression is just sadness and they think they know what caused it. Esti, thank you for sharing. We all need to learn more about these things.
(25) shilvib puri, October 24, 2016 3:24 AM
HOW RIGHT REALISTIC THE AUTHOR IS
i have had attacks of major depression. i came finally to similar conclusions being a psychologist myself that there is nothing to be ashamed of taking drug therapy in combination of psychotherapy
(24) Anonymous, October 23, 2016 1:32 PM
The family disease..
My father suffered from depression in the 60s and didn't get the best help. One sister and I seemed to inherit the anxiety depression disorder, too. My own experience occurred during a time when the effective drugs were not as available. My approach (probably learned from a strong mother who survived the Holocaust) was to "never let it get to me" and "work even harder" so I pushed myself to do everything, but still suffered terrible anxiety and panic; the big secret. In time, I did find an effective drug, which made a huge difference. Finally I could feel calm again, after years of always being on the run. I did not stay on the drug and my body calmed down so much that I've been much better for many years. However, my daughter is now showing all the same signs and I am now forced to revisit the pain of my past. Sadly, she will not accept the help of therapy and drugs. Currently, she goes from one medical disease to another, "I have this, I have that" all fueled by strangers on the internet. Currently she is certain she has lyme disease. Bottom line: if someone is open to therapy and drugs (possibly short-term, it's case by case) there really is a better, happy life. It's the person who fights this illness and won't seek the proper help who seems to suffer most. Also, last thought: not sure if this is what helped me, but I gave up the one task in life that caused so much stress (freeway driving), it wasn't worth the daily anxiety. Possibly a bit of defeat, but it made life so much easier. Life is just imperfect. Happy to have renewed my Judaism later in life, which has brought more structure and understanding (and beauty) to this crazy world.
(23) Serena Shira, October 23, 2016 8:57 AM
Another resource
Go to Nami.org for a social support group, online. It helps me. Maybe we can make a Jewish one? To all of my fellows in this-you rock, you're strong, you've gone through more pain than lots of people. Be proud of yourselves
(22) Anonymous, October 23, 2016 3:15 AM
My experience with anxiety
Hi thx for sharing your story. Id like to recommend a website that literally changed my life called anxietynomore.org, a website made by a former anxiety sufferer. Of course complete recovery will not happen overnight, it takes time to overcome such a condition but it's possible, I know from personal experience. My advice: Whenever ur experiencing any symptom of anxiety/depression/panic attacks refer to this website and youll almost instantly feel calmer and at ease. Here's why: any symptom of anxiety and depression u may be feeling is triggered by a thought, so reading about other people who have similar experiences helps put the mind at ease, which is hard to do when your thoughts are irrational and false. It took me two years to over come my 25 years of anxiety but I B"H made it through to the other side. I am not a Doctor, just sharing what worked for me. Hatzlacha
(21) Esti, October 23, 2016 12:45 AM
thank you to all for feedback
Thank you so much to all readers who have offered feedback to my article. My heart goes out to all those who have written about their own experiences with anxiety and depression. To all those who despair of having a good life due to this disorder please know that there is a future for you. A wonderful future full of happiness and meaning. This article can not adequately describe the terrible emotional pain I was in for so many years I truly saw no way out and each day of life was excruciating. Fast forward until today... With the right medication, guidance, and encouragement from the right people, I am totally fine today living the life I thought I would never be able to have. So my message to you all is DONT GIVE UP! Hashem cares about you more than you realize and can bring healing in the blink of an eye. I also want to let the public know that there is a very effective self-help program run by the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. (run by Lucinda Basset). Although this program is secular it is very true to Torah values and worth every penny. Their info. is online and worth looking into... Once again thanks for the feedback and good wishes. I am so happy that Aish is helping to spread awareness about emotional illness which is more prevalent than people think.
(20) Judith, October 22, 2016 11:41 PM
Check out Dr David Rosmarin's work
There was an article on this website by Sara Rigler called "God vs. Prozac" about a very difference approach in dealing with anxiety, and an article by David Rosmarin called "Spirituality and Mental Health."
And chemical imbalances in the brain have never been proven.
Anonymous, October 23, 2016 9:31 AM
where do you get your info. from?
Refer to any reputable medical book concerning psychiatry and theywill show you with proofs and all that emotional and mental illness is all about imbalances in brain chemistry.This is why medication is effective for so many and a major breakthrough in the field. Unfortunately without the current information and research available past generations suffered much more. And the article "G-d vs Prozac" was geared for those suffering from mild anxiety not clinical levels where outside intervention is exactly what G-d would expect of us.
Judith, October 27, 2016 7:35 PM
The Psychiatrists Themselves Say So
Read "Unhinged: The Trouble With Psychiatry - A Doctor's Revelations about a Profession in Crisis" by Dr. Carlat, for example. He, a practicing psychiatrist, says there is no proof to the chemical imbalance theory of depression.
He says the scientific literature contains thousands of papers proposing neurobiological theories to explain PTSD, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and other psychiatric disorders but these theories remain unproven! He says, "the shocking truth is that psychiatry has yet to develop a convincing explanation for the pathophysiology of any illness at all."
Judy, October 30, 2016 4:34 PM
misleading info.
one person on the fringe of science is not a reliable source when held up against knowledge amassed over decades of professional scientific research.Please consider that in promoting such a minority view you are misleading the public
Anonymous, October 24, 2016 12:14 AM
Quoting one paragraph from "God vs Prozac"
Medication is often necessary to help people suffering from chemical imbalance, and no one should feel guilty that they are taking medication, nor see it as an indictment of their level of faith. People diagnosed with clinical depression should not use this article as an excuse to go off their meds. However, David Rosmarin wondered whether his own experience with increasing trust in God could help people suffering from low levels of anxiety. This paragraph is a direct quote from the Sara Rigler article called "God vs Prozac".
(19) Anonymous, October 22, 2016 6:49 PM
Suffering
I am with you. Anxiety and OCD for so long now. Depression has set in. Can't be myself near ppl. Too much of a need to impress. Married but OCD if married the right one. A nightmare of tormenting questions. Tried the pills. It helped a little after Rav Chaim said I should try them. Went off cuz I was dating. Life is getting better but it's a slow process of getting to know myself better and understanding the process of thought. Also it helps to be kind to myself in my behaviors throughout the day. Have compassion for yourself. Your going thru some tough ordeals! I feel bad for the sufferers. It's so painful. And noone understands you. But it is beatable. I have seen it. Not perfect. But very good. Without pills. But pills might help. Don't wanna feel like a wussy so I'm skipping them for now. I hope I don't regret it.... Thank you author
(18) Barbara Reese, October 21, 2016 4:02 PM
Thank you for your article.
Thank you so very much for your article. I am 69 years young and began to suffer (heavy word to use), but best I can describe what you have experienced. I also had a good childhood, and after marrying at the age of 19 began to experience physical and verbal abuse. Those episodes took the anxiety, panic, ocd, extreme fear and everything you described to the max. At my young age, this was an unknown malady in my generation. The situation being untreated developed into full blown agoraphobia, fear of leaving home and doing almost anything, as you said I was simply surviving, and the mother of a little girl at that time. It was if I may use the word "a living hell". My pregnancy with my son catapulted me out of some of the worst part. I gave my life to God within a few years and His Word began to make major changes in my life, but Istill had to deal with so many issues you wrote about. Passing through the last few decades, my relationship with God has deepened, and I am like a new person. Yes, I too grappled with the rx and what others would think,etc. I am thrilled to be 69 because as a young woman I truly did not see much of a future. My faith in God, The Holy One of Israel, has blessed me in so many ways, Jeremiah 29:11. I have had the blessing of travelling to Israel 5 times, and with His guidance, will go again in March 2017! When I look back, which I try not to do but only to give Him glory for what He has done in my life, I rejoice in each day even with trials of life, because of His guidance and help. Blessings to you for your honesty and explaination of your journey. You also have a wonderful future.!
(17) jim, October 21, 2016 7:15 AM
yes, we are all different
i had a spell, it accumulated and grew into a serious depression and anxiousness and edged toward paranoia. i was on meds for 4-5 years during which things began to change. i started noticing the effects of the pills more than my illness, my illness was decreasing in fact, getting less, at the same time i was becoming more and more dopey-feeling from the meds. i said nothing to the drs., i kept monitoring myself as i faithfully took the meds, after all, the pills must have been needed and curative, so after a few months of thinking ahead, i took myself off the regimen of drugs, and used otc aspirin and allergy med for subs. it worked and i have been cleared now by the same drs plus other psychs as well, been about 2 years now...BUT REMEMBER everyone is different! my best prayers to you, shalom.
(16) Jessica, October 21, 2016 3:00 AM
Thank you
Thank you for this article that I can relate to. I've had anxiety since I first turned 13 and now I'm 31 and it has increased at different times in my life. I had to go on medication even though I didn't want to always be on it, but it also helped me to get back on my feet so I can function clearly without a million other thoughts and irrational fears, not to mention physically sweating etc, preventing me from focusing on living and enjoying life. I have heard it looked down upon to take the medicine but you have to do what is best for you so you can be a happy healthy mother and wife.
(15) Chaim, October 20, 2016 11:48 PM
Thank you!
Thank you for expanding my awareness about this disorder.My wife is an incredible woman who brings joy to the whole family yet she too has bouts of anxiety and depression. I always try to just ignore this part of her because I feel uncomfortable not really understanding it...This article made it quite clear how it is just an imbalance that can be corrected.Its not her its a disorder affecting her.I think that I will convince her to get help why should she continue to suffer like this?Like the author stated would I ignore her symptoms if they were related to leukemia? This article really brought this point across very well so thank you! ps do any readers know about this "chazkeinu' organization? I would love to hear feedback and maybe pass it on to my wife
Tamar, October 23, 2016 7:45 PM
Chazkeinu
I am one of the co-founders of Chazkeinu. We are a peer led mental health support group for Jewish women with any mental illness or female family members of those with mental illness. We have two support calls weekly in addition to a member list and partner program. To receive more information about our services, call 314-346-7414 or email chazkeinu@gmail.com.
(14) Anonymous, October 20, 2016 7:21 PM
Thank you
It's been suggested to me a few times that I should try medication. Not yet by anyone professional. I always said that there's no way I'd even think about it. But now, I'll think about it. Thank you.
(13) Anonymous, October 20, 2016 6:03 PM
We suffer in silence
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20s after displaying symptoms for about 10 years. Once I was (finally) on a medication regimen that corrected the chemical imbalance in my brain, things got much better. I still see my therapist weekly, which has helped tremendously over the many years. However, after having a baby, I developed post partum depression, and medications needed to be adjusted. When that wasn't enough, I began electoconvulsive therapy (ECT) to manage the depression. ECT saved my life. I had come close to taking my life prior to ECT, whereas now I am mentally stable enough to approach life's challenges with an attitude of "how can I make this better?", rather than giving up. Like the author stressed, mental illness is just as much a biochemical illness as diabetes or cancer, and people with it can't "snap out of it." It DOES NOT go away, but it can be managed well. (In reference to the previous comment, it does not simply start one day, just like someone does not wake up one day with diabetes; it is a process of chemical changes in the brain over time.) Even though I am doing well now, I hesitate to tell people of my diagnosis because of overwhelming misunderstanding of mental illness. My dream is for there to be improvement in people's understanding and perception of people who have mental illness, and with that, a push for improvement in mental health care and early detection and treatment.
(12) Anonymous, October 20, 2016 4:18 PM
IMPORTANT !
IMPORTANT !!
For Esti and others :
Try removing gluten and lactose / casein because these nutrients cause physiological problems but also psychological problems: schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety, stress, depression, emotional disorders, etc.
Kol Touv!
shoshi, October 21, 2016 7:58 AM
Your comment feeds into the stigma associated with taking medication for mental illness. You can't cure cancer with removing gluten from a diet. You can't cure mental illness with that either
Batya, October 23, 2016 10:14 PM
Evidence?
I have spent years studying the effects of foods on the body (I am a registered dietitian) and have NOT EVEN ONCE found a shred of hard evidence to support your statements. Anecdotal "evidence", such as "it worked for my friend" is not evidence, but rather conjecture. Please stop perpetuating baseless beliefs. Mental illness cannot be cured through diet alone.
[Note: For your statement to be true that gluten/lactose/casein cause all the psychological problems mentioned above, one would have to prove that these naturally occurring proteins (gluten/casein) and sugars (lactose) cause all the various chemical changes in the brain that have been proven numerous times. Since the chemical changes in the brain for each of these conditions are highly different one from the other, it would be virtually impossible for these 3 nutrients to be responsible for all the numerous chemical imbalances. If the claim is that all psychological illness stems from the same chemical imbalance, one caused by the aforementioned nutrients, that statement has been disproven in an abundance of scientific studies.]
(11) Shoshana, October 20, 2016 3:24 PM
Thank you!
So important to hear and understand! Thank you for your openness and strength.
(10) Anonymous, October 20, 2016 3:16 PM
Generalised anxiety disorder and mild psychosis when very stressed
I have recently been diagnosed with high functioning ASD and ADD. These are two seperate conditions that I was born with due to an imbalance in my brain. Due to the difficulties I have had because of my condition I got generalised anxiety disorder and mild psychosis when very stressed and have had very bad depression and had a very bad breakdown at about 29 years old.I have now had my diagnosis and I'm 50 years old! I would advise anyone who suffers with anxiety etc to get a diagnosis. I'm now taking medication and feel much better. Also being aware of my condition has greatly helped. Shalom
(9) Tzvia, October 20, 2016 2:07 PM
Thank you for posting this article!
Thank you so much for posting this article! Yes, anxiety and depression ARE this pervasive, and yes, there are peaks and lulls. Everyone experiences differently and has different triggers and varying degrees of severity, but many common symptoms described in the article manifest in all sufferers. Although the stigmas of mental and emotional illness are easing and the treatments for them are starting to become more excepted, we still have a long way to go, especially in many Jewish communities. These struggles often cause a profound sense of shame to the sufferer and even those close to him or her. Many view themselves or those they know with these challenges, as being broken or defective, or weak, as Esti writes above. Please let this be the beginning of a dialogue of understanding, compassion, support, and ahavat yisrael. May we better understand and help ourselves, and have the ability and strength to then empathize with others.
(8) Yael, October 20, 2016 12:41 PM
Kol Hakavod!
What a brave and important article! Thank you for sharing. Even those that don't suffer themselves have someone they love who does. Chag sameach!
(7) Anonymous, October 20, 2016 11:50 AM
so kind of you to share your story and help others
(6) Haley, October 20, 2016 7:52 AM
Very moving and very important.
Wow. Thank you for this inspirational message. I, too, suffer from panic disorder and I was amazed at how you describe it so well, as it is very hard to put it into words. As was the case with you, my recovery was only able to happen through acceptance. I wish everyone would learn that lesson easily. May G-d grant you a life of happiness and health.
(5) Manuel, October 19, 2016 7:32 PM
You are not alone
I have been experiencing the same for 30 years now , Phobias, OCD, depression (all diseases of the same family- anxiety disorders), and take the same medication as well (serotonine), I know is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
Thanks to the pills and psychiatric treatments I am better today. Reasons can range from a focused traumatic experience and/or from your upbringing and/or genetic propensity
(4) Anonymous, October 19, 2016 7:14 PM
keep it up!
Dear author,
I strongly thank you for writing this beautiful peace. I suffer from the same anxiety disorder and it always feels good to be reminded that I am not the only one. Although it is sad, many people in our community and outside of our community hide their intrusive thoughts that torture and torment them simply because of shame, thinking they are the only ones who suffer. This disorder is sent directly from Hashem to strengthen us and make us into great people. As jews, we believe that Hashem does not test us with challenges that we can not overcome. If we can spread the awareness to as many people as possible, I am certain that Hashem will smile up in heaven.
(3) Anonymous, October 19, 2016 1:54 PM
in good company
You would be surprised how much you are in good company. There are many of us. Never feel alone. You are doing a great job and try to think positive. It only takes a tiny bit of light to break the darkness.
(2) Deborah, October 19, 2016 1:36 PM
Wishing you a peaceful, happy new year
So sorry you are going through this. Whether someone takes medication or not- natural nutrition, daily exercise and removing yourself from any narcissists in your life definitely helps! May 5777 bring you many happy blessings!
(1) Anonymous, October 14, 2016 3:15 AM
wow!
Dear Esti,
Kol Hakavod for writing this absolutely beautiful and inspiring piece. I too suffer from anxiety and I have come to many of the same conclusions as you have come to. As much as the anxiety pains me, it is also a blessing as it has helped me blossom into the person that I am today. Thank you for writing this article and bringing attention to this very real illness!