I used to think that people with mental illness are incapable, dysfunctional, dumb, and just downright weird. Until I had the distinct honor and pleasure of joining the exclusive club.
After my first child was born I developed severe postpartum depression. Life as I knew it ceased to exist. I had sunken into a deep and dark abyss. Through my journey to recovery and self-discovery I was forced to ask myself probing and painful questions. Who am I? What am I? Does my mental illness define me? Am I a worthy being? What makes a person worthy anyways?
These questions kept on spinning round and round in my head and I was free-falling. I realized I was faced with the hardest choice in my life: I could take the humiliating leap and go for help or continue to let things spiral out of control on the suicidal path that I was heading towards.
Deep down I knew that I wanted to go for help, but how would I be able to look myself in the mirror again? I need help? Do you hear that? I, Rivka Kaufman the great, need help! What does that say about me? Does that make me less of a person?
Based on my explorations in Jewish thought I came to realize that I am not my mental illness, I am what I choose to be. Mental illness is the circumstance God gave me; I am my choices. Needing help is okay. God purposely didn’t make humans perfect. Angels serve that purpose. We human beings are here to work on ourselves, to grow and strive towards perfection using all the tools at our disposal. Therapy and meds are just some of them.
God gives each person a unique mission that only he can fulfil through the circumstances that he was given. King David addresses this when he writes, “I will solve my riddle with a harp” (Psalms, 49:5-6). What riddle is King David referring to and how is a harp going to solve it?
The answer lies in the next verse, “Why do I fear evil in my days?” i.e. what purpose does suffering and challenges serve? Why is life so full of pain? King David solved this riddle with a harp. In order for a harp to produce music you have to pluck its strings. In fact, the harder you pluck the harp's strings the stronger the music that it plays. Challenges and the circumstances that we are given in life are life’s harp strings. How we choose to play those strings determines how much latent potential we bring out.
It’s not the song I would have chosen, but now that it’s mine, it’s up to me to create the music that only I can play.
God doesn’t make mistakes. My mental illness is the sheet of music God gave me. It’s not the song I would have chosen, but now that it’s mine, it’s up to me to master playing it to the best of my ability, to create the music that only I can play.
I asked myself, “How can I take the challenges I’ve been given and use them to become a better person and positively impact the world?” I came up with an approach that’s making a difference; I took my experiences and started to use them to help others. When some friends in my support group wanted to use a particular gifted psychiatrist who wasn’t covered by their health plan, I rose to the challenge and took up the battle with the insurance company. With the help of Chaim V’chessed, we were victorious! Additionally I’m involved in organizing events for people who have mental illness. I also wrote and published a book, What’s Going on with My Mother? – A Jewish Approach to Helping Children Deal with a Parent’s Depression. Geared for kids ages 8 and up, the book helps normalize mental illness and answers many questions that a child may have.
I was once filled with so much self-hate and didn’t believe I was worthy of love. I didn’t think I was capable of accomplishing anything. Having depression and choosing to fight to recover forced me to discover my inner strengths, talents, and capabilities. I’ve become acquainted with parts of myself that I didn’t know existed.
Looking back, I can see how having mental illness has made me into a kinder, more sensitive, and less judgmental person. I’ve come to appreciate more deeply that my value is defined by my internal virtues and choices that I make. It’s not based on what the world sees or thinks about me.
(7) Anonymous, September 28, 2018 4:23 AM
We need to be aware
Yes, I so much appreciate Liz sharing her story. We really need to be more aware of what is NOT normal, and seek help and get support. For myself, coming into contact with different people throughout the years I did not have any awareness of what was happening when my friends or neighbors described bizarre things or suffered from anxiety, postpartum depression or psychosis ... I thought they just needed "more love, more understanding, more visible support, etc." I didn't understand there was something much more complicated going on. A close relative recommended and sent me a copy of Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker. This is a life-changing book for everyone struggling with mental illness to read.
(6) Anonymous, May 13, 2018 8:29 PM
Knowing Rivka, I can attest to everything she wrote! She's a true source of inspiration to all of us!!!
(5) Anonymous, May 13, 2018 3:30 PM
Thank you for being so brave as to share your story. You inspire all of us!
(4) anonymous, May 1, 2018 1:49 AM
BPD in recovery says thank you
Thank you for a wonderful book! My daughter's therapist gave it to her and I saw her reading it when I was having a particularly hard day, or rather weekend. I believe it is helping her deal with the confusion my illness creates for her.
(3) Jennifer, April 29, 2018 6:43 PM
I can so relate!
Thank you for writing this, it just confirms for me that I also need to write about my experiences with mental illness. I had a different route than you, and battled for over 20 years with various stages of it, but the end result is the same. I had to come to the realization that I am NOT my diagnosis! I am me...Jennifer...who happens to have this other thing that I have been handed while here on earth. Since doing that, I have found a new closeness with God and a whole new set of tools to fight with. Again, thank you for sharing :-) it means a lot!
(2) Anonymous, April 29, 2018 6:12 PM
No, it does not send a dangerous message
Some people truly benefit from psycho tropic meds while others benefit from talk therapy. One size does not fit all. The author is NOT sending a dangerous message here. She is merely sharing HER experience with post partym depression. Let’s not shame her.
anonymous, April 30, 2018 11:54 AM
That is not my intention, G-d Forbid
I am truly sorry if the title of my response appeared harsh. I did not intend to put her down and perhaps I should not have used that as my one line summary so I apologize for that. The author of this article sounds like a beautiful person who used her own experience to help others. I am seriously concerned though with the epidemic of psycho-tropic drugs and labeling in our country and in our Jewish communities. I believe it is important to speak up about the dangers of that as well, even though it might be controversial.
Anonymous, May 1, 2018 4:47 PM
Re: Psychotropic drugs and labeling
Once again, it is important to stress that one size does not fit all. A label is nothing more than a tool to help the patient/client. Are people wrongly labeled and/or inappropriate medicated? Of course they are! That is why an evaluation needs to be performed by a competent professional. Also, the patient/client needs to be appropriately followed if she/he is taking psychotropic medications. If a professional is competent, then he/she will act in the patient's best interest.
(1) anonymous, April 29, 2018 2:37 PM
This sends a dangerous message
I am very sorry that you went through post partum depression which is a normal reaction that some women have due to the tremendous hormonal changes in the body that sometimes occur after having a baby. In my situation it was also compounded by having gone through a lot of stress at the time of my birth, including a major move and an abusive husband. While I was never suicidal, my depression was marked with deep bouts of weeping that could happen at any time and a general feeling of sadness and hopelessness. My doctor immediately prescribed an anti-depressant for me and I hated the way it made me feel. I felt like it was masking my true self and after several months I just went off of it (slowly of course to avoid bad withdrawal symptoms), and felt much better. Eventually, I ended up making the necessary changes in my life that truly helped me feel better about myself and I am truly grateful to have found a therapist at the time that did not encourage me to continue or restart medications that are addictive and have dangerous side effects but instead encouraged me to make the necessary changes in my life that were causing me emotional pain. Today we live in a society that normalizes "mental illness", based on the DSM, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of mental illnesses that has basically been created by a small group of psychiatrists with the major backing of the psycho-pharmaceutical industry. This "normalization of mental illness" has now become an epidemic with millions of our youth, teens and adults being "diagnosed and drugged" with all kinds of labels and "questionable mental illnesses" that negatively impact them for life. It is a dangerous road to take and one should be extremely careful before succumbing to the pressure of the psycho-tropic model. The key is finding a good therapist and healer who will not make you a victim of the DSM and drug model but help free and empower you to make healthy decisions to bring you peace of mind.
Alan S., April 29, 2018 11:10 PM
A wonderful article, but 'anonymous' sees something 'dangerous'.
A generally excellent first-person article by Ms. Kaufman, one I thoroughly enjoyed and an article that was as positive on this topic as I've read. Yet, anonymous believes it send a dangerous message possibly because Ms. Kaufman wrote that "...meds are just some of them'., i.e., the tools in the current armamentarium for use by psychiatrists.
I am no expert, but anonymous needs to write her own article for Aish.com about her experiences with depression. But anonymous should not label Ms. Kaufman article and approach, and she did not counsel pharmaceuticals as the only tried and true approach.
Emily, April 29, 2018 11:45 PM
Now this is a dangerous message!
There is no one size fits all. Some people need medicine. Some don't. You must not generalize your experience to all or you will put others at risk for not getting the medical care they require.
Ilana, April 30, 2018 1:22 AM
I agree with you.
Psychiatrists are too pre-occupied with diagnosing, and many times over-diagnose or mis-diagnose mental illnesses, without asking the individual exactly what is going on in their life at the time they are feeling strong emotions.
Anonymous, April 30, 2018 6:01 AM
This is an illuminating comment
You are presenting a very interesting perspective in you comment.