When I was a young rabbi and I first encountered someone with depression, I vividly remember thinking to myself, why can’t he just snap out of it? What does he mean when he says he sleeps most of the day and can’t concentrate on anything? We are all tired and dealing with stress. Just resolve to get out of bed and get going. I remember not being able to understand why he was so depressed. After all, by all measures, his life was pretty good. If he were to just focus on the blessings and simply choose to be positive, he wouldn’t be depressed at all.
Looking back, I am incredibly grateful that I didn’t articulate any of these sentiments to him, but nevertheless, I feel ashamed and even guilty for having being so ignorant and insensitive to what depression is all about.
We perpetrate a terrible disservice by using the exact same word to describe how we feel when our favorite team gets knocked out of the playoffs or when our cell phone breaks, and a chemical, clinical illness that can be debilitating and incapacitating. Clinical depression is not about feeling blue, or down in the dumps or terribly sad. It is a serious illness that can be the result of a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors.
Depression is no more the fault of the person suffering with it than cancer or Alzheimer’s are the fault of someone suffering with one of those conditions. Just as the patient with cancer cannot simply will his or her cancer away and the individual with Alzheimer’s cannot simply determine to stop forgetting, the person with depression cannot just decide to not feel anxious, worthless, or exhausted. It is terribly unfortunate and unacceptable that depression remains stigmatized even today. Having a physical illness can be awkward, but should not be a source of embarrassment or guilt. Similarly, having depression, equally out of one’s control, should not be a source of shame or inadequacy.
If you are experiencing the symptoms of depression like decreased appetite, inability to sleep or excessive sleeping, restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, or thoughts of death, I urge you to seek support. If you recently had a baby and despite the newfound blessing you just can’t get yourself out of your rut, you may be suffering from postpartum depression. You are not the first person to experience this, and you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to a local Rabbi or Rebbetzin who will guide you to the resources and people that can help you without judgment.
Like any illness, depression requires diagnosis, intervention, and treatment. Like all illnesses it also requires the love, patience, understanding, and support of family and friends. However, for the most part, while people extend themselves remarkably to cook meals, shop for groceries, babysit children, or even just send a thoughtful text to check in on someone recovering from cancer or another physical condition, the person with depression or another mental health diseases often feels isolated, alone, neglected, and ignored.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, a perfect time to educate ourselves. As we resolve to be more sensitive, please consider the following:
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Don’t use the term “depressed” unless it is clinically appropriate. Find another way to say you are sad, bummed out, disappointed or feeling blue. Saying you are depressed over a relatively minor issue minimizes the suffering of someone struggling with true depression.
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When someone you know is acting differently or unusual, don’t judge them or jump to assumptions about them. Ethics of the Fathers (2:4) quotes Hillel who said: “Do not judge another until you have stood in his place.” Since it is impossible to stand in another person’s place, to be them, to have their baggage or to live their struggles, we can never judge another. Instead, we should be kind, sensitive, supportive and understanding of everyone around us.
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Never assume you know everything going on in someone’s life or what motivates his or her behavior. Ian Maclaren, the 19th-century Scottish author once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Cut others slack; give people the benefit of the doubt.
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When you know a friend or family member has depression or other mental illness such as bi-polar, anxiety disorder, etc., be as supportive as you would be with someone suffering with a physical illness or disability. Offer help and assistance, check in, and let them know you are just thinking of them. Unlike acute illnesses, most of the time, depression is chronic. Once diagnosed, it can be controlled, lessened, or perhaps, even go into “remission.” But it is never cured. Support will be needed in some form always.
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When reaching out to someone with depression, never judge, criticize or make comparisons. Don’t offer advice or minimize the person’s suffering. Simply listen, be present, and be a friend.
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When someone has depression it places a tremendous burden on other members of the family who often need to take over chores, responsibilities and even produce greater income. Go out of your way to be inclusive of them, to check in on them and seek to unburden them.
(9) Yehudit Sonderer, September 5, 2018 11:15 PM
Depression & mental health issues
As one who has suffered a life of abuse,I have almost "suddenly" become acutely depressed anxious & suffer from complex-ptsd. I'm trying to understand it by learning courses in all areas of psychology in order to understand myself & hopefully retrain to become someone who can help those who suffer. Along with my demon I have s lot of additional health issues not least MS, osteoarthritis. Neuropathic pain (16 different health issues none I can "get rid of") Your notes above are useful, helpful & should be made more aware of. Thank you for a glimmer of a light at the possible end of a very long & dark tunnel.
(8) Miles, July 12, 2015 6:32 PM
Clinical depression is not a life sentence!
With Hashem's blessings anything can be cured! To say depression can never be cured is ignorant and obsequious to the dominant medical system! As an integrative physician I have observed many durable cures.
(7) Rivkah, July 6, 2015 8:50 PM
Needs to be discussed more in schools
I'm glad to see that this topic is being discussed more but as an orthadox clinically depressed teenager approaching the end of high school I feel that staff members should educate the students. there are many children who are suffering while other don't know or even understand the seriousness of mental illness and mock it because they do not realize that people around are to afraid to speak out about it I know I was but I reached out to some trusted adults and friends I know that depression is something I will likely have to fight against my whole life as I was diagnosed when I was relatively young and I only hope that awareness is spread throughout the jewish community
(6) Shoshana - Jerusalem, June 4, 2015 10:51 AM
Postpartum depression
Postpartum depression can be cured if caught immediately. If not, it can become a lifetime illness. PLEASE, don't say, "let's wait another week or two and see what happens". If you have any doubt that you, your wife, or any family member or friend is suffering form depression after giving birth, get help right away, even by the time the baby is two weeks old. Of course, if it's been going on longer, you should still get help. It can never be too soon to get help. It can only be too late.In Israel call " Nitza" an excellent, professional organization with so much love, kindness, experience and understanding. It's also free.<
(5) Anonymous, June 2, 2015 3:57 AM
THANK YOU
Rabbi, Thank you for writing this article. As a mother of a tween daughter dealing with such an internal struggle, your article gave me comfort.
(4) Sarah, June 1, 2015 2:05 PM
excellent info. !
I have suffered with depression for 20 years. I am taking medication that helps me at least get out of bed and dressed for the day. I dont have a job. I have worked before, but got fired alot for too slow of a job, or not doing my job. its an illness like heart disease or high blood pressure. people need to get the stigma out of their heads. there is nothing "wrong" with us, with our neshamas, its just an illness. thank you for reading.
(3) Anonymous, June 1, 2015 8:09 AM
problematic assumption
Thanks for your article. Overall, it contains some important insights. Nevertheless, I think it suggests a dangerous error. You are quite right that depression is in many cases not possible to overcome by "mind over matter." The assumption that all depressed people simply don't have the right attitudes is obviously VERY wrong. But you go to the opposite extreme. You say either you are clinically depressed and completely unable to exert control over your moods and probably in for a life with no hope for change, or you are not depressed - just a little under the weather.
First of all, depression is not an either or. Some people have periods of serious depression which require help through drugs and/or therapy, but are able to achieve long periods of normal living. This is important, because noone should think that depression is like Alzheimer's - progressive and uncurable. There are those enviable people blessed with a natural tendency to positive thinking an happiness, and while one could learn from them, it is unlikely that individuals suffering from long-term depression will ever turn into a a member of the "other" group - that is unlikely, but not impossible.
I've seen depression in myself, in family members, and friends. No one ever chooses it. And definitely noone can ever judge another person.
(2) Jeannie, May 31, 2015 8:00 PM
Thank you for these tips!
I have a friend who has clinical depression and must admit that I did not really understand it until I read this article. As a result of reading this, I am going to make a much more conscious effort to check in with my friend, be encouraging, and try to make sure she is doing all right. Thank you for sharing this information!
(1) Kris, May 31, 2015 5:33 PM
Clinical depression
Todah, great article and honestly many people don't realize that CD exist and is a very dark place. I'm 36 I've had this my entire life and it has been for lack of a better phrase a blood bath, it's lead to so many other horrible other avenues, alcohol and drug abuse, anger, suicidal thoughts and cutting, self abuse, loosing jobs, loosing friends, sleeping around and believe it or not loss of belief in HASHEM. It's a struggle everyday a war, many of us can't afford therapist and personally I've tried every anti depressant known to man and I haven't had much gain in that area. My davening usually consist of request for HASHEM to please fix my mind, or just take me,lol, not sure if that's the best approach but what else shall I do. I'm single and raising my 3 children pretty much on my own. Shabbos is a struggle after working all week in the heat of a welding shop and I'm the only person in my family that keeps kosher and Feast. And living in south east Texas where the nearest synagogue is almost 100 miles away it's a bit dim here. But I'm trying and I know somehow someway things will workout in my mind as well as my life. Thanks for your article! Thanks for Aish, love y'all!
ruven, June 1, 2015 5:26 AM
why live so far from (Jewish) support?
sad
Cynthia, June 1, 2015 1:28 PM
Clinical major depressive disorder
Having MDD I can relate almost 100% since our own daily walk is personal to ourselves but I truly empathize. I found my reliance and faith in Hashem continues to grow as I walk each day. For me, I try to remember the battles Joshua had to fight and won and remember that the battle is Hashem's and He will never forsake or leave me. It is so ingrained in my mental schema that when I get into a very dark, low, lonely, terrifying because of suicide I hear the presence of Rua haKodash speaking them to me. Hope this may be of encouragement for we all need it during these days. Many Blessings to you.
Anonymous, June 16, 2015 9:50 PM
recommend moving to a Jewish community
I have family members dealing with CD and have struggled with it myself and also have had to raise children alone. I found it helpful to be in a Jewish community, which is why I am writing this reply. Moving is worth it.